Just a nagging idea that would not go away after I read Nightlight. I am having fun with this one.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but awesomeness. And maybe an indirect need for some serious medication.


He had a face.

That was the first defining characteristic that stood out to me when I met him. Then, being the genius that I am, I made some more astounding observations.

He had arms and legs, a torso, hair, feet, hands. He had a body, and he may or may not have had a mind. I couldn't really see it so I was just inferring at that point.

So, all in all, he was rather exceptional. I mean, how many people do you know that have all functioning body parts in perfect order? He was a normal human being which, in and of itself, was rather unusual. Who these days can be considered normal unless they are boring? And if one is considered boring then they can't be normal. They are boring.

And boring and normal happen to be two very different things.

But he was normal, at least I hoped so. Because I really did despise boring people. They were always the loudest snorers when others tried to sleep. This made them criminals in my mind seeing as they take away a basic function and need of all people. A need as needful as…breathing. So boring people are usually loud snorers, and loud snorers are very much like murderers (of sleep, of course) and so they should all be arrested.

But he didn't look very much like a loud snorer, either. Nope, he looked more like a person who slept by himself. And considering that he had all the right limbs in the right place, that was a surprising fact. What female wouldn't want to sleep near him? I mean, he had a lot more genetically appealing potential than those who were legless or bald. Which, sadly, was a very prominent disease in the human population. Balding, that is.

Shudder. Imagine having no hair! I would die without my long locks.

But anyways, back to the point.

So the very normal looking boy was probably not that normal. He was probably weird. Kind of like the rest of us. It's the normal ones that stick out. And he was unique, too. Just like everyone else. Well, at least he fit in with the crowd. I sighed. How I so longed to fit in with the crowd. But I wasn't weird or unique; I was normal and just like everyone else so I stuck out.

Darn my sameness which makes me not the same. It sucks to be me.

I have yellow eyes and blue hair. No, I'm just kidding. That would make me weird and I'm so normal I'm just another brand of jeans. Like elastic, I stretch to fit around even the biggest of waists. But my buttons never pop and my zipper always zips, because my duty in life is to perform perfectly whatever job I have been given. And so, I will perfectly perform my current job of checking out the Cullen kid.

"So, Bella, what do you think?" Hmm, what do I think?

"Well, I think of many things. Like, about colors and shapes and who took the cookies from the cookie jar." That always did astound me. I mean, who could have done something so atrocious? And why oh why did they never confess? Bastard left me hanging.

"No, Bella," Jessica sighed exasperatedly, "what do you think of the Cullen kid?" Well I think that he is fairly attractive. And weird. I mean, look at that penny colored hair! And those pretty golden eyes! And that aquiline nose! And all those other traits, like tallness, which I had never possessed!

"I think he's weird," I smiled at Jessica. In an approving sort of way.

"Really?" she asked, "Well then he's a good kind of weird," she giggled, "I think he looks tasty…" she licked her lips as I pursed mine. How many times would I have to go over the horrors of cannibalism with this girl? She needed to see the lollipop man so he could tell her whether or not something should be eaten. She was always saying how people were delicious, or lickable. Or in this case tasty. Her most used sentence had to be 'I could eat him right up' and it was always boys she was talking about eating. Why would you eat a boy? I would rather hold his hand.

She was a weird one, alright. Sigh, that lucky girl with her cannibalistic tendencies.

Why did I have to have a normal diet?

"Jessica, boys are for-"

"-kissing not eating, I know Bella. It's just an expression." I frowned at her again. It is not just like a smiley face or a constipated look one gets when constipated! Constantly fantasizing about consuming other human beings is a very real and very Jessica problem!

And I'd tell her to get it fixed but then she'd be all boring. And snoring. And I hate boring snoring people, as I hope I have mentioned before.

"Although," she smiled at him devilishly, "I wouldn't mind kissing him either." I shook my head at her as she attempted to fold her miniscule arms. Jessica had very tiny arms, and a very big head. Somewhat like Tyrannosaurus-Rex; maybe she was a descendant?

That would make more sense than the whole "birds come from dinosaurs" theory which is so not true. Dinosaurs couldn't sing and they didn't have feathers and they didn't wake up until noon to drink their dinosaur coffee. And birds are annoying and sing and wake up at like, five am, to drink each other's urine or whatever it is.

The early bird gets the feces first. Or is it the worm who wakes first eats the bird who sleeps last? Uh, I have such a bad memory.

I turned to Jessica, ready to tell her about how goldfish and I must have come from the same genetic pool because of our short memory span (which may be true seeing as I strongly suspected that those things we call ears are actually fins and mine are an unsightly orange) when I noticed the weird but normal Cullen boy looking at me with alarm.

I blushed. And then I blanched. Then for the heck of it I thought of Mike Newton which turned me green and then I held my breath till I turned blue. Then I ate enough pineapple to give my pasty paste skin a yellowish color. I always had fun changing colors, seeing as I was so pale, brown, and all around normal. I only got purple when I was really mad, and that was the only color missing at the moment so I took in some oxygen before I passed out and turned super white again. I hated passing out; it was a lot like sleeping. And I didn't like sleeping.

Being awake was the only way to learn how to be weird. And I talked in my sleep. Which I hear is very common.

Once again, damn it all to heaven. Not hell. I would NEVER try to send anything to hell.

Hmm, angels. Angels live in heaven… Cullen looks like an angel. Wait, oh yeah. He was looking at me again. I smiled at him and twittered my fingers so they looked like they were spazzing out. I hear it's the new way of greeting spazzes. But wait, he's not a spaz, is he? Oh, if he were a spaz he'd be perfect! Just absolutely, positively per-

In the middle of my perfectly perfect description of his perfect ness my fingers decided they were tired of twitching and decided they were going to hit me in the face. I hate my fingers. They never listen to me.

So I looked embarrassedly at Cullen while internally scolding the rudeness of my appendages when I managed to trip. Well, maybe trip isn't the correct word to use, seeing as I was already sitting down, but one moment I was there on a bench in the cafeteria with Jessica salivating over the prospect of consuming Cullen and the next I was on the floor. I crawled piteously, waiting for someone to notice, take pity, and pick me up. But nobody did. So I stood up, brushed myself off, and took a step forward. And in a move almost exceedingly graceful for me, I managed to slip on a discarded straw (LITTER. THESE CRETINS SHOW NO RESPECT FOR STRAWS) and do a frontflip into the garbage can. Which garnered me some attention.

I stood to the laughing of my fellow students and bowed.

Don't clap too loud please. We are in a private setting after all.

I smiled, waiting for one of those spotlights from all the movies I've seen from the Disney Channel to shine down on me so I could sing something heartwarming and beautiful, which would go wonderfully with my acrobatic performance. But just as I was getting ready for the opening lines (which went something like: I like big butts and I cannot lie…) and still waiting for my spotlight (stupid Eric Yorkie, he was so bad at his job as school geek) when I heard a throat clearing. I looked up, fluttering my eyelashes madly in an attractive way, to see Edward Cullen standing before me, with a baffled look on his face.

"Do you have something in your eye?" he asked, raising one of his bushy brows. I blinked rapidly so that it seemed to raise frame…by frame…by frame.

I wanted to comb it.

"Nope. But I do have tiny bacteria in my eyelashes, just like most humans. So I'm blinking really fast in an effort to shake them off." I blinked faster, destroying the mutant slugs.

DIE EARTHLING MUTANTS. DIE.

I giggled. Giggling was a sure way to scare off eyelash slugs.

Edward stared at me.

"Uhm…" Ooooo! Uhm! My favorite word! I made it my duty in life to hug anyone who said the word "uhm" because it usually meant they didn't know what to say and hugging effectively saved them. Because a hug is worth a thousand words.

"I think you mean a picture." Edward grinned at me. Then his grin dropped as I tackled him.

"What about a picture?" he mightn't have heard me though, seeing as I was smashed to his chest. It was a very nice smelling chest, too. Like candy.

Maybe Jessica wasn't very off in her wanting to bite him.

"You wouldn't mind, uh, getting off of me would you?" I smiled at his chest and stood up. Edward helped himself up and stared at me again. Then I realized something.

"You have a very silent chest." No heartbeat, was what I meant to say.

His eyes got really wide, like saucers. Like, no kidding, I could probably eat my favorite dish of brussel sprouts off of his eyes they were so big.

"It's okay, I get it. You're heart is very shy. Mine too." I put my hand to my stomach and started breathing reallllly fast to increase my pulse.

"I never hear my heart either, even when I place my hand right over it." I motioned to my bellybutton. I'm pretty sure that's where my heart was. Seeing as I had such an intense love for food. And I was still pretty darn skinny.

I love my heart and my heart loves me.

Edward stared at me for longer. Then he snorted. It was very pig-like.

"Oh I can do a great imitation of a goat!" I pulled my breath in, ready for a real big bleat when Edward put one hand over my mouth. He had a very cold hand.

"You like ice cubes huh? Me too! That's why I have very cold hands." I put one of them to his face and he grinned at me. Probably because I'd just said the equivalent of "ya lakdidaflahuh? Mashooaeey colhanz." Gibberish, to be exact.

I licked his hand experimentally, trying out Jessica's theory. He didn't taste that bad.

Edward pulled his hand away and wiped it off on his t-shirt.

He'd probably never wash it again. I mean, who wouldn't want my saliva all over them?

"Okay the bell's going to ring in like two minutes, so I need to go," Edward nodded at me, turned, and sprinted away. Hmph, nobody likes a show off. Just because he could run without gravity giving him a great big shove to my best friend the floor…

What can I say? I was so attractive that the ground coerced gravity into getting me closer to it every time I took a step. I tentatively took a little teensy weensy step forward and…

Voila! I made it! I hopped up in excitement but forgot that I was supposed to land standing upright so I ended up on my knees. And I was too lazy to get back up, so I sat down. So there I was sitting by the trash can, singing lullabies to the flies and their newly hatched maggot eggs, when the shrill bell cut me off.

Oh well, time to go to class.

So I crawled all the way to biology, humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. And when I got to the door I stood, because walking through the door was the best way to make an impression.

And I saw Cullen sitting at my table. How dare he take the seat that was meant for my imaginary friend, Charles Siphon Ingrid Mitchel Freudly II (Charles Siphon Ingrid Mitchel Freudly I had died a premature death when I accidentally sat on him last month) and I was so very glad that Charles II was sitting at my house with a very bad case of the blue balls ( he had blue tennis balls stuck in his nose) because big fat Edward Cullen would've squashed him!

I was so angry that I turned purple.

Yay! That was all the colors in one day: white, orange (ears), red, yellow, green, blue, and now purple! I could so totally be a chameleon. And then I'd be, like, invisible! Like Lindsey Lohan! I stood very still in front of the green chalkboard and looked over at Mike Newton, who was in full leering sleaziness today. I could definitely feel myself turning green. But he still gave me one of his slimy smiles so I knew I was seen.

Ah, the misfortunes of being so normal were that I seemed to attract boring and snoring guys. Like The Newt for example. I figured he should go for a tadpole or salamander, not a chameleon like me. But nooooo, that was just not acceptable.

So I scurried to my seat next to Cullen and sat in my seat which was meant for sitting in. I swung my legs back and forth, imagining I was on a swingset to distract me from the delicious aroma of all the bleach and Clorox wipes in the room. They made me high when I sniffed them for too long.

"Not like she isn't already high…" I could swear Edward mumbled. I huffed in his direction, sat up promptly, and postured like a lady.

Then I promptly went tumbling back off my chair to the floor, which was intent on giving me a hug. My head hit it hard (stupid floor was aggressively friendly) and I saw the black consume.

Damn it all to heaven, great. I'm passing out. Which means I'm gonna start sleep talking. Oh please, please, please let me talk about rainbows and unicorns this time. I want to look like an intellectual.

But alas, my dreams were of flying cabbages and pinwheels.

Nothing ever goes my way.


Short, and hopefully, it seems like I wrote this while in a Bella state of mind.

Review if you laughed and or were baffled by what you read.