It's quite confusing – one moment we were playing in the garden of the Wayne Manor and then there we were, kissing in the same garden about twenty years later. I knew that I cared about him, even loved him, but… But what kind of future do we have with the Batman in the picture? I don't want the Batman, I don't want Bruce Wayne the playboy, I just want Bruce. Is that too much to ask for?

So, with those thoughts in my mind, I uttered the words that complicated and perhaps worsened our already complex relationship.

"Maybe someday, when Gotham no longer needs Batman, I'll see him again."

I meant those words. Truly, I did. And he seemed to understand then. Nevertheless, if someone asked me what I thought right now, I'd say I'm not so sure if he ever did.

Then, after I forced him out of my car at the Narrows, he disappeared for seven years. Seven years! For seven agonizingly long years, he was nowhere to be seen. I couldn't find him, I was sick with worry, I blamed myself for his disappearence (What if he was killed? Oh God, I couldn't even bear to think about it!) - and he just came out of somewhere, without telling me (he hadn't told me he would leave, either, so what was I really expecting?), obviously not caring the slightest bit about how I felt. How was I supposed to feel? Hurt? Angry? Forgiving? Guilty? I didn't know. I still don't.

When we met, after his return from God-knows-where, and I looked at him, I couldn't see the Bruce I knew. It wasn't the girls, the playboy role didn't faze me a bit and the whole rich snob act was amusing – to a degree. Still, although he looked like my childhood friend and sweetheart, he couldn't look farther than him to my eyes. Yet, despite all this, I don't think I ever stopped caring about Bruce.

Now, as we meet once again with Harvey by my side and a Russian ballerina by his, the pain and hurt in his eyes are visible as he stares at me and Harvey. Despite being such a good actor (I see him act as the rich snob everyday to hide that Batman persona, after all), he can never control the emotions flickering in his eyes. Besides, I can read him like a book. Even now, after he has… changed, I still can. That's why, perhaps, I have a little hope inside, a flicker of hope that he will become who he once was.

The dynamics of our relationship are hard to explain and comprehend, even for me. I care for him, love him and know that I'm in love with him... and yet, I can't stand to see this new side of him. The mask he wears is the only thing left of my friend and it scares me. I wish the Bruce I knew was here. I also wish - to my horror - that Harvey wasn't here to complicate things. That's when I question myself.

Whom do I love: Harvey or Bruce?

Which side should I choose: The White Knight's or The Dark Knight's?

It seems like such a simple question to answer. Nevertheless, I don't know which side I ought to choose. I don't know if I should listen to my mind or heart, I can't even figure out which is saying which at this point. I simply can't decide. It seems so simple, a question that has only two possible answers and I can't decide. Why is that? Why do I feel like everything is falling off the edge of a cliff? Why is it so hard to answer? Why can't I decide?

It's a simple question, after all. Isn't it?

The question remains unanswered. Whom do I choose: Bruce or Harvey?

I don't have an answer.

Yet.


Disclamer: Don't own Batman, Rachel, etc. I'm not that clever.