Disclaimer: You get the picture. I don't own this game or it's characters. But I own YOU! nervous laugh KIDDING! I own my cardboard home through and my giant hamster!
The Idiots: "I'm the Strongest!"
"NO! I AM THE STRONGEST WEAPON!" roared Ultimate, confidently swooping up into the air, its tail swinging haphazardly.
Ruby screeched, clenching its metal hands down into the sand. "I'M THE STRONGEST! I AM THE HARDEST TO BEAT YOU KNOW!"
Sapphire and Emerald frowned, grinding their metallic teeth angrily. "NO I AM!" they sang in unison.
Diamond stomped out. "How 'bout me?"
All the WEAPONS whipped their heads around, looked at Diamond and roared with laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" came a hearty laugh from the WEAPONS.
Ruby raised a pointed claw at Diamond. "HA! YOU! You were stunned! You got destroyed by the Sister Ray dumbass! ROAR!"
Diamond shook violently, roaring savagely. "OH YEAH!"
"Yeah!"
"YEAH?"
"Yeah!"
Sapphire sniffed. "I got decapitated." The WEAPON sniffed sadly. "I never didget a chance to crush those worthless Planet...uh...things!"
"Aaaaaaaawwwwwww!" cooed the studio audience watching this amazing spectacle.
"OOOOOOOOH! YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE THAT WEAPON SYMPATHY DO YOU?" screeched Ruby glaring at the studio audience, emitting an evil ruby glow in its eyes.
"Uh oh..." Emerald cowered, diving back swiftly underwater.
Diamond croaked, opening his torso. "ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!" I WILL KICK YOUR ASSES!" He then cast Diamond Flash on Ruby, causing...not nearly enough to take it down to hell. Ruby found this wholly amusing, cackling insanely rolling around on his metal backside, causing a horrific earthwave in that area. There were shrill shrieks from the Gold Saucer and Corel Prison. "HEY! KEEP IT DOWN WILL YA!" said one prisoner. "I'm trying to die peacefully here!"
"Oh shut up!" Ruby barked, and a flash of ruby light blew up the Gold Saucer. BOOM! Poor Dio was out of a job, and was looking for a local shop to get some new clothing for he had nothing on, no thanks to Ruby WEAPON burning his shorts (or is a thong?) off.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Emerald laughed, pointing at Dio running around with nothing on. "DUMBASS!" Diamond coughed firmly. "Where were we? Oh yeah! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASSES 'CAUSE I AM THE BEST WEAPON EVER!"
"NO I AM!" Ultimate screeched like a fire alarm, swooping down to kick Diamond into the sparkling ocean.
"NO I WILL!" Sapphire screeched, with no-one listening because it was the first WEAPON to be killed off in the series.
With all the arguing that went on between the WEAPONS, Cloud and rest of the group came strolling around to bet their life savings on the Chocobos at the Gold Saucer, but to their horror they sighted nothing but the horrific burnt, crispy ruins of it.
"NOOOOOOOOO! MY LIFE IS OVER!" Cloud burst into tears, kneeling dramatically on the grassy terrain.
"SHIT! IT'S ALL THAT#&$$£# WEAPONS FAULT!" Cid shook his fist.
In an beserk rage, Ruby tackled Ultimate into the sea, in his best attempt to cast Ruby Ray on it, but missed and burnt Diamond to ashes. "ROOOOOOOOOAR! HAHAHAHA! YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'm the only WEAPON that can flyyyyyyy!" chorused Ultimate merrily, floating gracefully in the ocean blue sky.
"Nananananana! You can't catch 'im!" sang Barret joyfully, swaying his arms aimlessly. "Nanananana, he'sda only flying WEAPON!" Tifa firmly put her hands on her hips, giving Barret a brutal -more like weak- punch to the head. "Don't encourage them Barret!" she squealed in her bossiest voice.
Barret nursed his head, cursing. "WHAT'S YO' PROBLEM TIFA? It was a catchy jingle!"
Emerald emerged from the sea, sticking its tongue out, waving it rudely. "HAHAHAHA! I CAN SWIM! AND YOU CAN'T!"
"So can I!" squeaked a now timid Sapphire WEAPON, nodding its head.
Cloud had a bright idea, implied by the light bulb that appeared and hurt his head. Ow. "Ow! Hey why don't we kill all the WEAPONS while they fight! They wouldn't know it if it hit them! I mean...I would love to exchange some dumb harp for Master Materia!"
Yuffie's ears pricked up at the sound of that word. "I'M IN!" So Diamond was out, and Ruby, Emerald, Ultimate and an overlooked Sapphire were still in. Ruby then cackled, in a fit of rage Emerald cast Aire Tam Storm on Ruby, blowing up Corel Town in the process. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!" screamed the villagers.
"Hated that crappy place anyway!" and with that comment said, the former Corellers moved under the sea where they lived with lobsters and seahorses.
Ruby snorted. "THAT HURT BITCH!" It tackled Emerald, while Sapphire jumped up waving its tail. "WHAT ABOUT ME! I WANNA FIGHT!" Ultimate whizzed around aimlessly, singing to the Flintstones theme: " #Ultimate! Ultimate WEAPON! The greatest WEAPON in history! From the Planet's Womb...I'm about about to haphazardly combust! # "
Not releasing the irony of his last words, he exploded when Cid threw Tifa at Ultimate causing undescrible damage to the torso, more than it could take. His explosion destroyed Nibelheim!
"Aw, not again!" frowned Cloud, pouting.
In their own arrogance, Ruby and Emerald were so busy duking it out that they did not notice that Knights of the Round were being mimed again and again and again...one more time after that...no wait one more time after that! Basically the two WEAPONS were blissfully ignorant to see they were getting their asses kicked by Cloud and company.
When they had reached their last ounce of strength -literally-, the two WEAPONS panted.
"WAY TOO...LONG..." Emerald wheezed.
"WHY NOT CALL IT QUI-"
Theirpeace talks were cut off by an vicious explosion that almost destroyed the WHOLE world. The gang had kicked both their asses, the EASY way! Only Sapphire was left, but it didn't want to fight anymore.
"Nah, that stuff isn't for me. Obviously I was not meant to be a boss fight in the game for a reason." It shrugged.
Yuffie happily concluded. "Sucks to be you!"
And with that, they went to give Sapphire a huge group hug, but Tifa got violently crushed in the lovely embrace as her silicon burst in all directions.
"EW! Tifa died again!" Aeris hissed, getting a cloth to wipe off discarded silicon.
Vincent mourned the one he loved with an angst ridden poem, while everyone sadly waved farewell to their new pal Sapphire who was going land a lead part in another crappy Midgar sitcom: "Couch WEAPONS".
"This sucks! Let's go watch "T.U.R.K.S."!"
"YEAH! T.V KICKS ASS!" Barret said with a triumphant punch in the air.
END
WOOT! SAPPHIRE! GO SAPPHIRE! GO! GO! GO! SAPPHIRE!