(A/N: Ohhhhhkay! I've read so many hilarious Sue-bashing fics, that I thought I'd try MY hand! Tell me how I do!)


Case One: Sohma Hatori

"Hatori my luv!!!!!eleventy-one111!!"

Hatori Sohma quirked an eyebrow as a girl, who couldn't have been 13, but had the body of a supermodel, dashing towards him.

Her eyes were big and green, or were they big and orange….purple? What the fuck?!

And her hair, it was, no wait it was short…it was…both? And it was straight, no curly…wavy? Huh?! And why did it keep shifting form blonde to black to rainbow striped?!

And then there was the matter of her skin….it was like porcelain it was so pale and wh-on second thought, never mind, it was a healthy golden bro…peach? Abuh?!

"Oh hatori, my luv!!11one! I've been looking all over for you :D." she cried, her voice like melodious bells chim-angels sing-maple syrup?!?!?!?!!?

Hatori paused a moment to take in her outfit. She wore the same style fuku as Toh- never mind, she was dressed like a cheap Malaysian transvesti – goth? Preppy? with a collective of birds twittering behind her and flower petals dancing all around...nuh?!

Without thinking twice, Hatori grabbed the girl by the wrist, tugging her forward.

"OMG! Are you, lyke, takin' me 2 your house so we can doit ;D? You drrty drrty boi!!1!one" she giggled in a manner she thought to be seductive, wrapping her arm around his and trailing her fingers down it.

Without even looking at her, he continued his determined plod forwards.

"Wuz wrong, haotri baby? OH! R u, lyke, gonna take revenge on my eebil parants for beating me all these years and locking me in the basement? Dat iz lyke, sooooooooo kyoot!!!111elventy-one!!!" she squealed, nuzzling her face into his coat.

"…if you can dodge traffic…" Hatori muttered quietly, causing the girl to stand on tipto-to turn and look at him to listen better.

"Ya, Hatri?" she purred, thinking her was whispering sweet nothings in her ear, completely entranced by her over all beauty, intelligence, grace, and athletic prowess.

"…you can dodge a ball." He said calmly, grabbing her other hand and lobbing her into the busy intersection he had been looking for.

"WTF?!" she cried as the speeding bus mowed her down, making her innards spew everywhere.

Hatori sighed in relief, taking a seat on a bench about five steps away.

"…Ha'ri? …did you just quote a B-move?" Momiji asked, looking a bit disturbed as he paused to look at his relative.

He had been on his way to his violin lessons and had seen almost everything.

"Another one of those crazed being effecting my way of thinking, Momiji-kun." He said dryly, fishing around in his front pocket for a cigarette.

"Oh! I getcha. No wonder." Momiji said with a relieved smile.

"…shall I walk you to your lessons then?" Hatori asked calmly, rising from his seat, lit cigarette in his mouth.

"Ja!" Momiji grinned, grabbing Hatori by the arm and dragging him off.

On the pavement, the blood, bone fragments and splattered organs began to twitch and started eeling back together.


(A/N: Next Up - Jareth, from the Labyrinth)