I remember the day my brother first admitted he had a problem.
It was after our mother's funeral. He stood strong that day, avoiding our father's gaze. His coat sleeve was draped over the cast as he tried his best not to let anyone see it. His knees trembled the entire time as he bit back his tears.
He lasted until we got home that night.
Our father dropped us off at our apartment and drove away, not saying a word. He didn't plan on coming back any time soon and this was the only exception he was willing to make for the sake of his family.
My brother cried for a whole three days. He wouldn't calm down. I always thought he was very sensitive and that he didn't show any improvement with age, but I never expected it to get bad enough to endanger his health.
He had a pattern for his episodes.
He swallowed hard a couple of times. Then, his tears started spilling out and rolling down his cheeks. For the longest time, he cried silently, clutching his chest as his shoulders raised and lowered constantly. He always believed he shouldn't draw attention to himself with his misery so he always tried his best to be quiet.
He didn't come out of his room the entire time. He sat on his bed, sobbing with his face in his knees, his cast hanging limply from the bandage around his neck. I came to bring him food and medicine, but he didn't notice me at all. He needed a nurse to properly tend to his wounds, but he refused to return to the hospital.
I kept coming every few hours to pick up the untouched plates and clean them up in the kitchen. I heard his sobbing through the walls of my bedroom every night. He didn't stop for anything except hiccuping and to draw his breath, then started again in full force.
By the third day, I got fed up. I stormed up to his bed and put my hands on his shoulders, drawing his attention to me. I didn't squeeze too tightly, but held on firmly and slowly slid my hands lower to pull him up by his forearms. He lifted his gaze to look at me, his bangs sticking wetly to his cheekbones. He always cried with an expressionless face like this, tears gushing out without showing any emotion to support them. It felt more like if he was just reacting automatically.
"You have to stop, Ryou" I told him, trying my best not to sound upset with him. It only made things worse if I did. "It wasn't your fault."
"I know." he replied in a low voice and hid his head in his knees again.
"But-" he whispered after a long pause "- I can't stop."
I sighed deeply. I didn't know what to say to him. Losing mom was a huge blow for both of us. I couldn't comfort him properly since I was suffering as well. Even if she said terrible things sometimes, it was always out of motherly love and we knew it. She meant the world to us.
"I know how you feel, Ryou, you know I do. But...you have to move on. We need to pull ourselves together and make a plan on how we're going to take care of ourselves from now on. It's just you and me now. It really pains me to see you heartbroken, little brother. So please, for MY sake, stop crying".
And that's when he lifted his eyes again to give me a dead stare, his good hand still clutching his heart tightly as he spoke bitterly.
"I CAN'T stop."
That's when I realized it.
He wasn't a sensitive person. He had a problem.
Kamigari High was a great choice for him, considering the high entry threshold.
Mother would've been proud to know he was one of the highest graded first year students even at such an elite school. His exam results allowed him to get into the best first year class and his homeroom teacher was known as a kind and dedicated person who nurtured some of the brightest minds in the country.
As for me, I wasn't sure I would even make it to college. My results were mediocre at best and my expectations were low. Even with Ryou's encouragement, I begrudgingly put down Domino College as my first choice.
Oh, well, there's nowhere to go but up.
"It'll be fine. I believe in you, sis! I'll do my best to help out as well." he said to me every time I took a break from studying. I rubbed my tired eyes. My head was a mess and I didn't understand anything.
"You should focus on your own exams first" I told him. "Especially now that you have to catch up with class 1-B"
"It's alright; we were ahead in lessons so it's really the other way around. I'm doing fine" he stated, rubbing his sore cheek. I sighed. The doorknob again, was it.
"I'm sorry about your teacher. How long will he be gone?"
"I don't know, the principal said his health hasn't improved the past few weeks."
"You guys were doing so well together, too…"
"Well, when our class disbanded many of us got redistributed to 1-B. Kamina is there too, so it's not like I'm all alone" he smiled reassuringly at me.
Kamina was one of the few friends my brother had. Despite being rather popular ever since grade school, Ryou was very shy and reclusive. He always came home early and only ever used the game room to play his favorite game "Monster World" by himself. I felt relieved when I heard he was getting along with someone.
"Alright, if you really want to help me, then please explain this equation to me, I'm completely stumped" I pointed out using my pencil.
"The first one of Chapter 1?"
"…m-hmm"
"This has to be a mistake!"
"I'm sorry, madam, but I don't understand what you're implying"
"Do you think I don't know? Do you think I can't tell the truth?"
"Misses Bakura, please…"
"I was there too, dear. I know it's hard to believe, but this really is him.."
"No he is not! What they've handed me is NOT my child! This looks nothing like my poor baby boy!"
"We have no reason to trick you, misses Bakura. It would be unethical and a breach of our medical oath to-"
"This is not my son. My son never got a chance at life. That's all that happened. And this hoax…I hope the heavens punish you for your ill-willed attempt at tricking a grieving mother"
"Congratulations!" he said as I entered the kitchen that morning.
I looked around, smelling the choking stench of smoke rise up from the pan on the stove. He waved at me to hold on as he put the last hot piece of okonomiyaki in the home-made bento box. He closed the lid, tied it up in a ribbon and handed it to me, smiling gently.
I smiled worriedly and took it from him. His arms were wrapped up to his elbows, his hair disheveled and patches adorned his chin and cheeks. The kitchen was a mess.
He was well meaning, but very clumsy.
"Thank you." I replied softly, his smile widening as I said that. "But you didn't have to do this for me"
He shook his head, his long hair flaying softly.
"I won't get many chances to see you anymore starting next week. I wanted to make today as memorable as possible" he said, rubbing his sore bandaged arm as he spoke.
I pouted, examining his wounds as he chuckled nervously. He broke the silence between us by grabbing me in a deep hug.
"Have a good time while you're away at college, big sis. I love you"
I returned the hug "I won't be gone all the time, Ryou. I have summer and winter breaks and I'll visit often." I pulled away and poked his bruised cheek "Heavens knows you need me around the house".
The entrance ceremony was grand.
Domino College held over 1000 students in its courtyard. Students who were smarter, prettier and more ambitious than me. I had to admit, I felt rather nervous. A small smile tugged at my lips as I heard my most enthusiastic supporter clapping in the back besides the other family members that escorted us.
A pat on my back snapped me out of my daze and I turned around, feeling relieved as I recognized her.
"I see you passed the exam as well, Amane. I'm so glad that we'll be classmates again. It's been so long!" she grinned at me. A couple of other girls surrounded us and started chatting with her. "And to think that I'll be going to college with so many familiar faces by my side!" she added, introducing every one of her high-school girl friends to me.
My worries dissipated. It was more like a reunion than a new beginning.
"Ah, I guess I can leave now that you've settled in" I heard my brother's voice coming closer to me, still clapping his sore hands lightly as he did.
I pulled him besides me and showed him to all the girls there.
"I don't think you guys have met before. Chisa, everyone, this is my little brother" I said, pointing at him. He blushed a little and made a deep bow.
"I-It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Bakura Ryou. I…um, I'm glad to be here today for my sister's college inauguration" he nervously stuttered his greeting.
The girls chuckled in delight and Chisa gave me a slight nudge on the arm.
"Oh, my, he's so polite!" she giggled "- adorable too" she added.
"How old is he?" she asked me, as if talking about a pet.
"15, ma'am. I started high-school this year." he said, avoiding eye contact.
The girls collectively squealed at him and surrounded him in a closed-knit circle, preventing him from running away.
"Wow, he's the same age as my bratty brother. Can't believe they're so different! Say, say, can we trade? Just for a while! I want to know what it's like to have a proper sibling!" Chisa joked, grabbing Ryou roughly by the arm as he winced in pain.
"So like you to go for younger ones, Chisa! But you can't have this one all to yourself you know!" another girl pulled on his other arm.
Soon enough they all started chattering loudly, asking him various questions, some more private than others. I was quickly tossed aside and forgotten in my little friend circle.
"Say, what's your favorite band?"
"Well, I don't have any I particularly like…."
"I love your hairstyle!"
"T-thank you, I guess…"
"Do you like miso soup? I can cook it for you!"
"Please no...I'm good"
"What do you do on the weekends? I'm free this week, and next week and…"
"…"
Ryou was becoming more and more visibly uncomfortable as there seemed to be no end to their poking and prodding, as he struggled to get them to stop. I decided to take the initiative and made room to push him out of the beasts' jaws.
"Sorry, everyone, my brother doesn't have any more time left to talk today. He'll be back next month, ok?" I waved at them as we walked to the entrance of the college campus.
"Sorry about that, Ryou" I sighed once we were out of earshot. "Don't take it to heart."
"It's alright, all the girls in my class are the same. And class 1-C…2-A…the rest of the school...our 6th floor neighbor …." his voice faded more and more as the list went on. He paused for thought. "Amane, do you think I'm…attractive?"
"Well, by girl's standards, you're quite cute". I rolled it around in my mind as I tried explaining it the best I could. "Girls like emotional, sweet and caring boys like you." I added.
He looked upset.
"I don't want to be that"
I frowned. Ryou always puzzled me with his way of thinking.
"What do you want to be then?"
"I…I don't know" he stated truthfully as he looked away, his soft eyes lost in the horizon's distance. "Just not that."
