I close my eyes. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. Trying to stay alive. I'm only alive because of my brother. I love him too much to hurt him like that. He only has me. Well, we do have a dad, but he's always working so we don't really see him. He used to be a really good dad but ever since our mum died of cancer, he has been focused on his work. I think he is tired of living too. But he tries for us. Well for my brother.

The first day of school.

6 am, alarm clock

Argh... I hate this. I hate school. Why did I even apply for university? I could have just stayed home... ARGH! I walk to the kitchen to make breakfast. After I get it done I go to wake my brother. As I walk to his room I hear dad leaving for work. ''He didn't eat this morning either." I walk over to my brother's bed. He looks so incident when he sleeps. Like he doesn't know how cruel the world is.

me: Luca wake up! It's the first day of your new school.

I walk to the window and I open the curtains. Sun is shining. It looks so beautiful. I remember how mum used to wake me up like this. Suddenly I feel a tear on my cheek. '' Fuck! Why does this still happen? It's been two years already.'' I look up at the sky. ''I really miss you mum.'' I don't really believe in heaven and God and stuff, but if it does exist mum would definitely be in heaven. I hear Luca waking up. I wipe my tears and turn around to face him.

me: Good morning sleepy head! *I said smiling at him* C'mon! Let's go eat some breakfast.

After we have eaten and dressed. We leave the house. I walk him to his new school. He is starting elementary school this year. The closer we get to school, the tighter his grip gets. At the gate, he stops. I get down on his level.

me: Don't worry. I'm sure it will be fine. You get new friends and I'm sure your teacher is great.

He shakes his head.

Luca: I don't want to go. *he whispers.*

I hug him tightly.

me: It'll be fine. I promise.* He doesn't let go of me.* Okay... You want me to walk you to your class?

He slightly nods. I get up and we start to walk to his class. At the door, he tries to hold on my hand but I shake it off. I get down.

me: Okay, now I need to go otherwise I'll be late. You'll be fine.

I smile at him and push him to the class. The teacher notices him and walks to him. I see a little smile on him. So I decided to leave.

I look at the time. ''FUCK! It's 8:30 already!" I start to run to the bus stop. I need to be school at 9:00 and the school is 30 minutes away. "FUCK WHY DIDN'T I JUST TAKE THE CAR?!" I just and just make it to the bus. "Fuck I'm in a bad shape. I should probably work out more. Tho what's the point?" I feel somebody staring at me. I turn around and see a cute boy. Realizing that I look at him, he quickly turns his head away. I turn away too lightly smirking.

When I get to the school I just walk quickly to the hall where the first introductory is held. On my way, I see so many people. I try to guess their ages but it's pretty difficult because they are all looking similar. Well, to me anyways. I see some people looking at me. I smirk. I know I look different. I am half Chinese half Norwegian. Mostly I look like my mum (Chinese), but I have dark green double eyelids and freckles. Naturally, my hair is also lighter brown shade but I have dyed it black. I only use black clothes and black makeup. My brother looks the same but he has really dark brown almost black colored eyes. The first introduction is boring as always. So I decide to go to eat I'm pretty hungry already. As I walk out of the hall I bump into somebody.

?: Watch where you are going.

me: Excuse me?!

?: Oh you are deaf and blind?!

I face his face. I glare at his eyes. "Oh, he has pretty eyes." I decide it's not worth of the trouble so I just walk away. Besides I'm hungry.

?: Yeah! Just walk away it's not like you would've been opponent for me anyway.

I'll show him middle finger when I walk away.

Cafe 13:00

I order a latte and I sat down. I put my headphones on and listen to music. Suddenly I hear somebody calling my name.

?: Sara!?

I look up and I see my brother. Well, he's not practically my brother but my mom and his mom were really good friends when they were young so we became close too.

me: Hoseok!? What are you doing in here? Aren't you supposed to be in Korea?

Hoseok: Yeah, well things change. But aren't you supposed to be in China?

me: I didn't tell you? Dad got a job from here in the USA so I came here too.

Hoseok: What a coincidence! So you are studying or..?

me: Yeah! I got in the uni so...

Hoseok: Really? In here? Which one?

me: Boston Uni...

Hoseok: Oh me too! We need to catch up soon but I need to go now I'm meeting my friends.

me: Yeah! You still have the same number? *he nods* Okay I'll call you later.

Hoseok: Unless you want to join me now..? I would really love you to meet the others!

me: I don't know... They are your friends...

Hoseok: Oh C'mon! Please..! They'll be your friends when you get to know them!

I rolled my eyes*

me: Fine... But I can't be long. I need to pick up Luca.

Hoseok: Yees! Let's go!

He grabs my hand and we leave the Cafe. We talk a lot on the way. " I can't believe how he hasn't changed at all since we were kids."

We arrive in front of the beautiful apartment building. He opens the door for me and I step inside. He presses the elevator button and we get in. Inside the elevator, he presses the 20. "Oh, we are going on the top floor. Whoever owns this place is pretty rich." Suddenly the elevators screen goes on.

?: who is she?

Hoseok: a friend

?: Oh... okay.

Then the elevator starts to go up.

me: Okay who exactly are these friends? Because they must be pretty rich.

Hoseok: Ah..! Their families are rich so...

me: Then how did you get to know them? As far as I remember your family wasn't this rich.

Hoseok: Ah! Don't bother your little head with that.

me: Excuse me?! Little head!? Did you seriously said that?! * I raise my hand to hit him (not for real, but a little)

Doors open and I can see everybody watching us*

Hoseok: Oh...! Hi guys! *awkward silence*

I put my hand down.

me: Hi...

everyone: *awkwardly* hi...

Hoseok: Oh right... This is Sara my dearest childhood friend. *he said smiling widely*

?: Oh hi! I'm Jimin they are Jin, Namjoon, Taehyung and the one who has his mouth open is Jungkook.

me: Hi!

Hoseok: Where is Suga?

Jimin: I think he went to the kitchen. YOONGI!?

?: Hey! No need to scream!

Jimin: This is Sara. She is J-Hopes friend.

Yoongi: Oh.. hi... *not giving a fuck*

me: Hi! Oh, it's you...

Hoseok: You know each other?

me: Not really... We bumped into each other earlier today...

Yoongi: Yeah you could say that... *clearing me*

I rolled my eyes.

me: So I wanna know who owns this place?

Jimin: Oh... Namjin.

me: Who?

Jimin: Jin and Namjoon... Jungkook shut your mouth!

I look at him. " Oh, he is the cute boy in the bus..." He smiles at me with his beautiful bunny smile. I smile back. He blushes. I smirk a little. " So cute." Suddenly I remember my brother.

me: Oh shit! What time is it?

Jin: 14:45 Why?

me: Oh shit! I need to go pick up Luca. How close is the Higginson elementary school?

Jin: I don't know. I think there is at least like 10 kilometers.

me: Oh shit I'm so late. Sorry, it was nice to meet you but I really need to go.

Jin,Namjoon,Jimin,Jungkook,Hoseok,Taehyung: Bye! It was nice to meet you too...

I go into the elevator and I go down. When I'm out I start to run. Suddenly I hear somebody shouting my name. I look behind me and I see Yoongi. My eyes widened.

Yoongi: I can give you lift if you want I'm going to that way anyway.

me: Oh okay...

I get into his car and he starts the car.

Yoongi: So where to?

me: Oh I thought you knew where it was...

Yoongi: Why would I know that?

me: Well you said you were going to that area so I thought...

Yoongi: Well I wasn't but they said that I need to give you lift so...

me: Oh...

"So he wasn't being nice to me, he just did what they asked... Well, what else would you expect from someone like him." I gave him directions and he started to drive. We drove in silence. Finally, we got the school just in time.

me: Thanks...

I just slammed the door before he could say anything. I ran to the gate. I saw my brother. He looked happy. He ran over and hugged my legs. I smiled. I guess this is why I am still here even though everything else is shit...

Yoongi's POV

I look at her when she runs to the gate. Was she mad? Or why did she leave in a hurry? I see a boy just like her run over to her. Who is he? Her son? No, he can't be. She's too young to be his mom. Maybe sister or aunt. I see them walking together hand to hand smiling. "She is kind of beautiful... Ah... What the fuck are you thinking..?" I drove off.

Sara's POV

I woke up sweating again. I had that same nightmare that I've had every night ever since it happened. I get up and I go to the shower. I put it on but I don't go in yet. I look in the mirror. I'm disgusted by looking at myself. I feel disgusting. Inside and outside. I go in the shower. I try to wash the feeling of but it doesn't help. It just makes it worse. I see the blade. My only escape. I put it on my wrist and I cut. The pain is so good. I see the blood on the ground. I cut my wrist again. This time I can't feel the pain. I cut my other arm, but it doesn't help. I feel empty. I am empty. Soon I pass out.

When I woke up in the morning I see that I'm not in the shower anymore. I'm on my bed. I look at my hands. Someone has wrapped them. " I'm sorry dad you had to see that..." I look at the clock it's almost six so I get up. I'm a bit dizzy so I have to hold on to the nightstand. I noticed a post-it note on it. I read it: "Please stop I can't lose you too." I know what he means but I know how to do it so I won't kill myself. I just throw the note in the trash and I go to the kitchen to make breakfast.

School 9:00

My first lecture starts. There is no one I know in here. Which is good because I don't want to see anyone right now.

?: Excuse me? Can I sit in here?

me: Sure...

?: Thanks. *she smiles*

I hope she isn't one of those who talks all the time...

?: I'm Ashley btw. Nice to meet you.

Of course, she wants to now know my name...

me: Sara

Ashley: Oh so pretty name... So is this your first year?

"Obviously... Why would I be here if it weren't..."

me: Yes.

Ashley: Oh mine too... *smile*

I fake her a smile and I try to look as concentrated as I can so she wouldn't bother me anymore. But I think she doesn't care because she talks again.

Ashley: Would you like to go to the cafeteria with me after this..? Because I really don't know anyone in here and you look like a nice person. *smiling*

"Okay... First of all where the fuck did she get the impression that I was nice? Form my all black clothes? Or my makeup? Or maybe that I sit alone and everybody else is sitting at least 3 meters away from me? Seriously I just wanted to be alone right now.

me: Sorry but I need to be somewhere after the lecture.

Ashley: Oh... Well, maybe some other time? I can give you my phone number so we can talk?

She gives me a post-it note her number on it. I give her a little smile and put in my backpack. The rest of the lecture we sit quietly listening to the professor. Finally, when the lecture ends I almost run out so I don't need to talk to her. "There's nothing wrong with her exempt she liked talking and I don't. And also she wanted to get to know me."

I walk around the campus. The buildings are quite big. My legs started to hurt so I decided to head in. And also I really needed to go to the bathroom.

I can hear voices coming from the bathroom but I really needed to go so I didn't care who was there. When I open the door I see four girls standing around one smaller girl.

girl1: This is the last warning! I need it as soon as possible which means tomorrow for you! Got it?

middle girl: But I can't get it for tomorrow...

girl2: * slaps her and grabs her throat* I think you heard her! She needs it for TOMORROW!

I can't stand it anymore.

me: What the fuck you think you are doing?

girl2: This doesn't concern you so stay away!

me: I think it does and can you take your hand off of her or do I have to?

girl2: Excuse me? Who do you think you are?

She tries to grab me but I just dodge it.

me: Too slow... *smirking*

girl1: Okay who the fuck are you how does any of this concern you?

me: Well I'm Sara and this concerns anyone who is a human being. And also I really need to pee but you are standing on my way. So please leave because I'm not in a mood for fighting right now.

girl1: Of fuck you!

She tries to hit me but I just move little so she hits the wall beside me.

girl1: Aaarg!

I just quickly put her in a headlock. I see her surprised face. I laugh a little.

me: Do you want to leave nicely or do you want to get more injured?

girl1: Fine we leave but just for now.

She glares at the girl.

girl1: Tomorrow. If you don't have it... Well, I think you know what's gonna happen.

They left the bathroom and I turn to the girl. When I see her I realized that she is Ashley.

me: You okay?

Ashley: Yes thank you.

I can see her tears on her cheeks. But now I really need to go to the toilet. After I have done my business I get out. I can see her still standing in here. I go wash my hands.

Ashley: Why did you help?

Her question got me off guard. I didn't actually know myself why I did it. Usually, I don't really care what others do.

me: I don't know. Something about them just was irritating.

Ashley: Oh...

me: Are you really okay?

Ashley: Yeah... I'll be fine. you don't need to act like you care. I know in the lecture you really didn't want to talk to me. And I know you wouldn't have called me.

me: You can't know what I think so don't ever try to guess!

Ashley: Sorry...

I feel kind of bad for her. She looks nice. She should have a lot of friends.

me: You wanna go to the cafeteria now?

Ashley: Yes! *she smiles widely*

me: If you don't mind me asking, what did they want from you?

Ashley: Oh... I just owe them something...

me: Okay… Well if you need help...

We head to the cafeteria. We stand in the line. Suddenly people start to get noisier and gather around some people. I really don't care but I can see that Ashley does.

me: What do you think is going in there?

Ashley: I think it's Namjin.

"Why does that sound so familiar?"

me: Who?

Ashley: The hottest couple in this school. Namjoon and Jin.

me: Oh... I didn't know they study here and most importantly I didn't know they were a couple...

We are done and we pay for our foods. We try to search a free table but suddenly I hear a familiar voice calling me.

Jin: Sara come here!

me: Oh... You wanna go sit with them?

Ashley: Are you kidding me? Of course! I didn't know you knew them.

me: Well I don't really but I know Hoseok so...

We walk to their table.

me: Hi!

Jin: Hi! ... So who is she?

me: Oh right. This is Ashley. Ashley - Jin and Namjoon, Jin and Namjoon - Ashley.

Jin: Hi! Nice to meet you!

Ashley: Y-you too...

Jin and Namjoon laugh little and smiles at her.

Namjoon: So you've known each other how long?

me: What time is it?

Jin: 13:30 Why?

me: We have known each other for 4 and a half hours.

Namjoon: Really? I thought longer...

me: Why?

Namjoon: Well... Because you don't really look like a person who would make new friends...

Jin and Ashley laughed. I just glared at Namjoon.

Namjoon: Sorry...

We started to eat and talk about everything and nothing... Suddenly others appeared to eat too.

Jimin: Oh hi Sara!

me: Hi Jimin! So, do all of you study in here..?

Jimin: Yeah!

me: Oh! That's nice I guess... So are you all studying same or..?

Hoseok: Well, we all are studying Korean but we all have also our own studies.

me: Oh so you have two-degree programs..?

Hoseok: Jimin and I have two, dance and Korean but others have more

me: Really? What do you have? *I ask others*

Tae: Acting and film

JK: dance and directing

Jin: acting and directing

Namjoon: music, English and engineering science

me: Wow! That's awesome!

Namjoon: So what do you study?

me: Chinese, deaf studies, art, painting, and visual arts

Namjoon: Seriously?

me: Yeah! I needed something to fill the days... *smiles* Oh what about you Yoongi?

Yoongi is eating silently and listening to music.

Jin: Hey! She asked you a question!

Yoongi: Hah..?

Jin: What do you study?

Yoongi: Oh... MusicSound design

me: Wow! I wanted to study music as well but it would have been too much because of my other studies.

Yoongi puts his headphones on again. "How can he be like that? I don't really give a fuck either but at least I try."

Ashley: Sara we should go the next lecture. It starts soon.

me: Oh yeah... Let's go! See you around!

everyone except Yoongi: See ya!

While walking to the lecture Ashley is going crazy. She is fangirling over the boys.

me: Calm down! They are normal humans too!

Ashley: Did you see them?! And I got to talk to them! OMG!

me: Seriously calm down or I will ditch you!

Ashley: I'm trying! But seriously I think I'm falling for all of them! Especially Jungkook!️

me: Oh the cute one?

Ashley: Yeah!

me: Well good for you but we are late we should run!

14:00

I don't have lectures anymore so I decided to go home. When I'm leaving the campus I run into Namjoon.

Namjoon: Leaving already?

me: Yeah! I don't have lectures anymore so I'm heading home.

Namjoon: Are you in a hurry?

me: Not really... Why?

Namjoon: Suga and I are heading to the studio so would you like to join us?

me: I don't know... I need to pick up Luca at 13 pm so...

Namjoon: Oh don't worry the studio is near the elementary school. Come, please..?

me: You think it's okay for Yoongi?

Namjoon: Yeah I'm sure! And also he doesn't like if you call him Yoongi... Call him Suga. And you can call me RM. *smiles*

me: Okay... I'll come but only for a while.

We get to the parking lot.

RM: We need to wait for Suga because I don't have a car or a license. *laughed*

me: Oh okay *smiles*

Soon Suga arrives. He looks annoyed. He glares shortly at me. I don't think he looks happy about me being in here.

RM: I promised Sara can come too...

Suga just nods. We get in the car and drive to the studio. The studio is big but somehow cozy.

me: Wow! This is awesome!

RM: Thanks! *smirks* You wanna hear what we are working on now?

me: I would love to!

Suga glares at RM. I think he didn't want me to hear it. RM just glares him back and puts the song on. We listen to it in silence.

me: Wow! That's good! Who wrote the lyrics?

RM: Suga

me: Really? That's impressive.

I smile at him but he just ignores me. "Fine. If you don't want me to be nice to you I won't." RM and Suga started to do their stuff. I'm just watching them work. I don't even know that I started to hum the song. Suddenly I noticed that RM and Suga are staring me.

me: What? Is something wrong?

RM: You can sing!

I blush.

me: No.. Not really...

RM: Yeah you can!

me: No I can't... I really need to go now it's already 14:50 I need to pick up Luca.

I start to gather my things. I can feel their eyes on my back. The room is filled with tension. And suddenly Suga speaks up:

Suga: I can take you. I need to stop by at the house anyway. RM can you take care things in here?

RM nods* I leave the studio and Suga follows me.

Outside:

me: I can walk it's not that far.

Suga: You'll be late. Get in.

I was kind of shocked by Suga's firm tone so I just get in the car. He drives me to the school. Just when I'm getting out of the car he grabs my hand. I look at him confused. He just stares at me.

me: Suga... I need to go... Did you have something?

Suga looks at my wrists. I suddenly notice that I still have the wraps in my wrists. He tries to take another wrap of but I pull my hands of his grip and get out of the car. I run to the gate. I glance at his car. He is still watching me. I turn my head away. "What's his problem?"

Suga POV

"Is she cutting herself? Why? I thought she was happy? She was happy yesterday, right? She was smiling. Well, there's her black look but I just thought it was some kind of rebellion thing... Why do I even care? I don't even know her. I just met her yesterday. God, why is she in my head all the time?" I start the car I can see that she is looking at me. I drive off. " Where am I going now? I can't go back to the studio because I said I would go to the house to get something. Argh! Why did I give her a lift? I should've just kept my mouth shut." I drive to my parent's house. I go in to see if anyone is at home.

Sara's POV

I just put Luca to bed. He is sleeping peacefully. I would like to sleep like that too. I leave him to sleep and I go to the bathroom to take a bath. When the bath is ready I get in. I take the wraps of my wrists. I can't help it. These marks are what keeps me alive. I could stop as dad asked but It would get worse. Like before. This is why I'm still alive. I know it sounds stupid and it's not normal but it's what I have to do to be here for Luca and dad. They need me still. Maybe later I can go to mum. I hope there isn't pain. Or people who can cost you pain. I slowly go under water. I keep my breath as long as I can. My lungs are burning. I love it. It makes me feel like I'm alive. The pain makes me feel alive. I get off the tub. I wrap a towel around. I walk straight to my wardrobe. I take my PJ's and put them on. I get my phone and see that there is a new message. It's from Ashley.

Text:

Ashley: I got your number from Hoseok. I wasn't sure if you would text me so... Any way you wanna hang out tomorrow after school?

me: If you don't mind my brother joining us then sure.

Ashley: I don't mind. What do you wanna do?

me: I don't really care. You can pick something.

Ashley: Okay! See you tomorrow!

I put my phone away and go to sleep. Maybe this night the nightmare doesn't come...