DAD
By kellyofsmeg
Summary: With the release of the real episode finally approaching this October, I have made my own version of the events that happened between Red Dwarf Series II and Series III, including Lister's pregnancy, finding Kryten crashed on the asteroid, Holly's sex change operation, the three days spent with Jim and Bexley, and their return to their universe. This story picks up right where Parallel Universe left off.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Red Dwarf is owned and created by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor of Grant Naylor productions, not me.
Spoilers: Future Echoes, Parallel Universe, Backwards
RED DWARF MEDICAL BAY
Day 1, Part 1
"I'm going to be an uncle," said Rimmer straightening up and glancing over at Lister. He wished he had a camera. Lister's eyes had snapped open, and his mouth was hanging open in a comical fashion, taken aback. He remained that way for several moments as the news sank into his deadened brain.
"No," he said, shaking his head vigorously as though to shake off the unwanted news. "It's not smegging possible…"
"Oh, but it is," said Rimmer complacently. "Have a look for yourself."
Lister edged toward the table and snatched the test from the bench. He stared down at the tiny strip of plastic that displayed two red bars. The undeniable truth. He briefly wondered if the two red bars were meant to represent twins.
"It's not right. It's got to be wrong. Holly put you up to this, didn't he? Another one of his early April fools jokes…" He checked the results code on the back of the box again, comparing the red on the test to the red displayed on the box. They were a perfect match.
Lister looked at the Cat and then at Rimmer for reassurance that didn't come.
"These things don't lie, Listy," said Rimmer cheerfully.
"Yeah, but you do," said Lister.
"It's pointless trying to reason, Listy," said Rimmer. "You've already tried preventing what we saw in those future echoes. Trying to avert what we saw happening was like trying to tell a telemarketer that you're not interested in buying their hyper-suck aquatic vacuum. Remember when we knew the Cat was going to break his tooth, and you tried to prevent it by stopping him eating your robot goldfish and he ended up breaking his tooth anyway? Well, this is the same thing and this is certainly happening. We saw the babies. You didn't look much older than you do now. But don't worry, old boy, you obviously got through it alive. Uncle Arnie will find out about the whole process so that he can tell you all of the wonderful, not remotely painful or uncomfortable experiences that you have in store. Besides, somebody will have to teach the kids how to be successful. And their only hope is me. The only thing they'll learn from their dear old mum is how to get completely drunk in under two minutes and how to keep a cigarette in your ear without it slipping into your brain."
"Smeg off, Rimmer," said Lister morosely. He covered his eyes with one hand, as if trying to make them all disappear. "This is the last thing I need. I thought for sure I'd be impregnable no matter where I went. Is there any chance the results could have been a false positive?"
"No," said Rimmer brightly. "The box says that this particular pregnancy test is ninety-nine point nine percent accurate."
"Oh," said Lister hopefully. "So that means that there's a point one percent chance that the results are wrong, then?"
"Not exactly," said Holly. "The only reason that they didn't print one-hundred percent accuracy rating on the box is just as a precaution, so the company can't have a lawsuit filed against them if some twit doesn't follow the directions correctly and gets the wrong results."
"And you followed all the directions correctly," said Rimmer. "That's a miracle in itself."
"I'll can teach them some fashion sense!" said the Cat grinning broadly. "With you as their parents, they'll need some serious help!"
"Don't you think it's funny," said Rimmer thoughtfully. "That for years women have been complaining that they wished a man could know what it's like being pregnant. When it finally happens to a man, there's no women around to witness it. It's quite ironic, actually."
"We're behind you on this one-hundred percent, Dave," said Holly. "Unless you expect us to feel sympathy pains."
"Yeah!" said the Cat enthusiastically. "This is a really great thing you're doing, buddy! Personally, I would never sacrifice my beautiful body for something like this, but it suits you perfectly! I mean, what have you got to lose, your good looks?" The Cat and Rimmer guffawed loudly.
"When should I schedule in your first remedial Lamaze class?" asked Rimmer.
"Shut up!" yelled Lister, sick of having to listen to all of their side comments.
"Yes," said Rimmer. "You shouldn't notice much of a change at all. You can really grow from this situation, in more ways than one. We probably won't even be able to see any difference in you're appearance for quite awhile. Just think of all the things you have to look forward to—morning sickness, mood swings, insomnia, stretch marks—an overall wonderful experience all around."
"You guys aren't helping," said Lister, as he turned on his heel and started to head out of the medibay.
"Where are you going?" asked Rimmer.
"To my bunk. I need to be on me own to think a bit," Lister mumbled.
"Well I guess there's a first for everything. Oh, I just wanted to make a memo for future reference—will you be celebrating mother's day, father's day, or both?"
Lister's retreating form put his middle finger up in the air as he slouched off down the corridor.
"You have no one to blame but yourself!" Rimmer called after him, before he turned to the Cat and said pleasantly, "Well, I think he's taking it rather well."
"Maybe for now," said Holly. "But I just remembered something I meant to tell him but somehow forgot."
"No surprise there," said Rimmer superiorly, feeling that nothing could dampen his pleasant mood. "And what would that be, Holly?"
"Well," Holly explained. "There may be some complications with the pregnancy. The twins were conceived in a parallel universe where physical laws are different. For example, in that universe, Dave was able to become pregnant, where here, that would be physically impossible. Since he's no longer in their universe, his body will no longer sustain the pregnancy naturally. It will recognize the blastocysts as a foreign body and abort them."
"Well, what can we do about it?" asked Rimmer, alarmed.
"His body will have stopped producing the hormones needed to maintain the pregnancy," said Holly. "He'll have to take hormone inoculations if he wishes to continue with it."
"Hormones?" repeated Rimmer, his hologramatic eyebrows colliding in the middle of his brow. "What kind of hormones?"
"Estrogen, mainly," said Holly.
"Estrogen?" Rimmer repeated. "As in female hormones?"
"No, as in that leading brand of hemorrhoid cream," said Holly sarcastically. "Gordon Bennett, of course I'm talking about the female ones. He'll get some progesterone as well. Awful insulting to your manhood, isn't it? Almost as much as receiving Good Housekeeping magazine every month or being forced to sit through a ballet."
"How much will he need?" asked Rimmer curiously.
"About the same amount that you'd have to take before a sex change operation," said Holly, a strange look in his eyes. "I've worked it all out."
"Well, we'll have to act very soon," said Rimmer gleefully. "Who wants to break another piece of magnificent news to Listy?"
"I will," the Cat volunteered.
"Break it to him easily," Rimmer advised. "This whole thing is a very sensitive, delicate manner. As much as I'd love to do it myself, but I have some rather important business to conduct."
The Cat grinned. "I can tell this is gonna be fun. I've gotta go now," he said.
"Where to?" asked Rimmer.
"Hey, it's been three hours since I last moisturized my cuticles. If I don't do it again soon, my nail beds might look like yours. And I'm a Cat. I get uncomfortable whenever I talk to someone too long, especially someone like you. See ya, Trans-am wheel arch nostrils."
"Don't forget to tell him," Holly said.
"Oh, trust me, I won't," grinned the Cat. "It will just have to wait until after my preening time."
The Cat went out the same door Lister did, leaving Rimmer alone, examining his nail beds critically.
He hadn't been this gleeful since the time Lister's harness had snapped and he had fallen down into the cargo bay. He loved seeing the chirpy, annoying little gimboid in pain, and what better way than this? Oh, the next few months would be his heaven and Lister's hell. And he was going to milk it for all it was worth. He would find out everything about pregnancy, annoying Lister with useless trivia and controlling his every move, and Lister would have to do what he says because of his own guilt. Oh, this would be fun.
"Oh, Holly?" Rimmer called.
"Yes, Arnold?"
"Do you have any hologramatic books on pregnancy?"
"I didn't for this type, but I do now," said Holly. "Arlene transferred this book over just before we left. Hilly transmitted it to me…" Holly's voice suddenly became very gloomy, and his face dropped. "Will you excuse me, Arnold? I have to go now."
"Well done, Holly, go off and mope now. Maybe you are more than a completely worthless heap of senile circuits," said Rimmer to no one in particular as he headed off towards the drive room. What could Holly be doing? Perhaps he was still trying to rub that 'computer rash' off his stupid mug? Or, he could be categorizing his collection of singing potatoes. Yes, that was probably it.
Rimmer emerged in the drive room and found a large hologramatic book sitting next to the navicomp. A Not At All Nasty Guide to Your First Pregnancy (With Illustrations.) Excellent. Rimmer flipped open to the front page and found a note scrawled from Arlene.
"Arnold—I'm sending this book to you just in case Dave's pregnancy test comes out positive. If you're anything like me, then you would seize this opportunity to learn everything about pregnancy to make Lister's pregnancy a living hell, if he is indeed pregnant. I know I would, but of course, females aren't the ones who get pregnant in our universe, but it would sure be a laugh if we boarded your ship instead and this happened to Deb. Have fun. I'll get you next time, you frigid bastard. Signed Arlene J. Rimmer. P.S. Deb says good luck to Dave. He'll need it."
Rimmer shuddered and quickly turned the page and began to read. His eyes widened in alarm. "That's how it works?!?" Disgusting.
Rimmer read the first few chapters and paused. There were some serious changes on Red Dwarf that must be made immediately. He called the skutters from their game of Go Fish for some assistance.
AN: Please review!
