Muhammad Sulaiman Rashid

The Stoning of Haruhi Suzumiya

I was lying in bed, thinking of Miss Asahina as usual, when suddenly my phone started ringing.

"Kyoooooon…" cried a voice that sounded like a kitten. "Something really bad has happened."

It was none other than Miss Asahina herself! Even when she was suffering, she still sounded adorable. Who was making her cry? I would find them and make them pay!

"Miss Asahina, are you alright?" I asked.

"Come quick… it's an emergency. Meet me at my house," she said. She hung up.

How could I turn down a request like that? I got on my bike and met up with her as soon as I could.

I knocked on her door. Miss Asahina answered it.

"Sorry to call you at such a late hour," she said.

For some strange reason Miss Asahina was dressed in her red bunny girl outfit. I thought it was odd, but hey, who was I to complain? She looked like a goddess.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"This is… kind of embarrassing," said Miss Asahina. "But you're the only person I could trust. I wanted to see a doctor, but I couldn't because of classified information."

"Woah, hang on there, what's the problem?" I asked.

"Kyon… I think there's a strange lump in breasts," said Miss Asahina. "Would you mind checking them for me?"

No way! This was too good to be true. Miss Asahina inviting me to her home in the middle of the night, asking me to feel her boobs in that red bunny girl outfit? I couldn't say no. I tried my best not to seem like a pervert.

"Okay," I said.

She pulled down the front of her top. I looked down at her boobs and began feeling them. They were even more perfect than I could have ever imagined! I was having the time of my life, when suddenly, she said something in a voice that was totally different.

"What are you doing, stupid!?"

Miss Asahina had become Haruhi!

I screamed and recoiled in terror. And that's when I woke up.

My phone was ringing. I checked the caller ID. Of course, it was Haruhi.

"Hey Kyon, why weren't you answering your phone?" asked Haruhi. "I'm going to have to give you a penalty."

"What are you talking about? It's 11 pm," I said.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Show up at Yuki's house, alright? Don't be late!" She hung up.

Don't be late? Didn't she already say she was going to give me a penalty? Understanding that girl was impossible. Nevertheless, I got on my bike and left for what felt like the second time that night.

"Hey Kyon, glad you could make it," said Haruhi. "For a second I thought you'd be off in dreamland forever."

I wish I could have been. Not only was Haruhi there, but so was Koizumi. He was cheerful as usual, even at this late hour. How annoying. Standing next to him was Nagato, indifferent as ever, and of course, the wonderful Miss Asahina. Her being here alone made the trip worth it. It was a shame she wasn't wearing her bunny girl outfit.

"What was so important that it couldn't wait until tomorrow?" I asked.

"Why are you complaining? It's summer vacation! It's not like you had anything better to do," said Haruhi. "Besides, this is our last summer together. We should make the most of every second."

"Just try to think of it as a slumber party," said Koizumi.

The only slumber party I was interested in having was one where me and Miss Asahina were the only ones invited.

"Anyway, take a look at what I found!" said Haruhi, holding out a plastic bag full of herbs. "It's weed!"

"What are you, crazy!?" I said. "Don't you know that stuff's illegal?"

"Of course. I'm not stupid," said Haruhi. "But I don't know if I can say the same about you. So try and keep your mouth shut, okay?"

This girl was going to get us all thrown in jail.

"So why did you get that weed, Miss Suzumiya?" asked Koizumi.

"I'm glad you asked," said Haruhi. "As you all know, the SOS Brigade is all about getting in touch with aliens and the supernatural. I figured if we all got stoned, we might be able to contact with spirits."

If she wanted to do that she should've just dropped acid.

"I think getting stoned is a great idea," said Koizumi. "But why did we come to Miss Nagato's place to do it?"

"I volunteered," said Nagato.

Huh? Nagato volunteered for this nonsense?

"Yeah. When I first pitched the idea to Yuki, she said we could do it at her place since none of her parents are around," said Haruhi. "This way, even if we get blazed out of our minds, we won't get in any trouble."

"Nuh uh. There's no way I'm having any part of this," I said.

"Maybe you'll change your mind after seeing one of us get high," said Haruhi. "Come on, Mikuru, open up!"

"W-What?" said Miss Asahina. "I don't really want to…"

"Oh come on, quit being such a baby," said Haruhi. "I read online that weed is totally harmless."

Haruhi began manhandling Miss Asahina and trying to force her mouth open. How dare she try to force her to do illegal drugs!

"May I make a suggestion?" said Koizumi. "I don't think you can get high just by eating weed just like that. We're going to need a way to smoke it."

Why was Koizumi enabling her? Was he actually enjoying this nonsense?

"Oh, I get it," said Haruhi. "We need a bong, or something like that, right?"

"Yeah. There are many ways to smoke weed," said Koizumi. "In fact, some of them don't involve smoking at all."

Since when was Koizumi such an expert on getting stoned?

"Okay, I'll find a way to get us a bong," said Haruhi. "I'll call you guys when I come up with something. That's it! Meeting dismissed."

Everyone left before me. That's when I remembered to ask Nagato something.

"Hey Nagato, why did you volunteer your place to let Haruhi smoke weed at?"

"My place was the safest location," said Nagato. "If Miss Suzumiya smoked anywhere else, she ran the risk of being caught. If Miss Suzmiya went to jail, it could have disastrous consequences for this world."

So Nagato was sane after all… I was starting to worry that me and Miss Asahina were the only ones with our heads screwed on right.

I had barely gotten a couple of hours of sleep when Haruhi called us the next morning.

"I found a guy who'll give us a bong! Meet me in Roppongi, okay? Don't be late!"

Roppongi? What kind of shady business was Haruhi getting us into? I guess during the daytime it was innocent enough… but at night, people would get into all sorts of trouble. From what I heard, it wasn't uncommon to go to a Nigerian bar and then get drugged up and robbed. Not to mention that up until recently, Yakuza ran most of the clubs.

But, there was no arguing with Haruhi. At least it was the daytime. If she was going to make us take the train though, I really wish she would offer to pay for our fare. Hanging out with Haruhi always took a toll on my wallet.

"Hey Kyon, you're late!" said Haruhi. "I'm gonna have to give you a penalty."

I sighed. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"You'll see! Just follow me," said Haruhi.

All the bars and clubs looked dead during the day. But the building Haruhi took us to was even plainer. In fact, I might not have noticed it at all if she hadn't stopped when we got there.

"Alright you guys, this is it! Let's go inside!" said Haruhi.

I couldn't even tell what kind of business this place was, or if it was running at all. It seemed to be some kind of convenience store. The guy at the register was wearing black sunglasses and has a sleazy gelled back haircut.

"Alright, so what do we have here?" said the creep. "Oh wow, is this the girl? She's even prettier than I thought!"

Wait. Was he referring to Miss Asahina!? What was Haruhi forcing her to do this time? If it was anything unsavory, I would teach her a lesson!

"Alright Mikuru, are you ready? You have to put on these boy shorts and this t-shirt and take pictures while smoking a bong," said Haruhi.

"W-What?" whimpered Miss Asahina. "I don't want to. What if people find out that it's me?"

"No, don't worry, these pictures aren't going to be displayed in public!" said the creep. "These are more for people's… personal use. That's right. Heh heh."

"You heard the man, c'mon now Mikuru, dress up!" said Haruhi.

Koizumi handed Haruhi a backpack he had been carrying. Haruhi dragged Miss Asahina into a room to force her to change, as she always did. She was really asking for a piece of my mind.

When Miss Asahina came out though, she was stunning! So casual, yet so sexy! It almost made me forget about the tears pouring down her cheeks.

"Oh, don't cry, Mikuru, you look great!" said Haruhi. "Actually, it might help if your eyes were bloodshot. Maybe you should rub some hot water on them."

"O-Okay," said Miss Asahina.

They left to the bathroom, and when they came out, they began taking the pictures. Miss Asahina stood with the bong in both her hands, inhaling, looking straight into the camera. I wondered if I could get copies of these…

After they shot a few more poses, the creep in sunglasses gave us the bong and let us leave.

"Thanks so much!" said the creep. "If you ever need anything else, let me know! I'm sure we can work something out."

"Yeah, no problem!" said Haruhi. "Take care!"

After we left, we went back to Nagato's place to get high. We all sat in a circle around the table as Koizumi prepared the bong. All his knowledge and skills regarding weed made me wonder if he was always so relaxed because he was always stoned. Haruhi was the first one to try the bong out.

"The hole at the top is called the inhale hole. Put your lips in the opening, not over," said Koizumi. "When you inhale it, hold your breath for a while before you exhale it."

There went Koizumi again, with his long-winded explanations. We all passed the bong around, and then it got to Miss Asahina. She didn't want to try it. So of course, Haruhi tried to force her.

"Hey, what's the matter with you?" said Haruhi. "Don't you want to talk to spirits?"

"It's not that… it's just that… I don't want to smoke weed," said Miss Asahina.

"Just try it!" said Haruhi.

"I don't want to," she whimpered.

Haruhi tried to force the bong to her mouth, but she wouldn't inhale. So Haruhi took a hit from the bong, tickled Miss Asahina, and then kissed her to blow the smoke down her throat. Why couldn't we be taking pictures now?

"What are you thinking about!?" asked Haruhi, suddenly snapping to look at me.

I was too high to care.

"I feel like Shinji after he passed out in that grassy field," I said.

"Oh Kyon, you and your weird jokes," said Haruhi.

"Yeah, they're not anywhere near as good as my jokes," said Koizumi.

Huh? Did Koizumi just insult me? It was hard to tell because he always said everything with that cheerful delivery.

"I don't know, I kind of like his weird jokes," said Haruhi.

I think Koizumi glared at me.

All of a sudden I heard the feedback from Nagato plugging her guitar into an amplifier. She sat down and started playing the blues.

"Wow Yuki, that's really good," said Haruhi. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You did help me blow everyone away that one time."

"The blues actually has a really interesting history," said Koizumi. "It developed in America to express the sadness of black Americans back then."

"Oh Koizumi, who cares about that stuff?" said Haruhi. "We're getting stoned, I didn't ask for a history lesson."

"I think I'd like to smoke some weed now," said Miss Asahina.

Oh no. Haruhi had corrupted her!

"Alright Mikuru, now that's what I'm talking about!" said Haruhi. "C'mon everybody, let's reach for the stars!"

After Miss Asahina smoked, we all got even higher and sat around doing nothing for about ten minutes. Then all of a sudden, Nagato stopped playing her guitar and got up.

"Huh? What's the matter, Nagato? Are you alright?" I asked.

"Yes. I was just thinking that maybe we could buy some ramen," said Nagato.

"That sounds like a great idea," said Koizumi.

"Yeah," said Haruhi. "Just tell Kyon. He'll go get it for you."

There she went again. Always trying to pass off everything for me to do.

"I can go get it for you, Miss Suzumiya," said Koizumi.

"That's alright, I can get it myself," said Nagato.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Nagato?" I asked. "Are you sure you're not too stoned?"

"Yes," said Nagato.

She walked into the door and hit it with her forehead. She fell backwards and landed on her rear end.

"Look at what you made her do, Kyon!" said Haruhi. "Next time just listen to me."

"I'm fine," said Nagato. She mumbled something quickly to herself and then left.

"You know, to be honest, I'm a little disappointed," said Haruhi. "Being stoned is fun and all, but I don't hear any ghosts."

"Maybe that's because you're a total amateur," I said.

"What did you say!?" said Haruhi.

"I said that you're an amateur," I laughed smugly. "When I was a kid, I found way more ghosts than you did."

"What are you talking about?" said Haruhi. "Everyone knows you're totally boring, Kyon. If you think you can make fun of me, you've got another thing coming."

"No, I'm serious," I said. "When I was younger, I went looking for ghosts all the time!"

"Really?" said Haruhi. "No way. I don't believe you."

"Fine then, I'll tell you a story," I said. "When I was in middle school, I went searching for spirits. I bought a whole bunch of wards from a shrine and stuck them on houses all around my neighborhood. I thought if I scared them all off, they would have to come to my place."

"And did they?" asked Haruhi.

"They did," I said. "When I went home, my TV turned on by itself. And then the lights started going haywire. And then I noticed all my books were in a completely different order. The ghosts were trying to send me a message."

"Wow, what did they say?" asked Haruhi.

"They were saying "Algebra I – English and Physical Sciences," I said. "I haven't figured out what they meant yet, but I will someday."

"And I'll help you!" said Haruhi. "Wow Kyon, you were totally cool back then."

"But he's totally lame now," said Koizumi. "I'm only kidding, of course."

Koizumi was acting weird. Even for Koizumi.

Nagato opened the door. She had come back with ramen. And soda. And a bunch of other things. She set them down on the kitchen countertop and began boiling the water. Afterwards she mumbled something to herself, and her eyelids got heavy. Was she controlling when she was stoned and sober using her magic?

"Uh, I don't feel so good," said Miss Asahina. "I kind of feel like I'm gonna…"

And then she vomited all over the table.

"Oh Mikuru, gross!" said Haruhi. "What a mess. Clean this up!"

"Hold on a second, you don't make the person who just got sick clean up their own vomit!" I said.

"Of course you do! Vomiting on somebody's table is totally impolite!" said Haruhi.

"And what would you know about being polite?" I yelled. "You just like to abuse Miss Asahina."

"Why do you care so much?" yelled Haruhi back at me. "You act like you're in love with her!"

"And what if I am!?" I said.

Haruhi gasped. "Well then… well then… ugh!"

Haruhi got up and stormed out, slamming the door.

"Now you've done it," said Koizumi. "Honestly Kyon, I don't get you. When a girl like Miss Suzumiya throws herself at you, you shouldn't turn her down. Aren't you surprised that anybody likes you at all?"

What did he just say?

"I'm only kidding, of course," said Koizumi.

"Don't worry, I'll clean it up," said Nagato.

She walked towards the table but tripped and fell in the vomit.

"I'm so sorry, everybody," said Miss Asahina.

"Don't worry about it," I said.

I helped clean up the vomit, and Nagato's face, and left.

When I got home, it was late, but my sister was still up watching TV.

"Hey Kyon, welcome back!" she said. "Are you done playing ghost hunter with your friends?"

"Yeah, I'm done," I said.

"Did you find anything?" she asked.

"No," I said.

"Aww," she said.

"It's late, turn off the TV and go to bed," I said.

I walked upstairs, took a shower, and went to sleep.

The next morning my phone rang again. I expected it to be Haruhi, but actually, it was Koizumi.

"Kyon, come quick. It's an emergency," he said. "Meet me at the usual place."

When I stepped outside of my house, the sky was bending. It was undulating like it was an ocean. Every once in a while it would flicker green or yellow.

I left as fast as I could. I went to the park bench where we all met when Haruhi had us trapped in a time loop. When I got there, Nagato and Miss Asahina were sitting next to Koizumi too.

"We're short on time, so I'll cut to the chase," said Koizumi. "Kyon, this is bad. My organization has encountered the worst Closed Space of all time."

"This is because of yesterday, isn't it?" I asked.

"Most likely, yes," said Koizumi. "This Closed Space is different than the rest. Whenever members of my organization try to enter it, they become slow and unresponsive. It's almost like they're getting stoned."

"Like they're getting stoned?" I said. "That's crazy."

"It is," said Koizumi. "It may be because Miss Suzumiya got high yesterday. Whatever the reason is, it's bad."

"It's really bad," said Miss Asahina, almost crying. "I tried to go back to the future last night, but I couldn't because it didn't exist anymore."

"My superiors are worried too," said Nagato. "And they agree that only one solution exists."

"Kyon, you have to go find and talk to Miss Suzumiya to try and calm her down," said Koizumi.

"Why do I always have to be the one to talk to her?" I asked. "Why can't you do it, Koizumi?"

"Believe me, I tried," said Koizumi. "But Miss Suzumiya doesn't always answer my phone calls. Or return my texts."

"So it's up to me again, huh?" I said, sighing. I pulled out my phone and called Haruhi. But she didn't pick up. "She's not answering."

"This is bad. Really bad," said Koizumi. "She's probably at some place that's special to her. When people are under a lot of stress, they usually go somewhere that's familiar to give them comfort. Can you think of a place like that that Miss Suzumiya might go to?"

I had one idea.

"Yeah, I'll go check it out," I said.

I took my bike and left to the middle school that Haruhi went to. Sure enough, she was sitting in the spot by the symbols we drew to attract aliens.

"What do you want?" asked Haruhi.

Haruhi was smoking a joint. I got angry.

"Haruhi, what are you doing!?" I said. "If you smoke in public, especially in broad daylight like this, you're going to get arrested!"

"If you're going to yell at me again, you might as well just leave," said Haruhi. "Besides, if I went to jail, maybe then you and Mikuru could leave happily ever after."

I didn't know what to say. So I took a moment to think and then sat down next to her. I grabbed the joint out of Haruhi's hand and stepped on it.

"Hey!" said Haruhi. "You can't just go around taking my things!"

"I don't want to live happily ever after with Miss Asahina," I said. "And I'm sorry, Haruhi, I overreacted."

"I don't get it, why are you always defending her?" said Haruhi. "This is the second time you do something like this!"

"Believe it or not, Haruhi, sometimes you're out of line," I said.

"I wasn't out of line, stupid, I was just high!" said Haruhi.

Oh. Maybe she was right. I had totally forgotten.

"I was high too," I said. "So let's just forget about it. What do you say? Sound good?"

"Alright, I guess," said Haruhi.

But she still didn't get up. She just looked straight into the distance with her head in her hands.

"Is something else on your mind, Haruhi?" I asked.

"Well," she said. "It's just that… the SOS Brigade has existed for years now… and we still haven't found any time travelers, or aliens, or ESPers, or anything like that. And this is our last summer together."

"Hold on a second, Haruhi, that's not true," I said. "This isn't our last summer together. Koizumi and the gang told me they're applying to the same colleges that you are."

"Really?" asked Haruhi. "But what about you?"

But what about me?

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, are you going to go to the same college that I am, too?" asked Haruhi.

"I don't know, is that important to you?" I asked.

Haruhi glared at me.

"Don't ask me stupid questions, Kyon!" she said. "Why haven't you ever left the SOS Brigade?"

What was she going on about?

"I didn't know that I had a choice," I said.

But I knew that wasn't true.

"So all this time… you've never felt anything for me?" asked Haruhi.

And as soon as she said it, she looked away from me and didn't say a word.

"Haruhi, I…"

I tried to think of an answer. But everytime it came to me, I tried to push it out of my mind. It was like how in my dreams I kept seeing Miss Asahina in her bunny girl outfit, and how she would keep turning into Haruhi.

"You know, I feel really stupid," said Haruhi, her voice shaking. "Just leave me alone, alright?"

"No, I'm not going to leave you alone," said Kyon. "Because Haruhi… the truth is… the truth is…"

Damn it! I couldn't believe that I was going to have to say this.

"Haruhi, the truth is, that I like you," I said.

"Stop messing with me, Kyon," said Haruhi. "I don't know why you're always making fun of me."

"I'm not," I said. "Haruhi, I stayed in the SOS Brigade because I liked you. And what I liked about you the most was… how you were always searching for the supernatural."

"Nice try," said Haruhi. "We all know how you think that stuff is stupid and boring. You're always complaining about it."

"Not when I was younger," I said. "When I was growing up, I was obsessed with aliens, time travelers, and all kinds of those things. But as I got older, I started thinking that stuff was stupid and for kids. I don't know what happened to me, but it seemed like the world just got a little darker. But when I met you… I don't know, it just made me a little happy, somehow."

Even though I never admitted it.

"You really mean it?" said Haruhi.

She turned to me with tears in her eyes. I wiped them away and hugged her.

"Yeah, I mean it," I said. "I really do like you, Haruhi, I do."

And then Haruhi kissed me. I don't know why it surprised me. She always did like to take the initiative.

"Then let's go on a date tomorrow," she said, smiling. "You're paying, of course."

I smiled. Of course I was.

"I'm so glad you're my boyfriend now," said Haruhi. "Now you can stop pretending to get mad at me!"

What? How did I go from taking her on a date to being her boyfriend in a few sentences?

"Haruhi, when I get mad at you, that's for real," I said. "Just because I'm your boyfriend now doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to correct you."

Haruhi was taken aback. But then she smiled.

"Well, I guess it's for the best," she said. "I'm not interested in any ordinary boyfriend."

Then she got up. I did too.

"And Haruhi, don't worry," I said. "When we go to college, I'll help you make the biggest SOS Brigade yet. With more people, we're bound to find something, for sure!"

"I'm counting on you!" said Haruhi. "C'mon, let's go!"

She grabbed my hand, and then off we ran into our next adventure.