AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so I know everyone by now has probably heard the spoiler going around about Deacon coming down with some horrible illness/disease later in the season—and for those that hadn't—I apologize profusely in advance—anyhow I know a lot of people have been writing on the subject, which is probably how this story got stuck in my head and just wouldn't let go—but this is my take on the version of events. I went with his heart being the issue, just because the guy's had his heart stomped on by Rayna all too figuratively lately, that it might as well be broken literally. Right now I have this set as a one-shot, though depending on what you guys think and whatever else my crazy mind comes up with, I may add to it later. (*HINT REVIEWWWW PLEASEEE!) I do want to add though that personally, I hope the writers DON'T go down this route with Deacon—the poor guy's already been dealt too many low blows as it is—he needs things to go HIS WAY for a change. But in the meantime, it gives us something to write about, so…have fun reading! As always, reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks! xoMESSIEJO
DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING! RIGHTS AND CHARACTERS OF THE SHOW "NASHVILLE" ARE RESERVED AND BELONG TO ABC AND ITS AFFILIATES…NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED!
Rayna was backstage in her dressing room getting ready for her performance later when she heard the commotion outside her door. Curious, she was about to go check it out when her phone started ringing. Crossing back to the vanity, she picked it up, smiling. "Hey sweet girl, you enjoying the show?"
"Mom! Something's happened!" Maddie cried into the phone, her voice breaking as she broke into sobs.
Rayna's smile faded immediately as her maternal instinct kicked into full force. "Maddie? Sweetheart, what is it? What's wrong?" she asked, worriedly as she gripped the edge of the vanity until her knuckles turned white.
Teddy had suggested Maddie come out and spend a few days with Rayna on her tour, considering she hadn't been acting like herself in recent weeks. He'd figured a change of scenery might do Maddie some good and Rayna had agreed. Since she and Luke had decided to combine their tours, that meant Maddie would want to spend time with Deacon as well. Which is what she was doing right then, or so Rayna thought? She was supposed to be watching Deacon's show from backstage with the rest of the crew. A quick glance at the clock on the wall told her that Deacon should still be doing his set, so she couldn't imagine what could have upset Maddie, as she so clearly was.
Maddie sobbed a couple more times, struggling to answer. "Deacon…its Deacon, Mom. He just—one minute he was fine and then he just collapsed. Mom, I'm so scared. Will you come, please?" Maddie begged.
Rayna was already grabbing her purse. She'd flung open the door and was already running down the tunnel before Maddie'd even finished her question. "I'm coming baby," she said into the phone.
Oh please God, let him be alright. She prayed as she ran, though the pit in her stomach told her that whatever it was, it wasn't good. Deacon was rarely sick. In all the years she'd known him, she'd only seen him get sick a handful of times…with the exception of his drinking. There was a time when she would have immediately assumed he'd slipped…but that was the farthest possible explanation from her mind right then. She knew better. She knew he'd changed. He was a different man now. She could see it in his eyes, in the way he was with Maddie…the way he'd held her in his arms the night he'd asked her to marry him and the next day when he'd all but pleaded with her to give them a second chance, to give their love a chance…and she'd turned him down by going to Luke's charity thing instead of his show that night at the Bluebird. Maddie had nearly been in tears the next day when she'd told her about the song she knew he'd written for her that Rayna hadn't been there to hear. Oh God, the song. What if she never got the chance to hear him play her that song? she wondered, an unfamiliar panic coursing through her at the thought, stealing her breath for a moment.
She pushed the thought away quickly as she came to the end of the tunnel leading to the stage and pushed her way through the small crowd of people that had gathered. She ran up the few steps to the stage and then froze. Everything else faded—the sounds of the crowd, the yelling of the crew, the blinding stage lights, all of it. Her focus zeroed in to the middle of the stage. There she saw Deacon, lying there, unmoving. Maddie knelt beside him, her face pale and tear-streaked, her eyes wide with fear and worry. That blonde woman she'd seen hanging around Deacon lately—what was her name, Pam-Sam—something like that—she was there, too. Rayna tried not to read too much into how worried the other woman looked…after all, this wasn't the time or place for her to be getting jealous. Not to mention, she didn't exactly have a right to be jealous. Deacon wasn't hers. She'd turned down his proposal. Even so, it grated her that that woman was just there. She couldn't explain why. Not rationally anyhow.
"Mom!" Maddie's voice called to her, pulling her from her thoughts. Rayna started and rushed forward as Maddie ran towards her. Rayna caught her in her arms, holding her daughter close as she sobbed. As she comforted Maddie the best she could, she kept an eye on Deacon, who was being attended to by a pair of EMT's and an older man that she recognized as the tour physician. Within minutes they had him on a stretcher, with Maddie and Rayna following close behind as they carried him off the stage. They followed them out to the back private entrance where an ambulance was waiting, where they loaded Deacon inside. Maddie turned to Rayna, eyes wide and pleading. "I want to go with him," she insisted.
Rayna hesitated, glancing at the ambulance and then at Maddie. "Honey, I don't think they'll allow—"
"But I'm his daughter!" Maddie cried. "I want to go with him. He sh-shouldn't be alone. What if—Mom, please, will you just ask them?" Maddie begged.
Rayna nodded and turned to one of the EMT's. "Excuse me…would it be possible for us to ride with him?" she asked the young paramedic.
The man glanced sympathetically between her and Maddie and shook his head. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but there's no room. You can meet us at the hospital though," he said, telling Rayna what Emergency Room they were taking him to before climbing in the back of the ambulance and closing the doors.
Rayna turned to Maddie and pulled her close. "It's okay. I'll call for a car and we'll go right to the hospital. He's going to be okay, sweetie. You'll see," she promised.
Maddie pulled away, shaking her head. "You don't know that. You don't—" her bottom lip trembled.
Rayna swallowed hard as she cupped Maddie's face in her hands. "Yes, I do…because Deacon's tough. It'd take a hell of a lot for him to leave you," she said, smiling. "He loves you so much, you know that, don't you?"
Maddie nodded, and a sob escaped her lips as she hugged Rayna again. "I'm really scared, Mom."
Rayna tightened her arms around her. "Me, too, sweetie. Me too," she whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Maddie's head. "But it's gonna be alright." It has to be.
It was nearly an hour after they arrived at the ER before they were even allowed back to see Deacon and by then, both Rayna and Maddie were going near-crazy with worry. All the nurses would tell them when Rayna asked was that he was being "checked out" and that she'd have to wait. And if there was one thing Rayna Jaymes did NOT do well, it was waiting. She hated waiting. Especially in hospitals, and especially when it involved important news concerning the man that had—in some aspect or another—been a huge part of her life for the past 25 some odd years.
As the nurse showed her and Maddie to Deacon's room, she braced herself for whatever was about to happen. No amount of preparation could have prepared her for seeing Deacon lying there in that hospital bed though. Granted, he was conscious and alert and some of his color had returned, but he looked weak…tired. Though after the ordeal he'd had, she wasn't surprised. Collapsing in the middle of a show would do that to a person. She saw his eyes light up the moment he saw Maddie though and she bit back a smile as she watched Maddie run across the room and practically throw herself at Deacon. "Maddie—sweetie, go easy—" she reminded her, only to be cut off by a stern look from Deacon.
"She's fine, Ray," he said, his voice belaying more strength than he appeared to have.
She bit her lip, nodding as she slowly walked over to the bed, wringing her hands nervously together. She swallowed hard as she stopped by the foot of the bed, her gaze meeting his over Maddie's head. "So um, how are you feeling?" she asked softly after a minute.
He shrugged. "Tired. Must've worn myself out with all the performing." He smirked. "Guess I'm not as young as I used to be, huh?" he asked, his tone light.
She half-smiled. "What'd the doctor say?"
He shrugged again. "Oh you know, just to slow it down. Take it easy for a bit." He glanced down at Maddie and grinned. "To act my age. Ha," he added for her sake.
Rayna narrowed her eyes, searching his gaze…not believing him for a minute. She knew him too well…knew there was more than he was telling. "That's it?" she asked.
He gave her that hard, stubborn look of his that always annoyed the hell of her and nodded. "Yep. Just about. Nothing I can't handle, Ray." He looked away from her and looked down at Maddie. "Sorry if I freaked you out there, kiddo."
Maddie nodded. "It's okay…as long as you're alright. You're really okay?" she asked, eyeing him with uncertainty.
Deacon tapped her on the nose with his finger. "Don't you go worrying about me, darlin'. I'll be right as rain in a few days, you'll see."
Rayna rolled her eyes as she listened to him. She wasn't fooled. She knew him too well. Reaching into her purse, she grabbed a couple of bills and handed them over to Maddie. "Hey sweetie, think you can go find a vending machine and grab us a couple of waters?" she asked.
Maddie took the money, nodding. "Can I grab a snack, too? I'm kind of hungry," she said.
"Get whatever you want," Rayna told her, watching as she gave Deacon a quick hug and then walked out of the room. The second she was out of earshot, she turned to Deacon, hands on her hips. "Alright, give it to me straight. What'd the doctor really say?"
Deacon sighed. "Ray, just drop it," he said.
"I most definitely will NOT drop it, Deacon," she argued. "You collapsed in the middle of a show. That's serious. What is going on?"
He swore under his breath. "Look Rayna, I appreciate you bringing Maddie down here and all, and I'm sorry I screwed up your night and the show and godknows what else—but my medical business—isn't really any of your concern at this point," he said.
Her eyes flared. "The hell it's not!" She stepped closer to the bed. "This is me you're talking to, Deacon. We may have had our…differences lately…but I still care about you. I can't just shut that off because you're pissed at me. God, Deacon—do you have any idea the hell I've been going through the past couple of hours not knowing what's been going on? Or what it was like having to see you just lying there like that?" Tears filled her eyes and slid down without warning, unchecked, before she could stop them. "Damn you, Deacon," she swore, turning her head away, embarrassed by her tears.
"Ah, hell don't cry Ray. C'mere," she heard him mutter under his breath and she felt his hand reach out and his fingers encircle her wrist, pulling her towards him so that she sat on the bed. Much as he'd done with Maddie minutes earlier, he wrapped her in his arms. And like Maddie, she clung to him, breathing in his scent that was so him. After a few minutes, she forced herself to leave the warmth of his arms and sit up.
"Deacon…what aren't you telling me?" she asked softly.
He sighed heavily. "It could be nothing, Ray…"
"Or it could be something. What?" she asked.
He swallowed hard, took a breath, and then slowly released it. "Acute Cardiomyopathy," he finally admitted.
Her eyes widened as she slowly processed the two words. "Wh-what is that? Is that like a heart attack—what does that mean?"
He shook his head. "It's not a heart attack. It's more like the lining of my heart muscle isn't as strong as it should be," he explained.
"Okay," she said slowly. "So what does that mean? They can fix it right? They can give you medications to make it stronger, can't they?" she asked, hoping her voice didn't sound as panicked as she felt.
He took her hand, linking her fingers with his the way he always used to do when she'd start freaking out about something—for some reason it always seemed to calm her down—and smiled a little. "Ray, we don't even know if that's what it is yet. The doctor said I'd have to see a specialist to be sure."
She nodded. "Yeah, but it's treatable. Right?"
He hesitated. "There are medications, yes," he said, slowly. "But they just slow down the symptoms. Ideally…" he sighed.
"What?" she asked.
"Ideally…I'd be looking at a transplant. Which, considering my past and that fact that it was probably my bad habits that got me this way in the first place—well, let's just say I probably wouldn't be at the top of those pickings, babe," he said, giving her a sardonic smile.
She glared at him. "Don't even say that. Don't even—j-joke about it, Deacon. That's not funny. You're sober. You've been sober. There's no reason why they'd keep you from being put on a transplant list if it comes to—" she stopped talking, the full weight of what they were talking about finally hitting her. Her face fell and she went really pale. "Oh God, it's really that serious?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
He swore and shook his head. "No, Jesus, Ray. I told you—nothing's even confirmed yet. I have to see a specialist and they have to run all sorts of tests. We're a long ways from anything like that."
"Promise?" she asked. "Because I swear to God, Deacon Claybourne if you're just telling me what you think I want to hear I'll—" she bit her lip as she held back a sob and pressed her cheek against his chest once more, needing to hear the steady sound of his heartbeat, needing that closeness.
He threaded his fingers through her hair, sighing at the familiarity of just holding her in his arms again, even as short-lived as he knew it was going to be. "It's going to be fine, Ray. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," he said. And he wasn't…not if he had anything to say about it.
When his blood work and other labs had come back normal and the doctor was satisfied that the episode had been brought on by a combination of stress, dehydration and overexertion, he gave Deacon the release to go home—on the condition that he make an appointment to see a heart specialist within the next two weeks, take a break from the tour at least until he'd seen the specialist, and to take it easy for the next couple of days. Deacon would have agreed to anything to get out of that room. He hated hospitals, always had. And poor Maddie was practically falling over on her feet, she was so exhausted.
Rayna took care of everything, as usual. She had a car waiting for them at the back entrance of the hospital once he was finally discharged that drove them back to the hotel. Luckily, the staff at the hotel was just as accommodating and let them in through the private back entrance to avoid the paparazzi camped out front. The three of them rode the elevator in silence to the penthouse floor, stepping out into Rayna's luxurious suite. Deacon had unsuccessfully tried to argue in the car on the way over that he was perfectly capable of sleeping in his original room on the 8th floor, but Maddie had batted those big brown eyes of hers and he'd caved instantly. So there he was there, standing in the penthouse, feeling awkward as hell. Maddie yawned and luckily, Rayna came to the rescue and spoke up. "Alright, I think it's time we all hit the sheets," she said. She put her hands on Maddie's shoulders. "You especially young lady," she said.
Maddie yawned again, nodding. She walked over to Deacon and hugged him. "'Night. I'm glad you're okay. Love ya," she said sleepily.
Deacon smiled as he hugged her back. "Love you, too. Sweet dreams, darlin'."
She turned back and gave Rayna and hug and said her good nights, then headed off down the hallway towards the bedrooms to turn in, leaving Rayna and Deacon alone with one another. "God, she's something else, isn't she?" Deacon said with a smile, shaking his head in awe.
Rayna smiled, nodding. "Yeah. She is. Most days I can't believe she's ours. That we actually made her. It's…unbelievable sometimes."
He shrugged. "Oh, I don't know about that. It wasn't all bad, was it, Ray? I mean, we had some pretty good times for a long time there," he said, remembering.
She nodded in agreement. "Yeah…yeah, we did."
They were both silent for a long moment after that, neither really wanting to move or break the moment. Then Rayna yawned and Deacon laughed. "Looks like Maddie's not the only one that's dead on her feet. Go to bed, Ray. You look beat."
She sighed. "Me? You're the one that just got out of the hospital," she reminded him. "Come on, your room's on the way anyhow," she said, gesturing for him to follow as she started down the hall that Maddie had disappeared down. She stopped when she saw his look. "What?"
"Just how many bedrooms does this place have?" he asked.
She smirked. "It's called a suite. And it has four."
He couldn't contain his laughter. "Seriously Rayna? What the hell do you need with four bedrooms in a hotel room? There's only you and Maddie."
She shrugged her shoulders. "It's private and it's roomy. I like it. And besides, you can't beat the view with a penthouse suite," she said.
He rolled his eyes. "Well, hell. When did you become such a diva?"
"Oh shut up," she said with a grin as she continued down the hall, tossing a glance over her shoulder to make sure he was following her, which he was. She stopped at one of the doors and opened it, leading him inside. The room was huge, at least twice the twice of his standard one a few floors down. Sitting on the bed was his guitar and bags—because of course she'd taken the liberty of calling ahead and having someone bring his things up from his room. That was Rayna. Always thinking of everything. Always taking charge. God, if it wasn't annoying. And damn if it wasn't sexy as hell. He tried to ignore the second and focus on the first.
"You got my things, I see," he said as he followed her into the room.
She nodded. "Figured it'd save you a trip downstairs. And since you're going to be staying up here with us this week, there really was no point—"
He held up his hand, stopping her right there. "Whoa—what? I agreed to stay tonight, Ray. That's it. One night. And that was just to appease Maddie."
"Deacon, you heard the doctor. You need to rest and take it easy the next couple of days. It'll be a heck of a lot easier to make sure you do that up here," she said.
He narrowed his eyes at her. "Rayna, I'm not your damn project or some bed-ridden invalid, for that matter. And in case you forgot, you have a tour to put on, remember?"
She bit her lip. "Yeah…about that…I cancelled Friday's show."
His eyes went wide. "You what?! Why in God's name did you go and do something like that?!" he demanded, looking at her like she'd lost her mind.
She sighed, wishing she hadn't brought it up. "Look, it's not that big of a deal. It's one show. I want to…be here, Deacon. I know you're too stubborn and proud to ask for help, but you've always been there for me, so it's my turn to be here for you."
He shook his head adamantly. "No. No way in hell. Call Bucky. Call the arena people, whoever the hell you have to—tell them the show's back on. You're not putting your life on hold for me, Rayna. Damn it, I didn't ask you to do that." He swore and ran a hand through his hair in frustration, worked up now.
She stalked over to him, not backing down for once. "I know you didn't ask me to. I did it because I want to. Because that's what people do for people they…care about, Deacon. And you can piss and moan and throw a fit all you want, but I'm not calling anyone. The show is cancelled. It's done. I'm not changing my mind. Get over it," she said, hands on her hands and daring him to challenge her.
He glared at her. "Damn it, you're impossible, Rayna," he told her.
She smirked. "Back at ya," she said flippantly and turned away, heading for the door. She stopped in the doorway and looked back at him. "I'm next door if you need anything. Good night, Deacon." With that, she shut the door behind her, leaving him to stew with his fury and the silence.
20 minutes later…
After a quick shower and change of clothes—not to mention a good, long cry—Rayna went to check on Maddie. She wasn't surprised to find her still awake, writing in her notebook. She was a lot like Deacon. She ruminated on things. "Hey sweet girl," she said as she walked over to the bed. "Can't sleep?" Maddie shook her head. Rayna sighed and climbed onto the bed next to her. "Want to talk about it?" she asked softly. Maddie just shrugged. Rayna smiled and glanced at the notebook. "How 'bout you put that away," she suggested, sliding under the covers and holding her arm out while Maddie put the book on the nightstand and turned off the light. "C'mere baby," Rayna said and surprisingly, Maddie didn't hesitate before snuggling up against Rayna, much like she used to do when she was little. Rayna tucked the covers around and laid her chin on top of Maddie's, sighing softly. "You can talk to me, you know. About anything. I'm your Mama, that's what I'm here for," she told her.
Maddie nodded, snuggling up closer. After a minute, she finally released the breath she'd been holding. "I'm worried about Deacon," she admitted. "I know he said he was okay, but I just—I've never seen him like that, you know? It was…really scary."
Rayna nodded. She knew exactly what Maddie meant. "I know, baby."
She heard a sniffle and pulled back to look down at Maddie. "Maddie? Sweetheart, what is it?"
Maddie was biting her lip, her eyes filled with tears. "I just—you'd tell me—if it was something bad, right? 'Cause I mean, you and Daddy said Grandpa was fine too and then he just died…and if Deacon's sick I want to know. I'm not a baby. I can take it, I just—I just have to know if—" she closed her eyes as the tears fell, shaking her head.
Rayna's heart broke as she tightened her hold on her sweet girl. In some ways she was so grown up and then in others, she was still that innocent little girl that Rayna wished she could lock away and protect forever. She held her for a long while, murmuring words of comfort and humming softly to her like she used to do when she little. Eventually Maddie's cries faded and her breathing relaxed as she fell into a restful sleep. Carefully, Rayna eased her way out of the bed, tucking the covers back around Maddie before leaving the room. As she walked past Deacon's room, she saw the light coming from the door, telling her he was still awake. Against her better judgment, she raised her hand and knocked softly before turning the knob and walking inside.
"Hey," Deacon said as Rayna walked made her way into the room, moving his guitar off his lap and laying it down on the bed next to him. "Everything alright?" he asked when she finally stepped into the light.
She nodded, biting her lip…though her body language screamed that it wasn't. Then she sighed and her shoulders slumped in defeat. "Actually, no. I just came from Maddie's room. She cried herself to sleep. She's scared to death that's something going to happen to you and frankly…so am I," she confessed, tears brimming in her eyes.
He swore under his breath. "Damn it, Rayna, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even said anything," he said, wishing he hadn't caved under her tears and kept what the doctors had told him to his damn self. At least then she wouldn't be standing in front of him like she was, a worried, crying wreck. She'd be blissfully unaware and things would have gone on just as they'd been. Nothing would have changed. Which is how it should have been.
She came forward and sat down next to him on the bed. "Deacon—that's not—I'm glad you told me," she said. "You shouldn't have to go through this alone," she said, reaching for his hands.
He evaded her reach and stood up, running his hands through his hair. "Damn it, Ray…that's just it. That's exactly what I deserve. Whatever this is—I did it to myself. All the drinking all those years—it finally caught up to me. Granted, I thought it'd be my liver that'd kick first and not my heart, but hey, what did I know, right? Either way—I've only got myself to blame here. Which means it's on me. Not you, Rayna."
She stood up, her features filled with stone-cold defiance. "That's not up to you, Deacon."
"The hell it's not," he shot back. "I don't want your help, Rayna. I don't need it…or you," he said, adding that last bit to be deliberately cruel. It was the only way to get his point across. And if pushing her away saved her from having to be dragged into his mess, then so be it. He'd put her through enough hell. He wasn't going to put her through more on account of him.
She narrowed her eyes at him as she took a step towards him…and then another. "It's not going to work, Deacon. Your words don't scare me because I know you don't mean them. Just like I know you think that if you try hard enough to hurt me, I'll back off and leave you alone. Well—" she was practically nose-to-nose with him at that point "it's not going to work. I'm not going anywhere," she said.
They stared each other down for a good, full minute or so, neither backing down nor giving in. Finally, he took a step back, before he did something he knew one or both of them would end up regretting later and breathed a ragged sigh as he headed back over to the bed and sat down, picking his guitar back up and placing it back in his lap. She bit back a smile. Deacon backing down from a fight. That was one for the books. As she watched his finger strum lightly on the guitar strings, she remembered something from earlier in the night.
Biting her lip, she walked back to the bed. "Hey Deacon…will you do something for me?" she asked him.
He sighed. "What now, Ray?"
She hesitated. "Will you play that song you performed at the Bluebird that night?"
His gaze lifted to hers and he searched her eyes. "I don't think that's a good idea, Ray."
"Why not?" she asked. "You wrote it for me to hear, didn't you?"
He sighed. "Yeah, but you never came, remember? You chose the other guy."
She bit her lip. "It wasn't that simple, Deacon. You know that."
He lifted a brow. "Love never is, Ray. Isn't that kind of the point?"
She sighed. "Deacon, I do love you. I always have. I'm sure I always will. It just—"
"Isn't enough?" he supplied for her.
Her eyes flared. "That's not fair."
He scoffed at that. "Yeah. Well neither is having to watch the only woman you've ever loved be with another man for 14 years and then having to stand by and watch her get engaged to someone else. But we all have our crosses to bear," he said.
She glared at him. "Really Deacon—of all the times to do this, you want to do this now?"
He shrugged. "Hey, I was minding my own business. You came in here…"
She muttered something very unladylike under her breath and stood up. "Fine. You want to do this…let's do this. You keep talking about what's fair…well how about we talk about the fact that you waited until the night Luke proposed to come to me with that ring and your proposal. That wasn't fair at all. Damn it Deacon. Do you know how long I waited to hear those words from you? How badly I wanted to hear you say them?" she asked him. "All I ever wanted was to be your wife. For us to be a family. And then we had the accident and it was like—like history was repeating itself all over again and I felt like—like we were always going to be stuck in this vicious circle of repeating drama and hurt and grief. I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed time…and so did you. We both needed to heal. And we did that," she said, then sighed. "And then I found Luke. And you were with Megan. I thought we were both moving on. I thought that's what we both agreed to. What we both wanted."
Deacon swore. "I know, Rayna. I get it. I don't need a play by play. But damn it, I thought I had time. I didn't think you'd go and marry the guy in six months!"
"Time for what, Deacon? What were you waiting for?" she asked, exasperated.
"To process everything—to I don't know, make something of myself. Hell, Rayna, I had to at least prove that I was worth you giving me another chance!" he said, his voice strained. As soon as the words were out, he regretted them, realizing immediately that he'd been far too honest and told her far more than he'd ever intended to tell her. A man had his pride, after all…and he'd just laid his bare. He ran a hand over his face, feeling like his emotions had been stripped raw. He felt vulnerable and exposed…and it wasn't a good feeling. At all. It took him a minute, but he finally gathered what little dignity and humility he could muster and forced himself to turn and face her. The tears streaming down her face, the softness in her features, the stark pity he saw reflected in her eyes…it was nearly his undoing.
"Oh Babe…" she whispered, reaching for him.
He evaded her touch, stepping back as if her touch might burn him. "Don't Ray," he said, his voice sounding rough and gritty, even to him. "Save your pity. I don't want it," he said.
She shook her head. "I don't pity you, Deacon," she said softly. "If anything, it's shame…for whatever I did to make you think you weren't good enough…that you felt you had to prove anything to me," she whispered brokenly. "Because you didn't. You don't."
He scoffed, shaking his head. "Are you kidding me, Rayna? Of course I did. I destroyed so much and hurt so many people. You, most of all. I broke your heart in every way a man possibly could…when all you ever tried to do was help me. I wrecked you and all the dreams you had. I wrecked us. I destroyed the one chance we ever had at being a real family—at raising our little girl up together. Hell, I nearly killed you because I wasn't strong enough to beat my addictions. I'd say that I had a hell of a lot to prove," he said bitterly.
She shook her head. "You're wrong, Deacon. You were strong enough and you did beat them. You got sober by yourself—and stayed sober—for thirteen years. That says more about your strength and your character than you could possibly ever know. And yeah, you slipped. You did. But you also just had your whole world turned inside out…and that was on me. I should have told you about Maddie sooner. At the very least, it should have come from me. I owed you that much. If I had, maybe things would have gone much differently than they did. I don't know. All I do know is that I don't need you to prove to me that you've changed because I already know that you have. I've seen it, Deacon. I've seen it in the way you've been the past 14 years, the way you've struggled and fought to get to where you are. And I've seen it in the way you are with our daughter. You're an amazing father, Deacon and Maddie adores you. You're a good man, Deacon. Don't think for even a second that you're not," she told him firmly as she closed the distance between them and before he could react, leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to his mouth.
It was intended merely as a gentle, comforting kiss…but that rarely ever remained the case with the two of them. Later, neither would know who made the first move…but then again, neither would care. Her hands went up to thread through the hair at the nape of his neck as his cupped the back of her head, angling her mouth for better access as he deepened the kiss. One of them moaned, or both—she wasn't sure. Neither he was. In the back of her mind, she was telling herself that she was asking for trouble every second she let the kiss continue. She was an engaged woman for Chris sakes! And that man's ring was on one of the fingers currently sliding through Deacon's hair. It was wrong, so wrong. For so many reasons. But God help her, it felt right. So right.
When they broke for air many long moments later, Deacon set her back a ways from him. His breathing was labored…not unlike hers and he was shaking his head. "Shit. That—shouldn't have happened," he managed. "I wasn't thinking. Sorry."
She lifted a brow. "Why are you sorry? I kissed you," she said.
He hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah…why'd you do that by the way?" he asked.
She bit her lip and shrugged. "I don't know…I just, felt like it," she said simply.
He grunted in response. "Yeah well, next time control your urges, would ya?" he asked. "You're engaged Rayna. Remember?"
She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Of course I remember," she said.
"And yet you're going around kissing other men," he stated.
She muttered a curse under her breath. "Oh give it a rest, Deacon. You're not "other men". You're different."
"Different how?" he asked.
"Just…different," she said, turning away.
He swore, his hand reaching out and latching around her wrist, pulling her back and crushing her against his chest. "Not a chance, Ray. You started this. Finish it," he said through gritted teeth.
She lifted her gaze, meeting his, her blue eyes staring determinedly into his, unwaveringly. Finally, she blinked. "What do you want from me, Deacon?"
"The truth would be nice," he said gruffly.
Her bottom lip trembled and she bit down to stop it. "The truth…the truth is, I don't know what I want, Deacon. Or what I'm supposed to want. I love Luke—I do. He's a good man and he'll be a good husband. But—" she lowered her gaze.
"But what Rayna?" he asked, lifting her chin with his finger so she had no choice but to look at him.
Tears pooled in her eyes again and she couldn't have stopped them if she tried. Her heart was full—too full. Overflowing with words and emotions that she'd held back for so long. Things that she'd wanted, craved, but knew she couldn't have. "But I want you, too," she said, the words spilling out breathlessly. "It's like I can't get you…out of my system…or something. And I've tried. God, I've tried so damn hard. And I don't understand it, Deacon. All these years. It shouldn't be like this. It doesn't make any damn sense. And why the hell are you smiling?" she asked, hitting at his chest with her closed fist.
His hold on her loosened as his features softened. "Because you're trying to fight a battle that you're just never gonna win, Ray. Trust me, I've been there. And I'm smiling 'cause you're sexy as hell when you're frustrated," he said, smirking.
Her eyes flared, but whatever she was about to say never made it past her lips, for his mouth descended just then and captured hers, taking her on a sweet, sweet journey of slow surrender. When the kiss ended minutes later, neither made a move to break the embrace. Rather, Rayna reached up and linked her arms around Deacon's neck, burying her face in the curve there. She didn't speak and neither did he. Probably because neither knew what to say. One kiss didn't change everything…it wasn't a solution. There were decisions to be made. Big decisions. Lives would be changed. Hearts would be broken. People were going to be hurt. It wasn't something either of them wanted to worry about right then. For the moment, however brief it might be, they were together. Deacon was okay—relatively speaking—they'd finally talked after months of avoiding each other and sparing glances in each other's direction, and all was right with the world…for the moment. Tomorrow, they knew, would be another story. But that was tomorrow.
After a while, Deacon sighed and shifted his feet. "As much as I'd love to stand here all night like this with you, Ray. It's pretty late. Maybe we should turn in," he suggested.
She lifted her head, nodding as she stepped out of his arms, feeling the loss of his warmth immediately. She was pretty exhausted. It'd been a long day. Not to mention an emotional one, thanks to the latter half of it. She bit her lip as she glanced at the door and then at the bed, conflicted. The thought of sleeping alone in the bed next door suddenly seemed very unappealing. "Maybe I should just sleep in here, you know…in case you need anything or…something…" she said, her voice trailing.
He smirked. "Liar. You just want to sleep with me, Rayna Jaymes. Admit it," he said, teasing her.
She pursed her lips at him, then shrugged. "On second thought, you're on your own," she shot back and started towards the door. She barely made it two steps before he'd grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back. She shrieked, then covered her mouth with her own hand, remembering Maddie. That was the last thing she needed—for Maddie to walk in on her and Deacon acting like complete idiots. She'd have questions for sure that neither she nor Deacon were quite ready to answer.
"Stay," he said, meeting her eyes as he righted her.
She bit her lip, nodding. "Just to sleep, right?"
He nodded in agreement and she was relieved. At least they were on the same page there. While it would be so easy to throw caution to the wind and act on their desires—which were so very apparent—they both knew it would just complicate things further, and she didn't want that—and clearly, neither did he. Knowing that, she was glad. "Just to sleep, Ray." He let her go and they headed towards the bed. After putting away his guitar and shutting off the light, he joined her in the bed, slipping under the covers. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, he reached for her and she went into his arms, her head tucking into the curve of his shoulder, her leg slipping between his.
Unable to stop herself, her fingertip reached out and traced his jawline and the rough stubble there. She heard him sigh and reach up, closing his palm over her hand on his cheek. "Rayna…"
"I need you to promise me something, Deacon…" she whispered softly in the darkness.
"Anything, babe," was his simple reply.
"Promise me…that you're gonna be here to see our girl grow up. That you'll be there to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. And fight with me about spoiling our grandbabies. Even if it's not, I need you to tell me it's gonna be okay…" she pleaded with him, a sob catching in her throat as she thought of everything she—they—had to lose.
He swore and shifted so that he was propped on his elbow, leaning over her. He pushed her hair behind her ear, his hand cupping the side of her face as he looked down at her. "Ray…I'm not going anywhere," he told her before he leaning down and kissing her softly on the mouth. "Sleep, babe, I'm right here," he said as he settled back into his position again and she cuddled in closer to him, almost as if she couldn't get close enough.
He didn't know how much time passed before she eventually gave in and fell asleep, relaxing in his arms as her breathing evened out and the fingers that were clutching his t-shirt relaxed.
He watched her sleep for a long while, just staring at her…loving her…wondering not for the first time how he'd ever gotten so damn lucky to have found a woman like her. She was so damn beautiful, inside and out. And she was his.
They hadn't come to any terms or made any decisions, but he knew that she wasn't going to be walking down that aisle towards Luke Wheeler come December. He couldn't say how he knew…he just knew. It was like she'd said. They were in each other's blood…part of one another's souls. Without the other, there would always be that missing piece. He knew it, and she did, too.
He knew it was only a matter of time before she accepted it. Admitted it. And when she did…he'd be there. Waiting. Come hell or high water, heart condition or not…he wasn't going anywhere.
