based on the Airborne Toxic Event song
not mine. blah blah blah.
onward.


He doesn't know when it changed.

..

He lay watching her as she slept beside him.

He'd taken to whispering confessions to her when she was asleep like this. Things he normally wouldn't speak of in the light of day spilled freely from his lips in the dead of the night.

She was dead to the world but he told himself she could her him.

..

She'd told him she felt more and more like her mother as the years dragged on. Her mother who couldn't face the things that upset her, boxed everything away in a small part of her soul to be forgotten.

She was scared she'd eventually block everything out, block him out.

He listened silently as she whispered her secrets to him. She just wanted to be happy. She was still young enough to believe she could be. But she was starting to realize maybe it was all just another lie.

..

He wished he could tell her that she didn't need to worry. That she didn't need to fear loneliness. He wanted to tell her he'd always be there.

He wanted to scream.

..

He doesn't know when it changed.

..

They stood together at the train station that first week.

Her eyes gazed up at him with such innocence. Her words were soft that night, the usual edge in her voice, dulled. She was scared. Scared of her destination. Scared of where her life was going. Maybe that's when she started to change.

He put her on the train and walked away. He didn't turn back to meet the longing gaze he knew she was pinning on his back. He'd told her it would be okay. He'd wanted to tell her more. Maybe that was when he started to fall for her.

He'd be waiting for her at the next stop.

..

He doesn't know when it changed.

..

She was innocent when they'd first met.

He'd held back. Told himself he wasn't attracted to her in that way. Told himself he just wanted to protect her because she was the newest member of his fucked up family. Told himself she was just a replacement for something he'd long since lost.

He ignored the voice in his head asking which of the two exactly was she replacing.

She'd since grown up. She wasn't innocent anymore. In more ways than one. Several senses of the word. He told himself he'd always love her like she was.

He's lied to himself about worse.

..

He doesn't know when it changed.

..

He tried to tell himself it was some sort of fucked up midlife crisis on his part. Her's some kind of teenage rebellion. They would never last in the end.

He watched her as she slept soundly next to him. The first signs of morning were creeping in through the windows. He let out a sigh and pushed himself out of bed, sat on the edge of the mattress taking a breath to clear his raging thoughts. Preparing to start another day.

He felt her fingers clasped gently around his wrist, turned to see her sleepy eyes gazing at him, half open. Her voice was low, thick with sleep, as she quietly asked if he was going to be with her forever. He saw the fear in her pleading gaze.

He could tell her a lot of things. He could tell her the truth. He could tell her a lie. He could tell her how his heart breaks when he hears her crying softly at night.

..

He doesn't know when it changed.

..

He used to shudder when the thought that he might be stuck here forever threatened to break him.

Lately he found himself shuddering at the the thought that he might not be.