Disclaimer: Doctor Who isn't mine. If it was things would be quite different. The BBC owns all and I bow before them.

D.O.C.T.O.R.W.H.O

My impossible dreamer. Because that's who John Smith was. Impossible and a dream. A wonderful, warm, all encompassing dream that turned into a nightmare. I should have known when he saved that baby. What human could have seen the danger and reacted like that? Luck. I don't believe in such things. I already suspected. It seemed he was waiting for something. Deep down I thought he might be waiting for me. Or at least I wanted him to be. But even then shades of the Doctor were poking through. Yet John Smith was real. He loved me and I loved him. Even with all that happened I can't deny what he brought to me.

That is why I found it hard to look at the Doctor afterwards. To see a familiar face but a stranger behind the eyes. I spoke the truth when I said I couldn't go with him. Because if John is in there, deep down, I could fall for him again and between what I have learned about the Doctor and his adventures and what happened here, I don't want a life like that. I don't want a life where people can die because of a whim. Where danger is around every corner. It's all so ahead of my time and not for me. I want a family. John made me yearn for that again, a dream I had given up. That is why I can't go with the Doctor – because he wasn't the one I fell in love with and he couldn't give me what John would have been able to give me.

Now that the Doctor is gone my tears flow freely. For a glorious moment in time I thought I had found a future again. When my husband died I thought that was the end. John opened my eyes. He made me feel and he made me think. Maybe that part of my life is not as over as I thought it was. John Smith, whoever, wherever, whatever he is now, would want me to be happy. So I will mourn once more. Mourn my John as I mourned my husband. And then maybe, just maybe I will find that life in my future. John, and maybe even the Doctor, would want that.

D.O.C.T.O.R.W.H.O

A/N: My first drabble (although longer than technical drabble it really isn't a story). This started to come to me as I wrote Parachute. I rewatched the Doctor's goodbyes and after he spoke to Verity Newman I imagined what Nurse Redfern would have gone through after losing John Smith. My heart broke for her in Human Nature/Family of Blood. Reviews welcome and appreciated.