AN: So this is just a short story about everyone's favourite Durin boys. And yes I'm going to say right now the feels are going to be IMMENSE. Also I'm warning people now this story does contain stuff about depression and self - harm. So if anyone thinks this might be a trigger I'm letting you know now.
More Than Words
Half breed
Elf spawn
Mongrel
Bastard
Kili shook his head, trying to push the words from his mind. Every day he told himself that they were just words. They didn't mean anything and they certainly weren't true. At least that's what Fili always said. For the past few decades Fili had always been the one to comfort his crying brother. Every time Kili had let the words hurt him it had always been Fili to dry his eyes and make him see that the words would only mean something if he let them affect him. Pulling his thick coat around him Kili made sure he kept his head down as he made his way through the narrow streets of Ered Luin. This was done for two reasons. One: He was the nephew of Thorin Oakenshield and as such he was far from unrecognisable. Two: He didn't want any of the idiots who usually tormented him to do so today. Not that he was ever in the mood for such words, today he was far from it.
Half breed
Elf spawn
Mongrel
Bastard
It was the last word that always hurt him the most. They all meant the same thing but 'bastard' made it sound official. It made it sound true. Not to mention that it was the biggest insult to give a dwarf. Gripping his sword hilt Kili bit his lip. He cursed himself for being so pathetic that he allowed the words to affect him. Fili had always told him that the words would only hurt if he allowed them to do so. But Fili wasn't the one being told they were a bastard. He had no idea what it was like to hear such words. If Kili knew his family loved him then it wouldn't be so bad. He'd be able to comfort himself in the fact that it was only a few ignorant people who thought such things. He knew Fili didn't believe them for a second. But Thorin? Thorin might not believe that Kili's father was an elf but Kili couldn't think of another reason for the way Thorin treated him. He was always treated like an outsider and Kili had often seen his uncle looking at him with disapproval every time he got his bow out. Kili sighed. He couldn't help it that he couldn't lift an axe. He had never planned on being born a month early in the middle of winter. He never planned on being so weak and small his survival chances were low. He just wanted to be treated the way Fili was treated. With pride and love.
A few people called out to him as he passed. Not to make comments but just to say hello or ask how he was. Lowering his head Kili ignored them. He didn't want to talk to anyone today. He had just wanted to spend time with Fili. He knew he had to tell his brother what had been going on. Fili knew that people often bullied Kili. But he didn't know the truth of it. Kili only ever spoke about what he couldn't hide. And even then he made every effort not to let his brother see the bruises on his body. The scars on his arms and sides. Pulling his coat around him, Kili only looked up when he realised he was now outside the gates of Ered Luin and heading towards the huge forest that surrounded it. Sometime she often forgot dwarves lived in mountains. Although his home was the Blue Mountains the mountains themselves weren't actually his home. Instead the dwarves of Erebor had been forced to build their homes outside the mountain as it was too dangerous to do otherwise. Kili didn't really care. He liked the outdoors. He liked the fact that he could look up and see the sky. Hear the birds in the trees. One hand patted his pocket on the inside of his coat. Yet another reason people sought to make his life a misery. How could he be a proper dwarf if he liked living near trees? Keeping his head down Kili hurried through the forest until he found what he was looking for. To most dwarves the trees all looked to the same. But Kili had been out here long enough to know the difference between them. He knew which an Oak tree was and which an Ash tree was.
Kili came to a halt as he reached what was easily the biggest Oak tree in the whole forest. Rubbing his hands together he reached up and grabbed hold of the lowest branch and pulled himself up. It didn't take Kili long to reach halfway. If he had wanted to he could have gone all the way to the top. But he didn't need to. Sitting down on a thick branch Kili rested his back against the trunk and sighed. Up here it was far more peaceful. He didn't have to think about anything if he didn't want to.
Half breed
Elf spawn
Mongrel
Bastard
Shaking his head Kili reached into his pocket and brought out his notebook. He hadn't told anyone about this. Not even Fili. Although Kili had a feeling his brother knew about it given the amount of times he'd accidently left it lying around. He'd often walked in to see Fili looking at it. One time he'd even had it in his hand. That had been the only time Kili had yelled at his brother.
"Give that back!" Kili clenched his fists. Fili frowned at the sudden anger in his voice. However he simply placed the notebook back on the bed and stepped away with his hands in the air. Kili hurried towards it and shoved it in his coat pocket. He wanted to see if Fili had looked through it at all. But he knew his brother would never do that to him.
"I haven't been snooping Kee," Fili sounded hurt at the idea that Kili would accuse him of that. Lowering his head Kili bit his lip. He hadn't meant to get so mad at Fili. He'd just seen him holding the notebook and he'd flipped. He didn't want Fili to see what was inside. Not only would his brother probably laugh at him for his failed attempts at poetry but he couldn't have Fili know how unhappy he really was. If Fili knew the truth..?
"Just…just don't touch it alright! It's mine!" He sounded like a pouting child and he hated it. Fili nodded and Kili could see the irritation in his eyes.
"Fine Kili. I don't care anyway. It's your notebook."
Fili pushed past him roughly and into the corridor. Kili shut his eyes. He didn't like fighting with Fili. He was the only one who Kili could bear being with. Fili was his brother after all.
Opening his eyes Kili flicked through the notebook. Along with some lines of poems he'd filled some of the pages with drawings. He wasn't exactly a great master of art. But he got bored far easier than Fili did and when he was younger his mother would give him some paper and a pencil and leave him too it. Within a few years Kili had managed to develop some sort of skill. A hollow laugh came from his throat; yet another thing that marked him out as a failure. He was a prince by rights. Princes were supposed to fight battles and rule kingdoms. Not sit around writing poems and drawing pictures. Kili looked down at the most recent page of his notebook.
"Standing there so quietly,
A stone cold figure in solitary.
You cannot see the decaying stone."
"Very cheerful." Kili muttered. He'd written it last week after the argument with Fili. Tapping the pen against his forehead he scribbled hurriedly. They weren't perfect but at least they were something.
"Instead I am just left alone, to be forgotten.
The irreparable damage making me lost and broken."
He'd had the idea of writing poetry as a way to explain how he felt inside. Kili found it hard to keep silent, but talking about his deepest feelings was something he just couldn't do. He was scared of what people would say to him. That they would patronise him and pity him. He didn't want that.
He just wanted to be happy again.
Aww poor Kili! One chapter in and I want to hug him to death already! In case you're worrying this isn't going to have a sad ending. I can't bring myself to do them, especially not with these two so just sit tight and things will get better in time. Also the poem Kili writes is one I did myself (hence why it's not the greatest) Let me know what you all think xx
