Chapter One
Katie's POV:
"We're not doing this again." I sighed and dropped my laundry basket on my bed. I set the phone down and put Kendall on speaker so I could work.
"Katie, I agreed to help you. Lucy and I did. But that doesn't mean I suddenly stopped pushing you to be responsible and do the right thing." Kendall still gave me lectures even though I was twenty-three. I was still his baby sister.
"I'm not trying to avoid responsibility-"
"Yes you are." He wasn't taking any of my crap today. "Look, Katie, I've respected your secret. Do you know how many times I've seen him hold his kid with him believing it's mine? Do you know how much that makes me hurt for him?"
"Of course I understand!" I cried, passion overtaking my usual composure. "That's exactly why I don't come to Christmas with you guys! It's hard enough seeing Nicholas grow up with you because I couldn't handle it, it's another thing to see James and know he and I can never have something together, and on top of all that I have to watch him play with his son and he has no idea it's his."
"Katieā¦.wow. Do you hear yourself?" He took a deep breath. "You need to tell him. This is a mess."
"You knew it would be a mess. And you promised." I felt a familiar fear creep on me. Sometimes no matter how deeply Kendall made a promise, his overarching desire to do the right thing would win in the end. I trusted Kendall, for the most part. But he had tried this conversation multiple times since Nick's fifth birthday and I knew it was getting rough on him, keeping something this big from his best friend.
"I did promise, which is why I still will not tell him. I don't even hint. And he has no idea. But I want you to own up and do the right thing for James. Nick. Yourself."
"I'm not coming to Christmas. I'm coming the day after, just like we've done before. I only want to see you, Mom, Nicholas, and Lucy." I bit my lip, my hands pausing on a shirt I had worn my first day of senior year of high school. The shirt I had worn when I had kissed him. "Does he ask about me?" I asked the question quietly, before I could stop my curiosity from taking over.
"All the time." Kendall replied softly. "You know he hasn't seriously dated anyone since you." I scoffed and put a hand to my head. I had made a pretty mess of this. I knew that. And sometimes I wanted to just start it all over.
"I can't see him." I whispered.
"Katie, are you ok? Are you crying?"
"No." I lied. I sniffed and wiped my nose on my shirt. "Please don't expect me to come to Christmas with James."
"I won't expect you to. No one does. We just want you to."
"I have to go." I looked up and took some deep breaths. "I'm going to workout I think."
"Katie, don't overdo it."
"I'm fine!" I snapped. "I'll see you at dinner tomorrow."
"Lucy is making stir fry."
"Sounds good."
"See you then." He hung up. I let out a shaky sob before composing myself. I fell down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I had every right not to want to see James. I had only seen him twice in the past five years and both times were not planned. He was the father of my son. Every time I looked at Nicholas I saw James. I saw him enough.
I had had feelings for James since middle school, watching him chase models and popstars, watching him rise to fame, watching him mature. He had always seemed so out of my league. He was older, gorgeous, perfect. He was my brother. But he wasn't. And I started to realize that. Before the band split up, before he moved out, something came over me. I saw a chance and I took it. I kissed him. And that was the beginning to the best few months of my life. We started dating, that beautiful boy and me. He had eyes only for me, even though I was a nobody, a gangly little thing that didn't know how to express her feelings. I was eighteen and completely in love with James Diamond. I taught him to take what the world had to offer and he taught me how to care only about what really mattered. Kendall was suspicious at first, the protective big brother in him telling him that James only wanted to get in my pants. And he definitely did that too. But James had matured. And eventually Kendall decided that James was a good fit for me.
It was at the end of my senior year of high school that things just fell apart. James got accepted to University of Southern California and I got accepted to Berkeley. We knew that long distance was something that didn't seem too daunting. I also knew that I could turn Berkeley down and go somewhere closer to James. And then Nicholas decided it for me. The day after I graduated I went to the doctor due to feeling sick often. And I discovered I was pregnant. I made the decision without a second opinion. I would have the baby. But I wouldn't tell James. It would completely ruin his future, the plans he had worked so hard on since his music career had stalled them. I had a quick summer of goodbyes, hiding my situation, and a lot of crying in my room. Saying goodbye to James was the hardest. I drove him to his new apartment and when we hugged, when he held me, I knew our child was between us. And he had no idea.
As soon as I was back in LA with Kendall, I told him. Needless to say, he was shocked when I broke the news I was four months pregnant. Surprisingly, Lucy wasn't.
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Flashback:
"Let me get this straight," Kendall paced the room, anger clear on his face, "you are moving six hours away from James, pregnant with his kid, and you didn't tell him?" he bellowed. I flinched and Lucy took my hand sympathetically.
"Six hours and eleven minutes, technically." I mumbled. Wrong thing to say.
"Are you an idiot? You're an adult! You need to tell him, and rise to the occasion! Not to mention I'm going to kill him for not using protection!"
"Kendall, stop. She's hurting." Lucy tried to calm her husband down.
"She should be! Do you realize what she's done? She thinks she can raise this kid on her own! She was planning on never telling him! That's the most indecent, cruel thing I think she's ever done!"
"I'm not going to abort it! I have no other choice!" I defended myself.
"Yes you do." Kendall ground out, his voice dark and low. Lucy looked up, sensing his heavy heart. "You're going to have the kid. And Lucy and I will raise it."
"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Lucy looked to Kendall, questions in her eyes.
"Kendall, are we really ready to-"
"Yes." He took Lucy's hand and led her over away from me. "Luce, we can't let her raise that kid. She's not ready. We're married, have a place, we can afford to raise it. Do I want to? No. Do I like the situation? No. But, what do you think? Can you commit to doing this with me?"
"Yes." She agreed quietly. "Though this changes a lot of the plans we had."
"We did plan to have kids relatively soon." Kendall added softly.
"Not your sister's kid."
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And it played out like that. I went to Berkeley, lived in an apartment with a few friends, did online classes for my last trimester. When I had Nicholas (the most precious day of my life), Kendall and Lucy took him home as theirs. When anyone asked, they said they had adopted. No one had seen me grow fat with a kid, considering I was hiding away. When I would come back to LA to visit, I looked like my usual self. I would see Nicholas around eight times a year. It hurt to know that he was mine, ours, and I was missing his first steps, his first tooth. But I knew it was for the best. Kendall and Lucy ended up adoring him, but they let me pick his name. Nicholas, because James said it was his favorite name for a boy. Nicholas James Diamond. A strong name. For a strong boy. Lucy often tells me that Nicholas was a blessing in disguise. She didn't think she'd like being a mother, but that she and Kendall have never been happier. Glad at least some people are happy.
Once I got to Berkeley I told James that a long distance relationship wouldn't work for me. That we both needed to live our own lives. That I didn't want to hold him back. And then I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told him I couldn't love him anymore. And I told him to find someone else that did a better job of it. And I ended contact.
I saw him two times after Nicholas was born. The first was when Kendall invited me over on a long weekend to hang with him and Nick. I walked into his apartment and heard James' voice before anything else. I spied around the corner in the living room for a few minutes and watched James play with Nick. And then I turned around and sobbed the whole way back to Berkeley.
The other time James actually appeared at Berkeley. I was coming out of a class with some friends on the second floor and as I looked over the balcony into the lobby I saw him talking with a few guys from the masters program. And he saw me. I saw his eyes widen for a few moments and I turned away quickly. When I looked back, he was walking out, not even a glance behind him. I still don't know why he was even there.
And that brings us back to the present. Kendall was on my case about coming to family Christmas at his place with all the guys and Mom. And just like every other year, I was saying no. I hopped off my bed and grabbed my sports bra. It was time to hit the gym. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. I didn't have time to deal with Kendall when I was at work. Not at my own talent agency, yet, but being a scout was a good deal for now.
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Kendall's POV:
"She is the most stubborn person I know." I threw my phone on the couch in frustration.
"She didn't want to come." Lucy guessed, coming into the living room while drying a plate. Nick came running in after her.
"She used to be so unpredictable and we'd complain about that. Now she's too predictable. She just says no to everything. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I handled the unpredictability better."
"I know." Lucy frowned in sympathy. "But at least she's talking to you. And she still sends a check every month even though you told her she didn't have to."
"She cares." I agreed.
"Daddy, let me show you what I made in school today!" Nick was pulling on my jeans. Lucy smiled fondly. I knelt down to Nick's level.
"What did you make, pal?" I looked at the paper he was holding.
"A snowman!" Nick handed the floppy, white stack of circles to me. I chuckled. "See the nose?" he pointed proudly to the carrot he had drawn.
"Very good." I ruffled his hair. "We'll need to hang this up, since it is December."
"Christmas!" Nick shouted, knowing that the December meant presents.
"Yep." I stood up and went looking for the tape.
"Did Katie say she was still coming for dinner tomorrow?" Lucy called.
"Yeah, she said she was still coming." I returned with a piece of tape and hung the snowman on the window so you could see it from the street, just like Mom used to do with us.
"Cats can see him!" Nick clapped. "Perfect!"
"It is perfect." Lucy wrapped her arms around me and smiled. "Kendall, I don't think you realize what a great guy you are."
"What do you mean?" we watched as Nick went running to his room.
"You sacrificed for your sister and are still sacrificing for her, and now her child."
"It still doesn't feel right to call him ours, does it?" I caught her words.
"Not completely." She agreed. "But I would raise him for my whole life if she asked us to."
"So would I." I smiled fondly down at her. "Quick, give me a kiss." I pulled her in and enjoyed a deep kiss with the only girl to ever question my musical ability. She pulled back and gave me a look. "What?"
"I'm pregnant."
