disclaimer: so i was in the middle of contemplating the wonders of jello with Xander when suddenly i realized that he couldn't hear me on that side of the television screen
.][.dreaming gets me nowhere.][.
i had this dream yesterday. lots of you were in it. naomi and marie and carson and nibs and karen and random people that i can't place. and all i wanted was for one of you to go with me to get a $4 slice of pizza two blocks away from the building we were all in. and no one would go. no one wanted to. so i sat down in the lobby and felt abandoned and alone and stupid for trying. i felt insignificant. like it was stupid for me to think that anyone would want to do anything with me. it makes me sad. because sometimes it really feels like that. when i'm sitting on the floor of my living room facing a wall with the tv on just to fill the silence to pretend i'm ot alone. i hate being alone. i love not having to deal with other people. but its sad when you don't have anyone there. i wasn't always this pathetic. this co-dependent. i was feared. now i'm scared to leave the house by myself. they say it'll get better, that i'll be able to do things on my own as soon as....as soon as i get over the shock. how do you do that.....get over something like this. something so demeaning.
"Hey Buff, were going to the store. you coming?"
but maybe we've all been demeaned. brought done from what we were. look at the great xander, my great xander. brought done to watching over me when i was always supposed to be the one to watch over him. them.
"Buffs?"
i can hear his voice start to rise. he's worried. but i'm so far away right now that i can't bring myself to care. everything looks brighter and tinted. or maybe that's just the way the waters mixing in the bathtub. it reminds me of me. bright red....brought done to a watery pink.
"Buffy are you alright?!"
hes yelling now. screaming for Dawn. Dawn..... i hope she'll be ok. i hope she'll understand. i left her a note. did i put it on the dresser? did i? did i forget to sign it? no. no i didn't. its not like she can miss me. there's nothing left to miss. i died three months ago with Willow...and Giles...and Spike. nothing can take that back. nothing can take them back. i couldn't save them, couldn't save me. there's just nothing left.
".....oh."
they broke the door down. but its to late. i can't hear them anymore. i've lost to much blood for even my slayer healing to keep up. i can feel the bright pink swallow me whole as i sink deeper down into the tub. it doesn't matter that i can't breath, i haven't been breathing for months. i'm a moment away from dieing and i never really lived...
thanks for reading. reviews would be nice.
Mary-Jane
