Author's Note Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E. All copyright belongs to both CBS and The Lighthouse Family whose lyrics I am borrowing.
A Question Of Faith
Sully sat pondering the last few weeks. He and Michaela had started courting, and he had thought that all was going well, stupidly it now appeared. Michaela was the love of his life, that much was certain, but he was more than a little puzzled how such an eloquent speaker and fantastic doctor could be so unsure and naïve in matters of the heart. He knew that she had been badly hurt in the past, when David left to go to war. He also knew, or at least strongly suspected, that she had absolutely no experience when it came to the physical side of a loving relationship. Unfortunately it was this particular issue that had caused him to be sitting where he was. On his own in the cold, staring unseeing into the night air.
As he tried to order his thoughts the words of an old poem came to mind, he was sure that his father had read it many many years ago.
Can't see the truth in triggered words
Don't need a mountain for a wall
See the big old moon spin around the world
Somehow it makes me feel so small
I know I've been living the simple life, really that's the main thing
Nowadays nobody speaks about the way they feel about things
I know I need something to set me right, now it seems there's nothing
Nowadays nobody thinks about a way to ease the suffering
Sully really felt those first few verses, yes his life had been simple and almost minimalistic, until now he hadn't seen anything wrong with this way of living. After all he had spent many years with the Cheyenne, and they had taught him to value everything that life offered. Thinking more on the words of the second verse Sully was adamant that it was definitely the lack of communication that had resulted in the argument that had caused the separation. Granted he was not the biggest conversationalist, but they had only been back from Boston a matter of weeks, and both were struggling, to a greater or lesser degree, with this new part of their friendship.
As they had walked through the woods earlier today, Sully had tried to explain what he thought courting was all about. Unfortunately his interpretation of the word was so far removed from Michaela's that it would have been funny had the latter events not made it so sad.
The town had all but rejected every idea that Michaela had come up with to help alleviate the drought. This had naturally, or at least naturally for the out spoken Michaela, caused her to retreat into her defensive shell. However Sully was learning that a defensive Michaela was actually more dangerous than an assertive one. She didn't retreat and say nothing in her defensive state, no, Michaela argued and fought with every bit of passion she had in her, all the time knowing that she would fail. Simply because Sully knew she couldn't accept defeat, he knew that she would view it as a failure, and in turn would see it as the town turning against her.
Sully knew that she didn't actually care that much about what people thought of her as a doctor, with the exception of their recent time in Boston. However as a woman he was learning that she had a very vulnerable side. A side that no one else was privy too. And it was this side that was causing Sully the most pain. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her everything would be ok. However the problem with that was simply that Michaela wouldn't allow him to get close enough to do it.
When they had walked away from each other, in the heat of the moment saying that they couldn't change and didn't have enough in common, Sully had skulked off like a petulant child while Michaela had stood there staring at his retreating back. Sully had always taken to going off on his own when things got out of hand, or he wanted to think, and this was one of those times. Unfortunately he realized now that he had failed in three areas: he had neglected to tell Michaela about this trait, crucially he hadn't said that he'd be back, and most importantly he had failed to tell Michaela that he still loved her. All of this he suspected had not only served as confirmation for Michaela's words, but also a reminder that she had every right to protect her heart, and had in fact started to break her own walls down in this instance, only to have it seemingly thrown into her face.
It didn't take Sully long to realise how stupid he was being. However there was one thing that Sully was surer of now than anything, and it was the contents of the next section of the poem:
Baby I know you're the first thing
I believe in, honestly
How do you prove what you can't see?
Well, it's a question of faith
Baby I know you're the first thing
I believe in, honestly
Say you don't know enough about me
Well, it's a question of faith
All he had to do was convince Michaela to trust him, and in turn their future as a couple.
No sooner had he thought of that verse than the last one slammed into him, and this one was speaking loud and clear:
Don't wanna complain, the weather could be worse
But I wish I'd learned from my mistakes
Don't really need no clever words
To understand what's in your face
There was no doubt that Michaela's distraught face was engrained on Sully's memory. The look in her eyes was pleading with him to do something, anything. But all he did was leave her. It was plain to see that Michaela was no where near as capable in communicating her deepest wishes and fears, as she was about telling the town what to do.
Sully knew that there was only one person that could rectify their current dilemma, and that person was him. Taking a deep cleansing breath, and with a new purpose in his soul, Sully got up to head towards the homestead, and his future.
