Disclaimer: I have the greatest respect for these authors and make no money from this fanfiction. None. Please don't sue me.
Quantum Thingummies
By Alison Venugoban
The man was sitting bolt upright in his bed, grey nightshirt dishevelled. He clutched the chocolate that Dumbledore had given him in one shaking hand.
"It was horrible, just horrible, Headmaster! It was a… a different place, like here, but not. Everything was out of joint somehow. There were witches, but they were old hags who used some sort of magic called "headology". And the wizards were obese old men who argued with each other all the time and did no true magic! And Hogwarts was a university!"
"Steady, Severus, steady. Eat some chocolate, you'll feel better."
Snape raised tortured eyes to Dumbledore. "But that wasn't the worst part of the nightmare, Headmaster! There… there was a man. He looked just like me! He was called 'Vetinarian' or something and he ruled the whole place, but … but he acted just as calculating as you!" It ended as a wail.
***
"Sir! Sir, wake up!"
Vetinari sat bolt upright in his bed, his black nightshirt dishevelled. He saw the worried face of his chief clerk, Drumknott, before him, and tried to still the shaking.
"I had a nightmare, Drumknott! It was a… a different place, like here, but not. Everything was out of joint somehow. There were witches who acted like housewives, with hundreds of red-haired children. And the wizards had Dark Lords and internal power struggles and could kill with a flick of their wands! Unseen University had become a high school!"
"Steady, Sir, steady. Here, sip some tea, you'll feel better."
Vetinari raised tortured eyes to Drumknott. "But that wasn't the worst part. There… there was a man. He looked just like me! He was called 'Snap' or something and he was at the mercy of every warlord. But… but he ended up dead!" It came out as a wail.
***
There was a blue glow coming from the bookshelves, bright in the gloom of the darkened library, and Madame Pince looked up as an orang-utan walked out. He dragged a pile of books behind him, heavily chained. Madame Pince hurried over to him with some relief.
"It's good of you to come so quickly."
"Ook?"
"Yes, the books broke their chains and started fornicating again."
Both Librarians turned to look at the chained books on Madame Pince's desk, and glanced quickly at the others leashed by the orangu-tan. Both piles seemed to seethe with an evil glow, rustling as if testing their bonds, each pile trying to reach the other despite the heavy chains.
"I admit that I'm at a loss as to what to do. It's starting to affect quantum now, both worlds are becoming aware of each other. I really don't want the Time Monks taking an interest."
"Eek!"
"Yes, you're right there. This is a job for Librarians, not monks like the Sweeper. He always meddles and ends up making things worse! But if we don't do something now, the quantum thingummies might collapse."
"Ook?"
"No, it's not Creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions that worry me. Instead, we might end up with characters from both worlds leaking into one another. Already Snape and Vetinari are almost too intertwined to be extricated. We must do something!"
"Ook, eek. Ee-eek?"
"Well, tempting as the idea is, sir, I really don't think we should take out a contract with the Assassins Guild to kill both Rowling and Pratchett. Anyway, their books would still exist, and they're the problem."
Both Librarians were silent for a moment, pondering. Finally, the orangu-tan ventured quietly, "Ook… ook, ee?" as if merely thinking out loud.
"Yes, a world without magic would confine them nicely. But how? I've never heard of such a place, I'm not sure it could even exist anywhere in the multi-verse."
The orangu-tan became animated. "Ook! Ook, eek!"
"Really? You would have me believe that the wizards of Unseen University have developed such a place?"
The orangu-tan produced a piece of chalk from some undisclosed place amongst his long orange fur. Long lips pursed in concentration, he wrote a word on the floor.
"Roundworld," his colleague read out loud. "A world with no magic? None whatsoever?"
"Ook!"
"What an odd place it must be."*
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*There is indeed a Roundworld** in the multi-verse. The inhabitants of the place believe in magic, but have none. Such an unlikely state of affairs can only happen due to the fact that everything that can happen, has happened. The inhabitants cope by obsessively writing what are called 'fanfics', which are then collected into certain electronic repositories. Forming groups to discuss their favourite fictional magical characters is also very popular.
**The wizards of Unseen University invented Roundworld, despite persistent rumours that it came into being thanks to either Bloody Stupid Johnson or as a joke by the Weasley Twins.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Ook, ook."
"Yes, I agree, it sounds perfect. Well, I assume we use tandem spells to exile the books?"
The orangu-tan quickly chalked a pentagram on the floor of the library and dragged his chained, struggling books into the centre of it.
Madame Pince collected her chained books from the desk and placed them into the pentagram as well. Ordinarily, the books, placed together like this, would have joyously pounced on each other and copulated. Now however, they seemed to huddle together as if terrified.
The orangu-tan produced a wizard staff from somewhere about his person.
"Where on earth did he have that?" Madame Pince thought to herself, then decided she really didn't want to know. She took her own wand out of her pocket.
Together the two Librarians pointed at the books in the pentagram.
"Ook, ook. Eek!"
"Avada Kedavra!"
Blue and green spells lit up the books, combined to form a flash of aquamarine, then faded. The books had vanished.
Both Librarians stared. Finally, Madame Pince said shakily, "We did it!"
"Ook!"
"Well, it should certainly be safe now! Well done, sir!"
"Ook, ook."
The orangu-tan knuckled off back to the bookshelves, vanishing in a blue glow when he got there.
Madame Pince smiled, then took her candle and left the library to report to the Headmaster that all was well.
***
"Hello?"
The voice was high and peevish. Red eyes glowed in the darkness. At the figures feet a pile of books whimpered and huddled together for comfort.
TOM MARVOLO GAUNT?
The figure whipped around. "You will address me as Lord Voldemort!"
Mad red eyes met blue ones deep as interstellar space.
IT'S TIME TO GO, said the deep voice of Death.
"No! I still have so much to do! Anyway, you have no claim on me, I have my Horcruxes to keep me safe!"
THEY WERE DESTROYED BY POTTER.
Voldemort seemed to be shrinking. "But… I can't die! I don't know how!"
IT TAKES NO SPECIAL TRAINING, Death answered.
The figure of Voldemort vanished. Death gazed at the books for a moment. VERY WELL, he said eventually, picking them up. YOU CAN COME WITH ME. BUT NO MORE FORICATING. IT CAUSES TOO MUCH TROUBLE, IN EVERY WORLD. He sighed as he mounted Binky. AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET MY USUAL CAMEO.
He vanished.
The End.
Author's note: This story will make absolutely no sense whatsoever unless you are a fan of the writings of both JK Rowling and Terry Pratchett. Both word-wizards were last heard of living on Roundworld, where (presumably) they are still busily imagining and writing about their respective magical worlds.
Alison