I try not to feel betrayed, but it comes and goes
It permeates my dreams and my thoughts
I try not to feel unwanted,
under-appreciated,
lonely
After all, he's home
And why should I feel as empty as I did when he was gone?
My husband left for war in Troy
When our son,
Telemakhos,
Was barely able to lift his chin
I cannot be angry at him for that departure
He resisted with all his might
Formulated a scheme to deceive
the war-hungry Akhaians
He feigned insanity, but was undone
When clever Palamedes
threatened our son
And so,
he was gone
For ten years the war dragged on
The people of my husband's island grew restless,
riotous,
unruly in their king's absence
Rumors spread around the fireplaces of Ithaka:
That great Odysseus was dead
Slain in battle
Or else driven mad by war.
But when a messenger was sent to announce High Agamemnon as victor, the Ithakans,
freed of all doubt and suspicion, made ready
for the homecoming
of their triumphant king
But he did not return
And the people tired of preparing
day in and day out
for a festival day that never
came
The rumors returned
Newly claiming he was drowned at sea
that he had given up
made his home on some other island along the way
that he had met a new woman with a beautiful face and a warm bed
that all his thoughts of home had withered and been blown off by thick bay winds
Suitors came to the island
Arrogant youths
some no older than my son
I could not
would not marry any one of them
I held out for my dear king and husband
as the suitors made a pigsty of my husband's hall
and made empty our wine cellars
Daily
I assured them that I would pick a new husband in time
But that it was not a decision for now
I said
my father-in-law was dying
I needed to weave his funeral shroud
once I finished
I told them
then one of these boy-men would reap his prize
I never finished the shroud
Every time I came close
my husband's memory bade me undo it all
That I did
constantly keeping the suitors at bay
never willing to dishonor my marital vows
never willing to admit that Odysseus would not be coming home tomorrow
I wept and worried my ladies in waiting
prayed to every god I could think of for my husband's safe passage home
And through it all
I never once thought of giving in
Of marrying one
of the handsome
headstrong youths
pursuing me
I always told myself to stay true
stay faithful
He would return for me
After twenty years of absence
he did return
And with a befitting flourish
whipping off a beggar's shroud to reveal
cunning and sly Odysseus
He killed the suitors and hung the handmaidens
whom were made their bedfellows
He proved himself to me
exchanging secrets only he and I would know
My heart swelled and I dissolved into tears
I dissolved into his arms
But it felt wrong
that night
as we lay
in our great bed
together
I still hurt
Felt unloved
As if my husband never had come home
as if this was just a pale facsimile of the real man
We had another child,
dear Poliporthes
While I was pregnant with the boy
round and full of bashful maternity
I heard that Telemakhos and dear Poliporthes
were not my husband's only sons
Nightly, I listened to ragged bards tell Odysseus' great story
the return home from triumph in Troy
the great and terrible Kyklopes
the nights spent with bewitching Kirke
with stunning Kalypso
One troubador won favor with my husband
for his attention to detail
and attention to his host's ego
But the man was turned out from the hall
After he described Telegonus and Ardeas and Latinus
and Nausinous
all children sired by the great Odysseus during his stays on Aiaia
and Ogygia
Tears welled in my eyes and I excused myself
but he did not follow
did not deny these names
these sons born of women
that were not his faithful wife
His wife who had waited years
waited longer than anyone thought she should have
swearing and vowing to stay true
And so
I feel betrayed
Had I known he would not have honored our bond
I would have chosen the strongest of the suitors
to be Ithaka's new king
Had I known he would not have been faithful Odysseus
I would not have been faithful Penelope
If only I had known
the emptiness
loneliness
indifference
would not end when he came home
If only I had known
his commitment
his love
was soluble
washed away
by the salty flume
of ocean
