Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, but I can write angst just as well as the folks who do, *evil laugh* :D

A/N: Okay, I'll call this chapter 1, but it's really a prologue. We'll start here, and we'll go back in time in the next chapter so that you'll see exactly why things are as they are. This is going to be tough to swallow for some, and it is a bit of a romanticized view of the spy world, but I think it works within the Chuck realm. Hopefully you can enjoy it even if it is a bit on the angsty side. Oh, and fair warning, this fic had the working title of "The Super Duper Angst Fic", so you can kind of see where it's going, I would guess, though this chapter really would leave no doubts about that. Also, it's rated T, but there are certainly some more adult themes, especially in this chapter, so just be warned. If sex, and stuff like that offends you, this isn't the fic for you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and please leave me a review to let me know what you thought.


Chapter 1: The Many Faces of Sarah

The first time Chelsea Duncan sleeps with Kresdon Sinclair, her alter-ego Sarah Walker is miles and miles away. Complete disassociation is one of the gifts that she developed in CIA training, and at that moment, it's the one she values above all others. If Sarah Walker hadn't been able to mentally escape the situation that was unfolding around her, on top of her, against her, she would have broken.

So while Chelsea's clothes are being removed by the thirty-something man, with hazel eyes, wavy blonde hair, and a chiseled physique, Sarah Walker is boarding a plane to Colorado with her boyfriend, and newly minted agent, Chuck Bartowski, for the first real vacation she's had in almost five years. They're headed for the mountains because Sarah has always preferred that landscape to any beach in the world. It's one of the first real facts she ever revealed to Chuck without him prompting her.

While Chelsea is running her hands down the muscular torso of her soon to be lover, preparing to remove his belt, Sarah Walker is walking hand-in-hand with Chuck on a mountain path in Crested Butte. They're taking in the beautiful scenery, and they're not saying anything. They don't have to. The love that they share, the depths of their relationship extend far beyond anything words could begin to describe.

When Kresdon's teeth scrape along Chelsea's neck, and he begins to methodically kiss his way down her body, she shudders with pleasure at his touch. But Sarah Walker doesn't feel what he's doing at all. She's back in Colorado, watching the sun rise over the mountains, sitting beside the man she loves more than anything in the world.

And just like had happened two months ago, Chuck turns to Sarah, kisses her sweetly on the top of her head, and holds her close. She revels in the closeness, and takes the moment to breathe him in, enjoying every part of Chuck Bartowski. His touch, his smile, he scent, his very presence is so strong it's intoxicating.

After several moments of their embrace, Chuck asks Sarah to marry him. And just as she had two months ago, when she was there in body, not just in spirit, she says yes, and she allows him to put the ring he'd hidden from her so well, for so long, onto her finger. And just as they had two months ago, when this was real, they kiss, and it doesn't feel like they will ever stop.

Just like had happened two months ago, Chuck and Sarah fly back to LA that night, to tell Ellie the good news. Once again, everyone goes out for a celebratory dinner at a very high end restaurant. Only this time, Kresdon Sinclair isn't already at that restaurant. And this time, Chuck doesn't flash on him, identifying him as a money launderer, weapons dealer, and most importantly a man of wealth with connections to The Ring.

So when Kresdon enters Chelsea for the first time, and her body is given completely to him, Sarah Walker is still in the restaurant. She's still eating a nice dinner with her fiancé and her future in-laws. In this world of disconnection that Sarah has created, she'll never know who Kresdon Sinclair is. She'll never be sent on this assignment. And the Sarah Walker that is miles away from Chelsea Duncan will never have to know that her husband-to-be has to watch, has to listen as another man enjoys her in a way that should be reserved for only Chuck.

But even the best liars in the world can't lie their way out of everything, and Sarah's dishonest with herself, her disassociation is wearing thin. She masks her pain, her guilt with cries of pleasure and passion. Those are the reactions Chelsea Duncan has to this situation. Unfortunately, Sarah Walker has to share a body with Chelsea, and she's not in Colorado anymore.


Chuck hates Beckman in the moment. He knows it's irrational, as the general didn't do anything to cause the current situation. In fact, she only asked Sarah to do what was necessary in the moment. It's something that their superior would expect any agent to do, and it's something that Sarah has probably done a number of times for previous missions.

That doesn't stop the horrible jealousy that builds in Chuck's gut as he watches another man kiss, and touch, and screw his fiancée. It doesn't stop the bile that builds up heavy pressure in his throat, threatening to spew forth as he has to listen to Sarah call out the other man's name, and profess her willingness and enjoyment of what the mark is doing to her body. Even knowing it's fake, it kills Chuck to have to witness it.

He's doing his best to develop that sense of detachment that Sarah told him he needed to have for situations like this one, he really is. But it's just not in his personality to remain uninvolved emotionally. He likes to think that his concerns are all about Sarah. And he is concerned for her. He's concerned about her safety, first and foremost. He's concerned about her emotional state as well. She's always been a bit fragile on that front, when it comes to real feelings. Now, he knows, it's killing her to have to do what she's doing, knowing that Chuck is watching and knowing exactly what's going on. He knows it's the last thing in the world Sarah wants to do, to hurt him. But despite knowing all of those things on an intellectual level, Chuck is finding it hard to get past his own issues with the situation.

Far from being as territorial as the average male, Chuck still finds that when it comes down to it, he hates the fact that someone else is getting to enjoy with Sarah something that Chuck himself has only enjoyed a handful of times.

Their lives simply aren't conducive to a healthy relationship, emotionally or sexually. They always seem to be on mission, and they know that they have to keep focus while they're in the field. The time for decompressing and love making has to wait until the job is over.

But that's the problem: the job never seems to be over. As soon as one mission is completed, the team always seems to be headed for another mission without any time to rest, to be themselves. Other than the wonderful three day vacation that Chuck and Sarah took two months ago, they've had startlingly little time with one another.

That vacation was originally supposed to be two weeks long, but then Chuck flashed on Kresdon Sinclair, and the time away from the job for the young, newly betrothed couple was cut very short. Upon briefing General Beckman about the discovery of this major supporter of The Ring, Team Bartowski had been given their marching orders. Sarah was to get close to this Kresdon Sinclair, and Chuck and Casey were to be there to provide backup.

That's when things had gotten really dicey. Instead of a quick in and out, it became apparent that this would be a long term assignment. Sarah needed to be with Sinclair for an extended period of time. She had to integrate herself into his life, and play the part of his girlfriend.

She held out on sleeping with the other man for as long as possible, Chuck knows, but "Chelsea" and Kresdon have been together for well over a month now, and the wealthy man that expects to get everything he wants, and to not have to wait wasn't going to take Sarah's hesitance forever.

Sarah called Chuck earlier in the day to let him know what had to happen. She'd been apologetic about what had to be done, and she'd been near tears, Chuck could tell. He did his best to be supportive. He said what he had to say to calm her down, to let her know that everything would be okay. He let her know that no matter what happened, and what he saw and heard, he'd always love her.

His support did the job, and Sarah was able to bring her focus back to the task at hand. Now if Chuck could only have someone to be supportive of him. He knows it's ridiculous to ask, but he needs someone to tell him that everything will be alright. He needs to know that this isn't forever; that Sarah still loves him despite what he's witnessing her doing with another man.

But he knows that support isn't coming, and he will just have to brave this storm alone. Chuck knows that the intelligence that can be gained with the current arrangement is far more important than his emotional hang-ups. And that's why he hates Beckman in this moment. Not because she gave this assignment to their team, as Chuck knows that Team Bartowski is the only unit that could pull this off, but because he needs something tangible to which to assign the blame for what's going on. General Beckman is such the obvious target for his ire.

Chuck knows, however, that the general doesn't deserve that blame. The only one to really blame in all of this is himself. He chose this life knowing what would be asked of him, and of Sarah. He made the decision for both of them when he decided to become a spy.

That's why Chuck holds back his feelings of jealousy and betrayal as he continues to watch the woman he loves give herself to another man. His jealousy is unfounded, as Sarah is only doing her job, and the only one who betrayed Chuck is Chuck. He caused this. He asked for this. Now he'll have to live with his decision.


A/N: Okay, you were warned. It's a bit on the side of angsty, and honestly, it doesn't get a LOT happier, but I hope you can still enjoy it. I look forward to your feedback, and you guys are awesome. Peace.