All rights for the characters and the show belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC.

Summary:

Sometimes there is a conflict between our head and our heart and before this conflict can be resolved, something happens that makes us wish, we would have listened to our heart before to save valuable time.

This story takes place in the middle of season 4. Castle and Becket are not in a relationship yet.

My heartfelt thanks goes out to Angela, who helps me editing this story and dealing with some language difficulties (English is not my first language).

I'm looking forward to your reviews! Please let me know what you think!

The Pursuit of Happyness

Chapter 1

Why does everything have to be so complicated?, Kate Beckett thought.

She sat at her desk at the 12th precinct with her head on her hands while she was day-dreaming. As so often during the last couple of weeks her thoughts were revolving around one man and the more she tried to fight against the increasing feelings and the recurring dreams the more intense they got.

But Kate knew that it was senseless to go there. The danger of getting hurt again was too big.

Either the relationship could go wrong or something bad could happen to him like with her mother.

In the first case she would risk losing her best friend and partner and she wasn't sure that she could bare it. She never got far in her past relationships, they had mostly been short flirtations, sometimes just dates. The 6-month long relationship with Will Sorenson had been her longest so far. That was the reason she doubted that she was even able to keep a long-termed relationship. And if she decided to embark on it, that would be what she wanted – the whole package, forever.

And what about him? - He was Rick Castle, also known as a ladies-man with two failed marriages. Would he be able to commit to a relationship with her forever?

She didn't even want to think about the possibility of the second scenario. She wouldn't be able to cope with losing another loved one. The pain she had lived with since her mother's cruel and sudden death was still too deep and present. She had been having nightmares the past couple of nights from which she had woken up sweating and crying. But the dreams had not been about her mother anymore – now it was Rick whom she saw dying, before her eyes. And there was nothing she could do.

The thought of this nightmares alone sent cold chills down her spine. She must have trembled slightly because suddenly she was startled by Castle's voice as the scent of fresh coffee reached her nose.

"Hey, good morning. Are you cold?" - Castle winked at her but she could tell by the look in his blue eyes that he was truly concerned.

Kate shook her head and reached for the coffee thankfully. She wasn't sure if her voice would sound stable enough after those emotional thoughts to convince him that she was ok.

During the last years he had managed to read her like a book and sometimes she got the feeling that he knew her better than she knew herself. That terrified her and was yet another reason as to why she was scared to pursue having a relationship with him.

She drank the coffee in small sips and the warmth made her feel a little better. When she looked over to the chair that had stood beside her desk since Castle had tricked the 12th into allowing him to shadow her, she saw worried but tender blue eyes looking back at her. Kate's heart skipped a beat, only to continue beating with twice the rhythm than before. If a single look could cause such a reaction, what would it be like if they kissed?

She could answer this question herself. They had already kissed once. Undercover, as a diversion. Only for the job but it didn't mean anything. At least that was what Kate was trying to convince herself of. But the thought of the kiss alone made her feel like she had a thousand butterflies in her stomach. She knew that it had been more than just a fake kiss for him since he had confessed his love for her after she'd been shot. But she had been too afraid to admit that she had heard him say it. And now she had been living with this lie for almost 9 months.

Kate had tried to make him say it once more. She had given him a couple of opportunities to do so, but he had always backed off or changed the topic. Was it possible that he didn't love her anymore? Had she destroyed his love for her because she couldn't tell him how she felt?

Suddenly she felt a warm hand on her shoulder and she jumped because of the sudden contact.

"Beckett, are you really okay?", Castle asked anxiously.

She swallowed and replied: "I'm fine, Castle. I just didn't get much sleep last night."

"Oh, why is that? New boyfriend?", Castle tried to sound unaffected but he didn't hide it very well.

Beckett decided to take this occasion to try again to make him talk about his feelings. They were at the precinct but it was still early and there was hardly anybody there.

"And if this was the case, Castle?"

"Is that a yes?", Rick tried to remain calm but the thought of seeing Beckett with another man again drove him crazy and his voice sounded much higher than he had intended.

"Would you be jealous?", Kate smiled as she winked at him. She was suddenly unsure that she might be going too far.

"What? No, what makes you think that?", he countered and could have kicked himself for saying that in the next moment.

Beckett looked at him shocked and could hardly hide her disappointment.

When she realized that his reaction got to her more than she was willing to admit, she stood up and quickly made her way to the restroom. So, she hadn't been wrong. His feelings for her were gone. Over.

She leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath. She wiped away a few tears that she hadn't been able to stop from falling. But more tears came and she let herself slide down the wall onto the floor and she sobbed, covering her face with her hands.

Castle was surprised by Kate's sudden departure, but when he had thought about what she had asked, he realized he had made a grave mistake. He wanted to follow her but then he decided to wait and give her some space to collect herself. He had never seen her so emotional. The sadness in her eyes, that he was the reason for, left him angry with himself. How could he say something so stupid? Of course he would be jealous! All he wanted to do was to hold Kate in his arms and kiss her again like he had the night they rescued Ryan and Esposito. Why wasn't he able to be honest with her instead of giving such a stupid answer?

20 minutes later Kate returned to her desk and sat down without a word. She gave Castle a short glance but quickly looked away and gave her full attention to the mound of paperwork on her desk. Before Rick could say anything, her phone rang. There had been a murder.

A new case.

Castle decided to invite Beckett over to his loft after they finished for the day, to have some long overdue talk. What he didn't know was that this day would change everything.