Dear Fitz,
It's been ten months, ten long hard months since the last time you've spoken to me. You cut me completely off, said that I meant nothing to you, but away to relieve your sexual needs. You cut to me deep over a mistake that I made and you wouldn't even hear me out, not even to get my side of things. You humiliated and degraded me in away that nobody has ever done before and nobody will ever do again. For a long time I blamed myself, that it was my fault, that I deserve every harsh, mean, and nasty thing that you said and did to me. But what I've come to realize is that no, I didn't deserve it! I never have and I never will deserve to be treated that way by any man. The sad thing is that I allowed it to happen because I loved you and thought that you loved me. How wrong was I? Huh
You talk this big game about how I'm the love of your life! And all you wanted was me and Vermont. That love allows for forgiveness. But I guess that only applies when it's you that fucks up. You have hurt me on more then one occasion and I have always been able to over look it. To reason with it, justify it, then excuse it. But I can no longer justify your actions, I can no longer look past them. The excuse of I love you no longer holds any weight behind it anymore. Now don't get me wrong and think that I am placing all of the blame on you, because I promise you that I'm not. I take full responsibility for my part in our demise. I know have done my share of wrong doings and I hold no one but myself accountable for those actions. I know that some of my action have hurt you and for that I truly apologize because it has never been my intention to hurt you. I know that you may not believe me and that's okay too. But I do want you you to know that I have forgiven you for every horrible thing that you have ever done to me. I will never forget it but, I do forgive you.I don't regret our time together but I would change somethings about it. I would defiantly change how it ended but, that's neither here nor there.
These last ten months have been hard without you, but I've learned how to deal, how to live, and how to love myself again. I did a lot of self-discovery over these last few months and I've learned that you do not define me and you do not own me. I do not belong to you, just as you don't belong to me. You never have and you never will and I have finally come to terms with that and I'm okay with it. I have learned that I am the only one that can define me and I absolutely love that. I love that when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, I finally like what I see looking back. I like who I am without you, without the shame that I wore as if it was a badge of honor. I was digested with myself, I no longer knew who I was when I was with you. So with pride I can now say that I am happy without you. I never thought I would say that, but it's true I'm happy without you. I don't think you know the relief I feel now that I can say that and actually mean it. Now, I in no way mean to hurt you, that has never been my intention and its still isn't. My only intention is to be honest. And with that honesty might come some harsh realities.
You have always made it apparent that I run when things get hard. That all I ever had to say was the word and you would give everything up for me. And for a long time I have lived with the fact that maybe it was my fault that we aren't together. But as of recent events I have come to the conclusion that no, my actions did not alone factor in to our problems. Because honestly if you really loved me and wanted to be with me, you would have maned up along time ago and divorced your wife. If you would have had the balls to do that then maybe Vermont would be a reality instead of distant memory. You use the fact that I run when things get tough as an excuse. You use the fact that I would never let you quit as an excuse. But that's all they are, EXCUSES! Because if I was what you wanted, what you really and truly wanted, no matter I said or did you would have done anything to be me. You would have DIVORCED your wife.
I actually find it funny that Mellie has lied to for years about numerous things, yet you refuse to do anything about it. But I lie to you about one thing and you get rid of me like yesterday's trash. I didn't even lie to you it was more like omission of some important facts, but you have actually lied to my face. I just don't get it, you don't love Mellie yet you keep her around, but you love me and throw me away. I guess that in itself speaks some cold hard truths that I was too blind to see. But I don't blame you not really, because I knew what I was getting myself into when I start a relationship with a married. I knew that you would never leave your wife for me. Because it was apparent from the start that you two didn't love each other, yet you were still together. So if you would divorce her when she made you so miserable, what made me think that you would divorce her to be with me. I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part.
I want you to know that I don't hate you, even though you seem to hate me. I hold no resentment towards you in the less little bit. Though it may seem that way. I want you to be happy and I wish you well. I hope that one that you can forgive me, but I won't hold my breathe. I love you and I always will love you but we weren't meant to be and that's okay. Maybe in another time or place.
Love,
Olivia
A/N: This is my first time writing Scandal, so be nice. Also its somewhat AU. Disclaimer: I don't own Scandal or any of it's characters. xo Char
