Author's Note: Run-on sentences like whoa. Inspired by 1sentence on Livejournal.
It was hard for Roxas to make me "feel" anything other than comfort and relaxed (or, maybe better termed as "thought?"), besides when he made me jealous with that girl, or he went off on some stupidly, ridiculously hard mission for his amount of skill (what the hell was Saix's problem, anyway? Jealous, much?)...and, yeah, he made me think that I remembered what it was like to feel "good."
I didn't know what it was at first, and I don't think he knew what it was at first, but our lips somehow met, and I remember that together, we kind of tasted like pennies and salt, and then I remembered that I had just been eating sea-salt ice cream up on the clock tower, waiting for Roxas, and I remember Roxas telling me that Saix had "accidentally" clubbed him in the face with his Claymore, and while I can't remember if anyone else had been there (and I can't remember caring, either), I remember the feel of Roxas lips on mine, and that sea-salt copper taste, because, yeah, I've totally licked pennies before - life can get kind of boring sometimes when you aren't really anyone.
Soft was his hair at night when he'd lie down to rest, and I'd sneak into his room and lie with him and run my hands through it, and a lot of the time, I knew he was just pretending to be asleep.
"Pain" was what I thought I remembered feeling whenever he was away from me, or whenever he vented Xion-related emotions to me, or whenever Saix or any of the other higher-ups plotted his "destruction," or when he finally did end up leaving, and then when he couldn't remember my name, and the heart I realized I really did have, all thanks to Roxy, would stop every few seconds, and I'd wonder why time hadn't stopped, but, yeah, Roxas forgetting all about me...I guess "time" just had to go on...
Once we talked about potatoes, and it was weird, I remember, that both Roxas and Xion remembered them particularly, even though they both technically came from the same person, and it all made me think I felt like dirt, you know, except it was just me smelling like it, because I'm not dirt, I know I'm not; I just somehow thought that I felt like I smelled like dirt, like in grand-mum's garden or when your ex-best friend shoves you into the dirt because he found out how you thought you felt about a boy who was "different" than the rest of us, or at least strived for a life outside of whatever we had made for ourselves over the years.
Sometimes he told me that he wanted to see the rain, that he had begun to have some memories of the rain on some island during spring or whatever, and had looked into it a bit (without Saix's help, might I had, the hardass - would have denied him, anyways), and he had found out that it was called rain, all on his own, and when he left and lived in that fake world, I wonder if it ever rained, and I wonder if it ever made him feel sad, even though he couldn't remember me, so he would feel sad and not know why he was feeling sad.
Sea-salt ice cream had just been the ice cream we always ate, not really sure why, other than that I'm the one who invited him to eat ice cream with me first up on the clock tower after work, and I had been eating sea-salt ice cream, so I guess he felt obliged to, too, and I guess because we talked about it like we did, held it in such high regard, you know, but still, I never really meant to make him think that he felt like it was the only flavor, because when I thought about Roxas, I thought about how different and special he was, and how, in an instant, he'd leave for that chocolate, and, after all, that chocolate across the worlds ended up being a hell of a lot more important to him than that strawberry right beside him, didn't it?
I know that us Nobodies aren't supposed to have hearts, and that all of the higher Nobodies like to scold the ones who go about talking about having hearts (hell, we all do it), but I really did have a heart - Roxas gave me one, he gave me a heart, and he...Roxas made me happy.
By the time any information got to any of us, and then to me, it was always horribly distorted ("Roxas is dead! Good riddance!" "Roxas went back to Sora... But, hey, now he's whole again, right?" "Axel, did you hear me? Roxas can't remember anymore. 'Remember you?' As if, Ax, he can't remember shit, didn't I just say that?"), and after the first few times, I stopped freaking out so bad that almost every system in my body would shut down for days and days at a time, but still, I was sad, and I was sad because Roxas had given me a heart that felt lots of sad.
"Stop messing with my ears, Axel," I remember he said once up on the clock tower, trying to sound serious, and I just kept pulling on them, gently, somehow, and he started laughing, and I smiled and stole a lick off of his ice-cream bar, staring into his deep blues...they were nice against the sunset, so nice.
We met the first day he got his name, and, I know I've said it over and over, but it's...the only thing I guess...I can say, the only thing that comes to mind sometimes, like Dem would be talking about the most random of things, probably his sitar, and I would just say, "Huh, we met the day he got his name," and Dem would harrumph at me and say something like, "Damn, Axel, how many times you going to say that...today, even," and strum his sitar.
Roxas; Roxas was sensual...I guess you'd think I couldn't describe "sensual," since I can't feel, but I can, and Roxas...that's my definition.
Death isn't quick and painless - death is slow and painful, scarring you 'til the heart you never knew you had aches beyond reason, and you're so sure it's just some part of your body...your ribcage, your skin, your bones, you're so sure that that's what's aching, but, no, it's the heart that a little big blue-eyed blondie gave you, and it's never right again when he's gone, and he's gone for a long time...and, he never did remember your face, did he, and then, you died...
It wasn't sex; can't describe it with words, can't describe it with sounds... Roxas...sex was Roxas, but Roxas wasn't sex - Roxas was everything, anything good with that mix of a little...annoying kid sometimes, who cared for his "friends" too much... Roxas was good, Roxas was desire, Roxas was pure, Roxas was feeling, Roxas was existence... Roxas was my everything...don't you see?
There was never a moment I didn't want to touch him.
Roxas was weakness, and Roxas was strength...if Roxas hadn't come along, I wouldn't have learned to feel, but I wouldn't have learned to love and trust and then, in the end, feel the most indescribable amounts of pain and loss and betrayal...
We cried when he left - it wasn't just him, and it wasn't just me...we cried together, neither realizing we were both crying 'til it was too late.
I tried to find him as fast as I could, get him as fast as I could, but, again, it was too late...he didn't remember me anymore, couldn't fathom my face or name or the way I made him feel...the way he made me feel...
His voice on the wind...yeah, I'll admit I listen.
I haven't found it yet...found salvation - what the hell kind of salvation is emptiness, blank, nothingness...none, I'll tell you...fucking none.
I was jealous of Sora...you left me for him, you left everything for him, just to be able to see him...and then when you were gone, really gone, I started wanting to be around him, because he was so like you, and I saw you in him, in his eyes and in his massive heart, I just... I'm sorry.
I always could get the best sounds out of you with my hands.
My tongue could do a lot, too.
If I hadn't of let you leave...could we have stayed together forever?
If I hadn't let any blood fall...could it have all been avoided?
Love sickness, right?
The melody of my heart squeezing and panging inside my chest is disgusting.
I never thought I'd have a purpose, a reason, 'til you came along.
Home isn't the castle, not the world where the Nobodies lived; home was Roxas.
Everything about him confused me, and everything he did and brought along, but it was okay because he was right there alongside me to be confused right along with me.
Roxas was scared to lose us, and I was scared to lose Roxas...he almost lost me, everyone told him I was dead, and he...was sad...and then...he leaves, and...nothing's right again.
At first he gave me the impression that he was scared of lightning, because there was a storm, and he was huddled up in his room on the bed...I went in, scratched my head and looked down at him, and I asked what he was so hung up about, and he said softly in that not-really-completely-there, contemplative way of his, "No, it's not that..." and I asked what it was then, but he didn't say, and shook his head, and I went to sit by him, and together we looked out the big window, and I couldn't explain it, but we both felt something that wasn't really outside there in the storm - whatever was outside in the storm was inside of us.
We had a bond, I swear we did...maybe not in the beginning, and maybe Roxas wasn't feeling it in the end, but, the middle...the creamy, creamy filling...it was good, like having someone hold your hand, and they never let go...they didn't even have to be there with you - they just didn't let go.
I'd trade anything for that back.
The latest and greatest weapon...everyone always pressured you to upgrade your keyblade, trade it in for a new one and shove a bunch of super-crap on it, but you, you just wanted the good old, good ol'...but it makes me wonder why you didn't want the good ol' me anymore.
I hope you know the gift you gave me...more than I could ever explain, or express, no matter how much time I'd have.
Your smile was scary sometimes because it was obvious you were such a trooper, not quite accepting things, but, still, you soldiered on, and you kept us strong...and you always said that was my job, kid...
I took your innocence and I've held on to it 'til this day.
The pieces "lined up..." they're all out of wack, anyway; we never could have been whole, could we?
Clouds reaching down on me, dragging me down, dragging me away from you.
I reach my hand up, trying to find you in the empty sky...but it's so hard, 'cause you're so far away...
Roxas was the sun.
I was the moon.
We never did get to go to the beach, did we?
His hair was so cute.
In this superficial nothing - and it's nothing because there ain't no feeling and there ain't no Roxas - there's a star, a single star in the sea-like sky of many, that is simply but Roxas' heart, living on without the man he thought he needed so badly not even a year ago now, and I can see him dancing and pressing against the glass, the fabric-like covering of the star, as his Somebody makes him feel all the things I used to, all without any sort of direct touch - Roxas just...soaks it all in, like through Sora's pores, like a sick bug, and he doesn't remember that there's better, that there's me, and, then...I realize I do feel, I do feel in this nothing - I feel pain.