A/N another one just because I feel emotional after this year's Christmas...

Timeline – through and after 100 days episode... perhaps also Shades of Grey. So yeah, probably had been written million times over but sue me...

No beta - all mistakes are mine... sorry.

Chapters... - originally one chapter story but I already have one more chapter written so who knows. Ha. Sometimes stories have their own life.


I need a friend

Sam knew she should take a break but she couldn't. She was exhausted and drained but knew she had to keep working to solve the issue on her hands. One of many to come for sure. Building something like particle accelerator was not easy and she was tired so checking her work for mistakes and wrong calculations and coding problems was getting more and more difficult.

She allowed herself a brief pause. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. She could see his face immediately. Jack O'Neill and his brown eyes looking at her with wonder and joy as they were watching the sky on Edora before all hell broke loose.

It broke tears to her eyes. She didn't know what to do.

Then Janet appeared in her lab and for the first time she admitted to someone that she indeed missed her CO. But the way Janet asked, the way she looked at her spoke volumes. She could tell that it was beyond simple missing her CO. She just couldn't have such conversation with her.

She haven't admitted it even to herself so she wasn't able to admit it all to someone else. And she didn't want to put Janet into that tricky position where she would have to choose if to report it or not. No, this was her fight and she needed to handle this battle on her own.

"Sam..."

"It's okay, Janet. I promise to take a break and have some lunch, okay?"

"Well that would be nice..."

"But...?" Sam asked knowing there was a but in there somewhere.

"But it's almost midnight." Janet said softly.

Sam wasn't paying attention to time or her biological needs. She was focused on her task and everything else went aside.

Janet wanted to add something but understood that it would be pointless. So she left. She was worried about her friend but knew there was nothing to be said or done to help the matters. She knew Sam was stubborn and that she wouldn't stop till the Colonel was back home. She was just worried that the price to pay for that would be too high.

Janet tried talking to Daniel but he didn't have good news. He also tried talking to Sam to make her leave the base and get some fresh air or to take a day or two to regain her strength but he didn't have any luck. She shut him out and continued working on her programming.

"I'm just worried about her, Daniel."

"I know and you're not the only one." He told her.

"I was even thinking about going to the General." Janet admitted. Daniel put down his cup and walked to her. He took her hand and took her further inside his office before saying something.

"No, Janet. You can't do that."

"Why?"

"Because she needs to be here and work on that particle accelerator. She would never forgive you."

"But she's going to destroy herself!"

"No, she's not. We're taking care of her. For now."

"How? Huh? She's locked in her lab, she barely sleeps, barely eats, she hasn't left the base ever since you came back. It's not right, Daniel."

"Look, with Teal'c we make sure she has food. We brings her also fruit and have you met Kathy Krups from the commissary? She noticed and so we had a nice little chat and she always has some fresh smoothie for Sam. We bring her tea and decaf coffee. And when we find her asleep on her chair we take her to her quarters to get some sleep."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know..." Janet sat down, defeated.

"Look, Janet, I know you are worried about her, we all are. But she is stubborn and she had set her mind on bringing Jack home. And she won't stop till he's here. Don't take that away from her. She needs it." And he squeezed her shoulder in reassurance.

Janet looked at him and in that moment she understood – Daniel could see what she could see – the truth about their mutual friend. So she nodded and decided to trust him.

"Okay. But if she get any worse, looses more weight or I hear she passed out from exhaustion, I'm strapping her to bed and giving her strong sedatives so sleeps for a week!" She added and to her surprise Daniel just smiled at her.

"In that case it's gonna be me or Teal'c to bring her to you in the first place." He assured her and she knew he was telling the truth.

Janet left the base feeling bad for Sam. She wasn't sure that her friend realized the true nature of her strong desire to bring her CO home. She truly feared for her.

Of course it was difficult to be her friend when she was the CMO of the base but as she has seen the teams having different dynamics on Earth and off-world she could be a friend and then the CMO and those two didn't have to get mixed.

Sam Carter was still in her lab, she knew that someone had brought her try full of food. She also noticed that over the last few weeks the choice of food has changed. Somebody paid a real attention so she would be getting what her body and mind desperately needed to keep up. She knew she had lost weight and she couldn't even see her own image in mirror without gasping in horror but she couldn't care less.

She looked at the tray again and noticed piece of cake there waiting for her to take the fork and eat it. Instead of that she could no longer hold her tears back and knew she needed to get away from there. She checked her computer – there were 8 hours before the coding would be uploaded so she could afford to leave.

She didn't know where she was going, it was all too new to her suddenly. She changed into her civvies and left the base, driving away. It was probably morning as the sun was coming up. Sam drove and drove and suddenly found herself by cemetery. She killed the engine and entered the gate then. It took her about two hours of silent walking before she found the grave she was looking for.

Charlie O'Neill.

She collapsed in front of the gravestone and cried silently for almost half an hour. She was so spent and yet she knew she had to go back to the base to continue.

Before she could leave there were footsteps behind her. She got up and turned around to see Sarah O'Neill standing there watching her.

"Ehm... hi." Sam said wiping her eyes with the back of her hands.

"Hello... " Sarah replied not really understanding.

"I'm sorry, I'll leave you here." Sam said and wanted to go but Sarah stopped her.

"Wait... please. I... do I know you? You seem familiar. Do you work with Jack?"

"Yes, I do. I'm Samantha Carter. We met briefly in the hospital..."

"Oh yes, I remember you. Hi." And she actually smiled.

"Hi." Sam replied.

"Is something wrong?" Sarah asked and looked at Sam, noticing how tired and sad she looked.

"No. Yes. Well I don't know, I'm sorry."

"Did Jack send you here?"

"No, he doesn't know I am here. He... ehm..."

"Is he... did he...?" And Sarah couldn't even finish that sentence. She suddenly looked very worried.

"No, he's not dead if that is what you're asking. At least we think so. There's been an accident and he had to stay in a very secluded area and we can't establish contact so we don't know anything for certain." Sam tried to describe the situation as best as she could. "We're doing all we can, I promise Mrs. O'Neill."

"Oh, please, call me Sarah."

"All right."

"It's just you look ..."

"Like crap, huh? I know. I've been trying to fix some technical issues and I'm really exhausted. I just want to get him home." Sam told her and before Sarah could ask any more questions, Sam smiled at her sadly.

"I'm sure he'll let you know once he's back. I apologize for worrying you." She added and left before Sarah could say anything.

Sarah watched that woman walk away and something about the way she looked made her wonder about how much she didn't know about her ex-husband's life. Something made this Samantha Carter come here to her son's grave just on the day of his birthday.

Sam sat in her car and couldn't believe what just happened. Did she really go there? And was this the day of his birthday? And did she met Sarah? It was pure coincidence but anyway...

Her phone rang. It was Janet asking her if she could bring her something for breakfast. Sam knew that she had few hours to spare and felt bad about shutting her friend out so she decided to use the time she had the best she could.

"Actually, Janet, I am not on the base right now. I can be over at your place in 40 minutes, is that okay?"

"Sure it's okay." Janet replied, surprised.

Sam hung up the phone and drove over to her friend's house. Cassie wasn't there, she has already left for school. Janet welcomed Sam and offered her breakfast.

"And don't ask for coffee because you're not getting any." Janet said and Sam actually smiled at her.

"I'll have anything you want me to, Janet." Sam told her and so Janet made pancakes and hot cocoa and fruit salad.

"I make this for Cassie when she needs extra energy or to cheer her up."

"Do I look like I need to cheer up?"

"Don't ask me about how you look, Sam." Janet warned her and Sam understood. They had the breakfast in silence, neither knowing how to start the conversation. Afterwards Sam helped Janet to clean up and while drying one of the plates she finally started.

"I apologize, Janet."

"For what?"

"For not being a good friend, for worrying you, I don't know... everything. I'm not myself now. It's all just so..." And she didn't know how to finish.

Janet looked at her and smiled gently.

"Sam... I know this all is hard on you but you can't go on like this." She tried but Sam immediately shook her head in the no-no-no matter.

"I have to Janet. I have to make it happen, he needs to get home."

"Sam..."

"No! You don't get it. He was left behind. I left him behind!" Sam told her with passion and pain in her voice.

"You think it's your fault?"

"No it's not my fault. I know that. But he doesn't deserve to be left behind again... He can be hurt or even dead and it's just..."

"Again?" Janet was confused.

"Yes..." Sam said sadly.

"Black ops days?" Janet asked after a moment. Sam just nodded. She walked to Janet's couch and sat down. She felt so broken. Janet sat down next to her.

"Sam... is that all?" She asked softly and Sam looked at her with tears in her eyes and that was all confirmation she needed.

"How long?" Janet asked and gave Sam the needed space to tell her.

"I don't know."

"No?"

"No... Well there's always been attraction but that's all. Really. He was just another chauvinistic idiot with too many presumptions about women in the Air Force and I could barely stand him."

"But you became friends." Janet noted.

"Yes, in time."

"And then...?"

"Then there was flirting every now and then... I didn't notice at first but one day I caught myself smiling at something he said and it just all clicked you know."

"Sam..."

"I know it's pathetic okay? I know it."

"I didn't say that... Look, with the job you have you just can't avoid getting close to the people around you. Not here, not on this base. I know it, I see it every day."

"But in my case it's more than that." Sam said and it was barely above whisper.

"Sam..."

"I am not sure when it happened, Janet. One day I just knew."

"And what about him. Does he feel the same way?"

But before Sam could answer her phone rang and so she went over to her jacket to pick it up. It was one of her technicians, she was needed back on the base.

"Sam..."

"Yes?"

"Just tell me what do you need now." Janet said and was serious about it.

"I need a friend, Janet. A real friend."

And Janet just nodded. She understood. Of course Sam had Daniel and Teal'c but having a friend who happened to be a female was crucial in this situation. Of course it would be difficult given their situation but she could handle difficult.

And so she followed Sam to the base and watched her day after day, night after night as she worked on the particle accelerator. It was either her or Daniel or Teal'c, still trying to bring her food to eat or to get her to get some sleep. That was what friends were for.