By No Means
Disclaimer: Ah... this is my first... so... to those reading it, eat your fking hearts out. I don't own anyone in this story! Except a self-insert! That's me! Whee-hee! I own myself!
By the way... the storyline is set to KH 1... so when i refer to Ansem I mean Xehanort's heartless.
Chapter 1: Just to piss you off
As the wind blows, two boys are seen running down the coast. the brunette falls into the water. Is he drowning? Quick, someone come to his rescue! Oh, never mind. You can't drown in water that comes to your knees.
"Crap, Riku. I said I didn't want to get wet!"
"You're the one that fell."
"You pushed me!"
Riku's right eye twitched slightly: "You calling me a liar?"
"Yeah."
"That's it. You and me, we gotta fight, to the death."
"Fight?"
"Yup."
"To the death?"
"That's what I said."
"Why?"
"Stop asking questions and get your sword."
Sora pulls out a wooden sword from. nowhere, and Riku get his oh-so-cool Dragonwing.
"What? That's not fair! I don't have my Keyblade!"
"Not my fault you're unprepared. Now face my wrath!"
Riku whacked Sora in the head, spilling blood. Leaving the brunette lying facedown in the sand, bleeding profusely, he walked away.
"Never again, and never again. They gave us two shots to the back of the head, and we're all dead now."
"Burn! Mwah-hahaha!" Sephiroth dances around a campfire.
"Uh, yeah. That's what it's supposed to do."
"I know! Isn't it wonderful!"
"Quiet down, don't piss you pants because of a frikken fire."
"But-"
"Ah-ah. No more." Cloud gets up and walks into the lush jungle of his island imprisonment.
"Wait. Where you going?"
"Taking care of some. business. Damn. Of all the people I had to be marooned with, it's that freak."
He unbuckles all of his belts and. does his business. behind a tree. No peeking!
"Hey, your name. What's it?"
"For the last time. Leon."
"Like lemon?"
"No."
"If you add a m' it is."
"But that's not how you spell my name."
"But what if it was?"
"Listen, whoever-you-are."
"Kairi."
"Whatever. Stop following me around."
"But you're lost."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"I dunno Lemon."
"Dammit! It's Leon! LEON! L-E-O-N! NO M'!"
"Alright, you don't have to yell. I'm not stupid."
"Yeah, let's go with that. So... where are we?"
Kairi shrugs. "How am I supposed to know?"
"...You... live...here..."
"Oh, that's right! How did you know, Lemon?"
"Graahh! Just call me Squall. Alright?"
"'Kay! So, how'd you get here, Squall?"
"Uh, shipwreck."
Kairi's eyes got big as her head and protuberant, "Really! Did you live?"
Leon's right eye twitches violently.
"Oooh, Squash. You should get that checked out."
-Twitchy Twitch-
"Is that normal?"
-Twitch twitch twitchy twitch twitch-
Leon runs off into the sunset, but not before Kairi latches on to his right leg. "Where are we going, Lemon?"
"GAAAHHHH!"
Hours later Sora awakes on the coast in the moonlight.
"Wha? Who's there?"
It's me! The narrator person. Thing-y.
"Well, shut-up. I've got a headache."
How dare you talk to me that way! I can make anything happen in this story that I want to!
"Oh, yeah, well, make something happen, then"
Fine. Just then, a giant wave appears, but it's not just any wave it's a tsunami! But not just any tsunami, it's a mega-tsunami! And Sora is carried off to sea.
"So, I can swim."
And Sora is in trouble, cause… he can't swim!
"Wha-" Sora says as he goes under. Just kidding! It was all just a vision that I created in Sora's head!
"..."
Yup. He's speechless. Now dance my puppet, dance!
...Sora does a little jig throughout the night.
MEANWHILE!
Riku had just finished a nice milkshake. Yum. Yes it took him all day to get a milkshake. He's just walking down the street. And Yuffie! She just appears, cause I say so.
"Yo!"
"Yo."
"Whatcha doin'?"
"Going to the loo."
"Eh?"
"The john."
"Ah?"
"The bucket."
"Uh...huh."
"Y'know the pee-pee pot?"
"Ye-...no."
"The bathroom! Potty!"
"Oh, right."
"Now, outta my way, simple mortal."
Riku goes into the potty room, and he... potties. What else would he be doing?
... Ok! He's finished! Yea! He's a big kid now!
Yuffie bust into the men's room, and nobody in the immediate area seems to notice. Hello! Girl into boy's room? That's bad!
"Hey! Whatcha doing?" She asked as she did eighty jumping jacks.
"You'd better be glad that I had my pants on when you barged in here like that."
"Yup! Sure am!" she said as she twirled in a 360-degree angle.
"Then why did you just bust in here?"
"The Voices told me to!" she said as she hopped repeatedly on one foot.
"Voices?" Riku asked as he cocked that beautiful head of his.
"Yup!" she said as she continued to hop.
"Yeah. I'm going home."
"No, wait! Really!" Yuffie said, as she did, like fifty cartwheels around Riku.
"Really? Then what are they telling you now?"
Yuffie stopped bouncing around like an idiot who's had caffeine pumped right into her brain and makes thinking face.
"Uh...Yuffie?"
"Shhh! The Voices… they're telling me to."
"Yeah?"
"They say... KILL RIKU!"
You'd think that someone whose friend just said that voices told her to kill you would, you know, be freaked out. But not Riku.
Yes, he has nerves of steel that he does.
"Which one?"
"Eh?"
"Which Riku? One k' or two?"
"Hold on. They say two."
"Sorry, I'm one."
"Oh, well, sorry bout that." Yuffie walked off.
"Oh, wait! Where can I find Rikku?"
"She should be just walking around… um, she's blonde and the only one wearing shorts, a bra, and a scarf."
"Like me!" Yuffie bounced around Riku.
"That's really not something you should be proud of."
"Well, I'm off to carry the will of the Voices!" she said as she saluted Riku and bounced her way down the road.
"You do that..."
Riku walked his way to his house and about twenty minutes from his front door, he stepped in the some gooey, tar stuff, and his foot was stuck. He could have just taken his shoe off, but… he was wearing his evil skirt thing of darkness. And if you have played the game, then you know, and have made fun of at some point, that the outfit is one complete piece. Yup. So instead of just removing his shoe, he had to completely strip.
Fangirl #1: Yay! I wish I would have brought my camera!
Yes, The silver-haired hottie was now running down the street in his boxers to his front door. Wouldn't you like to look out of your window and see him dashing down the road in nothing but boxers?
Yes, of course you would.
BUT THAT DOESN"T MATTER!
"Cloud?"
"Mmmmppphh.?"
"Light the fire, again?"
"No, go to sleep."
"Please?"
"I don't trust you."
Sephiroth gives Cloud the puppy eyes. Awww… he's so coot!
"Not gonna work."
"Oh, yeah? Well. I'll show you!"
And Sephiroth storms off into the jungle… and returns. with chibis! Awww… They're all little and bloodthirsty. Besides that… they were all jumping on Cloud. And now they're suffocating him.
-GASP! - A sea of cute, bloodthirsty Sephy chibis is suffocating Cloud!
Fangirl #2 appears out of nowhere and throws her hands up in agony and screams,
"NOOOOOO!"
"Hey, Lemon? How come your hair is wet?"
"It's not wet."
"But it looks that way."
"But it's not."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Really, Lemon?"
"My hair is not wet, and STOP CALLING ME LEMON! DAMMIT!"
"Right. Sorry. It's Squash now, isn't it?"
"You know, I can be just as annoying as you."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Oh, yeah? Well, try me."
"Fine. Lemon."
"..."
What's this? Leon is speaking in dots, again. This should be good.
Fangirl #3 is all -drool drool-
"Hey, I'm talking to you."
"..."
"That's not funny."
"..."
"Hey-"
"..."
"Quit it!"
"..."
...Kairi screams and runs off into the jungle. Wait were in the hell are they?
Sora walks into a random pub and sits at the front desky table thing. Look Riku walks in, And he has clothes. So disappointing.
Fangirl #1: Aww...Shoot! I brought my camera and everything.
"Hey, you, didn't I kill you...?"
"Uh… no? Maybe? I don't really know."
"Yeah, remember? On the first page. I killed you."
"Oh yeah. But I was revived on page four."
"Oh."
"Yeah, and on the same page I was carried off to sea, or was that a dream? Either way I spent the entire night doing a jig for... undisclosed reasons."
"Oh, yeah, well, Yuffie almost tried to kill me on the scene change on page four and five."
Sora cocked his head and a quizzical expression slid onto his face.
"Eh?"
"Long story. Anyway, I ended up running down my street in my boxers. On page six. "
"How did you go from almost being killed to running down your street in boxers?"
"Never you mind."
"Tell me."
"Huh?"
"What happened. Tell me."
"...I...forget."
"Liar."
Sora didn't learn his lesson from the first page. Oh, well. Sucks for him.
"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"
"You're a liar."
"You were lucky. You're the only one that has ever lived after calling me a liar. But not this time."
Riku gets the Dragonwing. And Sora has his Keyblade. Sora came prepared!
The two step outside the pub and prepare to fight. To the death.
Fangirls #1-25 and Fanboys #1-3 are crowded outside.
They would've gotten what they paid for, except for the tiny fact of the key chain thing that is on the end of the Keyblade. What's so bad about that you wonder. Well at the sight of it, Riku was hypnotized. Yup, he'd do anything for that shiny.
-Ansem appears-
"Yo."
Well, almost anything. Not today Ansem, not today. So Riku seized the Keyblade, forgetting about the fight to the death, and ran off.
"Hey!" was all that Sora managed to say before the chapter came to an abrupt ending.
...TO BE CONTINUED
That was a really long first chapter. It took like forever and a half. Yeah, I was going for an Ansemless chapter but I couldn't resist. I heart My Chemical Romance. That little quote at the beginning after Riku killed' Sora is from I Never Told You What I did for a Living'. Awesome song about bloody sheets, and yeah. I can always babble on and on (and on and on and on and on and on.) about how hot the frontman is but I gots to go write on the next chapter for you to enjoy. Yes, love me.
