Hello! This is my first story and I apologize in advance for not quite knowing where my story is going yet, but I hope you'll bear with me so I can try to improve. I should be putting out a new chapter at least once every three weeks. If you like Dragon Age drama, I would like to encourage you to read any and all works by Seab1rds0ng as they have been a major inspiration in my wanting to write for FanFiction.
After their breakup, Liara had done little but sulk. She had walked back in the dark, alone, much to the distress of everyone. It had been daylight when she'd left with Solas for their date, but it seemed he had not arrived before her. She had fought back the urge to go back out to find him. Why should I, she wondered, do I really care what he does now? But she did.
Nearly a week later there was still no sign of him and she spent the days battling her worry for him against her depression. She had cooped herself up in her room, eating little and rarely meeting with her advisers. Nearly all of her companions had tried dropping by to express their concern, to the point that she had nearly had to banish Cole from Skyhold for the duration of her funk.
She'd been haunted by dreams of that night ever since. In her dreams she saw him by the waterfall, moonlight glinting in his shimmering eyes. She thought he saw her perfectly for the first time - she was completely free for just a moment. Free from her duties to Skyhold, free of the vallaslin, free of the worries of the world ending that plagued and pushed her.
He held her face in his hands and stared at her as if he were holding all the world in his palm. "You are so beautiful." He said, as if looking at her burned his eyes. His hand was warm on her cheek, and a blushing smile crept over her face as he regarded her, newly baptized in his love. She had left everything behind for a chance to escape into his world: his world of dreams, spirits, and thoughts as whimsical and musically beautiful as the wind in a field.
And then it was gone. In her dream, a mask of pure silver, reflecting the moon with blinding clarity, slid over his face, obscuring him. She clawed at it, trying to pull it from him so she could see his face, to see what he was hiding from her. But there was nothing for her to hold, no seam between his face and his mask. Desperation filled her mouth with the taste of bile and her eyes brimmed with tears.
"But I love you!" She cried as he pushed her away slowly. As he left, he took the moon with him and the world fell to shadow around her. She fell to the ground, afraid and alone in the dark, sobbing into her hands and wiping away tears what would not stop. Shadows stretched around her and seemed to grow teeth and glowing eyes and she scrambled back, afraid, as the light faded around her. Somewhere far away, a wolf howled.
This morning, she'd awoken clutching her pillow tightly and her jaw aching from grinding her teeth. Reluctantly, she pushed herself to the side of the bed and let her feet fall to the ground as she sat on the edge of the bed, staring through the windows at the early morning light creeping over the mountain peaks.
I can't do this every day. I'm going to go mad. She thought, shaking her head slightly, trying to rid herself of the nightmare. Wearily, she stood up, stretching wide with a yawn and rubbed her eyes. Too lazy to find something to wear, she slipped into her formal pajamas and tread gingerly down the stairs of the tower that was her room, hoping nobody would be in the great hall this early in the morning. It was too much to hope for, of course, but nobody bothered her as she walked barefoot across the long hall to stand before the door to the room that Solas had once made his study. She hadn't stepped foot in it since that night, and though she knew he wouldn't be there, she fought the urge to knock. Swallowing hard and exhaling deeply, she pushed the door open.
In many ways the room looked very much the same as she'd left it. The torches on the wall were diligently lit, his desk remained filled with familiar things, and the sound of ravens echoed overhead. But the veilfire Solas kept had gone out, and it seemed to signal everything that was so wrong about this place. Somehow, everything about this room was quieter, sadder.
She inhaled, and steadied herself in the doorway before venturing to his chair and pulling herself a seat. She ran her hands along the table and thought of the times she'd come in to find Solas deep in thought in this very spot. He hadn't taken anything with him when he'd left, but the things that remained looked like props without his presence. At the farthest corner from where she sat was a small tin. She reached for it. With the greatest care, she gingerly twisted off the lid and raised it to her face, inhaling the tangy sweet earthen scent. The smell made her eyes water as memories came flooding back to her.
"You can't hate tea. It's not going to work for us." She said, smiling up at him as she lay in the grass, her head in his lap.
"Oh?" He asked, raising one critical eyebrow. She treasured these small moments with him in solitude. With Solas, she always felt further away from her responsibilities - fully alive in the present, despite all horrors that surrounded her on a daily basis. She would gaze up at his ever-thoughtful eyes and see only the simple care and joy he felt for her.
"I get it. Woodsy, rugged elf scorns all things city and fancy. But you can't hate all tea! Surely you can appreciate some varieties! Highland Blue with elfroot and lavender is a wonderful restorative tea for mages." She suggested. He shook his head, smiling.
"With just a touch of wildflower honey?" Her big elf eyes pleaded with him and she stuck out her lower lip in a mock pout. He shook slightly with laughter and stroked her hair before leaning down to plant a kiss on her forehead.
"Well I'll find something you like even if I have to travel all the way to Rivain," she promised.
He just cradled her head and smiled at her.
Those days were gone. It didn't matter if Solas came back. She was his tea - Even if he exalted her as better than all the rest of her kind, she was still not to his taste.
She inhaled the sweet floral aroma, lidded the tin, and took it out of the room with her to walk across the way to Cullen's office. A cool breeze picked up and she hugged her arms to her body as she looked across the courtyard. The keep was beginning to come alive down below as soldiers passed each other and traded pleasantries. The smell of freshly baked bread hung in the air, signaling to everyone that the kitchens were open. For a time, she could almost forget that she was supposed to be raising an army here; that the only reason they found this place was because of everyone who had died at Haven. She could feel the magic of this place in every stone, humming with a rejuvenating song that somehow brought peace, despite being built to facilitate vigilance.
They would never have found Skyhold without Solas.
Crossing the walk, she approached the door to the commander's office and let herself in. The door creaked loudly as it always did, and she winced as the sound bounced off the walls. A little oil would have fixed it, of course, but Cullen said he preferred to have the door announce for him when people were dropping in.
Looking about, she saw the commander was not yet in his office, but hearing the door open, he called down a greeting.
"Yes?" He called, voice thick with sleep, "Who's there?"
"It's just me, Cullen." She said, "I'm just passing through."
She heard nothing for a little while, and then light thump on the floor overhead.
"I see… how are you feeling?" Came the reply from above. His voice was low, almost cautiously tender.
"Fine," she replied, trying to keep her voice as even as possible. She tired of people worrying about her, but it was too exhausting trying to pretend to be happy. She hoped she sounded sincere at least.
"Good," came his relieve response, "that's good."
When the silence that followed began to become uncomfortable, she started to be on her way.
"Inquisitor," she heard, "I am running a training exercise at the ring today. I thought, um. Would you like to participate? Some of the new recruits have expressed interest in seeing your ability. And I think it would be a… nice change of pace. If you'll forgive my presumption." Some more silence followed.
She thought about it for a minute, turning over the tiny tin as she did. Perhaps it was a good idea. She didn't quite feel ready to go save the world today, but she might welcome some sparring. She'd been idle too long and found the inactivity wasn't doing anything to improve her mood.
"Sure, Cullen," she relented, trying to squeeze as much cheer into her voice as she could muster, "that sounds fine."
"Oh! Really?" Her commander utterly failed at hiding the great surprise in his voice. "Great! We're starting in a few hours, I'm sure you'll hear us."
"Oh! wait." She heard a small commotion upstairs. "You should eat if you're going to be joining us. A good breakfast, I mean. I'm actually headed to the tavern for breakfast myself if you'd care to join me. "
"Oh. Ok. I guess that might be a good idea," she admitted, hesitantly. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was being babysat just a little bit. Cullen was a very thoughtful man but his concern made her feel a bit guilty at having shut herself up in her room so long.
"Good! I'll be right down."
She waited for not even a minute, listening to the thumps and scuffles overhead while she glanced about the room before he came hurriedly down the ladder.
She giggled. Cullen had never, in her presence, been so poorly put together. The fur collar he so often wore looked flattened on the left side and slightly askew on his shoulders. Some of the buckles on his armor had not been properly fastened, there were bed wrinkles on his face, and his thick blonde hair was tousled and badly in need of a brush.
"Oh my," she said, hiding her smile behind a hand. This was, perhaps, the first time in a week she had come so close to laughter.
He seemed to realize himself.
"Ah. Ha." He tugged on his armor in an attempt to straighten out and swept his hair back with his fingers. "I'm sorry. I suppose I could've taken more time to present myself. It's just..." he drew in a breath and met her eyes with a solemn intensity. "Nobody has seen very much of you lately. Leliana's reports say you haven't been eating much either. I'd never hear the end of it if I just let you get away without trying to make you eat."
Suddenly she felt very selfish. Her poor commander had hurried out of bed in such disarray simply to ensure her well-being. He was cute when he fretted, though. At a different time, it might have been Cullen that had captured her attention He was calm and sweet, and already shouldered many of her burdens. Simply thinking of it reminded her how very alone she'd felt lately. She was suddenly very grateful for the offer of company.
She helped Cullen straighten out his armor and fixed him up to just about normal, finding herself laughing and smiling with him as they both worked to make him slightly less ridiculous. Despite all Cullen had been through, he managed to to retain a degree of humility and willingness to laugh at himself that made him an excellent friend and sympathetic leader in spite of the stressors he surely faced during the course of his duties.
When they had finished, they walked across the battlements, occasional small talk breaking up the quiet in their short walk to the tavern. As she looked out over the mountains, she couldn't help but stop to look over Skyhold's entrance, somehow impossibly hopeful that she'd see her beloved standing on the bridge or off in the distance. She clutched so tightly at the tin in her hands that he fingers made little indents. When she finally looked back, she saw Cullen waiting patiently at the top of the stairs and she managed an apologetic smile before catching up to him.
When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Liara saw Cassandra was already awake and warming up across the courtyard and she regarded Liara with thinly-veiled astonishment to see her about, but kept her distance. Liara somehow felt she should be apologetic to the boredom Cassandra must feel when they were not out on missions, as she was often training alone in the courtyard. But it was just one more thing to feel guilty about that Liara just didn't want to deal with today as she and Cullen entered the tavern.
It did smell heavenly. The smell of the morning's bread immediately assaulted them as they opened the door, mingling with salt and meat.
"Inquisitor, please, have a seat, I'll be right back." He motioned to a small table and smiled at her warmly before wandering to the bar. Liara observed the small space, still largely empty. A few scouts sat around in groups chatting over pieces of bread and slices of ham with boiled egg. There was a fire, warm and lively, filling the air with soft crackling over the low din of conversations on the floor above.
She thought about today's plans and decided that it was good to have something to look forward to in the day. Already she felt as though her day had just a bit more meaning to it. It would be good for her troops to see her and for her to be an inspiration once again for something other than pity. She rolled her shoulders and neck, hoping she hadn't lost any of her dexterity in her short absence from the field.
Cullen returned with two glasses of water and settled into the chair across from her.
"They have some hash going in the kitchen that should be ready for us in a minute." He said. She nodded.
"So tell me about this training exercise you're doing? If you dragged the mighty Inquisitor out you must have something more than drills planned. A melee?"
"Yes, actually. I always encourage our soldiers to drill in the ring, but not everyone has taken to that voluntarily of course. I know the melee isn't everyone's strength, but the exercise in close quarters benefits all of our fighters." He took a drink from his glass and knitted his brows. "Honestly, I've been toying with the idea of having the mages train alongside our soldiers, but Cassandra doesn't believe the soldiers are ready to cope with their presence. And vis versa." He sighed and cast a humorously exasperated look at her. "I'm afraid she's right. Having a seeker and a templar overseeing mage combat might not send the message that we trust them as our partners. But it needs to be done if the Inquisition is ever to be what you… what we all aspire for it to be".
She hadn't really thought about the need for mages to train alongside troops, to be honest. She had grown up in a very different world than most of the people she now led. All of the mages she'd ever known had been "apostates" and she'd never learned to fear magic the way the shemlen had. Was it really so hard to accept that magic was just another weapon or tool and that the people that used it were simply trained in a different set of skills?
"That's not on today's agenda, though?" She asked.
"No. It's something I need to coordinate with Cassandra, Fiona, and possibly Vivian - if I were sure she would be wholly in support of the idea."
"You don't think she would be?"
He scoffed. "She wants the circles restored. Her idea of peace between mages and the rest of the world involves a 'healthy separation' between the two."
"Ah, yes," she said dryly, "that seems to have been working well up until now."
They both laughed a bit and settled into a comfortable conversation as their food arrived. Liara found herself relaxing around the commander more than she she'd expected, but Cullen was an easy man to talk to. He laughed politely and smiled across the table, telling absurd tales about the troops, mixed in with tales of heroism and triumph. By the end, she had half forgotten that she'd spent the better part of the week distanced from the goings-ons of her keep. When their meal was finished, he thanked her for her company and double checked that she was still coming to the ring later before wishing her good day.
She felt an odd pang of loneliness when he left.
"He will come back." Said a voice immediately beside her. She jumped a little, turning to find the source. Cole stood close to her, watching the door where Cullen had departed. "He admires you 'Wish she knew. Can't. Blue, under the skin, catching! calling!... can't.'"
Liara breathed an exasperated sigh and tried to force herself to relax in the spirit's presence. The trouble with someone only appearing when you're experiencing negative emotion is you begin to relate the two; as a result, Cole always put her slightly on edge. Liara guessed this may be one of the many reasons Cole found it easier to make people forget him, rather than hurt them with his presence. She vaguely wondered if it was too early for a beer.
"I am glad you're back!" He said, with a sudden burst of energy that made him almost seem human.
"Thanks, Cole. I am too."
"Am I not banned from talking to you anymore?" His big soulful eyes gazed at her from behind his untidy hair.
"Evidently not," she muttered, taking a baleful swig of her water.
"Oh."
For a long second, silence followed as she tried to think of something, anything else, that was happy that wouldn't catch Cole's attention. She stared at the fireplace, trying to recall her happiest memories.
She thought of the pride she felt when her keeper chose her for her mission; the exhilaration she experienced closing the breach at the temple of Sacred Ashes; the power she witnessed when she held the Inquisition sword above her cheering subjects; and the thrill she'd felt when she'd kissed Solas for the first time in the real world.
But Justinia was dead; the breach remained; her people were exhausted; and Solas - beloved Solas - might never return to her. She felt her hurt, and knew Cole felt it too. When she looked back up she saw his pained expression reflecting her own torment, somehow amplifying it and making her feel nauseous.
"You weren't wrong," he pleaded, "you did everything right. Sometimes right goes wrong. It wasn't your fault."
"Cole…" She heard her voice crack. She couldn't be dealing with this now. She wasn't ready.
"'Not yet'. I know. But-"
"No, Cole." She shut her eyes and swept her hair back, trying to push the thoughts away from her.
"I am sorry." He said before disappearing
Pushing her up from the table, she determined not to dwell on her thoughts. Her day had started so well by the rest of the week's standards that she was loathe to ruin it by pouting any longer. She shoved the thoughts from her mind as best she could before heading to her room to armor up.
