Tears slid down her cheeks as she scrubbed even harder over her skin. Her small cries and hiccups were drowned in the sound of the running water of the shower. While the once hot water had burned her skin it was now icy cold and making goosebumps appear all over her skin. She didn't care.

Clean. I need to get clean!

Again and again she had those words appearing in her mind, unable to get the feeling of filth off of her skin she switched from the already raw sponge to the one her mother used to scrub real stubborn dirt away with and began to work on her legs. A small squeak left her lips as her skin gave in and blood began to ooze out of the wound, only to be washed away by the cold water.

I don't want to be filthy!

She scrubbed harder, ripping her skin open, first on her legs and then on the rest of her body. A knock on the door let her freeze under the water, slowly she looked up and towards the door. Another knock.

"Tamy? Are you okay in there? It's been two hours now… I'm getting really worried here Hun." She sucked in air and let the sponge drop, turning off the water.

"I… I'm fine Mom! I got carried away… I'll be outside in a few." She fast said and hid the pain and fear in her voice.

"Okay… Dinner is ready." She heard her mother leave, slowly she sank down and pulled her bleeding legs to her chest, letting her head fall down she felt another wave of tears and bit her lip to not cry out. A burning pain spread over her body where she had ripped open her skin with her scrubbing.

"Why me…?" She whimpered and felt her nails bite into her legs. After another few Minutes she guessed had passed she pulled herself together as good as she could and wobbled out of the shower. As she took the red towel to dry herself she winced whenever she rubbed over one of now skin-free parts. Tired and with pain all-present in her body she dressed her wounds first before slipping into her underwear and binding her breasts before pulling on the too big and loose sweatpants and old sweater that let her seem like a small child in its fathers clothing. Rubbing the foam from the mirror she looked at something she was sad to call her reflection.

She had once had a pale but still healthy complexion, a little bit too much body-weight but she had felt okay that way and bright short red hair. Now her eyes looked haunted and dark circles were prominent under them, she had lost no healthy amount of weight and her hair looked like it was blood seeping from her head the way the wet strands hung down around her face and by now even went to her mid-back.

She jumped and slipped as a knock came from the door, hitting her head on the cold tiles she hissed.

"Everything okay? Tamy?"

"I'm fine Mom, I just… I just was in thoughts." She stood up and fast brushed her hair before opening the door. The pity in the eyes of her mother made her want to cry and throw up, she looked down.

"Can you braid my hair?" She asked in a small voice and felt the hand of her mother around her own.

"Come with me." Slipping into her slippers first she let herself get lead down the hall and into the kitchen. She sat down on the stool and felt her mother's warm fingers run through her hair before parting it into three strands and braiding it.

"Tamara… since that accident… you… you have changed, and I know it's not your fault, but I feel so much pain seeing how you hurt so much. I… I called your aunt, Sahra said she would love to have you over for the summer break. You could get a free head, maybe even find a few friends? And Karin said she would take you out to go shopping. Doesn't that sound great? You always wanted to go shopping and never could, but… I put a bit of money back so you could." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, only to open them again because a flash of pictures came to her vision.

"Mom… I really don't want to. It's the money you saved to go to college and get a better job. I don't want to take that from you." She had her hands clamped around the hem of her sweater. Her mother finish the braid and held the hair together with a gum before she slung her arms around her daughter. With a sad thought she noticed just how thin her daughter had become.

"Dr. Simmer said it would do you good. Sahra lives all way out in a small village. You would be safe and… and I really just want you to get healthy again, so your bad dreams stop, so you can finally smile again. I miss you Hun… I really miss you." She squeezed her daughter and a small hiccup left Tamara's lips, her hands clenching harder on the hem.

"Mom…" She whispered and her mother let go of her only to pull her into a stand and hug her fully. Tamara wrapped her arms around her mother, shaking her head she cried into the chest of her mother who had to hold back her own tears.

"Come on, let us pack Hun. It'll do you good." Tamara didn't want to, but she would do it, for her mother not for herself. She knew her mother hurt, if not as much as her she still hurt.