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It was a fine, fine day in Tokyo, and the Sohma family had decided to go to a beach for the day. Well, Shigure and Ayame had decided to go to the beach for the day. The rest of the family somehow got pulled into the proceedings, like they do. The poor wee mites. Anyway. They were divided into three groups and then shockingly put into three cars to these reactions:
'I wanna go with Onee-chan! Onee-chan, Onee-chaaaan!'
'No groping in the backseat! No groping! This means you, Akito!'
'Am I allowed to sit on my own? Not on someone elses lap?'
'I flatly refuse to sit with Momiji. After what happened last time...' Finally, they managed to sort themselves out. God knows how, but they did. And armed with plentiful supplies of candy, beach toys, baby oil, flip-flops, and false eyelashes they set off on --title comes up in dramatic text-- THE SOHMA BEACH TRIP.
After an abnormally uneventful trip, they arrived at The Beach. Shigure, Ayame and Hatori, having been separated for the entire trip, ran up to each other and started screaming and bouncing around, similar to a trio of overexcited teenage girls, or maybe a pack of hyenas. And Ayame being Ayame, he just had to utter those fatal, evil words. 'So...WHERE ARE WE SITTING?!' Haru wanted to sit near the rocks. Kyo wanted to sit on the sand dunes. Tohru wanted to sit on the sand. Kagura wanted to sit over there, by the lighthouse! Kyo, darling! Let's sit by the lighthouse!'. Kureno and Akito, frankly, were far too busy hissing at each other about ice cream and the stains they leave on kimonos to care where they sat. And our favourite horse? Well, she was sulking in the car, pretending to have a bad time. Then the arguments began.
'I wanna sit over THEREEEEE!'
'Shiggy, let me sit with you...'
'Can we sit by the ice cream stall?'
'I think it would be nice to sit there, by the rock pools.'
'What the hell? Why there? That's a crappy place to pick, you damn rat!'
'I'm having a shit time! I'm having a shit time! I'm having a shit time!'
Finally, amongst much pimp-slapping, promises of sexual favours, thumb twiddling and flipping coins, they decided to sit next to the All Girls Private School Volleyball Match and the muscle man competition, on the sand, with a pile of rocks to the left and two trees to tie a hammock from. Shigure was joyful, Hatori and Ayame were playing with the false eyelashes, Tohru had fallen asleep and Haru was placing circular pink sweets at strategic points on her body much to the amusement of Hiro, Kisa was sucking her thumb and being cuddled by 'Auntie Akito', Kureno and Rin were fighting over the spare black bikini ('You're not even a girl!' 'Doesn't mean I don't like wearing bikinis!'), Momiji and Kagura were charming the little old lady at the ice cream stall into giving them free ice creams, and SEXY ORANGE TOP KYO was being walked after by a girl with yellow hair who was murmuring something that sounded like 'you've been a bad,bad kitty, and now you're gonna pay!' All in good spirits, of course.
In the next fifteen minutes, Kyo had been molested by the girl with yellow hair...
'Ooh, you are naughty...BAD kitty! BAD kitty!'
'meow.' 'meow, damn you!'
'meow...aren't you dying to know if its true about cats and their tongues?'
'ooh, well, when you put it like that...'
Thus followed a lot of shrieking and laughing, not to mention a pair of sheer gingham knickers being thrown over and landing on Shigure's head, much to his happiness and crossing-of-legs. At this Yuki remarked 'I never knew he favoured blue over pink. I'll remember that for Christmas.'
And Kureno having lost the fight over the bikini and having attracted rather a large amount of attention by dressing in Rins discarded underwear and sunning himself...
'Mummy, why is that man in ladies underwear? He doesn't have boobies.'
'He doesn't have the other thing, either, darling.'
'Say, I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side.'
'And I like violent psycho women with tiny breasts and who use me as a sex toy.'
And a rather unfortunate incident involving Haru, Yuki, a spare skirt of Tohrus and that crap Avril song, Girlfriend...
'HEY HEY!
YU-KI!
I DON'T LIKE YOUR BOYFRIENDDDDDD! NO WAY! NO WAY!
I THINK YOU NEED THIS NEW ONE!
HEY! HEY!
YU-KI!
I COULD BE YOUR BOYFRIENDDDDD!
Etc...
'Oh my god, oh my god!'
'Don't cry my name out when we're not having sex.'
'What's sex, auntie Akito?'
'...'
'...'
'Sex, Kisa, is a wonderful, physical thi-'
'SHUTTUP AAYA!'
'Oh, Ha'ri, you're so touchy.'
'...I think Shigure's asking for a sing-song.'
'Am I that predictable?'
'Non, my love, it is just that our minds are so closely entwined it is impossible not to know what you are thinking!'
'Do you ever shut up?!'
'Oooh, am I hurting your poor little eardrums, Kyo-kuuuun?'
'Shuttup! Where's yellow-hair girl?!'
'Hiro! Stop pimping that poor girl!'
'Kyo...please save me from this little boy. The fur is unbecoming.'
'Yuki...I have another song for you...'
'Rin, would you like Haru for a bit?'
'Only if he's blackkkk, fuckbucket.'
'I think he's black...I'm pretty sure he's black...'
'I'M GONNA FUCKING RULE YOUUU, YUKI!'
'Haru-kuuuun...I need some help with my bikini bottoms...oh, they're falling right down...'
'Everyone look to the right!'
'Everyone cover their ears!'
'...what do we do now?
' 'What do you mean?'
'I thought this was a dance!'
'Me too!'
'No...it's to stop you seeing what Rin and Haru are doing.'
'WHERE'S THE CAMCORDER?!' 'STOP SHIGURE! STOP HIM!'
'Too late...'
'Hi, I'm Shuigure Sohma, you may remember me from such erotic films as Big Boy's Back In Tokyo Town, Summer-Colored Sigh, and Kureno and Akito: UNCUT III, and I'm here today to present to you┘Hot Goths IIII!'
'Does anyone know where Tohru is?'
To be continued. And where is Tohru, come to think of it...?
