…Only then did I remember what the beauty of the meadow had driven from my mind – the enigma of Edward and the sun, which he'd promised to illustrate for me today.

I took a step back toward him, my eyes alight with curiosity. His eyes were wary, reluctant. I smiled encouragingly and beckoned to him with my hand, taking another step back to him. He held up a hand in warning, and I hesitated, rocking back onto my heels.

Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun.

He turned his back to me as the first ray of sunlight kissed his cold, white skin, and then, before my very eyes, my seraphic marble Adonis was engulfed in an effervescent shimmering sheath of rainbow lights, his beautiful, perfect features temporarily obscured from my inquisitive gaze.

After several long seconds the glittering, multihued aura melted away, leaving Edward's heavenly visage visible once more.

"Edward," I called tremulously.

His head began to turn toward me, ever so slightly, and my heart fluttered wildly, my eager anticipation at again seeing him in all of his glorious perfection rendering me motionless. My breathing grew labored the longer he kept his back to me and I began to hyperventilate; I did not know how long I could go without seeing his glorious, pulchritudinous face before my errant lungs ceased functioning altogether.

This was surely the most excruciating of tortures, to have such an angelic being before me, yet to be unable to admire his beauty.

"Edward, what's happened? Let me see you," I whispered, unable to bear another second of this agony, knowing that he would hear anyway.

He drew a shuddering breath and slowly turned around to face me, cold, white palms raised.

I gasped, shocked and horrified. His expression was half sheepish, half amused.

"Well, this is it," he said with a small, embarrassed chuckle, his usually velvety voice nasal and cracking. "This is the secret."

I couldn't breath, but it wasn't the sort of breathlessness Edward usually inspired in me. My vision faded.

"Bella?" His voice was distant, alarmed. The ground came rushing up to meet me.

xXx

I woke to find Edward hovering over me, looking concerned. I screamed.

"Bella! Bella, are you all right? Please speak to me!" he cried in anguish.

"Get away from me!" I shrieked.

He jumped away, looking confused. "I'm sorry if I startled you. I know the change is rather...dramatic." He smiled his crooked smile, but instead of charming me, his lopsided grin now only served to highlight the hideous asymmetry of all the rest of his new features.

In only a moment, Edward's once-vibrant bronze locks had become a dull rusty brown, like the color of dried blood, and hung lank and greasy over an abnormally short forehead. His smooth, ivory skin had turned a sallow, sickly white and was covered in angry red zits that put Eric Yorkie's to shame.

Even his eyes seemed different, no longer captivating and golden but flat, mustardy yellow, and very close together. One was rather squinted.

I was utterly appalled. Whatever had happened to my perfect, radiant, marble god of beauty?

"Edward, you're-" I choked. "You're ugly!"

He shrugged, still smiling, revealing a snaggletooth that looked as if hadn't seen a toothbrush since he'd been human. "Bizarre, isn't it?"

"Oh… Oh my God," I stuttered.

"Bella, my love," he wheezed. "I know it's bad, but I had to show you… I don't want there to be any secrets between us. I've never felt like this about anyone before in my entire-" He paused, red and chapped lips quirked. "-please pardon the technicalities, but - in my entire life."

I didn't even begin to smile.

He took a step toward me and reached to brush my hair out my face. I staggered backward as his fingers grazed me, his ice cold touch sending shudders of revulsion down my spine. Never had I thought that anything about Edward's touch could possibly make me cringe.

But it was all so clear now, I realized as I stared at him in all of his ugliness. Clearly, Edward had never been the one for me. How could I ever have thought that we were right for each other? I couldn't imagine a being so positively odious. The light revealed him for the hideous monster he'd always tried to convince me he was.

"Bella, come on, surely it's not that bad," said Edward in his whining voice, smile fading. "I love you. We're going to be together forever! You yourself said so five minutes ago!"

"Ri-i-ight. Uh, about that." I couldn't tear my eyes away from his disgusting repulsiveness. "Uh, Edward? I was just thinking, um, we don't really know each other all that well, and um, you know, what with the whole 'vampire' thing, family get-togethers might be awkward, so-o-o… Maybe we should take a break."

Edward frowned. "A break?"

"Yeah. You know. Not see each other."

"But… Bella… I thought we were soul mates!"

I stared at him. "Yeah… Not so much."

His hideously ugly face was made all the more vile by the anguish that flashed across it.

"Are… are you sure? I mean, I know I'm not good for you, but I can't help but feel-"

"Yeah. I'm sure." I spun around and strode out of the meadow, not caring how long it took me to find my way back to my truck so long as I didn't have to remain in the company of that ugly, blood-sucking creature any longer.

"Bella, wait! I could be attractive again! Wait! I just need to get out of the sun!" I heard him call frantically from behind me. It was too late. No matter how beautiful he appeared under cloud cover, I would always see the terrible eyesore that lurked just a UV ray away. That horrible face would be forever branded across the back of my eyelids.

Good thing I realized what a creep he was. If it weren't for this eye-opening experience, I might have actually gone on thinking I was meant to be together with that loser. I mean, who sneaks into a girl's bedroom to watch her sleep, anyway? Weirdo.

I trekked on, tripping over tree roots and fallen branches every few minutes. Damn it. This stupid forest all looks the same. I pulled out my cell phone and began to flip through my contacts list, trying to think of who would make the most ideal rescuer. Aha! Perfect. I dialed the number. He picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey," I said in my flirtiest voice. "So, Jacob, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come pick me up…"


A/N: Disclaimer- The first paragraph, from "only then" to "midday sun," is quoted from the book. Also, I don't own Twilight, I'm not making any money off this, etc, etc.

I actually didn't mean to portray Edward as sympathetically as I did, but I guess my hatred of Bella overruled my dislike of her boyfriend. Whatever. So many aspects of Twilight to parody, so little time.