STAFF RULES

Speeches are to be written, not improvised.

Speeches are to consist out of more than four words.

Tying a scarf around your head and screeching "USE YOUR INNER EYE" is a poor imitation of Sybil Trelawney and not in any way funny.

No alcohol is allowed during staff parties. You all know why.

Scatch that, staff parties aren't allowed.

Stop forcing Severus Snape to wear colours other than black.

When trying to convince him, stop using the following arguments: "But it's Christmas!" "But it's Valentines Day!" and "I'll fire you if you don't"

Albus Dumbledore is to stop hiring people who are not qualified to teach children (a death eater in disguise, a ghost, a guy with the darkest wizard of all time on the back of his head and Gilderoy Lockhart fall under this category).

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TRUST A WEASLEY TWIN.

The following are not good reasons for rewarding 20 points to Gryffindor:

- Harry Potter

- Harry

- Mr. Potter

The following are not good reasons for taking 20 points from Gryffindor:

- Harry Potter

- Harry

- Mr. Potter

The following are not good reasons to organize a staff meeting:

- a nice chat

- THE HOLIDAY HARPIES WON

- THE HOLIDAY HAPRIES LOST

Minerva McGonagall should stop cheating when playing Wizard Chess.

Albus Dumbledore should stop being such a sour loser.

Anyone who moves Minerva McGonagall's books out of alphabetical order will get what is coming to them.

When you see a cat with circles shaped like glasses around her eyes, don't pet it.

We are not starting a bowling team called "The Hogwarts Homies". Stop asking. You know who you are.

It is our joined responsibility to make sure Minerva McGonagall doesn't down more than 4 cups of coffee before midday.

It is our joined responsibility to make sure that Albus Dumbledore doesn't consume sugar of any kind before 10 AM and after 7 PM.

It is our joined responsibility to make sure Horace Slughorn gets back to his quarters safely when he has a little too much fire whiskey in his system. (Emphasis added to "his quarters".)

If Dolores Umbridge ever finds out who enchanted her quill so that every time she wants to write "order", it says "butts", he or she will have to face the consequences.

Anyone who eats Albus Dumbledore's lemon drops is to replace them within 24 hours. They are obliged to replace three times the amount they took (at least).

Answering to the question "can I come in" with "yes, just slyther in" got old after the 174th time.

So did singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Mad" whenever Minerva McGonagall loses her temper.

The battle to decide who gets Filius Flitwick on their team on Quidditch night will take place the evening before.

Pomona Sprout does not get special treatment just because she's the one who found out about his exceptional talents.

Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape are not allowed to be put in opposite teams, for the sake of their own, and the other players', safety.