one week
and i'm falling
faster than ever before, faster than Tartarus
because he's gone
and i'll never see his smile
or his laugh
or his eyes
or the way his hair tousled in the wind
and i'll never feel him hug me
never feel him kiss me
never feel him run his hands through his hair
never inhale his scent
(at least not from him)
(currently, i sleep with his sweater)
(it keeps nightmares at bay)
and i'll never listen to him talk again
or nod sleepily while I talk
or hear him giggle
or watch him and leo run around being idiots
and i will never be his again
(i am his forever though, and not even death can change that)
two weeks
i'm falling and i can't stop it
because i see him every time i close my eyes
because he stares at (accusingly) every time i hear his name
because he is (was, he was) mine
and i am (was, but also am) his
and we are like chocolate and peanut butter
black and white
good and evil
but also the same, fundamentally the same
we are (were) two sides of the same coin
he protects (why can't i remember, it is protected) me
and i protect him
(i always will)
three weeks
i'm falling through empty space
he once filled that space
but now he is gone
he is gone, like the wisps of wind that tousle my hair
like the ripples on a pond
he is gone, like my heart
my soul
my purpose
but i will go on
somehow
four weeks
thalia tells me i should stop moping
i don't reply
i used to
but now i shut her out
none of them understand
i am trying to get over it, i really am
but it's hard
and they all laugh and smile and joke now
and they don't understand that i can't laugh and smile with them until i see him again
because he is (it has been a month and i still cannot remember that it is was, not is) my rock, my anchor
and i am his wind, i am his motivation
(that will never change, that will always be is)
they tell his story at the campfire
they end with 'he couldn't go on any longer'
i end it with, 'he left me'
but he didn't, i left him too
i was mad
and i ran
and i cried, up in a tree
and he did his own version of running
he cut
and he cut too deep
five weeks
his scent is starting to fade from his sweater
and i can no longer remember the feel of his hair under my fingers
i tried running my fingers through my own hair
but it felt coarse and tangled and confused
like me
not like percy
he was always smiling
and happy
and ready-for-anything
and i was not
i still am not
his laugh is starting to fade from my memory
and so is his smile
i thought i would remember
why don't i?
i'm sorry percy
six weeks
i sat at the campfire
and i shared
i told the new camper (her name is Agatha) about us
me and percy
percy and me
it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would
it hurt less
like he has forgiven me
for forgetting
and i know that he has
because he forgives
he forgets
i do not
agatha listens carefully, closely, and i detail everything
i tell her about his hair
his windblown hair that was soft and neat but also springing up every which way in an endearing way
(i remembered today. was, not is)
(I feel proud)
(but also not)
i tell her about his eyes
green, green and swirling and piercing
they were beautiful
he told me i was beautiful
and the words spill out of my mouth and agatha listens
and i feel free
seven weeks
when i think of percy, i think was
i have forgotten what that glint in his eyes was
(you see, i remembered)
(i feel nothing)
i try looking at some pictures
and i see nothing but glassy eyes
and blood
and tears
and riptide
and blood
and then i'm running, trying to escape, tears throbbing in my eyes
piper finds me in the woods, looking up at the stars, my tears dried
i have found him
eight weeks
nico sits beside me
we are stargazing
and i see zoe
and i see percy
reyna died yesterday
nico told me
i cried again
but not as much as when percy died, and i wonder if i am a bad person for not grieving as much for reyna
and i also feel bad because percy's voice is now a faint echo
and reyna's is not
also, jason came up to me yesterday
he did not seem to walking in eggshells, like everyone has been
(but only around me)
he said that he wanted to know if i needed anyone to talk to
(they think i'm crazy)
(or depressed)
i am not
i smiled and offered to go out with him and piper
as a third wheel, of course
but he seemed pleased and scheduled a date for tomorrow
(with me and him and piper)
i am nervous
but also excited
is this wrong?
nine weeks
the campfire is a bright orange now
and it lifts up
new campers listen eagerly to my tale now
about us
percy and me
me and percy
intertwined
forever
but i am secure here, and content
because even if you are gone, percy, now i know that i can be happy
with jason and piper and frank and hazel and nico and leo
and chiron
and rachel
and everyone
and even though piper and jason are scheduled to get married in two months
and frank proposed to hazel yesterday
and leo took calypso out this morning
and even though coach hedge has found love (out of all people) and i am still partly grieving
i am happy
because they get their happy ending now
i just have to wait until i die
but i will not kill myself to join you
i'm sorry
but also not
i want you to wait for me
wait for me
i will remember you
and you will remember me
and you will wait
right?
please wait for me percy
i will be waiting for you
for we are one
percy and annabeth
annabeth and percy
intertwined
forever
