Confessions
A Harry Potter fanfiction by Meg and Lucy Caine
It was spring 1978 and the war in the British wizarding world still had not come to its end yet. Not one day went by without reading death notices in the Daily Prophet, mainly caused by the followers of the wizard who called himself Lord Voldemort. A name, many people were too afraid to say it out loud even long after the sudden end of the first war. The ones who did, however, well, they were the first to die in the second.
Lily had always been bad at skipping rocks. Yet there she was, her bum planted on the shore of the Lake and a pile of smooth rocks beside her. Despite everyone's jokes about her head always being in a book, there were times when she needed time to herself. And now was one of those times. Lifting a stone, she gave it a toss, watching with a puff of disappointment as it made a large splash and sunk.
"You're not really good in this, are you?" said a cool voice teasingly from behind. The owner of this voice wore a black cloak, which ended at knee-height and had his hands inside his pockets. He had raised an eyebrow, wondering if there was anything he could take points off, because Gryffindor was still in lead.
Without turning, Lily knew who the voice belonged to. Hogwarts was small enough to place the face and name with only a few simple words. "No. Apparently not," she said, keeping her eyes straight ahead. "Thanks for pointing that out."
"No problem, Evans." said Regulus Black and stepped nearer, his grey eyes were flickering over her face and then he began to smile cruelly. "10 points from Gryffindor for disturbing the giant squid."
Lily paused, glancing up at him quickly before bursting out laughing. "Oh! That's rich," she giggled, shaking her head. "Merlin, you think you can take points from me?"
"I can try at least." said Regulus, shrugging. Normally he would have been in the library reading any book he could find, but his idiotic brother was there and nothing could make him going in there now. He simply couldn't risk letting anyone find out his secret.
"Okay, feel free," Lily smirked, a stray giggle escaping her lips. Merlin, revising really was making her go bonkers. Regulus Black made her laugh! Go figure. "Dumbledore would love to hear that. You. Trying to take points off of the Head Girl. Because of the squid!" She nearly dissolved into laughter again.
"Oh, shut up." growled Regulus, his fists clenched inside his pockets to refrain himself from committing murder on the Hogwarts' grounds before he even graduated.
Lily brushed away a tear, gazing up at him with a smirk that bordered on cocky. Perhaps James Potter was rubbing off on her. "Why are you here?" she asked, trying for seriousness.
"I said shut up! Or I'll make you, mud-blood." yelled Regulus. He had come here to be alone. The noise inside the castle, the other students, the damn ghosts and even the portraits along the walls made him lose sanity. And now she, a filthy mud-blood, was talking to him and asking about his reasons to search some peace.
Lily felt the laughter die on her lips as her mouth fell open, hanging there for a second before turning to a tight line. "Your brother is right," she said after a moment, getting to her feet in a smooth motion, brushing dirt from the bum of her skirt. "You are a little bastard."
Her Gryffindor courage, or perhaps stupidity, could not be quelled.
The words were like a punch into his stomach. He had not brother, not anymore. Before he even knew what he was doing, Regulus held his wand in his hand and its edge was pointing at Evans' chest. "Don't talk about things you don't understand." he said, his voice shaking a bit. This girl was so stupid. He could kill her now and surely wouldn't regret it.
Lily's expression was a hard-line, her red hair twisted in her face from the wind and not a wand in sight. It was in her pocket, and she was not so dumb as to make a grab for it. Instead, her eyes traveled down to the tip of the wand, then back to his eyes.
"What don't I understand?" she asked in an even voice, listening for anyone else nearby. "Explain, Black."
Regulus went pale. Though his voice was expressionless and his eyes empty he was shivering. In his mind there were two questions fighting each other to gain mastery: Would she understand? Shouldn't he keep his secret to himself?
Finally he said, in a very slow way "There… are things... a mud-blood... can't and would never... understand. And" he added, his voice growing colder with each word, "even if my life would depend on it I still wouldn't tell you. And I couldn't."
Lily stared, considered pushing the wand aside. She chose against it. "Tell Sirius. It seems like you miss him." His voice was cool, calculating.
"I would never miss a blood-traitor like him." spat Regulus, but the hatred towards his brother was barely to be heard.
Lily shrugged, lifting a caution hand to push the wand away. "Well, that's probably for the best. He has James, now."
For the split of a second something like hurt flashed across Regulus' face. "His new brother." he said weakly, unable to say anything more at her statement. The pain in his chest made him wish to be dead. As much as he tried to ignore it, he knew that Sirius still was his brother and that he could do nothing against it. Blood's thicker than water. But for Sirius he would always be the foolish coward, no matter what.
Lily said nothing, watching the hurt with something that bordered on interest. She knew about Sirius' and Regulus' troubles. But she never imagined herself in this place.
"Something like that." Her voice was cool, her fingers against the wand as she gave it a gentle pull to the side.
Regulus' wand slipped his numb fingers and it felt like hours as it finally hit the ground. "Something like that." he repeated.
Suddenly it began to rain and water was pouring down on them. He swallowed down the upcoming tears, but soon his cheeks were wet and he hoped no one could see the difference between them and the raindrops.
Lily watched the wand fall, the tenseness of her jaw lessening. "It doesn't have to be like that, though." Her voice was just about a whisper, enough to be heard over the rain. "If you just...changed..?"
His eyes were pinned at his wand as Regulus slowly shook his head before he bursted out in laughter. It did not reach his eyes and it sounded desperate than amused. "I can't change." he said then in a flat voice. "Not anymore."
Lily nibbled on her bottom lip, watching the laughter with a distinct urge to leave. To just run away. Instead, she stood her ground. "You should go back to the castle, then."
"No, I don't think so, Lily." said Regulus, not even noticing the use of her first name. His voice was soft and he seemed vulnerable and not like sixteen in this moment. More like the fourteen year old boy, who watched his brother ran away from home, leaving him behind.
"I came here to find some peace for a moment at least. The war outside and even inside the castle wards make me sick." And so does following one of the most evil wizards in the last centuries, he added inside his mind.
Lily blinked, studying his expression for a long moment. She had heard snippets of Sirius' rants over Regulus, specifically about his affiliation in the war. Was this it? A confession of what side he stood for?
"Your brother got away from...that." Her voice was careful, conscious of his temper. "You can, too, can't you?"
Regulus smiled sadly at her, like you would smile at a child to tell you have no sweets left. He picked up his wand, turning it in his hands before he put it back into his pocket. Of course he would need it later to obliviate her, but whatever was coming now could be done without it.
"I can't." he said, not daring to look at her. Inside his head voices were screaming and he knew it were those he tortured.
Lily nearly huffed a sigh, but instead turned away, taking a step away before turning back to him. "Have you already committed? To him? Does Sirius know?" Her voice was accusatory, but there was something else: pity.
He heard the well hidden fear and the pity in her voice, gently ignoring the accusation. Bitter amusement spread all across his face. The rain was drenching his robe and water still wet his face, but there were no tears falling down anymore. He opened his mouth to answer, but no sound escaped his lips so he simply pulled up his left sleeve. Only enough to reveal the head of a hissing snake.
Lily felt her breathing hitch, and almost without control of her legs, she took a step forward, looking down at exposed part of the Mark with furrowed brows. All Regulus had wanted was some peace, but now he was standing opposite the mud-blood and her eyes were fixed upon the proof of his cowardice: the Dark Mark.
"Why?" she asked, gazing up with wide eyes. "Why the hell would you..." Her voice trailed, eyes searching his face for an answer.
"Because I am a coward." said Regulus, telling her what Sirius said to him more than once. He was glad he knew how to ban any emotional expression from his face. He thought feelings to be personal and no one else except him should know them.
Lily felt her jaw tense, pity entering her eyes once more. Wondering what his home life and Sirius', for that matter was like. "Perhaps." She searched for something else to say, but all she could manage was a shake of her head. "Or just incredibly thick. I can't decide."
"Say that again and you'll be the lunch for the squid." said Regulus. Though his words were joking, he wasn't certain if he would not do it. Actually there was not much left what he would hesitate to do.
Lily's attempt to smile was pathetic. She was still staring at the place where the tattoo had been. "Does Sirius know?" The question seemed important. Important enough to ask a second time.
Feeling her stare at his left forearm Regulus pulled down his sleeve and held his arm behind his back. "He has some assumptions." he said quietly and his voice cracked. He tried to hide his weakness with a smile but failed miserably.
Lily looked up, pushing aside the distinct urge to hug him. Or just slap some sense into his thick skull. "You know where Sirius stands on the war, don't you? How could you go against your own brother?" Her voice was a demand more than anything.
Regulus wanted her to stop talking, to stop asking the questions, which made him wake up at night and tortured his soul. And most of all he wanted to be alone, but the bloodcurdling screams were always there, locked up inside his head. He always told himself that he had no chance of refusing to serve him, though this was not the complete truth.
"He might be one of the good guys." he said. "But he's going to Azkaban for murder some day, I tell you..." Sirius could deny his blood and his family, however, he could not change the way he had been raised and he knew a lot of Dark Magic, which was not so different to Light Magic in many ways. "Sirius went against me, Lily, not other way round."
Lily wanted to laugh. Not because anything Regulus said was particularly funny, but because it was so insane. The thought of Sirius murdering anyone? Ridiculous!
"I'm sure you'll be the first in Azkaban, Regulus." She paused, shaking her head as if to ward away the bad thoughts. "Sirius made the right choice, Regulus. You just followed your parents."
"I rather die before I go to Azkaban." said Regulus and narrowed his eyes, which were piercing into her green ones. "Oh, indeed, Sirius made the right choice from your perspective, mud-blood." His voice was venomous. "But he was the one who left and betrayed me." A curt laugh followed his words, before he continued quietly. "I just did what I thought could safe my life."
Lily stared at him, believing every word he said about dying before going to Azkaban. It seemed in his nature, really. "At least Sirius doesn't need to fear for his life. He doesn't have to answer to any master. You will have him breathing down your neck for the rest of your life."
Oddly enough Regulus seemed amused, in particular by her last sentence. "And the rest of my life will be what? Five years? Two? Or only a few months!"
He ran his hand through his hair and again Lily could see the Dark Mark, this time in its frightening totality.
Lily cringed, taking a step backwards. She tried not to think of her own, potentially shortened, longevity. Yet Regulus seemed to have his own time mapped out. "I'm leaving." She was done with this. Done with this strange, possibly insane, boy.
Regulus watched her leave. The voices in his mind suddenly stopped screaming and started to laugh, which was worse than their screams before. He pressed his hands on his ears, trying to make them shut up.
A few days went by until he realised that he had not told her not to tell anyone about his belongings. He would go to Azkaban! This very thought made him unaware to anything else going on around him. He did not feel the glares of the other houses anymore, nor did he hear the whispers when he passed them in the hallways.
Yet, Lily did not tell anyone. She considered reporting it to Dumbledore, even Sirius. But she couldn't. A part of it was protectiveness over the boy who obviously needed someone in his corner, and another part concern for her own safety. How selfish of her! Instead, she buried herself in the library, shrugging off the attention of the rest of her friends and even James. Lost in her own thoughts.
After searching for hours for the girl, he trusted his life to Regulus gave up and went up the stairs to the library. Perhaps he would find some Gryffindor first years trying to sneak into the Restricted Section (his favourite section of the library, still it was not that good as the library at Grimmauld Place) and could take points of them. He hadn't slept since he gave away his secret and his movements were nervous as he spotted a red-haired sitting at a desk for two, studying a book.
Lily was pouring over the text, her hair clouding her vision and quill poised in hand beside a roll of parchment. Her mind was far away, hardly focusing on the potions essay. She was thinking about Regulus, about his confession. She hardly heard his presence.
Knowing how much this could startle someone lost in thoughts, Regulus softly placed his hand on her shoulder. He bent down and murmured into her ear "I hope you've been quiet about it, Lily."
Lily nearly screamed, but managed to keep it in. Instead, her hand twitched, spilling over her essay and onto the floor. "Damn!" she hissed, looking up at him. "Where did you come from?"
"From behind." said Regulus simply and handed over her essay, which he had leviated from the floor with a casual wave of his hand. He sat down opposite her and watched her intently, still demanding an answer.
Taking a deep breath to calm her racing heart, Lily accepted the essay with a slight narrowing of her eyes. She hated to be startled, and having Regulus Black as the culprit hardly made matters much better. "Quiet about what?" Her voice was indignant, turning her attention back to her essay, which had luckily escaped being covered in ink.
"What I told you accidentally a few days ago." Regulus said casually, sounding like he was merely talking about a new robe he wanted to buy. "You know which I mean." He watched over her shoulder trying to make listeners go away by using his deadly glare.
Lily sighed, wishing for nothing more than to be left alone. Even if she had spent the past days worrying about this exact conversation, she was not eager to actually experience his company. It was bad enough to spend time with Sirius- it was a constant debate of whether or not she should tell him all she had learned. Yet, she hadn't. And she still wasn't planning on it. Yet. Regulus didn't need to know that, though.
"Sirius was interested to know a few things," she mumbled, keeping her eyes on the essay.
Regulus went pale but his voice was controlled as he said "And what did you tell him?"
He removed his hands from the table, not wanting her to see how much they shook. The blood-traitor would accuse him in front of the whole school, if he ever found out.
"You know," Lily nearly drawled, flipping the page of one of the books beside her elbow just to give her hands something to do. She could feel a quiver running down her bones that had to be covered up. "General things."
"General things" repeated Regulus breathlessly. This could mean so much! General things like "You're brother fights on the other side, you know." or "You-know-who has found a new follower in the Slytherin you call brother."
Lily shrugged in near indifference, glancing up at his expression with a small frown. Perhaps making Regulus sweat would be a good thing. Perhaps it would be enough to make him reevaluate his life choices. Maybe, just maybe, he could make a change.
"What did you tell him?" asked Regulus again, and before Lily could react he held her hands in his and his wand at her throat. "What!"
Lily felt her breathing hitch as he grabbed her hands, and then stop altogether as the wand found its way to her throat. "I won't tell you if you're going to do that," she nearly spat, once her breathing returned. "Let go of me."
The Slytherin laughed coldly, though he let go off her hands he still held his wand aimed at her throat, searching with the other hand for a phial including Veritaserum. A potion he had stolen from Slughorn, the Potions master of Hogwarts who wouldn't even notice its absence.
Lily should have told him. But her eyes were hard, watching him rummage through his pocket with dark curiosity. "How long do you reckon until someone sees us, Regulus?" Or, she considered, until I call out to the next student who passes?
"It might take a while." Regulus said, grinning like mad at her. He placed the phial in front of her and continued. "Until I'm done with you, mud-blood."
Lily tried to keep her stare from faltering, but she caved, glancing down at the bottle with weariness entering her eyes. "What have you got there?"
"Don't you reckon it?" asked Regulus quietly, his eyes glinting in the last light of the sun coming through the windows.
"Veritaserum?" Lily asked, her voice nearly a whisper. "How'd you get it, Regulus?"
"Stole it, Lily." said Regulus. "Take it or I'll force you to and let me assure you- I would!" He looked down at her and determination and hidden rage in his eyes.
"Can't I just tell you? No potion?" she asked in the most diplomatic voice possible, glancing between phial and the proximity of his wand. "It would be much easier."
"And how could I know it is the truth you want me to believe?" said Regulus, still not lowering his wand. "You choose: Veritaserum or Imperius."
"Veritaserum," Lily said quietly, moving her hand as slowly as possible towards her wand, stowed away in her pocket. "I'll take it myself, thanks."
"Don't try to play any games with me." Regulus whispered and took his wand away from her throat but it still pointed at her.
Lily's one hand continued to creep, while the other reached for the phial. "How did you manage to steal it?" she asked, conversationally, lifting it up to eye level.
"I'm a Black and you know how fond Slughorn is of me. Of course" he admitted. "I could have brewed it myself but this way it's easier. Now drink."
There it was. Finally, Lily felt the tips of her finger make contact around the hilt of her wand. Yet, she made no motion to draw it. Not yet. "I'm not drinking all it. I will be spilling secrets for weeks."
"You won't." said Regulus, looking hurt by her words. "I changed the amount of one of its ingredients. And charmed it... just tell me what you've told my brother."
Lily was impressed, but she was in no rush to tell Regulus of that. Instead, in a smooth, nearly practiced movement, she drew her wand, keeping it pointed steadily at his chest.
"No. I'd really rather not, Regulus."
Instantly Regulus stepped back eyeing her wand, but his wand was still aimed at her. "Tell me." he repeated, through gritted teeth. He could not dare to use a Dark Spell in Hogwarts, especially not in the library, for books were holy to him. "Please." he added in a hoarse whisper.
Lily's wand did not shake and her glare did not falter. With her wand in hand, she felt a surge of confidence. "I didn't tell Sirius anything. I bluffed." She lifted her narrow shoulders in an indifferent shrug.
Regulus lowered his wand completely. He turned and wanted to leave the library. Then he froze. "Will you tell him?" he asked his back turned at her and his voice nearly too quiet to be heard. Somehow he wanted his brother to know and he wanted to tell him that he wasn't a coward and that he still thought of him as his brother, but all this would Sirius never know nor believe.
Lily stared at him, her wand only half lowered. "I don't know if it would do any good, Regulus. You're too far gone." Her voice was nearly apologetic.
"Thanks for listening to me." Regulus said finally. He turned around once more, his wand pointing again and for the last time in their life at her. Only having books his witnesses. "Obliviate."
Only a few years later Regulus Black would turn his back on his Master, to steal one of his Horkruxes. He would die all on his own in a cave, only accompanied by his House Elf Kreacher, who would be given the order to destroy the locket with an ornate green "S" on its front as soon as possible.
Sirius had been wrong- he never was a coward, but he liked his life so he obeyed until he discovered the truth.
A/N: Please leave a comment on if and how you liked this oneshot, so that I can improve myself. Sincerely, Lucy C.
31.08.2012