Dear journal,

Dear no one,

Everyday for the last four years I've pretty much followed the same routine; showered, dressed, eat breakfast, hangout with my friends from the wrong side of the track getting high (with school thrown somewhere in the mix) and then come home only to spend the rest of the day in my room avoiding my family because I hated feeling like second choice to my parents and would do anything not to feel like the pathetic girl drowning in her sister's waiting to get noticed by anyone who was willing to look.

Then the accident happened, and everything changed.

I no longer cared that I was Elena's backup or the family screw up. I didn't care to drown my sorrows in beer weed or prescription pills. The appeal of hanging in the back of the school with my friends getting high to avoid life no longer existed for me. I'd changed.

But I wasn't the only one.

Elena was no longer the cheerful socialite but became a bit reclusive and spends most of her time hanging out in the cemetery writing in her diary while Jeremy chose to deal with the pain smoking pot and using recreational drugs.

As for me, I consciously choose to ignore it all. I ignore the pain that Elena and Jeremy are going through and Jeremy's cry for help. I ignore the calls and texts from my former friends wondering where I was and if I were going to join them.

I chose to numb out my pain but not with alcohol or drugs but with ignorance. I pretend that I don't see it because I don't want to deal. I feel enough pain and guilt of my own. I don't need there's.

That left Aunt Jenna with the responsibility of parental figure and while she's trying, it's not exactly the same, but I guess no one really expects it to be.

Until then….

I guess…..

This is the new normal….

Sincerely

Alyssa Gilbert

Alyssa closed her laptop after saving her last journal entry and grabbed her backpack and headed for her bedroom door.

"Toast I can make toast" Alyssa heard Jenna suggest while on her way downstairs. She peered into the kitchen and saw Jenna frantically moving around while was Elena behind her pouring coffee into a cup.

"It's all about the coffee Aunt Jenna" Elena said needing the caffeine boost to get her through the first day off summer break.

Just then Jeremy walked into the kitchen from one of the back rooms and asks, "Is there any?" before starting his searching for a cup in the cabinet next to Elena.

Alyssa stood on the steps watching her siblings and aunt wondering if this were to become her new normal.

"It's your first day of school and I'm totally unprepared." Jenna continued to scramble and Alyssa looked down at her phone after receiving a text message from Matt saying that he would be pulling up in front of the house in ten and Alyssa figured that was the time to show herself to the rest of her family.

"Anything else? A number two" asked Jenna while Alyssa walked into the kitchen replying to Matt's text message. "What am I missing?" Alyssa looked up from her phone.

"Don't you have a big presentation today?" She took an apple from the bowl on the center of the counter and placing down her cell phone and bit into the apple.

"I'm meeting with my thesis advises at" she checked her watch. "Now," she let down her hair. "Crap!"

"Then go" Elena said. "We'll be fine"

Alyssa phone vibrated across the table this time with a text from Matt's older sister Vicki who also happened to be her best friend asking her to meet her at the usually spot before school.

She usually would have avoided that spot since that's where all the stoner kids hung out, but it was starting to turn out to be a rough morning and she didn't know if she could avoid the temptation.

I'll meet you there in twenty. Alyssa replied, it wouldn't take that long for them to get to school since Mystic Falls was a small town in Virginia and everything was practically in walking distance.

She grabbed her phone finished off her apple and walked outside just as Matt pulled up. She wanted to avoid the conversation she knew was coming when Elena stopped Jeremy from leaving again choosing to bury her head in the sand about her brothers problems.

She knew he would have to figure it out on his own just like she had. He had to be the one that wanted to change. They couldn't make that choice for him. She had seen that first hand when the school try to intervene with Vicki and that hadn't done a lot of good.

She knew he would have to hit rock bottom before he would get help. She just hoped that it wouldn't take someone he cared about to die for him to see what he's doing to himself.

"Don't take more than two in a six hour window" Alyssa heard Jeremy warn Vicki when she walked up but of course it would be just like her best friend not to listen and swallowed them all with a smile.

Alyssa just shook her head with a small smile of her own and sat beside her brother taking the joint he offered as Vicki turned to her with a look of eagerness and Alyssa knew the pills were already starting to kick in.

"Please tell me you are officially over that crap of being a productive member of society and this is you coming back to be with your friends" Alyssa didn't really consider any of them other than Vicki as real friends just someone she hung out with so she could get high.

"No," She took a puff and blew out the smoke. "Just taking a break." After her talk with Matt in the car on the way to school about how she was feeling and his constant looks of sympathy she just wanted to unplug out of the real world for a bit before having deal with any more looks of sympathy and pity she got from teachers and classmates who still remembered she was an orphan.

"So," She turned to Jeremy once she started feeling the effects of the joint so, "You're a pill pusher now?"

Before Jeremy could answer they were interrupted by an all too familiar voice and who also happened to be a pain in the eyes of the Gilbert siblings.

"I knew I'd find you with the crack heads" Tyler Lockwood greeted Vicki with.

"Hey" Vicki stood up pressing her lips to his and Alyssa wanted to gag.

When they were done kissing Tyler turned to Alyssa expectantly, "Lyssa" he greeted after letting his eyes trail up the length of her out strength legs up to her face. "I see you back sitting with these losers again"

"Tyler" she replied court standing up and grabbing her bag. "I see you're still content with being and ass" to Vicki she says, "I'll see you later" She turned to Jeremy. "And you stay out of trouble and don't let Elena catch you with that" She reference to what was in his pocket before walking away.

"What's up with the sunglasses" Matt leaned towards Alyssa to ask as she joined him in first period.

"Sudden headache" she took of her sunglasses folding them on the desk. "But I'm starting to feel much better"

He took a closer inspection of her and saw the redness in her eyes "Are you high?"

"What? Me? Noooooo" she whispered the last few o's. "I don't do that anymore member"

He didn't believe her. "What did you take?"

"Nothing. I swear." he gave her a look that said he didn't believe her. "Okay so maybe I smoked a little but it's just to take the edge off"

"Lyssa" he said disapprovingly but she was for a lecture.

"Matt seriously don't. I'm fine. It's just a one time thing. I'll go back to be a modern citizen tomorrow."

He wanted to believe her but they've been best friends since their diaper days. He knew how she knew that it was just a one time thing until she needed to take the edge off knew that from all the years of trying to help Vicki that the more he pushed the more she would rebel.

"Promise" she said when she saw he still wasn't convinced. The last thing she wanted was for him to worry about her.

He did enough of that for Vicki and Kelly. She didn't want to add to his list of people and things to worry about. That seemed to reassure him a little but she knew the subject hadn't been dropped completely.

"So are you going to the party at the falls tomorrow night" Vicki asked laying flat on her stomach while Alyssa sat on the floor of Vicki's bedroom with her back to the bed. "Or does your new and improved lifestyle prohibit you from having fun"

"I swore off pills and weed," Lyssa said though took the joint Vicki offered. "Getting drunk is whole other story."

She took a long drag before passing it up to Vicki. "That reminds me" She turned her knees facing Vicki laying her chin on the edge of the bed wear Vicki head lay.

"What's up with you and Tyler?" Vicki got up and started getting dressed for work. "Are you like dating now?"

"Ty and I are just having fun" she stood in the mirror fussing with her hair.

"Need I remind you that Tyler is Matt's best friend." Vicki stop fussing with her hair deciding to keep it down and turned back to Lyssa. "Not to mention he's a grade A ass who chases anything with a great pair of legs in a skirt. You can do so much better"

"Yeah cause guys are just lining up to ask me out"

Matt knocked on the door interrupting the conversation and both girls turned to him. "Ready to go?" he directed to Vicki who he was giving a ride to work.

"Yeah, just let me go change" she grabbed her uniform hanging on the back of the door and went to the bathroom to change.

"I thought you said it was a one time thing" he repeated the promise she made to him after smelling the smoke in Vicki's room.

"What I believe I said" she slipped on her shoes and stood, "and please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, was tomorrow and being today is not tomorrow I still have a few more hours to take as much or whatever I want"

"It's that why hang out with Vicki, for the drugs" he never saw any other reasons for them to hangout. Aside from the drugs they didn't really have much else in common.

"No," she said followed by a can't believe you just asked me that look. "I like your sister despite whatever you might think. We have a lot in common" she grabbed her jacket draping it across her arm. "For starters we both have holier than thou siblings who we can never measure up to" she said on her way out.

"So your back hanging with the stoner's now?" Tyler held the cube stick in his hands and watched Alyssa take her turn on. "I thought you gave all that up after your parents died" She sunk an second ball into the corner pocket and stood walking to the other side of the table.

"I did." six ball middle pocket. "But I didn't stop being friends with Vicki when I did." she missed the fifth ball right pocket. Tyler took his turn. "Speaking of which, what exactly are you doing with Vicki"

"Vicki and I are just having fun" number 2 striped ball right pocket. "Why" he looked up at her with a suggestive look. "Interested"

"Not even if you were the last person on earth" she took her turn after he missed his next one.

"You never know" he sat his hand on her lower back and pressed his mouth to her ear. "You might like it"

"Ty" Vicki voice came from behind him and they both turned to look at her. "What's going on?"

"Your boy toy was just propositioning me" she sat the cube stick on the table and turned to Tyler. "Touch me again I'll break your wrist"

She stalked off towards Matt who had been sitting down at a booth along the wall. "What was that?"

"Your best friends a douche who's hooking up with your sister" she angrily took her jacket off the back off the chair heading towards the exit.

She stepped outside putting on her jacket. The sky had just gone darker but the lights from the cars street lights and nearby buildings provided enough light to see.

She stepped down from the platform and zipped up her jacket. She had gotten a ride from Matt to the grill and after her encounter with Tyler she just wanted to go home.

But she didn't want to ruin his night by making him take her home so she decided to walk. The fresh air would do her some good.

She stuffed her hands in her jacket pocket and turned left towards town square.

A crow landed on the light post ahead of her and appear to stare at her causing her to stop. "Okay, that's not creepy at all" she began to walk again ignoring the crow as it cawed.A thick patch of fog rolled in and began to surround her and the crow landed on the bench in front of her causing her to slightly jump.

"Forget this" she turned around to head back to the grill when she bumped into someone. "I'm sorry"

"No worries. You know you should be more careful." mystery guy warned. "With all the people going missing you really shouldn't be out here alone"

"I usually am." she turned around but the bird was gone and the fog had disappeared. "Its was just this crow and the fog it was all so Willard, but with a bird" she turned back to him, but he was gone.

"Hey, how was school?" Jenna was sitting at the kitchen table when Alyssa walked through the front door. She decided to take a cab home instead of walk. The whole encounter with the crow creep-ed out.

"The usual" she shrugged and leaned against the wall. "How'd the meeting with your thesis adviser go"

"He didn't call it a totally piece crap so I think I'm on the right track" she got up and walked to the fridge "hungry?"

"I could go for something"

"How about pizza?" she closed the door to the fridge finding it empty.

"Sounds good call me when it's here" she leaned up from the wall and went upstairs to change.

Dear lost and confuse teen,

I did it. I got through another day. I took the looks of sympathy and I'm sorry with a smile and a thank you. It was hard and I didn't escape the day without having a setback but I hear that's expected.

I'm looking for progress and not perfection, take it one day at a time. Hopefully, that will be enough.

"The Battle of Willow Creek took place right at the end of the war in our very own Mystic Falls"

"So are you going to the party at the falls?" Matt leaned into whisper to Alyssa to ask during Tanners lecture.

"Yeah, I think it's bout time I start getting back to fun"

"You getting high in Vicki's room wasn't fun enough"

"That was a one time thing; a small hiccup in the road to a successful recovery" she assured him and smiled. "Besides getting drunk is so much more fun"

"Yeah and so is the hangover" he replied sarcastically before getting called on by Tanner.

"Would you like to take this opportunity to overcome your embedded jock stereotype?"

"It's okay, Mr. Tanner, I'm cool with it." Lyssa smiled at Matt's answer which drew Tanners attention.

"Ms. Gilbert, Surely you can enlighten us about one of the town's most significantly historical events?"

"You're the History teacher. Don't you get paid to know these things"Tanner stared at her unimpressed before turning to Elena.

"What about you Elena? Care to help out your sister"

"I'm sorry, I-I don't know." was her stuttered reply.

"I was willing to be lenient last year for obvious reasons, Elena. But the personal excuses ended with summer break."

"There were 346 casualties. Unless you're counting local civilians." Alyssa turned to the person that answer.

"That's correct. Mister. . .?"

"Salvatore."

"Salvatore?" Tanner seemed intrigued "Any relation to the original settlers here at Mystic Falls?"

"Distant."

"Well, very good. Except, of course, there were no civilian casualties in this battle."

"Actually, there were 27, sir. Confederate soldiers, they fired on the church, believing it to be housing weapons. They were wrong. It was a night of great loss. The founder's archives are, uh, stored in civil hall if you'd like to brush up on your facts. Mr. Tanner."

"Hmm."

"You have to admit Stefan showing up Tanner was pretty awesome" Lyssa said carrying her tray to an empty table in the lunch room. "It was about time he got Tannered, or is it Salvatore"

Matt sat across from her. "Whatever it is Elena seemed impressed"

"Okay new deal," she leaned forward cupping her hands together over her tray. She was tired of his whole poor me attitude. Matt popped open his soda."Since I promised to be a hundred percent honest with you when I'm not able to deal you have to promise me you'll stop pinning over Elena. She dumped you. It's time to move on. She has."

"Well it's not that easy for me." Lyssa popped the top on her sprite and took a sip. "We have history"

"And it's still there." She shrugged "It's just in a diminished capacity. Doesn't mean you can't make new memories. They'll just be different"

"You know for your pretty smart for a druggie." he teased with a light smile.

"Ha ha" she tossed a fry at him and he laughed. "I did skip a grade you know

"Yeah despite being a druggie"

"Your an ass" she smiled in good fun and picked up her tray standing up. "Pick me up at eight."

"Yeah"

She dumped her tray of food and left the cafeteria.

"So you and Matt seem to be getting pretty close" Elena commented as they stood side by side in the bathroom mirror. She noticed the amount of time the two of them spent together and wondered if she should be worried.

"Well we are friends" She replied applying a little blush to her cheeks.

"I know" she sat down her gloss and turned to her. "I just don't want you to get the wrong idea"

"I know where I stand with Matt" She fluffed out her dark hair which she did in loose curls and meet her eyes in the mirror. "Dont worry" she turned to her after her makeup and hair was done. "Besides, I don't do sloppy seconds" she grabbed her purse and left the bathroom.

"Well you look miserable" Tyler walked over to Lyssa carrying a near empty bottle. "Maybe you should find one of your drug dealing friends and take something. It'll loosen you up. You're so much more fun that way."

"Screw you Tyler" she said walking away but he grabbed her wrist.

"Hey, I was only playing. Don't be so sensitive. You know you use to be a lot more fun"

She pushed him away pulling her arm out of his grip. "To bad you're still the same ass you've always been"

"You use to love have sex with this ass"

"A mistake I'll never make again." she assured him and walked away. She stopped by a cooler and picked up a beer.

Matt witness the exchange between Tyler and Lyssa even though he couldn't hear her he could tell she was upset and followed her.

"Hey" he stopped her by grabbing her wrist. "What was that's all about with Tyler"

"Why don't you ask him? I'm sure he'd be thrilled to you" she wrenched her wrist out of his hand and walked away.

An hour into the party Lyssa wandered away stumbling into the woods as she finished off her fourth beer. She was starting to seriously feel the effects of the alcohol.

She tossed the empty can of beer on the ground and tripped on something taking her down to the sat on her bottom wiping her hands on her jeans preparing to stand when she saw a body lying on the ground.

"Vicki" she near whispered catching a glimpse of the bite mark. "Somebody help!" she yelled removing the scarf around her neck and pressed it to the womb to stop the bleeding and pulled out her phone with her other hand. "Vicki you're going to be okay. Yes I need an ambulance at the falls"

"Vicki" she heard Jeremy say and she turned to see Elena and Jeremy.

"Jeremy help me get her up" she instructed standing up and Jeremy carried her out of the woods.

"Hey. We're gonna go to Mainline Coffee, wait for news." Bonnie opened the invitation to Elena join.

"I gotta take Jeremy home."

Alyssa heard overheard Bonnie's invitation to wait for news and walked over to ask."Mind if I tag along"

Normally she wouldn't want to be caught anywhere Elena's friends but visiting hours were way past over and she couldn't just sit at home and wait for news.

Bonnie looked over at Elena first who nodded her permission before Bonnie said with a little uncertainty "Yeah sure"

"Thanks, I'm going to find Her" she directed to Elena before walking away.

Jeremy is drinking a beer. Alyssa arrives while the cops search the area behind them.

"You know I'm pretty sure those people in uniforms behind you are police and last I checked underage drinking was still illegal"

He tossed the beer bottle behind him when he was done. "Don't start"

"Somebody has to Jer, people don't care that our parents are dead. The orphan excuse has long past run out and they're going to stop giving you breaks. I know it hurts and What happened is not fair but we all have to find a way to move on"

"I've seen Elena sitting in the cemetery writing in her diary. And you get high whenever you can't deal. Is that's suppose to be moving on?"

"No" she sighed knowing he was right. She could speak all the pretty words of encouragement she wanted doesn't change the fact that that's all the were, words. "Its called coping. We just have to find better ways of doing that. In a way mom and dad would approve of."

"Jenna's here" Elena walked up to her siblings. "Bonnie took off she had to get Caroline home but I'm sure Jenna could drop you off at the grill. That's where everyone's waiting."

"It's cool I think I'm just going to go home and wait for news." she knew Matt would call her when he found out something and she wanted to there for Jeremy. If she expected him to change then she had to change herself.

"Okay" Elena led her younger siblings to where Jenna was parked and Alyssa wrapped an arm around Jeremy.

"It's warmer in the house. We can talk. Would you like to come in?"

Alyssa heard her sister's invitation from in the kitchen where she was making two cups of coffee.

"Yes" a masculine voice replied and Lyssa carried the two cups upstairs just as Stefan walked in.

Jeremy sat up when Alyssa walked in. "Who was at door"

"Stefan" Lyssa handed Jeremy a cup of coffee, black before sitting beside him on the bed. "For Elena" she crossed her legs carefully cradling her coffee.

"So what they're a thing now?" he'd seen them together at the party but wasn't sure.

"I don't know but I think Elena wants them to be" she didn't keep up with her sisters romantic entanglements. He took a sip of his coffee and she redirected the conversation. "So how are you holding up?" he glanced at her side ways. "I saw the look on your face when we found her.

"You really care about her"

"Have you heard anything?"

"No" she texted Matt when she got in but hadn't heard anything.

"I'm really worried about her"

"Yeah," she wrapped her arms around his waist and put her head on his shoulder knowing that he wasn't just talking about tonight. "Me too"

The pair was silent for a long minute before Jeremy asked, "what was that with you and Tyler?"

"We use to date." she could feel Jeremy's eyes on her and raised her head up to look at him. "Sorta, it's a long story"

"Oh this I have gotta hear"

"Later," she kissed the top of his head affectionately. "Get sleep"

She got off the bed leaving a bottle of aspirin on his desk for the headache.

He smiled watching her leave and thought maybe things were starting to turn around after all.