"Please, say you love me back..."

Santana suddenly woke up gasping in her empty double bed, completely sweaty and breathless. For a handful of seconds she staid simply freezed there, sit on that soft mattress under a pair of creased brown silk sheets and she tried to breath, only breath, c'mon stupid fucking woman, breath, just breath, it's not so complicated, breath, yes, yes, like this, right like this, breath, thread some air inside your lungs and then pull it outside, perfect, perfect, nothing happened, nothing, keep calm, keep calm. Ok. Ok.

A few minutes after, the panic attack finally ended; she definetely learned how to control them, that awareness gave its help to relax her more, she was proud of herself, years and years of useless fucking therapy and then one day just a little stupid memory of her past "Breath, honey, just breath...", damn try it! she had told to herself and that was the secret. That was and now she could keep control on her damn panic attacks. Honey. She had used to call her like this. Brit. Yes. Her Brit. How many years had damn passed. How many. But she had been her first love and the first love never goes out of your heart, never goes, 'cause the first love belongs there, belongs there 'til death. There was that extremely realistic nightmare that had deeply shaked her just before, that could prove it, there was that shy smile that spontaneusly rose on her face every single time she reminded her laughes, her looks, her hugs, her kisses. Tons of times it happened to Santana to wonder where Brit was, to wonder what she was doing, to wonder if maybe she sometimes thought about her. Her. What a stupid thing to think! Brit didn't probably neither remeber her exsistance! Years were passed, life was passed...life. Yes. Life. She had to think about her life, she had to sleep, heavy fucking day tomorrow, heavy fucking day tomorrow...

The alarm finally rang, the woman automatically turned it off, she didn't sleep anymore after that dream so she was tired, very tired, it was seven o'clock in the morning and she was already tired. Good. One of the most beautiful monday moring of her life. C'mon. C'mon. She had to go to work before, work, work, yes, work...a rapid shower, make up, dress, a professional brown tailleur would fit well, the mirror agreed, the skirt standed out her perfect ass and the mustard colored shirt emphatized her breasts...then a coffee, no, damn, more, more coffee, brushing teeth, lipstick, hair, a pair of high heels, the bag, ok, ready to go. Ready to go. The morning ran fast, she couldn't concentrate on the job, she couldn't, her mind was miles and miles away from there, she said yes, she said no, she pretended all the time to hear all those stupid talks, she was pretty good in the art of pretending, 'cause her thoughts, her fucking thoughts were so far away, 'cause she spent every single second of her morning thinking about her coming afternoon, her fucking coming afternoon. And then it came. Fortunately it was fast, very fast, fast but not unpainful, fast like doing a sign, no, two signs, her sign and her husband's sign, no, her ex-husband sign, ex from that moment, from that two fucking signs on their divorce documents. It's over so. Really over. When she put her lawyer's pen on the empty large table and she looked beside the man who she had married, she felt only sad...sad, empty, empty like that table, lonely...sad...but suddenly the man greeted and with a polite smile went out of the room, out of her life, it was in that exact moment that Santana began to feel cheered up, cheered up, free and foolishly happy, it was in that exact moment, when the door slowly closed, that she realized that was the best decision she had always taken in her whole life.

A fast look at her gold o'clock, ten to four, a smile rose above her handsome face, she had to go to take home her baby that finished her first day of school, she was so sorry she couldn't brought her to school that morning, but the little girl was with her father and so she missed it. No choice anyway.


"Hi, my honey baby!" she said when she saw the little browned hair girl run toward to her and jump into her arms with a huge smile printed on her sweety face.

"Hi, mamy! I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, hon! But tell me! How was your first day of school?"

"I'm very happy, mamy!"

"I see, I see, hon! And I'm so happy too! But tell me everything! I wanna details!" Santana said printing a huge kiss-snap on the forehead of her lovely daughter and putting her down, then, while the little girl started to talk, she took her little hand and brought her to the car.


"Mama! My first dance lesson!" yelled then the baby a few minutes after they arrived home.

"Shit! Oh, shit! Damn, forget those bad words, hon...the lesson! The lesson, yes! You're right! Buuut...yes, we're still in time, catch your bag and...c'mon, c'mon my honey baby!" she answered rapidly laughing with the girl and searching in her bag the key of her car.

Fortunately yes, they were in time, she drave fast, maybe a bit too fast, details, the important thing was that they arrived in time, yes...damn, what a long day...

"Go, Joey, go! Reach the other girls and have fun! I'll wait for you right here!" said when they're in the gym, pushing gently her little Josephine on the back.

"See you soon, mamy!"

How damn much she loved that little baby, she had never been able to imagine herself so madly fallen in love with a child, her love for her daughter was simply absolute, simply complete, simply pure and innocent right like a first love. A first love. A first love...

"Sorry!" shouted then a long blonded hair tall woman after she hurted Santana's shoulder running gracefully to the gym where a dozen of six/seven years old girls were still waiting for their dance teacher to come.

"What the hell..." Santana started, but the woman was already far away from her, continuing to run towards to the girls until she arrived at destination, then she dropped down her bag and put her hands on her knees, Santana couldn't see nothing except for her back but imagined she was searching to take some deep breaths after the run. That stupid dance teacher is just a huge bitch, damn! My poor fucking shoulder! After the lesson I've got something to tell her! Damn...

She sat down with a sigh and, as always when she extraordinarly had a little time, she started to think: she thought about her marriage...she thought about where she had been wrong whit that stuff...she thought probably she simply hadn't loved her husband enough...she thought she couldn't love anyone since she's always so angry...then she thought why, why she was alway so angry, she was angry with the entire world, the entire world, except for her little Joey obviously, she would be completely lost without her, simply lost...lost...lost...lost and lonely...she was lonely...except for her honey baby obviously, but...but...it's completely different. Completely. She was lonely and broken-hearted. That was the truth. That was because she was always angry with the entire wolrd except for the only person that can make her feel important, yes, yes, her honey baby, her "pequenha". But she needed, she strongly needed something...something she had had...something she had lost...lost so much time ago...something called love, true love...she needed someone who love her, right her, her, not her money or her success or her hot ass, just...her...just her...only her...maybe too little...maybe she was too little...and she had to accept the fact. The fact that she didn't deserve love, maybe beacuse in her life she wasn't been able to share enough love to the world, so love couldn't go back to her. She truly loved just a few persons: she loved her parents, she loved her honey baby and she loved Brit...

"Mamy!" then she heard shouting happily a few steps from her legs and suddenly her light thoughts bursted like soap bubbles.

"Honey baby! Come here! Then?" she questioned the baby picking her up and making her sit on her knees.

"You won't ever believe me, but guess how the teacher's called!"

"I really don't know, hon. How is she called?"

"She's called Britney Spearse!" yelled then laughing the little Joey.

"Really?" Santana answered laughing with her, but then a little thought began to jump into her mind: "Britney Spearse" or maybe "Brittany S. Pirce"..."Brittany S. Pirce"...Brit...her Brit...but what a foolish thought! Stupid, stupid woman! That is impossible! Impossible...foolish...

"C'mon, mama! I'll introduce her to you, she's funny! C'mon!" the baby started to shout pulling the woman's sleeve until she stand up with a smile.

"Comin'!" she said when the baby began to run towards to the gym. The teacher was already turned back to Santana who stood aside with Joey waiting for the teacher to end to talk with another mother. But maybe...really maybe...no...no, no, no...foolish, foolish...but...don't know...maybe...something familiar...those blonde hairs...that high figure...that athletic body...that wonderful ass... She had to fight the strong tentation...

"Santana?" she was only able to hear when the teacher turned herself towards to her, while she was still looking at her ass, so she looked fastly up. She felt her body freeze and then burn, but she couldn't, she absolutely couldn't talk. Then finally just a strangled whisper:

"...Brit?"