Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original characters or storylines and am not making any money with this.
The quote "why don´t you just nail my head to the floor" is borrowed from Monty Python´s Flying Circus.
--
What if the LotR-characters were to play one of the most popular fanfiction-storylines, with Gandalf being their director?
Find out...
--
Legolas: "Yay! I´ve always wanted to be an actor!"
Aragorn: "I don´t quite see the point in this."
Legolas (exitedly): "I´ve already read a lot of books about acting, and I can recite several poems by heart!"
Gandalf: "Okay, everybody, listen up!"
Legolas (whispers): "I should have seen this coming. The director often assumes an air of importance-"
Aragorn: "Will you please be quiet? I can´t hear what he says."
Legolas: "Ph... You´re only afraid that I might be a better actor than you are!"
Gandalf: "As it is, we only have one orc who volunteered, so he will play the main captor forward slash torturer."
Orc (grins shyly): "Hi...my name is Robert."
Legolas: "Ts..."
--
Gandalf: "Okay. We will start with the scenes in the dungeons. Legolas, pretend to be unconscious!"
Legolas (breathes in deeply): "I can do this!" (goes limp)
Gandalf (encouragingly): "Very good! Go Legolas!"
Legolas (opens one eye): "What? Where?"
Gandalf (sighs): "Just ignore me... Okay, er...what´s your name again?" (Points at orc)
--
A strange noise appears.
Gandalf: "What now?"
Aragorn: "Sounded like a duck."
Legolas (offended): "I´m practicing my yelp!"
Gandalf: "Be a good boy and practice it over there, will you?"
Legolas: "Great. Fine. Excellent. Why don´t you just nail my head to the floor if you hate me so much!" (stalks off, sulking)
--
Gandalf: "Where were we?"
Orc: "You pointed to me. I found that a little rude, by the way."
Gandalf: "Big deal! Okay, you go and kick Aragorn. And don´t forget to growl menacingly!"
Orc: kicks Aragorn.
Aragorn: "Ow! Just pretend, you idiot!
Orc: mumbles something and shuffles his feet.
Gandalf: "Try it again, please!"
Orc: tries again.
Silence.
Gandalf (stroking his beard): "I don´t mean to be rude, but... that looked like ballet! And you didn´t growl!"
Orc (hurt): "But you wanted me to pretend! I tried to be careful!
Gandalf: "Yes, but can´t you do it a bit more... forcefully?"
Orc: "I´ll try..."
Aragorn: "Uh oh..."
Orc: tries again.
Aragorn: yelps
Legolas appears: "Okay, who stole my line just now?"
Gandalf (impatiently): "No one did, go back to your practicing!"
Legolas: "I´m already done! Listen!" Yelps.
Silence.
Aragorn: "Sounded like a moose this time."
Legolas: "I KNEW it! You stole my line and now you´re just jealous!"
Gandalf (stroking his beard again while Legolas and Aragorn bicker): "Hm...I think I´ve got an idea. Legolas? Can you do the moo- er- yelp again?"
Legolas (pleased): "Why, yes, of course!" Briefly turns round to Aragorn: "HA!" Yelps.
Gandalf: "Good... now...can you pretend to kick Aragorn?"
Legolas (surprised): "Certainly! But... why?"
Gandalf: "Just think of it as a kind of acting challenge."
Legolas (flattered): "I knew I was making great progress!" Pretends to kick Aragorn.
Gandalf (clapping): "Perfect! Now... Robert- please go to the make-up van and ask them to fit you into a blond wig..."
Aragorn: "Gandalf! Are you planning on-"
Gandalf: "Shshsh, I´m just trying something here." Rubs his hands expectantly.
The orc returns, sporting a blond wig with braids.
All: snicker
Orc: growls
Gandalf: "This is going to be good...Legolas, my lad, I want you to go to the make-up van as well and ask them to fit you into an orc mask."
Legolas: "Okay!" hops off
Gandalf: " ? That was easy..."
Legolas (comes back): "Wait a moment! You want me to do what?"
Gandalf (sighs): "I should have known..."
Legolas: "Why do you want me to play an orc?"
Gandalf: "Look. Robert has an astonishing grace and is simply perfect for playing a prissy elf, whereas you have practised a perfect growl-"
Legolas: ?
Gandalf: "I mean your yelp. But what´s way more important: you can perfectly pretend to kick Aragorn without actually hurting him!"
At this, the orc and the elf start to talk simultaneously: "...certainly cannot wear a stinking mask..." "...blond does not really suit my complexion..." "...completely ignoring my acting abilities..." "...am no prancy elf..." "...all have dirty fingernails..." "...stupid wig itches..."
Gandalf (raises his staff): "Silence!"
All: silent
Gandalf: "You will do as I say or I will leave!"
Legolas: "Well, that´s negotiable..."
Gandalf (quickly): "AND I will get the Balrog for a replacement!"
--
Half an hour later.
Robert: "Is it okay like this or am I too heavy?"
Aragorn: "Don´t worry... and I hadn´t expected you to smell like flowers."
Robert (blushing): "Oh, you know... one tries. Do you really not think blond makes me look too pale?"
Gandalf: "Get ready for the next scene! And- ACTION!"
Orc: "Fear not, mellon nin, I still have hope!"
Legolas (storms in): "Bwahahaharhar! You filthy maggots; no one can save you now! Urgh! My mask really stinks, I think I might throw up!"
Gandalf: "CUT! Legolas, stop complaining! You´re not a prissy elf anymore, you´re an orc now! Orcs don´t mind bad smells-"
Robert: "And what´s that supposed to mean?"
Gandalf: "Whatever! Now! Get ready... and Action!"
Legolas: "Er...you filthy maggots! I can do this... No one can save you now because...what was it... because... think, Leggy, think... because before the twins will find you, you will be dead! Har!"
Gandalf: "Cut!! No no no no no no no no no- Legolas! Go and read your text again! And stop MUMBLING, for Valar´s sake!"
Legolas: "Ph..."
--
Gandalf (takes deep breath): "Okay. We can carry on with the next scene until Legolas has memorized his lines-
Legolas: "Done!"
Gandalf: ? "That was quick!"
Legolas: "That´s all due to discipline and hard work! Attitude, see?"
Gandalf: "Uhu... Well...then on with our scene. Ready? ACTION!"
Legolas: "Bwahahaharhar! You filthy maggots! No one can save you now, ´cause they will never find you! Bwahahaharhar!"
Robert: "Leave us alone!" (wailing)
Legolas (offended): "Hey! I certainly do not sound like that!"
Gandalf: "You do, too."
Legolas: "No, I don´t! And I won´t carry on until you take it back!"(crosses his arms and taps his foot)
Gandalf (rolling his eyes): "Either you stop sulking or you´re out!"
Legolas (gasps): "Fine!" (stomps out. Comes back in): "Bwahaharhar! You filthy magpies- no, that´s not it-- hm...this is peculiar... can anyone give me a hint?"
All (bored): "Bwahahaharhar!Youfilthymaggots!Noonecansaveyounowcausetheywillneverfindyou!"
Legolas (confused): "Thank you. But somehow I think there´s missing something-"
All: "Bwahahaharhar!"
Legolas: "Oooookay, now... One, two... hey, Gandalf! Say Action!"
Gandalf: "Whatever..."
Legolas: "Bwahahaharhar! You filthy maggots! No one can save you now, because they will never find you! Bwahahaharhar!"
Robert: "Leave us alone!"
Silence.
Robert (whispers): "Aragorn! Your line!"
Aragorn (sleepily): "What? Oh... I have fallen asleep. Sorry. Ahem. Er... Legolas- don´t upset him!"
Legolas: "WHAT have I done now?"
Gandalf (wildly): "NOT YOU! That was Aragorn´s line!"
Legolas: "Gee, this is confusing..."
Gandalf: "Everybody, please concentrate! Action..."
Silence.
Robert: "Aragorn?"
Aragorn: "Sorry... I fell asleep again..."
Gandalf (burying his face in his hands): "What have I done to deserve this..."
--
The End
--
Legolas-Fans: I´m sorry, I´m sorry, I´m sorry, I really do love Legolas (I think he´s great), so please forgive me for not being able to resist making fun of him nevertheless (hides behind Aragorn)...
Fellow Authors: Sorry for also making fun of us! A little demon has whispered the words in my ear...
--
