I stand in my pristine bedroom. Nothing is out of place. Everything is as it should be, like every good Abnegation girl. I anxiously tug at the grey sleeves of my shirt. I know I shouldn't focus on my nervousness, but I can't help it. Caleb Prior is supposed to be coming for dinner tonight. The timing of everything seems rather silly, only a short time before our Aptitude tests, but Caleb and I had decided that it was better this way. It had seemed very logical at the time of our discussion, but now in the moment, it seemed rather illogical. The purpose also seemed to flirt the line of selfishness and selflessness.
I slowly walk around my bedroom trying to calm my nerves trying to convince myself that this is the right thing to do, that it isn't the selfish thing to do. I reason that it is the next step in our relationship. Caleb had joined my volunteer group over a year ago. Everyone knew he had joined it because of me...except me of course. I took some convincing of the fact. But once I finally figured out why Caleb Prior was spending so much time near me, he and I were inseparable. Well, as inseparable as two Abnegation teenagers could get.
Caleb and I are probably one of the worst-kept secrets among the Abnegation. I am certain that my father already knew of my relationship with Caleb. So the fact that he hadn't rebuked me over Caleb must mean that on some level, he approved. But of course, he approved of a nice Abnegation boy to keep his daughter in check. I need to be kept in check to ensure no more public humiliation will come to my father. He refused to suffer any more humiliation at the expense of his children, something I was frequently reminded of since Tobias had left us. While the brunt of my father's wrath has always been geared toward my brother, since he abandoned us, I was next in line to face my father. The only thing I had going for me, compared to my brother, was that I could play the role of a good Abnegation child better than he ever could.
Slowly, I exhale the breath I had been holding before I start downstairs to check on dinner. It is my turn to cook. It always feels like it's my turn to cook, but that's probably because my father rarely takes his turn to cook. He claims that it is to help me improve my skills, but I know my father isn't as selfless as he appears. Only three other people know this of my father. One of them dead: my mother. One of them deserted to a different faction: my brother. And Caleb. I had tried very hard not to reveal too much about my father to him, wanting to allow Caleb to make his own decision as far as my father was concerned. But the closer Caleb and I grew, the easier it was for him to read me and he could always tell when something was wrong or when I would wince in pain when I moved. I had asked Caleb to never breathe a word of my father's actions to anyone else and as far as I know, he hasn't. I know I don't don't deserve a boy like Caleb Prior.
I pull the chicken out of the oven. It looks rather bland, as it every chicken meal does in Abnegation. I just hope it's cooked all the way through or that it's not too dry. I selfishly desire to impress Caleb, but I push those thoughts aside as I hear my father walk through the front door. He calls my name, "Edith!"
I leave the chicken setting on the counter before I wipe my hands against my pants and walk to greet him. I approach him with my head lowered and my gaze fixed on the floor. "Good evening, Father. I hope your day went well," I greet him, making eye contact only for a moment.
He gives a stiff nod, as Marcus Eaton does almost every evening, before he asks, "Caleb Prior is coming for dinner tonight, correct?"
I look up, but I can't meet his gaze as I respond, "Yes, sir."
"And have you prepared the meal?" I can tell that his tone is critical. That if the meal isn't already prepared, he will suffer great embarrassment. Good thing I learned a long time ago to be proactive to avoid punishments, not that it always works out in my favor.
"Yes, sir. I pulled the chicken out right as you walked in, sir."
But Marcus always feels the need to find fault everywhere. He clears his throat. "The food better not be cold for Caleb." I look at his chest and nod my head. I know that he means himself, but he is putting on his Abnegation act. But he doesn't have to put the act on in front of me. Yet he does anyway.
I stand there biting my bottom lip, waiting to be excused. After several moments he finally does excuse me. I quickly walk to the kitchen for some solace and to compose myself before Caleb arrives. I hope he arrives early so that I won't be left alone with Marcus for too long. I also hope this dinner goes well or I will no doubt suffer the consequences of it later.
A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. My heart begins to race because I know it's him, the boy who is one day going to save me from all of this. I can't help but smile as I collectedly walk toward the door to let him in. I glance over my shoulder to see my father watching me. He nods at me, giving me permission to open the door. I do. I open the door and reveal Caleb standing there in his grey Abnegation clothing with a small smile on his face. "Good evening, Edith," he greets me as he bows his head.
My stomach does flips inside me and my heart seems to race a little faster, but I calmly respond, bowing my head, "Good evening, Caleb. Please, do come in." I then motion with one hand for him to come inside.
He nods his head and takes a step forward. I feel his fingers brush against the hand hanging at my side. I know that he did it on purpose. It's the unwritten way of our faction, the most usual public display of affection. A display that isn't supposed to be obvious, but I can't help but feel that it is obvious. I suddenly feel a blush creep onto my cheeks as my gaze immediately drops downward as Caleb walks by me and into my father's house.
I lift my gaze to watch Caleb bow his head toward my father. I am relieved when my father bows his head back. We walk to the table. My father sits at his normal spot at the head of the table. Caleb sits in Tobias' old spot. No one has sat there for two years. My heart pangs for a moment as thoughts of my brother begin to surface. But I push them down and head to the kitchen to bring the food to the table.
I grab the plate of chicken, a bowl of green peas, and the loaf of bread and carry them back to the table. I can see Caleb sitting there, politely answering my father's questions. It puts me at ease a little. I set the food on the table before taking my place across the table from Caleb. The position of his head makes it look like he's examining the food, but I can see his eyes watching me. I nervously touch the tight bun in my hair, trying not to focus on him as we begin to pass the food around the table.
My father grabs the plate of chicken, dishes a piece for himself, and then passes the plate to me since I'm on his right. I take the smaller piece of chicken before I pass the plate across the table to Caleb. His fingers brush against mine as he reached for the plate. I refuse to make eye contact with him because I don't trust myself to not betray my feelings. But the same thing happens when I pass him the bowl of green peas and then the plate of bread.
During dinner, Caleb and I remain silent unless my father asks us a question. He rarely asks me anything. He doesn't want me embarrassing him in front of Andrew Prior's son. I find slight satisfaction that Andrew Prior's son already knows. But I know that is a selfish thought and I push it down as I take a bite of my chicken. While I chew my food, my father asks Caleb another question. Without missing a beat, Caleb gives the perfect Abnegation answer to my father's question. I know pride is a sin, but I can't help but be proud of how well Caleb is dealing with my father.
When we finish eating, Caleb offers to help me with the dishes. I open my mouth to object, but I realize he trying to find a way to spend time with me alone. My father doesn't object. In fact, he surprises me and leaves the room muttering something about work. Caleb watches over his shoulder as my father disappears into another room. He picks up his plate and closes the distance between us. "Hi, Edith," he whispers close to my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
"Hi," I respond rather breathlessly. I allow my eyes to meet his gaze. Once again my stomach flips and my heart beats faster. It's ridiculous that one person is able to do that do me. That one person is Caleb and he knows it. He smiles and nods for me to grab something from the table. I grab my plate with one hand while he takes hold of my free hand. His touch sends tingles up my arm as we walk to the sink.
For a moment we stand at the sink saying nothing and holding hands until Caleb breaks the silence, "How about I'll wash and rinse while you dry and put away?"
I nod my head and he releases my hand to wash the dishes. With a sigh, I walk back to the table to gather the rest of the dishes. By the time I bring them back to the sink, Caleb has already started washing them. I set the dirty ones beside him and he thanks me as I reach for a dish towel to dry the clean dishes. We make small talk as we take care of the dishes. We are in such close proximity to each other that we keep bumping into each other, but I don't mind. I like being close to Caleb. He makes me feel safe.
As I dry the dishes, I can't help but let my thoughts wander. My thoughts wander to the future, a future with Caleb. I can see us in our home, exactly like this one. I can see us washing dishes together, breaking bread together, raising a family together...but most importantly I can see myself feeling safe and comfortable away from my father. I know I'm supposed to love my father and I think I do-but I can hardly wait for the day when I am no longer under my father's roof.
"Edith," Caleb whispers to me, startling me out of my thoughts. I glance up at him and he leans over and says, "I think that dish is dry."
I blush. I look down at the floor and mutter, "Sorry. I was lost in thought."
"What were you thinking about?" he asks plainly.
I blush again, but this time I look up at him. Our gazes lock and I say, "I think you already know."
He smiles and looks over his shoulder before looking back at me. "Is your father watching us? I can't tell."
I look over my shoulder and turn back to Caleb. "I don't think so. I don't see him and he's probably working in another room."
"Good." Caleb leans in and presses a kiss against my cheek.
I sigh, leaning on him, practically melting against him. Abnegation members don't publicly display affection for each other, but we aren't in public. It's just the two of us right now and despite how much I love his affection, I still reprimand him. "Caleb. My father…"
"If he asks, you didn't ask, I selflessly gave." He presses another kiss against my cheek. I smile. Caleb always is good at rationalizing things and finding a logical explanation for things. But the fact that I know this doesn't make his next statement any less unexpected. "I need to talk to you about something."
I arch an eyebrow at him. "Oh? What about?"
Caleb looks around before he drops his voice and says lowly, "The Choosing Ceremony."
I slowly blink, trying to gather my wits for a moment. I then look around for my father before I whisper, "You know we're not supposed to talk about that."
"I know for fact that couples talk about it beforehand. Especially when they're…" He pauses and then continues. "Close."
"So, you think we're close?" I ask changing the subject as every good Abnegation girl is supposed to do.
He knows and looks at me disappointedly with his arms folded across his chest. "You know we are."
I can see I hit a nerve. I sigh and nod my head. Even though we're only sixteen, we have discussed a future together before. I know this is something he wants to talk about. I look around to make sure my father hasn't made an appearance. I then rest my hand on his arm and look up at him. "What is it that you wanted to tell me?"
His expression softens. He takes a deep breath and swallows hard. Then he looks me directly in the eyes. "There's no easy way to say this, but I-I'm planning on transferring. To Erudite."
I thought my thoughts were swimming before, but they seem to be racing in a million different directions now. I almost feel dizzy. I absently take a step away from him, trying to process the news. I ran my fingers through my pulled-back hair. I close my eyes until the dizziness goes away. I look up at Caleb, who now looks unsure of himself. "Why are you telling me this?" I ask with my brow furrowed.
"Think about it, Edith. Why would I tell you?" Caleb asks me, his eyes staring intently at mine and his hands resting on my shoulders, which causes some discomfort.
I ponder his words for a moment, the heat from his hands practically burns through my clothes. The first thought that jumps in my head is logical enough, but it almost seems too much to hope for. "You-you want me to go with you."
He nods his head. "I know it's selfish to ask you, but I had to take a chance, especially knowing what I know about you...and your father."
I nod. My head is swimming. I lamely ask, "What about the Aptitude test?"
"I'm positive I know what mine will tell me." He pauses for a moment before he continued. "And you know as well as anyone that you don't have to choose where the test recommends you'd be best suited." I know he was referring to my brother. I had told Caleb that the test had recommended Abnegation for Tobias, yet he had still chosen Dauntless.
I bite my bottom lip. "Do you think I could make it...there?"
Again, he nods his head. "You catch onto things fairly quickly."
"Not as quick as you," I point out.
My bottom lip juts out a little which makes him chuckle. He presses his finger against my lip, trying to push it back up. "I don't want to pressure you, but I felt I needed to tell you-give you time to think things over."
"You mean longer than the hours between the test and the Choosing ceremony?"
He sighs before he nods his head again, not making eye contact with me. "I thought you might need more time than that."
I wrap my hands around his neck and force him to look at me. "I appreciate that. I do." Caleb's hand find their way to my waist and he pulls me a little closer. I'm full of emotions as I whisper, "I don't want to lose you too." He knows what losing Tobias did to me.
"You don't have to. You won't." Caleb looks around before his hands move to my face and he pulls my face toward his. He presses his lips against mine. This isn't our first real kiss, but they happen so infrequently that they always feel like the first time all over again. Trusting his judgment on the situation I kiss him back. I know that this is where I belong, with him. But that only complicates the decision I will have to make soon.
After several kisses, we pull apart, not wanting to get too out-of-line. I rest my head against his chest and I can feel his heartbeat. "Can I have a few days to think and then we'll have this conversation again?" I mumble.
He agrees.
I sigh, still pressed against him. "You should probably go before my father gets suspicious."
Caleb rubs my arms with his hands. I cringe in pain when his hands rest on my shoulders. He looks at me knowingly. He doesn't ask why I'm in pain because he already knows it has to do with my father. He doesn't know it was from when my father shoved me against the wall because he thought me out-of-line, but he knows enough. Caleb sighs. "If he does anything after I leave, tell me tomorrow."
I sigh. "It's not like it'll change anything."
Caleb kisses my forehead. "Not now. But maybe someday."
I am not sure what he meant by that, but I know that I trust him...I love him. I am not ready for him to let go of me when he does. I fold my arms across my chest and walk him to the door. We pass my father, who looks up for a moment and then goes back to what he is doing.
I open the door and sigh as I look at Caleb. He bows his head toward me and I bow my head back as he walks by me. I slowly close the door watching him walk away from me. He looks back at me over his shoulder a couple times before he disappears altogether. I completely close the door and walk to face, my father. I stand before him with my eyes downcast. I expect something to have gone wrong. I expect him to punish me for staying with Caleb alone in the kitchen for so long. I am surprised when all he says is, "Caleb is a nice Abnegation boy. I am pleased with your decision."
His words are like a punch in the gut. If only he knew the conversation that happened under his very roof. I just nod my head and my head upstairs to my bedroom. I slowly set myself on the edge of my bed, sitting upright. My thoughts are still swirling. Caleb's confession was a complete surprise to me and now because of it, I am seriously considering transferring to a different faction.
Granted, transferring isn't a new thought for me. It is something I have considered many times actually. But the only faction I ever considered transferring to was Dauntless...to be with my brother. I miss Tobias dearly. In a lot of ways, he was always my other half. He was the one to pick me up when I was down. I hadn't seen him in nearly two years, but I still went into his old bedroom quite frequently. I know the saying is faction before blood, but I will never forget my brother. He will always be a part of me.
And that is what makes my upcoming decision even harder. Do I choose the path expected of me and save my father humiliation? Do I choose the path of the boy I love and can picture the rest of my life with? Or do I choose the path that leads to the brother I can't forget and have spent every day for the last two years missing? At this moment I'm not sure, but I know that no matter which path I choose, I'm going to hurt someone.
Author's note: The plot bunny nobody asked for, but I couldn't get out of my head! Here's the first chapter! So Edith is torn between staying in Abnegation (can she make Caleb stay), going to Erudite where Caleb wants to go or following the brother she misses to Dauntless. What do ya'll think she's gonna do?
Thanks to Renny Autumn for beta-ing. She did quite a bit since this style and tense are NOT my forte!
