"Let's talk about that!"
Today is going to make a great episode. People love it when we do dumb stuff like this.
Why are we in spandex? Rhett's idea, I'm sure. It just makes things all the more awkward. He loves making it awkward.
"I have decided to perform this next challenge … alone."
I can feel him hiding against the back of my head. His breath is tickling the back of my neck.
"Hey heeeyyy!" I can just hear the dopey grin on his face as we turn around.
We dance about for a bit. I look up to check what we look like on the monitor. We look like a pair of idiots spooning in lycra. But I kind of like the way his arms look around me. It feels kinda nice too.
"We're going to try to get dressed…" He says. I was miles away.
Okay. Let's do this.
Things are kinda quiet on the ride home.
"Hey man, you okay?"
"Mmm."
He's pretending to concentrate on driving.
"You sure?"
He doesn't answer.
There's a pause.
"Rhett?"
"Yeah?" He looks like he just woke up from a far away dream.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine. You wanna grab something to eat?"
Well, I'm kinda hungry after rolling round the floor all morning.
"Sure, whatcha thinking?"
"I dunno, let's just see where we end up."
Things are quiet over lunch too. Rhett's resting his chin in his hand, half heartedly poking at what's left of his sandwich.
"Is something wrong or…?" I finally ask when I can't take it anymore.
He looks up suddenly, his piercing gaze looking straight into me. He almost looks angry, his eyes are on fire, but it's not anger. I shift uncomfortably in my seat. I don't recognise the look. It's like a fierce frustration, I can see it burning away at him. And I can't help but feel like it's aimed at me.
"Are you mad at me or something?" I snap, suddenly feeling defensive. What the hell did I do to deserve this?
"Naw." He drops the last of his sandwich and gets to his feet. "I was just tryna work something out. Doesn't matter."
He pulls on his coat and before I know it he's out of the door.
Next thing I know I'm scrambling to my feet after him.
"Hey man!" I shout across the parking lot. "What's your problem?"
"I said it's nothing!" He yells back.
"What are you making a scene for then!?" I'm so mad now.
"Just leave it man." He's at the car, fumbling around in his pockets for the keys.
I storm across the lot to catch him up.
"Come on!"
He turns on me, this time, it is anger I see flushing into his face.
In a tone so low it feels deadly, he growls at me.
"I said leave it, Link."
Stunned into silence, I just stand and watch as he gets into the car, slams the door and drives away.
Well I guess I'm walking home then.
When I walk onto set the next day it's like nothing has happened. He's his usual self, laughing and joking with the crew like always. His eyes fall on me, and I feel a surge of relief pass through me when he breaks into a smile.
"Hey, Link, come see this." He beckons me over. The crew are huddled around a laptop screen, all shaking with laughter.
It's a video of cats being freaked out by cucumbers.
I laugh too.
"Have you guys only just seen this video?" I ask.
"It would make a great episode though wouldn't it?" Rhett says, he's got that look in his eye, that creative spark fizzing away. That look stirs two emotions in me; the first is always anxiety because god knows what he's thinking of, and the second, well, I don't really know, it's warm and exciting, and it echoes in my pulse and settles in my throat. Is there a word for that?
"You mean the cucumber thing?" I finally manage to say after what seems like an eternity of being lost in that look.
"We could test a load of different viral videos." I can see the excitement bubbling away under the surface.
We must have talked about it for well over an hour. Yesterday is long forgotten as we search YouTube for the best viral videos to try on GMM. We know most of them won't work, but that will make for the funniest episode. I think ninety percent of the reason we make this show is just to make each other laugh. There's nothing quite as rewarding as watching Rhett's face crumple into laughter, it's infectious too. If he's laughing I'm laughing too. I just can't help it.
I watch Link's face as he explodes with laughter over some dumb video. I mean, I'm in hysterics too, and I'm not sure either of us really knows why. The thing is, seeing Link laughing – even just seeing a smile on that dopey face – it makes it worth it. And it's not easy. Some days it's really hard. Feeling the way I do, it can be impossible to sit next to him. I get so mad, like it's his fault or something. I mean I guess it is his fault in some ways, I've never felt like this about anyone else. And I'm not really sure what this feeling even is. Every time I try to put it into words I feel like an idiot.
"Hey man, you okay?"
Link's voice breaks my thoughts. It's only then I realise I've been staring into space.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine, I didn't get much sleep last night and I think I dozed off for a second there."
He tilts his head, his eyes full of concern.
"You sure you wanna film today? It can wait until tomorrow y'know."
How can he do this? How can he look at me like that, so much worry painted right across his face, and yet not feel this? How can he not see what he does to me?
"No don't be stupid, I'm fine." I force out a smile. "Seriously, Mom, I'm fine."
After a second, he smiles back.
"Well if you pass out half way through the episode it might get us some more views at least." He says with a grin.
"Oh ha ha very funny."
The lights go on, the camera is running, and I take my seat next to Link. There's almost an actual pain in my chest, that's how much agony my heart is in. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.
Well, Rhett's idea has come to fruition. After a couple of weeks of fine tuning here we are filming the viral videos episode. After Lizzy's cat fails to react to a cucumber and we've blended an iPhone – it comes to the one I've been dreading.
"There is a video on the internet," Rhett pauses and shoots a look at the crew, who immediately start falling about laughing. "That our crew think would be hilarious for us to test."
"Okay so there's this video where a whole bunch of strangers get together and KISS for the first time. TOTAL STRANGERS!" My stomach is doing flips, my pulse is thumping. I don't want to do this. I don't know why, but I am suddenly very aware of how much I don't want to kiss Rhett.
"It seems stupid for us to test this." He protests. "We're not strangers! It's not scientific!"
"Scientific, yeah!" I repeat. "Well, the crew has suggested that to counter that we should put blindfolds on."
Rhett scoffs.
"Just cos I can't see you doesn't mean I don't know it's you! I'll be blind, not stupid!"
"I know man, I'm not excited about this either." I have my blindfold in my hands. "Come on, let's get this over with."
I pull the blindfold over my eyes and I'm plunged into darkness. I laugh nervously.
"This is definitely worse."
I hear laughter all around me.
"Yeah this is worse." Rhett agrees. "I don't trust y'all!"
I hear him turn to me.
"What if they come and put stuff between our faces?"
"That'd be better wouldn't it?"
"You know these guys, they're twisted! I don't want to open my eyes and find myself kissing pig anus or something."
"Okay, I would rather kiss you than pig anus."
"I would rather kiss you than a lot of things."
There's a sudden silence. My heart pounds in my throat. Did he just say what I think he said…?
"You know, there's a lot of weird stuff this crew has got their hands on in the past." He continues.
"It's okay, I know what you meant." I say with a half laugh.
But I do know what he meant. It was all there in his voice. And I feel that dread in my stomach turning over and over, I feel it rising and sticking in my chest.
Is it dread? That's what it felt like at first. But is it more? It's like nerves, but could it be…. Excitement? Joy even? I suddenly feel very unwell, my stomach is stirring like I'm gonna vomit.
"Can we shut the camera off?" I ask, pulling my blindfold off. The crew look at each other, not sure if I'm joking.
"You okay man?" Rhett's still wearing his blindfold. Those dopey eyebrows make him look so surprised.
"I'm not comfortable doing this." I shake my head. "I'm sorry everyone, can we cut something together with what we've got?" My hands are trembling. What am I doing? I'm becoming more and more aware that I'm throwing away something I do actually want. Because I do want it, I'm starting to realise that I want it very badly.
But I'm not sure I can face what that means. Nothing would ever be the same after that.
"It's okay, Link, we've got it." I hear Stevie say.
"I need some air."
Without another word or another thought I find myself walking off set and out of the back door.
The crew and I sit in silence. We're not quite sure how to react. It's all I can do not to cry. A grown man and I'm about to freaking cry. The pain is back, right through the centre of my chest, what was a dull ache is now so sharp I can hardly stand it.
I've never felt so rejected. I don't whether to get mad or feel sorry for myself.
All I know for sure is I have to go after him, because despite it all I still love him.
Love. It's a word I'd not used to describe my feelings for Link before, but here and now, it feels like the right word. It feels like the right word exactly.
I found him stood, legs apart, bent over and dry heaving.
Talk about adding insult to injury.
He doesn't move as I approach.
"It's not that bad, is it?" I say with a half attempt at a laugh.
He doesn't say anything, he just keeps on staring at the ground.
"Are you ill?" His face is so pale it strikes me that maybe he's just sick. Maybe it's not me after all.
"I dunno man, my belly's doing flips." He manages to croak out.
I give him a rub on the back for comfort. He closes his eyes and I can feel him relax slightly. It warms my fricking heart to see him react to me like that.
"I'm sorry man, I thought it would be funny." I'm overcome with quilt for putting him through this. I didn't think he'd react quite this badly.
He lets out a gentle sigh.
"Naw, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like this." He shakes his head gently. "You probably think it's cos of you."
The rush of relief is indescribable.
"So it's not me then?" I say, trying to mask it as a joke.
Link doesn't respond, which makes me think maybe it is me after all.
He straightens up, adjusting his glasses, and sets his gaze on me. He looks so serious. And a little flushed from all the dry heaving.
"I just don't want to ruin our friendship."
That surprises me. I wasn't expecting him to say that.
"Why would we let something as dumb as that ruin our friendship?"
He looks suddenly exasperated.
"That's not what I mean."
I can feel a lump in my throat, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.
"What do you mean then?" I manage to ask.
"I just, don't want to… I …." He shakes his head again and turns his head away.
"Link?" I step a little closer, tilting my head to try and see his face.
He looks up again, and our eyes lock. I've never experienced anything like it, there is straight up electricity coursing through me, the look is so powerful, so charged with feeling.
We're a little too close together. I can feel it. But I don't want to move. It feels right.
Before I can stop myself I'm tilting my head, I'm leaning forward, am I making a move? Oh my god, I am. Stop! STOP!
I close my eyes because I can't face him turning away again. There's only so much rejection one person can take in a day.
Fully expecting to get a face full of hair, I'm truly astonished to feel my lips connect with his.
If my stomach was turning before, it's like a washer dryer now it's spinning so hard. I feel dizzy and confused, but I feel right. For the first time in a long time I feel right.
I'm out of my own control now. My head has turned off, my heart has taken over. And my heart wants Rhett.
What started off as a tentative kiss has quickly gathered passion like a snowball down a hill collects snow. I'm pushing against him, his beard tickling my top lip. I feel his arms encompass me, pulling me closer. His hands are gripping my clothes so tight, like he doesn't want to let go.
My own hands are all over the place. I've never kissed a man before, I don't quite know what to do with them. One minute they're on his chest, but finding that disconcertingly flat they move on to running through his hair. He won't be happy about that, but I'm beyond caring.
Eventually we part for air with a gasp.
Our foreheads touch together as we both pant for breath. I feel his chest rise and fall against mine. Our eyes meet and we both laugh.
"I see what you meant now." He says with a wry grin.
I laugh again.
"I'm an idiot."
"Me too." He says, nuzzling his face into my hair.
The moment seems to last forever.
"Umm, guys?"
We both look up. I'm horrified to find that half the crew are at the top of the yard, all somehow looking surprised and unsurprised at the same time.
"'Bout time!" One of them shouts from behind a camera that is pointed directly at us.
I wonder what it's going to take to keep that footage off the internet.
Thank you for reading! If you like my work, please consider buying me a coffe [ /A428VFN] it lets me continue making content for everyone. And of course please support Rhett and Link, because 3 Thanks again!
