Did you know that the human body requires physical connection? It is one of the most important modes of communication to the human race. It is the ornamentation of replicating our feelings from words into actions. Needed. Required. Longed for.
That's what it was for me. It was something I needed more than anything, but yet I was the only one who was completely barren of it.
I, Reyna Avila Ramírez - Arellano, needed to be held and touched.
Quite a surprise, isn't it?
I needed to be loved, and yet I was always on the opposite side of unreturned feelings. I confessed my love but they never accepted or returned it.
I suppose that's why I'm so "cold and distant" as put by Drew Tanaka. Never did I think I would receive love advice from a daughter of Venus. Never did I think I would find truth in her words.
It all started on a visit to Camp Half Blood. Annabeth had IMed me the day before, saying she missed me. For awhile, these secret conversations had been going on. She would call me, I was usually awake while she was incredibly tired. Relieved of my preatorship duties at 7 o'clock, it took me an hour to shower and make dinner for myself. Usually, I went on a small walk before that. By the time I was actually in bed, it was around 8:30. For Annabeth, it was 11:30 at Camp Half Blood, but yet, she still called every single night.
When our calls first began, I told her I was still busy when she was usually going to bed. She had seemed slightly irritated with my mood that day, and I didn't expect anymore Iris messages.
But 8:33 on the dot, she called the next night. I was surprised, given it was so late for her, almost midnight.
Something had been wrong, I could tell immediately. There was such a broken look in her eyes when she apologized for calling since she had told me the day before,"fine! If you don't want to talk then I guess we won't!"
I could tell our small argument wasn't the source of her distress however.
Annabeth's brows knit in anger and I noticed just how tired she looked. That was when she told me everything.
Apparently, her and Percy had gotten into a large fight and they had broken up. I couldn't say I was surprised, I had always thought Annabeth was too good for him.
My feelings for him were short lived to say the least. The absence of Jason when he went missing left a hole in my heart, although I realized the hole had been there all along. My feelings for Jason had never been true, and neither had the ones been for Percy. I was so endowed by the thought of having someone to love that it felt as if my brain had tricked me into falling for people. I knew that deep down.
As Annabeth explained the cause of their fight, my eyes had filled with such intense rage, I had wanted to leave for Camp Half Blood that exact moment.
"We were talking. It was good, right? Percy made a comment about a girl from the Ares cabin, saying he had seen her making out with a daughter of Aphrodite. I thought nothing of it as I read my book. However, I made a comment, asking him what was wrong with that?" Annabeth had started to tell the story, tears already forming in her eyes. "He said he had seen the girl kissing a boy weeks ago and that it was nasty that she had switched just like that. Without thinking, gods, I wish I wouldn't have been so careless, I said, girls are pretty too, who's to judge who she wants to kiss?"
Annabeth looked down as she threw her face into her hands, pulling at her beautiful blond locks. In that moment, I wanted to reach through the IM and stop her. I wanted to hold her and tell her it was okay.
"Percy was silent for a good two minutes when he asked me if I had ever thought about kissing girls. I still wasn't aware of the fact he seemed to be getting angry. If I would've just put down my stupid book, I could've stopped myself from saying what I did," Annabeth spoke with a sigh, a few tears running down her cheeks. "I told him the truth. I had thought about kissing girls before, in fact before we departed for our next quest when we were 13. I had shared my first kiss with a daughter of Ares. That had set him off, given he had always assumed my first kiss was with him."
Annabeth had shook her head, as if she could dispel the fight through doing it. She didn't have to explain anymore than that, because I knew. I knew it could have only gone more downhill from there.
After that, we Iris Messaged every day, the exact same time. Annabeth was never a beat late or early. We talked about all that we could until she finally told me she had to sleep.
It was a habit. It was a normality.
So when Annabeth had Iris messaged me one day, telling me she really missed me, I couldn't stop myself. I told Frank I was needed in Camp Half Blood.
It was wrong of me. It was so wrong of me to abandon my duties like that but given Frank had done the same a few times, he accepted it without a question.
Annabeth hadn't been expecting me, but gods, the look on her face when I came over the hill, it was glorious. The hot sun baked down on the camp as I stood at the top of the hill. My arrival had alerted the guards and most of the camp was gathered at the bottom of the hill for my appearance.
Annabeth stood in the crowd, but I had spotted her almost immediately. Her eyes were the same beautiful silver that they had been the first time we met. Although, they were curious, like she wasn't sure if it was actually me.
As I stepped out of the chariot, I was announced and the crowd cheered as I began my way down the hill. The kids in orange shirts clapped their hands and cheered as a faint smile etched its way onto my lips.
Annabeth managed to push ahead of the crowd, standing in the middle with her shoulders held high. I wasn't sure what I expected to happen, but it certainly wasn't was came next.
She ran forward, tears already in her eyes. I couldn't have seen them in her eyes at such a distance, but now they were clear. The speed of her approach was quick as her arms lifted and we were touching.
I was pushed back a few steps as her arms locked around my neck, my breath hitching. My balance was caught and without thinking, I embraced her. I held onto her tightly as I spun her around, her feet finally landing with a soft thud.
She didn't let go however, and I didn't want her to. My fingers curled in her curly hair as the camp became silent. I could feel everyone's eyes on us as finally, I broke the hug.
I hadn't wanted to because something had happened inside me when she hugged me. It felt like the hug years ago after the war on Gaia. Something in me was missing, and the short moment with Annabeth had filled whatever I longed for.
Her grey eyes met mine, so gentle and soft. It seemed like the held galaxies in them, the secrets of the universe.
In that second, I felt as if Annabeth had taken away all my pain, and then coldly, so coldly, my thoughts were drawn to a distant memory. A memory so faded, I had forgotten it was there until I looked into her eyes.
"You will not find love where you wish or where you hope. No demigod shall heal your heart."
That thought obliterated any conscious idea that maybe Annabeth could be more than a friend. It completely destroyed it like a tidal wave to a small coastal plain. There was no hope for me.
And so my visit became something more of business, rather to see her. I never admitted to her that I had came because she said she missed me more than anything.
That was why when Drew Tanaka, daughter of Aphrodite pulled me into her cabin, I had been terrified. It was an odd feeling, well, the only other time I felt it was when the seven had left on their quest. I felt fear, yes but this was a different sensation. It was definitely not appreciated.
"So, you're Reyna, right?" Drew asked, her tone filled with the snobbiness that I had despised when I first arrived in America.
"Yes," I answered simply, my gaze firm and steady.
"Well, I'm sure you know who I am," Drew replied as she looked down at her nails. "Oh you can have a seat, this is going to take awhile."
Hesitantly, I did take a seat on one of the beds. I wasn't sure why I didn't just stomp right out of there. Now looking back on it, I wish I really did.
"What is the meaning of you dragging me in here?" I questioned, my nostrils burning with the smell of perfume and hair spray. It was hard to believe Piper could survive living here.
"Oh right. So first, you should let us give you a makeover," Drew spoke as my eyebrows knit.
"Us?" I asked, watching as she threw a thin finger towards the end of the cabin. My gaze followed and I nearly jumped back when I saw multiple kids sticking their heads out of the bathroom.
Quickly, I cleared my throat, trying to appear as if I hadn't been scared by their presence. "Thank you for the offer, but I don't really do makeup," I turned her down, beginning to stand up and leave. Drew didn't even bat an eyelash when she said,"Don't you want to look pretty for Annabeth?"
My gaze narrowed, my expression filled with anger as I turned around, my fists clenching. "What?"
Drew smirked as she finally looked up at me, sliding a leg across her other. "My mom had some words, she wanted you to hear. Regarding a past statement she may or may have not made to you."
Immediately, my expression became something of sadness but I easily hid it. Unamused, I looked down at her, never tilting my head to fully address her. "What did she say?" I questioned, feigning little interest in what she said. However, at the sound of Drew speaking those words, I would do anything for her to tell me.
"If you want us to tell you. You've got to let us do something about your hair, and face. We think a new look will cure you of your cold and distant disease," Drew said as she pointed a lazy finger at me. I glared at her and shook my head.
"Where is Piper?" I asked, wondering where the cabin leader could be. I wanted her here to stop this nonsense.
"Do you want to know or not?"
I sighed, looking around before I nodded. The kids hiding in the bathroom emerged, holding bags of makeup. It felt like I was swallowed whole as they all began talking loudly and sat me down in a chair in front of a mirror.
My eyes were drawn to my reflection. Was I really that ugly? I knew Piper had talked about the Aphrodite kids being stuck up and into everyone's business, but I didn't think Drew would point at me and basically call me hideous. However, this was the price I was to pay for the words of Aphrodite.
The other people started untangling my braid, many of them making comments about how I could do so much more with it. My eyes rolled as I shook my head. I liked my hair to be braided, and preferably, I liked when Annabeth braided it whenever she visited Camp Jupiter.
"So, my mom. First of all, let me tell you. Venus, is a bitch. Like my mom is a bitch, but Venus is a bigger bitch. Did you know she like despised Bellona???" Drew spoke, her tone one of a gossipy manner.
"Yes, because Bellona is the goddess of war and Mars is too. But he envied my mother's power," I replied carelessly as Drew started putting foundation on me.
"Exactly!" She answered as she put her hand on her hip like this was the largest revelation known to man. "Turns out, you weren't destined to find love where you wanted to. Tell me, did you like seriously try to be straight. Like force it upon yourself?"
All the Aphrodite children became silent as I swallowed, trying to decide whether or not this was the time or place to out myself. I knew the moment I told them, the rumour would spread across camp like wildfire.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I answered firmly, gripping the arms of the chair I was seated in.
"Ugh well, we all know your gay which is totes okay so my mom said basically, you'll feel her wrath and stuff but that a certain daughter of Athena will not heal your heart since it wasn't meant to be healed but instead mend it," Drew explained as she continued to put makeup on me.
"Um...that didn't really make sense," I admitted, confused by her words.
"Do you want her actual fancy spiel?"
"That would be appreciated," I said with a small nod. Drew took a paper out of her pocket and began to read.
" What Love brings, shall only be pain and death.
But this is a certain way to go with your final breath
Fraying grey like a storm, a heart that needs healing is hard to hold
So instead she will mend it until you grow old "
Reyna gave Drew the nastiest look she could muster. "You brought me in here to tell me that? That clears literally nothing, in fact, it makes me feel worse!" Reyna exclaimed as Drew took a step back. "That doesn't even say anything about Annabeth or who this person will be."
Reyna watched as every sibling, in perfect time, rolled their eyes at the same moment. It sent chills down Reyna's spine.
"Please, everyone knows how close you guys are. Like we watched you both eye fuck on the hill when you got here so..." Drew looked to her siblings and they all responded with their own replies. "The point is. She's your dream girl, and we're setting you up with her."
"You can't do that. Annabeth doesn't like me like that," I responded as Drew started putting mascara on me.
"Sure she does! All she needs is a little realization," Drew answered as she finished my makeup. I stared in the mirror, completely shocked. I barely looked like myself. "Wow, you actually clean up pretty nice. You should let us do your makeup more often," Drew said as her siblings finished curling my hair. I didn't understand how it was much different and appealing but it was kind of nice. I pulled it over my shoulder, noticing how big of a change this was. I looked like a new person.
"You know Reyna. Aside from your ratchet looks, you're actually a decent person. We know you're all tough and bossy but let's be honest here, you're a cute little lesbian," Drew spoke as I raised my eyebrows. Had I really just heard that right? Did she really just call me a cute little lesbian? "You long for the love of someone. Anyone, but specifically her. You are a hard worker who sees life go on around her but never makes contact with it. Why? Because it's your duty to make sure that life goes on. The moment you think about having a piece of pleasure, you're drawn in so deeply it feels like you're drowning."
My eyes were wide as I slowly turned and looked up at her. Drew had the smuggest little look on her face because she knew. She knew she was completely correct. That was when I knew, the words she spoke were true, because I had needed someone else to say them before I could truly accept them.
"DREW TANAKA! WHERE IS REYNA?" Somebody screamed outside and I leaned forward, peering out the window. I was heavily distressed to see Annabeth standing there in all her glory. There were fresh cuts on her legs and arms, which I assumed were from training. My lips pulled into a slight frown, worried she had gotten hurt before I watched her start marching towards the cabin.
"Wow. Ten minutes early. It's a good thing we worked quick guys," Drew spoke as she high fives her siblings. None of them even flinched when the door was thrown open by Annabeth, as if it was a normal thing.
Her chest was heaving, and gods it took so much effort not to stare directly at the area. Annabeth's eyes narrowed as she scanned the cabin, until she saw me. Her expression became confused as she squinted, and then looked taken aback.
"Reyna?" She questioned, obviously having trouble believing it was me. I offered a small smile as Drew strutted forward.
"Pretty isn't she? If I were a lesbian, I would definitely hop on that," Drew said as Annabeth's face turned red as a tomato. She walked forward and grabbed my hand, pulling me up and out of the cabin.
"I'll be talking to Piper about this!" Annabeth yelled as she turned around, her fingers still intertwined with mine. I looked back at the Aphrodite kids who were crowded around the door.
Drew stood in the middle, her arms crossed as she leaned on her hip. She blew a kiss and winked before being sucked back into the cabin before the door was shut.
I turned to Annabeth, and something was triggered inside of my heart. She pulled me forward and I went along willingly, watching as she gently touched my face.
Her hands were calloused from fighting, but they felt just as soft as I had once known them. The memories of her grabbing my arm to pull me in for a hug were engraved into my head. Yet, when she touched my face, it felt entirely different.
"Wow..." Annabeth gasped as I let my eyes drift down, staring at the ground. "What in Hera's name did they do to you?" She asked as she touched my face, her fingers skimming across my lips.
It felt like I had been shocked when she did it. There so much softness with how she handled me. It made me feel things I had never felt before. "Does it look bad?" I asked, not sure if her comment had been positive or negative.
"No, you look beautiful Reyna. Gods, you always look beautiful..." Annabeth stated, her voice quiet. "It's just so unlike you. Not that there's an issue with it. I just didn't think you like makeup, in fact I remember when I visited. I tried to take you to Sephora and you snuck away to get a burger," Annabeth chuckled.
I hadn't realized how close Annabeth really was. If I wanted to, I could lean forward and kiss her. I really could. I could smell the honey lemon shampoo Annabeth used. That was how close we were.
Eventually, Annabeth released my face and took a step back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have barged in and taken you away."
"No, no. It was a blessing that you did. Those kids, they're something else," I chuckled with a small shrug.
"What did they take you for?" Annabeth asked as she grabbed my hand once more. I wished so dearly that is was an act of endearment but I knew it was only in a friendly way. Without either of us talking, we began to walk to the coast.
"Oh, nothing too important. Just wanted to talk to me about the Venus kids," I answered, lying through my teeth. "They did my makeup because apparently I look ratchet."
Annabeth's eyebrows furrowed as we both sat down in the sand, watching the sun disappear behind the horizon. "You do not. That's bs," Annabeth told me as she curled up into my side. I pulled my purple cape over her, smiling slightly as she only pressed closer.
That was it. We watched it turn dark, watched the ocean wave goodbye as it calmed.
That was the first time I had felt such immense physical contact that I couldn't bring myself to leave. Fell asleep on the beach we did, not even caring about the rules about curfew.
That night reminded me of the power of my emotions. Of the power of touching and feeling, but not the power of submitting.
I never told her how I felt that night, and I knew I would despise myself for it until the last of my days.
So I enjoyed the feeling of her warm body against mine, her head on my shoulder, and the warm breath that could be felt on my neck when her head tilted ever so slightly because that was all I knew I would ever get. My feelings would never be shared, and that's why I went back to Cano Jupiter the next day, and I didn't accept her calls from then on, only rarely when I felt as if I had lost hope.
