A/N: Yep, this round-robin fic is a complete crack, but it has to be one of my favorite stories! By the way, we don't own any of the characters. Except Rumpelstiltskin—he's mine! Anyway, enjoy!


Chapter 1: UP

Once upon a time there was this guy. The guy's name was Edward. Every time it rained, he would take a stroll through the woods. Then he died. Then magically he was resurrected by the power of magical!Haku and got super powers and thus became super!Edward! He was outside in the woods because it was raining, and he found a fairy drowning in a puddle.

"Oh help me super!Edward, or else I'll shove pixie dust up your nose!" the fairy said.

"Gurl, you can eat mah dust! Mmhmm," yelled Edward. Then the fairy somehow got out of the puddle with the help of its unicorn calling powers and flew after super!Edward. The unicorn was about to stab him in the derrière when suddenly . . . Edward fell backward into a hunter's trap dug into the ground! He then levitated into the sky with the powers of the heavens.

Meanwhile back in Italy, a certain angry Italian was joining a certain cult . . . The cult's rite of passage included being bitten by the leader, whose name was Aro.

"I really want to be in this damn club, so make it quick, okay?" And then with his newly acquired vampire powers, he appeared in a house. When he walked around the house, he noticed that the floor was unsteady, so he popped his head out of a heavily curtained window. Whoa, he was floating in the sky! Damn green balloon almost hit him in the head—wait, balloons? Just then there was a sudden knock at the door. Romano then opened the door to a young boy with bushy eyebrows.

"'Ello friend! My name is Peter! I'm selling scones!"

And then a voice from a room towards the back called out, "Go away you bloody wanker. I thought I told you to go home already! I don't need any help crossing the bloody street!"

Suddenly, Edward levitated into the house and exclaimed, "I'm so sorry! Am I crashing a bachelors' party?"

He hoped so. He looked so hideous with leaves and dirt in his hair (which was uncomfortably different from his usual prissy look) it was no wonder he was still single.

"My word! A bachelors' party? I'm in!" Peter said joyfully.

"No you aren't! Get your arse out of my house this very instant!" Arthur exclaimed, stamping his foot on the floor causing the house to lean hard to the left, making everyone slide across the floor to the other side of the house. Everyone was piled on top of each other, and a voice cried out, "Eww, you're kissing me!"

Arthur groped around for the doorknob above his head and tried to knee the stranger (whom he thought was Edward) in the head so their lips would separate, but he got an accented squeal instead of a girly, hissy one. "Oh, thank Shakespeare it's you, Sealand! I thought you were that other guy. Wait, how did you get inside?"

"Well, I stole one of your magic books Iggybrowz! I now know the spell to teleport! I shall rule the world! MUAHAHAHA!" Peter smirked.

"Dammit! How did I get in this situation? All I did was turn into a vampire, chiiigggggiiiii!" Romano dropped to the ground and broke down into a temper tantrum.

Edward pitied Romano. If he didn't fall in love soon, he too would break down crying. So he said to Peter, "If you rule the world, child, you'd better not be communist and ban love!"

"If love was banned, then I would never have been put in this situation! That wanker of an American shouldn't have bloody broken up with me!" England muttered under his breath.

In short Peter became very confused. "But isn't love a good thing?"

"No! It's bloody stupid and pointless!" the Briton screamed at little Peter.

Edward nodded in agreement and whined, "I'm so alone!"

"FOREVER ALONE!" Romano cried into the floorboards. However, at that instant, the house rocked violently, and Romano was thrown forward into the nearby love seat.

The Englishman furrowed his face-consuming eyebrows and glared at the Italian that face planted into the plush old love seat. "Don't touch my stuff you git! You're worse than Alfred was!"

Just then, Edward realized something—he didn't know any of the people he was in the room with! Edward stammered out, "W-who are you?"

The man with the monstrous caterpillars stepped forward and held out his hand to Edward. "Well . . . My name is Arthur Kirkland. And what exactly are you doing in my house?"

Edward looked at Arthur's hand but didn't take it. "Remember? I levitated here—after dying and being chased by a unicorn, to say the least!"

"Oh, don't tell me you let Gregory out again, did you?" Arthur firmly whispered to a small fairy flitting about the room in the shadows.

Even with his vampire senses, Edward hadn't noticed him flying around the house. But now, as Arthur whispered to Rumpelstiltskin (the Rumpelstiltskin we all know was actually named after this fairy), he saw the fairy. Then the fairy flew up behind Romano and used his magic to turn the young Italian man into a small furry feline.

"WHAT THE HELL?" the nation-turned-cat hissed.

"Rumpelstiltskin—come here for a second." When the fairy was within earshot Arthur asked, "Why did you give Romano claws? Do you know what he could do with those? Look—they're already digging into my chair!"

Romano spat and clawed at Arthur's favorite chair. The stuffing came falling out as he dug deeper and deeper into the leather love seat. "Fuck you, England! You deserve this!"

Rumpelstiltskin laughed and spoke in his extraordinarily low and loud voice, "I'm 2076 years old, and I never get tired of watching all of you fight, almost destroy the world, make up, then break up again. Ahahahaha!"

All this time, Edward was getting very, very confused. "Why are you calling Arthur England? And what do you mean almost destroy the world?"

Arthur wasn't really in the mood to explain this. Instead he just frowned, bunched his eyebrows, and muttered something about how magic was more trouble than it was worth. He should have never bought the house from that weird old man with the long white beard and half-moon spectacles.

"Well anyway," Peter began, "Arthur, can I use your kitchen? I knew you wouldn't want any scones from me, but I figured it was worth a shot. But they'll be so good once I make them! So pleeease can I use it?"

"The hell you git! Of course you can't! You aren't even supposed to be in my house let alone my sacred kitchen!"

Peter pouted. "Come on, you know you'll want some when that delicious smell is wafting in from your kitchen. If you don't let me I'll make up a story to tell this nice gentleman—" he gestured to Edward "—about how you almost burnt down the world with your cooking."

Arthur's face turned bright red and his eyes got wide. "YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" Arthur looked down at his feet and mumbled under his breath to no one in particular, "That was only just that one time. . . ."

"You really did that? I thought I would have to make something up! Tell me! I want to hear!" Peter demanded.

Arthur's nostrils flared up as he lifted his head to face the young micro-nation. ". . . No, it's embarrassing . . . The only nation whose memory I didn't erase after that was that bloody wanker America's . . . Golly good fun that was . . . Arsehole. . . ."

"Shoot." The young boy snapped his fingers in disappointment. "I shall have to ask him then when I sell him my scones. . . ." Peter hurried off to the kitchen before Arthur could catch him. He hoped.

"Fine then, just don't burn the house down . . . We can't escape so we would be in a lot of trouble if that happened," England called after Peter as the young boy skipped away to the kitchen.

Romano the Italian Cat trotted along after Sealand to see if he could catch any falling food or dough, because England wasn't paying attention to him anymore. That, and he hadn't yet figured out how to meow loudly or screech menacingly at anyone.

"So," Edward started, "I'm guessing you're not the best cook Arthur?"

"I AM SO!" England retorted with his nose turned up into the air hotly.

"Can you make muffins? Because if you can't . . . Wait a second—aren't muffins called something different in England? And I still don't understand why they were calling you England!"

"I don't even know your name! Why should I tell my secrets to someone who just—showed up in my house?" England asked. Just then neko!Romano popped his head around the corner of the door leading into the kitchen.

"I know why and I'd be happy to tell you if you get me back in my original form," he purred.

"Weren't you a vampire before you got turned into a cat? So what if I bit you again? Would you turn back into a vampire?"

"Um . . . I'm not so sure it works that way," Romano replied hastily and then turned to face Arthur. "Maybe you could find a damn spell that actually works Scone Jerk?"

Rumpelstiltskin smiled to himself. His work here was done! Oh, how he loved making mischief.

"Dammit! Hurry up ENGLAND!" Romano hissed at the top of his little kitty lungs.

At Romano's call for England, Peter hurriedly got down off the counter on which he was standing. He didn't want it to seem like he needed help reaching the flour; he could bake these scones on his own, he just knew it!

Arthur stomped into the kitchen and bent down to look at Romano in the eye. "Why should I help you, you bloody—AAAHHH!"

The container of flour rolled off of its shelf and crashed down, breaking open. White powder covered neko!Romano's face, making him cough and sneeze.

"Don't worry, I was just getting the—jam?" Peter said.

"YOU DON'T NEED JAM TO MAKE SCONES!" Romano spat. "Even I know that . . . little kids. . . ."

"But don't we need jam for the bachelors' party?" asked Peter while Arthur, also covered in flour, glared at him.

"No, we don't! We don't need cats, either, so change me back! And Edward! I will make Jane torture you if you don't try something quick!" threatened Romano.

"Wait, you're part of the Volturi!" Edward's eyes widened, and he quickly clamped his jaw around Romano's small, feline neck and bit down hard. "Ewww! You taste horrible!"

Silly git should have known better, thought Arthur. Flour tasted awful, so he never used it in his food. Especially not sweets! Stupid cookbooks and recipes that lie. They should just all be burned! Damn, now he was starting to think like Germany.

"YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT CATS!" Romano screeched as his neck found Edward's fangs. "GET YOUR DAMN MOUTH OFF OF ME YOU GAY VAMPIRE! REAL MEN DON'T SPARKLE!"

Peter looked at them incredulously. "Sparkle? I'm not understanding anything that's going on here. Are you talking about England's imaginary friends or something?"

"Oh shut up you wanker, he means that vampires sparkle! When in fact all REAL men have the ability to sparkle at will like ME!" Arthur interjected.

"Then why can't I sparkle?" Sealand asked, still making no move to clean up the mess behind him.

"Because," the elder nation sighed, "You're just a little pathetic micro-nation that will just die in a couple years . . . So in NO way you are a man or ever will become one!"

"What about if I was a vampire? Being undead can't be that bad. In fact, if I can get recognized as a country it must be bloody brilliant!" Peter exclaimed.

"Like hell that would work you little arse," Arthur snickered while squishing the boy's head down and tousling his short blond hair, making it even more of a mess than it already was.

"I can't turn you, child, sorry," stated Edward. "It wouldn't be morally right. But I can always suck blood from other creatures like cats; that doesn't go against my personal set of values."

"SO IT'S OKAY TO BITE ME?" Romano hissed in Edward's ear while trying to scratch the feminine man to death. He didn't seem to realize that there was vampire venom coursing through his veins at that very moment.

"Cats don't feel as humans or vampires do. They are not capable of passionate love . . . love . . . MUST LOVE SOMETHING NOW!" Edward cried. "It's not fair! Rosalie and Emmett are together, and Alice and Jasper are together! Why can't I have a soul mate!"

Peter looked down on everyone in satisfaction. He scoffed, "Looks like I'm the mature one now!"

"GET OFF!" Romano yelled as he continued batting at Edward's pearly flesh. Suddenly, Romano passed out as the vampire venom finally reached his heart.

I bought this house to get away. . . . Arthur thought to himself. Why is it that I can't I get any peace even when I am 10,000 feet above ground?

Suddenly the house came to a crashing halt. All the men stopped what they were doing and looked around. Even Peter, who wasn't technically an adult, and Romano, who was startled awake, started paying attention to the loud popping noises coming from outside. The house had hit a cliff and the balloons all started to pop! But nothing was touching them, so why were they popping? It was then that Arthur noticed that Rumpelstiltskin had disappeared.

"Abandon ship!" Arthur called as he flashed back. This reminded him of the time his crew had thought their ship would sail off the edge of the earth. Speaking of, at this point he really felt like pushing someone off the edge of the earth. Namely, SEALAND!

Romano's claws, now even more razor-sharp and erect after his second vampire transformation, grabbed at Edward clinging for support as everyone jumped out of the no longer flying vessel. "CHIIIIIGIII! Don't forget me!"

Romano was startled by the rush of the cold air, and he didn't exactly feel safe in super!Edward's arms. So his puny inferior feline brain didn't know what to think when he was swooped down on by a Volturi vulture. Riding on the vulture was none other than Rumpelstiltskin, waving around a bright yellow lightsaber. Rumpelstiltskin giggled and flipped everyone off.

"Hey, that's my thing!" Romano mewled and counted the toes on his paws. He missed having a middle one. "Stop stealing my act!" he cried after the vulture. Romano stood with a rigid back and his tail puffed up as he saw something appear out of the corner of his eye. Another cat came up to him purring and started to rub up against Romano's flank.

"Stop it damn bastard!" he spat while trying to escape the other cat's extreme case of amour.

"Awww, but I want to be with you Lovi," the other cat mewed, increasing the friction between the two cats. "I can call you Lovi, sí?"

"N-no!" Romano whined while backing up from the appeared to be Spanish cat that was currently assaulting him.

"Why not? I went through all the trouble of being dropped off by a vampiric vulture and now you're saying you want me to stop?" Spain-cat whined.

"Uh! You bastard! I can't believe you followed me all the way here! I thought you would've given up by now; after all I did dump your ass two months ago you stalker-pedophile!" the Italian hissed.

Arthur watched the drama unfold from his bedroom window. He had tricked them into jumping out of the house and leaving him alone! Huzzah for the British Empire! This new cat was good—he was dodging all of Romano's attempts to scratch him, which was pretty impressive. He couldn't put a finger on it, but he could definitely feel it—the new cat was of Spanish descent. How he used to hate Spain! But their siestas were good. Right as Arthur was about to take one, a certain fairy snuck up behind him and gave him a good, hard shove. England came flying out of the house brow-first and face-planted into the mountaintop along with the others.

"Dammit Rumpels! I thought I had already scolded you enough about your tricks!" he cried while shaking his fist in the air in anger as the house flew back into the air by the power of the fairy's magic.

"I have your house! That makes me a nation!" Peter yelled from the window while waving a hand goodbye down at the others. "What? Yes it does!"

Before he knew it he, too, was pushed out.

"Oh poo! My tush isn't made for falling fifteen feet out of a moving house!" the small boy exclaimed as he hit the ground with a hard thud that made dust rise around him in a tiny puff.

Arthur looked on in horror as his beloved colored house was commandeered by a creature no larger than his hand.

"Heheheheh! See you later, alligators!" the fairy called out after the others as the house rose up and out of sight. "Yeah, that's right, I was the one who crashed the house, but I can repair balloons with fairy magic. And I have all your spellbooks!"

Rumpels cackled evilly. He brandished his lightsaber in everyone's shocked face. Then he and the house disappeared in a brilliant flash. Everyone stared at the now empty patch of sky with startled looks plastered on their faces.


A/N: Review! Pleeeeeease. :)