Curious Endings
Curious thing, the Doctor thought. Terribly curious that he'd fallen in love with a human. He'd gone over nine centuries without getting close to another living creature. I used to have so much mercy, he'd told an alien once; a Krillitane bent on taking over the world. True enough. What he'd developed in the last while with Rose was something like mercy… but different.
Odd, that he'd come so close to losing her, so many times. When he'd finally lost her, it wasn't quite as painful as he'd expected. They would never be together again, but he knew that she was safe, and that she would eventually be happy. Perhaps she loved him, but the best part of humans was their inevitable ability to bounce back from absolutely heart-wrenching tragedy. It never disappeared, of course, but after a time they no longer allowed it to control them. They moved on with their day to day lives.
That was one thing that the Doctor could not say for himself. He had been carrying the weight of the Time War on his shoulders for such a very long time, and would continue to do so until his genuine dying day.
In regards to Rose, he had wondered so many things. He loved her, obviously. She loved him. If he'd been human, they would've done the natural thing… get married and have loads of little brats. Would she still love him if he wasn't a Time Lord? If he couldn't travel throughout time and space as if the logical laws of nature didn't exist? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
The Doctor had often wondered. His father had been a Time Lord, and his mother a human. Stupid man, his father. Stupid, and brilliant all at once. What would happen if the half-breed had a child with a human? Half a Time Lord and a pure blood human. It didn't actually matter; it was just one of the things that had floated through his mind during the silent times of his existence. The point was that she would still die.
He had never had a dilemma of this nature before, and now, without it ever having truly began, the problem was solved. One way or another. Like not being sure you wanted to buy something expensive, and then not having enough money when you do go to buy it, he mused, lapsing into human analogies as he often found he had to do to get points across to her.
Intriguingly inquisitive, that was Rose all over. The first time he had ever met her, surrounded by shop window mannequins, and she just kept asking questions. Of course, he hardly answered any of them. He had been busy saving the world. So much time later (and still so little, it seemed), he'd changed himself to save his own life. Once again, he hardly explained the process to her at all. He was quite daft, really. He should've at least said to her: I'm regenerating. At least that. She would've been able to deduce her own conclusions. But no, he'd blathered on like an idiot, talking about dogs with no noses, trying to quell her panic amidst his pain.
He would remember her, just as he remembered every single one of his Companions since the Time War. The only thing was that he would never forget a single nuance of her personality, never forget a single look she'd given him, and never ever forget the way she said his name with exactly the right inflection to make him want to dance with joy or weep with sorrow. That was different. He'd forgotten those almost unimportant things about the others, but he knew that Rose would haunt him for the rest of his life.
He had three more regenerations. It was quite likely that those three would take him another three to four hundred years. He had many options available to him, each as unsavoury as the last, without her beside him squeezing his hand in childish anticipation. He could continue as he always had, moving along and saving as many people as he could from the evils of the universe. He could find himself a nice planet and grow old and eccentric there away from everyone and everything. He could simply stay within his faithful Tardis and wait. Waiting. What a disgusting notion. He was terrible at waiting. Always had been.
He would not give up. He was a Time Lord after all, he had a duty and surrender was not in his nature. More importantly, she wouldn't want him to give up. She would want him to fight to his last breath, and he would. The Doctor would not give up hope, and he would not forget.
It hasn't felt like this before.
It hasn't felt like home, before you.
I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way.
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you.
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Author's Note: The lyrics at the end are from "Fear You Won't Fall" by Joshua Radin. Give it a listen, it's just beautiful.
Also, I'm perfectly aware that this doesn't follow a proper train of thought, but since when did anyone think in a perfect sequence? I thought it fit, at any rate.
Abby
