A security guard exits a small booth in front of a fence to a factory late at night. He stops at a pink van.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes," a man says and a couple of arms jut out, holding a map, "I was wondering if you could help me – I'm lost."
"It's pretty late to be getting lost," the guard comments.
"Delivery truck. I'm trying to find 744 Shoat Circle. We passed here…" he points to a spot on the map.
The guard grabs onto part of the map and traces with a finger the road, "I don't think I've ever heard of that road…"
"Porkchop!" the driver exclaims as he karate chops the security guard where the neck meets the collar bone.
The guard falls to the ground, out cold.
"Piggly, Wiggly – take care of it!"
Two men dressed in pink spandex exit the van and walk toward the guard, whom they pick up and drag behind the guard booth. One of them presses a button and the gate starts sliding open automatically. Once they're back in, the van drives in.
.
Dark Cop sits in Valkyrina's office.
"Porkulous," she says.
"I thought he died in that industrial-sized deep fryer," says Dark Cop.
"Technically we never found a body since they FDA shut down the plant and wouldn't let us drain the vat."
"Um. Typical villain survives death scenario. Power Kid says that's common in the comics. Is Porkulous still into all things pig?"
"I wouldn't doubt it. It was his M.O. since the day he appeared on the map. He was before your time – how do you know about him?"
"I read his perp file this morning. I heard about the robbery, cross-referenced the goods stolen by criminal modus operandi and came up with him. It made good toilet literature."
"So you know why I called you here."
"Yes, it's a fair assumption you want Power Kid and I to get some practice heroing in by making sure that little piggy cries wee wee wee all the way to the state penitentiary."
"Close. You know the foreign exchange hero student from out satellite office in Australia arrived this morning."
"Yes, and you sent Starburst; wise choice. Probably not great for foreign relations though."
"I want to partner you with her."
"I don't know. I've come to value and even enjoy working with Power Kid."
"Why, Dark Cop – are you growing as a person?"
"No, I'm a young man over the age of 18 – I stopped growing years ago."
"That's not what I meant."
"I'm sorry. It was a deliberate attempt to evade the subject."
"Ahhh."
"So, is this foreign exchange hero of the female persuasion by chance … attractive? Not that I need to know."
"Well, then, I don't need to tell you."
"I blame myself – I should have been more coy," says Dark Cop.
"Acquaint the exchange student, then the three of you go practicing your investigatory training."
"There are so many things wrong with that sentence."
"And don't be a Grammar Nazi to her."
"Grammar Nazi? I'm a Grammar Warrior – defending the English language from miscreant mis-speakers."
"Just don't do it."
"I promise to make a valiant effort."
.
Dark Cop, Power Kid, and Corona sit outside an office.
"I'm getting butt fatigue. How much longer will she be in the counselor's office?" asks Power Kid.
"Ah, yes – Restless Ass Syndrome – the bane of impatient sitting," says Dark Cop.
Corona comments, "American is a different place; I'm sure the counselor is just easing her in and addressing any concerns. I spent over an hour in there when I first arrived on Earth."
"E.T. adjusted pretty well with only a friend and Reese's Pieces," says Power Kid.
"That was a movie," says Corona.
"Question: Do you like Reese's Pieces?" Dark Cop asks her.
"Well…"
"Yes or no," says Dark Cop.
"I love Reese's Pieces and I intent to take as many bags with me as I can when I return to my planet."
"Exactly," says Dark Cop.
Just then the door opens. We hear a voice.
"Thanks so much. G'day," and with that a skinny white girl with long black hair just below the shoulders, steps out.
"I will now attempt to make an impression," says Dark Cop.
"What?" says the girl, swinging the door open hard and fast, smacking Dark Cop on a shoulder.
"Ow," he says, grabbing his arm and standing stiffly.
"Looks like she already made an impression on you," says Power Kid.
"Sorry," says the exchange hero.
"Hello," Dark Cop says to her.
"Hi! I'm Corona!" Corona says, waving.
"G'day. The name's Sassy Aussie.
"I'm Power Kid," Power Kid says, blushing.
"Dark Cop. I assume you are adjusted to American customs enough to interact with us."
"Oh, blimey, I just let her go on. I figure politics and social customs aside, Australians and Americans aren't all that different. Girls like to have fun and guys love boobies. American blokes do love the boobies, right?"
"Ahhh, I-I-I-I-I…" Power Kid says, trailing off, trying not to look at Sassy Aussie's ample example.
"Yes. I love breasts," Dark Cop says affirmatively, without hesitation, "I would get my hands on them as often as I could every day if possible."
"Dark Cop, 'Yes' would have been sufficient," says Corona.
"What? She asked a question and I wanted to make certain I was clear."
"Why are you here?" Corona says annoyed.
"I am on assignment to act as a good will liaison to our newest exchange student. Come – I shall acquaint you with the academy," he starts walking and they all follow, "This is the hallway; in America we use them for walking, though in Australia you probably walk on the left side…"
.
Sometime later. They are still walking.
"And that's the men's room. Substandard, but it gets the job done," says Dark Cop.
"And that's the wall! You probably don't have those in Australia!" Power Kid says with humorous sarcasm.
Corona laughs.
"Are you mocking me?" Dark Cop says indignantly.
"Yeah, yeah, your lous are ace. Show me something exciting," says Sassy Aussie.
"Ah," Dark Cop stops at a door and passed a card over an electronic reader, "Well, we are now at my dorm room. Prepare to temper your enthusiasm," he opens the door.
"Wow, I've never been allowed in here before," says Corona.
"You're welcome," Dark Cop says to Corona, then continues, "I call it the Darkcave. Because 'Batcave' is probably copyrighted."
"Crickey dick! You could hack China with this thing," says Sassy Aussie.
"I've been ordered to use my computing powers for good."
"That's gotta be gigabytes of RAM," says Sassy Aussie.
"Two terabytes and growing."
"Redundant backups, multiple processors, at least two hard drives, Sassy Aussie continues examining it.
"Perceptive. Are you a fellow techhead?"
"I dabble."
"Oh. Well, if size is your thing, you should see how long my memory stick is."
Power Kid quickly jumps in, "I got a thumb nail, but it holds a lot."
"Okay! I'm hungry – how about some lunch?" Corona interrupts them.
.
The four of them get into line with lunch trays. Sassy Aussie arrives first.
"G'day. I'll take a pair of bikkies, a chokkie, and a Tooheys."
"A what?" asks Power Kid.
"I think she's speaking Australian," says Dark Cop.
"We have sarcasm in Australia too, mate."
"Sassie was an apt name. so, what's a bikkie and chokkie?"
"Biscuits and chocolate. Now, I know you got 'em in America."
"We do," Power Kid responds.
"He is correct. However, you will not find any of that in the Super Academy cafeteria. Their meals are formulated for healthy a supplement to rigorous physical training and muscle growth. Meats, protein, grain."
"It'll make a clacker brownie," says Sassy Aussie.
"I like brownies – is that good?" Power Kid asks her.
"No," she shakes her head, smiling.
.
They sit at a table together eating.
"So, Sassy, how do you like America so far?" Corona asks her.
"I like it just fine. A lot like my country, really, only more fat people. But I want some excitement."
"And you shall have it. I've been asked to take you investigating tonight."
"Ace! Who's the bodgy bloke?"
"Porkulous."
"So, what's his thing? Sassy Aussie asks Dark Cop.
"All things pigs. And related puns."
"He's a chatty type, is he? Those punners usually are," says Sassy Aussie.
"According to this perp file, yes. I've never actually met him."
"I'venever met a baddie I didn't want to take on. They got this smell…" Sassy Aussie comments.
"Ahhhhh…" Power Kid presses his arms against his sides and quickly pulls his shirt down.
Sassy looks over at Power Kid, then sniffs the air around him, "What's that smell?"
"Ah, Arm & Hammer."
"Sassy, in American we tend not to smell out fellow compatriots. Unless it's a hot woman you want to be romantically involved with," says Dark Cop.
"Yeah, we'll make sure you don't do things like that," says Power Kid.
"Can I smell you?" Dark Cop says in a low voice, looking at Sassy Aussie.
"They're just a little weird, but they're good friends," says Corona to Sassy Aussie.
"What?" Sassy Aussie says, turning and looking at Dark Cop.
"What?" he quickly replies.
.
CUT TO: Porkulous sitting at a desk in an office; he plucks at his curly hair. Piggly and Wiggly enter the office.
"Oink," says Piggly.
"Oink," says Wiggly.
"Yes, my pigions?"
"We've finished destroyin' the last of da hall," says Wiggly.
"Oinkcellent."
"Sir, we was wondering – why steal all this bacon and pork, just to incinerates it?" asks Piggly.
"It makes perfect sense, don't you see?"
"It does?" Piggly says in a confused voice, scratching the top of his head.
"What is this we have here?" Porkulous asks them.
"A warehouse," Wiggly responds.
"And what does it stock and sell?"
"Ahhh, bacon?" Wiggly answers.
"Bacon, ham, and pork. And what have we been doing the last few days?"
"Raisin' and slaughterin' pigs," says Piggly.
"Yes, yesss. Which we will then sell. Capitalism requires moral and principled people to wield it responsibly, but I've dispensed with that long ago. I play to sit up like the high hog!"
"Oh, I get it – eliminate the competition!" Wiggly exclaims.
"Pigsicelly! Local restaurants and store delis will become desperate for supply to sell, and Swine Time Bacon will be the only provider. Once we've established a supply line, almost nobody will revert back and we shall be rolling in the financial mud then!"
"Wow, boss, you sure is smart," says Wiggly.
"Correct, my pigions. And after we rob the final local factory tonight, there will be no supplies within three hundred miles!"
"Good one, boss!" says Piggly.
"Yeah, good one," Wiggly also compliments Porkulous.
"Indeed. I hope Burger King isn't out yet, I want a Bacon King."
