This is what I would like to see in the first episode of Series 5. I will put a trigger warning here because I do mention Anna's assault


Part One

John looked up from his book as Anna finished up her nightly rituals before climbing into bed. She was seated at the vanity braiding her long blonde hair. As he watched her nimble hands work the pale tresses and he got lost in his thoughts as her hands worked quickly to gather all the strands together. It had been over a year and half since Anna's attack and while things would never be exactly as they were, their lives had resumed a normal path again. That's not to say that things were still not difficult at times. Anna would still have a nightmare occasionally. John would wake up to the bed shaking and quickly turn to see Anna struggling against hands he couldn't see. He knew better than to just shake her awake; he had done that the first time he had seen Anna experience a nightmare and Anna had lashed out catching him on the cheek. Once she had awoken she had been wracked with guilt but John assured her all was well and from then on, he would softly whisper her name and touch her gently until her eyes would open. It would always take a few moments for Anna to be aware and the terror John saw in her eyes always made his heart break a little. But then Anna would reach for him and John would take her in his arms, whispering words of safety and love until her breathing would even out and she would be asleep once again. And the nightmares were happening less and less as time went on, and the shadows that used to often be seen on Anna's face were happening with less frequency as well. John still saw them from time to time. Sometimes a loud noise would come from the Downton kitchen and Anna would jump and fear would darken her lovely face or she wouldn't hear John approaching and his voice would make her jump. Anna was always contrite after those moments and quick with an apology, but John wouldn't hear of it. He would always grab her hand or place a kiss on her brow and assure her that she had nothing to be sorry about.

John's guilt was not so quick to be appeased. When Mrs. Hughes had first told him about what happened to his beloved wife, his immediate thoughts had of course been to find his wife and comfort her, to tell her that everything would be okay and that they would be okay. He would never blame her for what happened; he would never see her as less than the kind-hearted, loving and beautiful woman who had captured his heart the moment she had taken his hand over a decade ago. He remembered finding her in that infernal boot room and taking her hand in his before telling her the truth. That he knew what happened. She had been upset thinking that the worst had happened and their marriage would be over, he remembered the relief on her face when he told her he loved her more than ever. It was when he took her in his arms and the sobs wracked her small frame that the anger begin to seep into John's bones, the anger at the man who had hurt his wife. John knew it was Green, even with the denials from Anna and Mrs. Hughes, he knew it was the valet. He began to imagine the ways he could hurt the man, he had learned things in prison, things that would be invaluable in exacting his revenge on Green. Green was a cocky bastard, and it was easy to get him to talk about where he lived and his schedule. A few casual questions here and there and John had a timeline into the daily life of Green and the idea began to really germinate in his mind when Anna mentioned going to London for a few days with Lady Mary. A quick mention of going to York to Mr. Carson and John's plans were set in motion. Of course what happened that day had never been mentioned to Anna and John had to admit that the shame he felt about that day had eaten at his soul. He didn't like that the secret was still between them, but fear had kept him from telling her the truth. But John knew he had to come clean to Anna, tell her all of it, especially now, he didn't want the secret to be between them anymore.

He remembered the day that Lord Gillingham had brought the news of his valet's demise, and Anna's face and her questions about risking everything. He knew she doubted him and he hated that he had put that doubt there. He hadn't told her what happened in the beginning because he didn't want her to be upset by what he had done. However, as the months had passed, John's guilt had grown and now with Anna's recent news he knew he needed to come clean and tell her the truth. He was brought out of his thoughts by his wife settling into the bed, pulling the covers over her. John put the marker in his book, closing it and putting it on to his nightstand before turning back to his wife, opening his arms. Anna quickly slid into them sighing with contentment.

John stroked a hand up and down her arm before running it over the bump that was just starting to show. Anna had told John the news only last week, after he had insisted she talk to Dr. Clarkson after weeks of being sick and tired. John hadn't been able to hide his surprise or his elation. They had never stopped trying to conceive a baby but after a while they had come to terms with the fact that it might not happen and were content with their lives. John admitted he was nervous about being a father in his fifties, but he was excited as well. Anna was glowing of course and had already knitted two sets of booties, blue and pink to cover all the bases. It had been Anna's news last week that had made John realize he needed to come clean with Anna. He didn't want this next chapter of their lives together to be shadowed by his secret. He placed a kiss on her brow, before speaking.

"Anna? I need to tell you something."

Anna looked up and him and frowned at the look of nervousness on his face. She quickly sat up and turned her body towards him, reaching for his hand. "John? What is it?"

John took a deep breath. "It's about the day Green died." John saw the light in her eyes dim and cursed at himself for taking it away, but he knew he had to press on, that he had to tell her the truth once and for all. "As you know, I did go to York that day, but I left very early in the morning and when I got there I bought another ticket, a ticket to London."

John heard her slight gasp and felt her hand tighten in his. He glanced at her before looking down and continued with his story. "I had to wait twenty minutes for the train to arrive so I sat at a bench and thought about the ways I could do it. How I could kill Green-"

Anna cut him off, "John stop, I don't need to hear this. I know-"

"Anna let me finish, please?" He saw her nod from the corner of his eye, and continued, "So I sat there on that bench in York and thought about how to do it, and I was confident I could do it and not be caught, but you know me and you know I sometimes think too much and a little voice inside of me said that I might not get away with it. I tried to push that voice away but it lingered and I began to wonder what would happen if I did get caught. I saw your face the day that I was convicted of murdering Vera, and I heard your scream of horror when the verdict was read. I remembered your face tear-stained and grey that day in the prison when we thought we were saying good-bye. And then I saw your face the day I was released, how happy and relieved you were to have me back." John glanced at Anna then, and noticed the tear escaping her eye. He reached out and removed it with a gentle swipe of his thumb, and then stroked his hand down her face. He took a deep breath.

"I couldn't do it."

Anna let out a sob and threw herself into his arms. John wrapped his arms around her and held her close, tears filling his eyes. He pressed a kiss into her hair before continuing.

"As much as I wanted that man dead Anna, and as much as I wanted to be the one to do it, I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt you in that way, not again. And I couldn't risk our future. The one you had built for us when you found proof of my innocence and freed me from prison. So I put the ticket in my pocket and spent the day walking in York and I came home that evening, feeling ashamed for even thinking about risking what we had. When you told me Green had been killed, I admit I was happy, but I was also shocked." He looked down at Anna, "I know you wondered if it had been me."

Anna spoke up, "I'm sorry."

John smiled into her hair. "You don't have to be sorry, you had reason to wonder. Hell, I had almost gone there that day to do the exact thing you were worried about. I could hardly be mad at you for thinking that of me. I am only sorry that I let you think it for so long. But I was a coward you see, I was afraid it would change things between us. That you would think of me differently for thinking about it." She heard him hesitate and heard the doubt in his voice, "I was afraid that part of you would be scared of me.."

Anna pulled back from John and and looked deep into his eyes, "You silly beggar, I would never be scared of you. I love you." She smiled as a thought came to her. "Is this why you were so grumpy with me for giving your coat to Mrs. Hughes for the refugees?"

John chuckled, "I wasn't grumpy." He glanced down as Anna giggled, a sound he would never get tired of hearing, "Okay maybe I was a little grumpy. I had forgotten to take the ticket out of my pocket. It was one of the last day I wore that coat, it had gotten too warm for it after that. When you told me that you had given the coat to Mrs. Hughes, I panicked, and was afraid one of you would find the ticket and assume the worst. But when neither of you said anything I assumed the ticket had gone unnoticed. I suppose I should have told you're the truth then, but things were better with us, our lives seemed to be back to normal, yes a new normal, but still normal nonetheless. There was a part of me that knew I should tell you, but I was afraid of ruining what we had rebuilt, so I continued to keep silent. Then you came to me last week and told me the wonderful news." John stopped and shared a smile with Anna. "You told me about the baby and I realized I couldn't keep it from you any longer. I couldn't let this secret follow us any longer."

Anna looked up at John. "I'm glad you told me, and I am glad it isn't between us anymore. I need to share something as well." She saw the confusion in John's eyes and quickly continued, "I was relieved when Lady Mary told me he had been killed. I feel shame for that, but he was a horrible man, and I was scared every time he came back to Downton. I was relieved that I wouldn't feel that fear any longer, I was relieved he couldn't hurt me again. I admit that I did think you had done it, I was afraid you had taken justice into your own hands, but then I realized you wouldn't risk what we had, I had faith in you. And I was right."

John spoke up, "But I thought about it Anna. I thought about risking it all in my anger and guilt for not protecting you."

"Yes, you thought about it, but you're only human John and thinking about it doesn't make you a horrible person. You thought about it but you didn't do it. So you see my faith in you was well-placed."

Tears flowed from John's eyes at Anna's words. "Anna I don't know if I will understand where your faith in me comes from."

Anna reached up and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "It's easy John. It's called love."


I hope you all liked this, and I truly hope we find out the truth of what happened in Series 5. As always reviews are always appreciated!