Lost
Deep down, Sam knows he's lost. Not like the "I took a wrong turn in Albuquerque" kind of lost, but the kind that settles itself in the pit of your stomach and aches at the back of your mind. Most days, he can push it down; he can pretend for Dean's sake more than his that everything is just fine. But some days, like today, it's a struggle just to keep himself from really going off the deep end. It's the anger that worries him the most. It's that burning rage that's hiding just beneath the surface that he can't ever seem to quiet. He's changing and he's not sure he likes the direction he's heading.
Sam loves Dean, with all his heart, but he knows that sooner or later, he's going to have to let his brother go. He knows Dean won't take the hit well. Protecting Sam is programmed in him, right next to breathing and his love of cheeseburgers. He looks at his brother as they coast down the highway in a comfortable silence. Dean's singing along loudly to some classic rock band that Sam doesn't really know. He gives his brother a half-hearted smile and Dean goes right on strumming with the drum solo. Sam's known for a while that something was brewing in him, that some evil was creeping its way into him. And he's fought like hell to keep it from consuming him entirely. But to be honest, he's tired. He's tired of fighting, of forcing out the bad thoughts that slip through his mind when he can't sleep. It's a constant battle of wills and his are wearing thin. Sam thinks that it feels a lot like drowning. He's trying to keep his head above the water, but his limbs are growing heavier with every passing day.
Deep down, Sam knows he's a monster, he's known that since he was old enough to walk. An easy life was just not written in Sam's cards, he knows that. He accepted that years ago, but it's the worry that gets him the most. He worries about Dean, mostly. He worries that a hunt won't go so good and he'll be left all alone for the rest of his life, he worries that he won't be strong enough to kill the yellow eyed demon when they finally find him. But what really keeps him up late at night is the worry that one day; it'll be him that Dean has to kill. The thought of finally giving into these terrible urges is so terrifying that Sam can't even force the words from his mouth. He knows that Dean won't have the guts to kill his brother, but Sam knows that's what it might have to come down to. Sam understands that his brother is broken; he's been that way since Sammy can remember, but Sam knows he's broken in a different way than his brother. It's in his blood, in his soul and Sam knows that Dean can't save him this time.
He sneaks another glance at his brother and finds that his hazel eyes are shining. For the first time in a long time, Dean looks like he's weightless. Sammy sighs and settles himself more into the Impala he knows so well. He tucks the pain and the worry carefully away before he reaches over and turns the music up louder. There are other times for this. No, for right now, he'll do just about anything to keep that happy, boyish look on his older brother's face.
