I sat in a corner of the library, watching him. I could watch him the rest of the time, but for some reason I always liked it better when he didn't know that I was nearby. It was so much… stealthier, I guess. Suddenly he looked up to see me watching him, that sandy hair falling into his eyes. He looked so much better than James did when his hair did that, though I was probably the only person at Hogwarts who thought so. James was the one that everyone was in love with. I would consider myself well liked in comparison, though I am mostly loved by the women. This is both good and bad. No one knows why though. And if there is anything I can do about it, there will be maybe four people who know by the time I leave here. Hopefully Remus will be one of them. In the middle of my musings I suddenly saw him move more than just to write notes or turn a page. He put away his things, and got up to leave. I knew I couldn't follow immediately, it would make him suspicious. I turned to look out the window once he was actually aware of the outside world. At least if he came up now he would just assume I had been doing this the whole time I was there, right?
I was wrong. I went back to the dorms about half an hour later, and there was Remus. Just Remus. James and Wormy seemed to have already gone down for dinner. I blushed as I walked into the room, well aware of his gaze on me from where he sat on his immaculate bed. I walked to my trunk to put away my study materials, trying to hide the sound of my heart thumping. I had been avoiding being alone with him since I figured it out. It is the reason that it is bad that women (or girls) are interested in me. I'm not interested in them. I am acutely aware of the fact that I am interested in men (as I like to think of them.) It started, and continued, with Remus. Ever since I realized that I like him in a more than friendly way I've been trying to hint without hinting, showing him how I feel without really the danger of him figuring it out unless he's really looking for signs. I wish he was looking for signs.
I turned around to find that he had silently moved to be right behind me.
"Sirius." I jumped. Remus was right there, inches from me. My stomach twisted, my heart pounded. I wanted to kiss him, or just touch him, so badly. I've been like this whenever I'm around him for a couple of years. The first day of fourth year, when I saw him on the train, I knew that there was something different in my mind about him. Ever since then I have hoped that the feelings would go away, and in the meantime tried to avoid getting into exactly this situation. Suddenly I realized that I couldn't control myself anymore. I leaned into him, and kissed him swiftly and hard. When I didn't feel him responding I pulled back. Seeing the look in his eyes, my stomach dropped. I looked down, not caring what he did or said anymore. He didn't feel the same about me. As I strode towards the door I didn't bother to grab a coat despite the cold weather, just my cigarettes. I needed to get out of there. Rinse the feeling of disappointment from my veins. I had a feeling that I would be spending a lot of time outdoors in the future. And I was not looking forward to coming back in later to the questions of them all.
