AN: This little story is different from my other Careese stories, I hope you guys will enjoy it as much as I did writing it. Thanks Elaine for reading this for me, my little muse is killing us.
Story wise it's AU because I don't fully follow things that happen for the show.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Things were quiet in his apartment. If a pin dropped you would hear it hit the hardwood floor. It was how John liked his private life when he wasn't out chasing bad guys to kneecap; quiet, uneventful, and utterly alone.
John turned away from the window he was gazing out of, watching the moon and stars. He had always loved watching the stars at night. The soft twinkling of light always managed to twitch his lips up into a smile. But he would never tell anyone. Shaw and Finch would find it amusing that a man such as himself would find enjoyment in watching the stars, Fusco and Root would make snide comments, and he preferred to not hear it. The only person he ever told his secrets to without fear of being laughed at or ridiculed was gone.
John felt restless as he eyed the clock. It was nearing eleven at night and he was wide awake and could not relax. They had finished up a number earlier in the evening and were granted a night to themselves. Shaw and Root had gone off together while Finch had taken Bear home so he could go out on a date with a woman named Beth. John had checked into this woman to make sure she was suitable for Finch and realized that the two were a great match. He was happy for his friend. And Fusco, well Fusco had spent enough time with him during the day as they were partners and he had a date himself.
While his friends had all gone out with people, sharing their lives with someone, he had gone home alone. Solitude was the company he favored on most occasions now. But now as he looked around his small apartment for his cover identity, he felt like he couldn't breathe. Felt like the walls were closing in on him, knowing the only way to be able to relax the swirling tension he was feeling was if he went to her. He needed her.
John grabbed his coat before leaving his apartment, leaving his solitude. He had to go see her.
He exited his car, entering the cemetery. He memorized the path to where she was, he could find her with his eyes closed, and the ache in his heart that always grew whenever he saw her tombstone swallowed him whole as he came up on it. He could never get used to seeing her name etched in the marble.
John drew to a pause as he stood directly in front of Joss Carter's tombstone, sliding his hands into his pockets as suddenly he felt chilled. "I had to see you. And it's for selfish reasons, Joss, because I need your help to relax. Remember that one night I called you because I was dealing with a bout of insomnia?—I called you just to have someone to talk to. Even though I clearly woke you up you agreed to meet me at a café where we had coffee and talked all night?" he spoke to the tombstone as if it would answer him.
John smiled as he closed his eyes and recalled that memory so easily. It had been after HR destroyed her career, busting her down to lowly patrol officer. She had showed up at the café in sweats, her hair in a ponytail and makeup free. Her eyes had been tired but she was awake and had an easy smile on her face as they sat beside one another at the booth; his body had felt oddly energized. He was attracted to Joss, liked that she was womanly without the need of makeup and formfitting clothes. But he hid it from her and himself for a long time.
He tugged his thoughts out of the past as he stared down at the present. The woman that sat with him so he wouldn't be alone, the woman that cared too much about him was dead, in the ground, because of him. "I miss you, Joss, I miss you so much," he whispered gruffly as the cool night air billowed.
John stood there staring at her grave. "I hate that I never told you what you meant to me because I figured it out too late. I'm always too late," he said with a hint of anger.
He had trouble getting close to people but it had been so easy with Joss. She made it easy with her generous spirit, her warmth, and her general care for him. And he never figured out the depth of his feelings that coursed through his blood for her, not until the moment that they were locked together in that morgue. It finally clicked inside him that he loved Joss and it scared him, it excited him, and then he lost her. The woman he felt comfortable to be himself with, loved, and felt that could love him in return was taken from him.
He looked up into the stars. "I always loved star gazing, Joss." he whispered his secret, feeling unashamed as he told her, knowing if she was alive she wouldn't laugh at him. "When I was a kid I used to go outside every night and hope to see shooting stars so I could foolishly wish my dad would come home. I saw a couple but it didn't matter, because wishes don't come true, none of mine ever did." He closed his eyes as he looked back down at the grave, trying to stop the burning at the backs of his eyes before reopening them when it didn't work. "Because I have wished so many times for you to still be here, with me, so I'm not alone anymore," he said roughly, feeling like he was choking. The pain of losing her still was fresh, as if it just happened, it cut him deeply and he wasn't sure the wound of losing Joss would ever heal. He turned his head towards two large old oak trees that were about twenty feet away when he thought he felt someone over there, watching him, but when no one came out he decided it was just the wind blowing the branches around.
He crouched down so he could touch her name, tears slipping down his cheeks as he traced his index and middle fingers along her name. "I love you, Joss," he whispered thickly, never saying the words as they wounded him nearly as much as her being gone did. Because she would never know, he would never have the chance to say the words to her.
He remained quiet as he softly cried. Once he was done tracing her name. "Thank you, Joss, for not letting me be alone tonight." He brought his hand from the marble to kiss his fingers and pressed them on her name, letting them linger for several moments before he got to his feet.
He happened to glance up at the stars one last time before he was going to leave and smiled when he saw a shooting star. He looked down at her grave. "A shooting star, I guess I should make a wish huh, even though I know it won't come true," he murmured as he stared at her name, but there was something in him that yearned to make the silly wish anyways. "I wish you were here," he whispered before he forcefully turned and walked away from the grave of the woman he loved.
He couldn't go home, not yet. So as he exited the cemetery, instead of heading to his car he instead walked the empty sidewalk under the glittering stars, alone.
John, however, missed the silhouette that slowly peered out from the spot behind two old oak trees. She wiped the tears off her face. "Wish granted, John," she whispered as she slowly followed the broken hearted man from a safe distance.
AN: There are four chapters to this quick little ficlet, so this won't get me too sidetracked for Followed By Marriage. And the final chapter to Accidentally in Love is nearly complete, but this damn story sort of hijacked me first. And I know there were some people wondering when The Demon Within is coming, I'm working on it. I've tossed around different ideas on how I wanted it to go and finally figured out just how I want things to happen and came up with the ending which was killing me. Hopefully you guys can bare with me on that one as it's finally coming along now, maybe chapter 2 will be coming soon :D
Anyways thanks for reading, I know you guys probably have some questions...
