Disclaimer: blah blah, if you're here, you know it.

Love

Chapter One

I stared at my arm. I was disgusted with myself. The brief moment of relief that it gave me went as quickly as I had done it. A trickle of blood dripped down. My body shook as I threw the knife across the room. No, no more, I tried telling myself there was no way I was going to let it get to me like this. I had never done this before or even imagined it, but the pain was too much to bear.

My breathing got heavier, the pain in my chest set in, I couldn't take it. It was as if I was having a panic attack. Never have I felt this bad before. I collapsed onto my bedroom floor, and sobbed.

I'm broken.

Earlier

Our anniversary was coming up. I could barely hold in my excitement. I've never been in love or had feelings for anyone as much as I do for him. We had just come back from a vacation together, and everything was perfect. So many people mistake us for being a newlywed couple - that was the kind of bliss that we were giving off. I loved him, and he loved me. With only a few days to go, I rushed around the mall trying to find everything in order to make our day perfect. After all, with only three days to go, there wasn't much time. So there it was, staring at me, the bracelet with an engraving, the perfect card that took a half an hour to pick out, the massage oil, the candles and of course the lingerie.

Of course...asides from having Matt in my life, things were not perfect. I was twenty years old...about to turn twenty-one and I was about to finish university, yet I still had no idea what I was going to do. The job I wanted was difficult to get into...there were way too many teachers out there and not enough positions...I still lived at home as well, and had a lame part-time retail job to support my spending habits. I was feeling down, but of course when you love someone and you know that they love you back, just the thought of them makes you smile.

I felt my wave of bad mood coming on and started to cry, and I figured that this time I should call Matt, and talk to him.

He picked up, "hey, I'm busy right now. I'm watching a movie so I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"But..."

"Goodnight." And he hung up.

I stared at the phone not wanting to believe what had just happened. Thirty minutes passed when I called him back angrily and crying, "Matt, I've been feeling really bad lately, can we please talk?"

He sighed, "listen, Sora, I'm really tired right now, I had a long day, now I just want to relax so I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"But I've been feeling really depressed and down...I need someone to talk to."

"If you're feeling depressed and down, I'm not the one to help you with that."

I was confused, "but aren't you my boyfriend? I wanted to talk to you about it."

"I'm tired."

I sobbed onto the phone, "but you're supposed to make me feel better when I cry, don't you love me?"

Silence. After what seemed like forever he said "honestly...I don't know."

So there it was. I sobbed on the phone. I was already sitting on my bed, yet somehow I had slid onto the floor. He told me he didn't love me anymore, he told me that when he said 'I love you' last week, he suddenly realized he didn't mean it. He said it happened gradually. And at my weakened state, I begged him to not break up with me, whatever was bothering him we could fix it. I wanted a second chance. I pleaded. I was weak. I couldn't think, I couldn't believe what was happening, how could it be that one hour ago everything was just fine? He told me he was tired and would talk to me about this in person tomorrow.

So then it happened, my mind just went blank with all the pain I felt, and I picked up the sharp knife from downstairs, and brought it to my room and I stood there and made a small cut into my arm. And then I made another one, and another one.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this pain.

I cried myself to sleep that night. After calling Mimi and telling her everything, she herself couldn't believe it, because even to her, everything had seemed to be going well and suddenly, out of the blue it happened. I woke up after an hour of sleep and cried some more. It hurt. My heart actually felt like it was in pain.

But I told myself to get up and so I did, I did it slowly, step by step, I took a shower, I blow-dried my hair, then I straightened it, and dressed. He told me he was going to see me today, and that was my motivation for leaving the house.

I called him from school, we were supposed to meet there and talk, it was 9:00am. He didn't pick up. Not caring how desperate it would look to him, I kept calling and calling, but he never picked up. Finally after a long and endless five minutes he called back. He told me he didn't sleep until 5, and that he'd be at school to talk to me sometime before 12:30.

So I sat there and waited. I found an empty classroom where we could talk, and at 12:15 he called and said he was here. So then he walked into the room. He didn't look any better than I did, but I still felt love for him, I wanted more than anything for him to just say it was all a joke, or a lie, or just a nightmare that I had and I wanted him to kiss me so bad. But instead he just asked me how I was feeling.

I cried, "why are you doing this?"

He explained to me. It was my jealousy, it was the pressure he felt from the relationship, and it was simply the fact that he didn't love me anymore. He only saw me as a friend. I didn't want to believe it. Again I sobbed and begged for another chance, and all he kept saying was no. I told him that I had forgiven him twice, and why couldn't he just do it this once for me? I just wanted things to work out. I wanted him to hold me and tell me he loves me. After talking in circles for an hour he said he had to go. I told him I didn't want to be alone, and begged him just to stay. Glancing at my arm, I was scared to be alone with myself. But he just looked at me, and said sorry. He kissed my forehead and walked out of the room and left me there to cry.

Over the next few days there were moments we talked over the phone.

I realized my mistakes.

He realized his mistakes.

We talked things out to try to understand each other and what went wrong in our relationship.

I was a jealous person, and I let things get to me easily and overreacted.

He misinterpreted a lot of things and kept all his problems inside.

He felt pressured because I loved him so much, and it made him feel guilty and that I deserve someone who would love me as much as I love him.

He told me he regretted his decision, and how he handled things, and that maybe he should've taken some time during the vacation to have a serious talk about our relationship.

But still, we weren't back together.

He said he needed time to think and that 'there's always hope'.

But I was an idiot and I kept calling him, just wanting to hear his voice, just hoping that he'd tell me he realized that it was a huge mistake and he wanted to try and work things out.

I knew I shouldn't have called, but I couldn't help it. I was weak and I gave in.

Then he told me to stop calling him everyday, because now I was giving him more pressure and that he really need time.

I'm afraid though, I'm afraid that if I give him all that time he'll realize that he doesn't need me.

So I spent most of the week lying in bed, waiting for the call. I would go out with friends for a few hours, but it wasn't great, my mind was elsewhere. I wanted him. I needed him.

The longer I waited, the angrier I got. How could he throw our relationship away like that? We were happy, we were good, we had been through so much together, and I loved him, so much.

Then I ran into someone.

It was someone who had been my best friend in the past, but I knew the reason we didn't talk anymore was because I started a relationship with Matt.

I ran over to him and hugged him. I pretended everything was okay, we talked about everything except relationships. For the first time in a week I was happy.

Tai and I started talking more for the next week. We called each other everyday, it was then, he finally asked me how Matt was, and I told him, everything, the happiness and the sudden shock and heartache.

"Sora, he's just an idiot, he'll come around and realize he still loves you, just give him time."

"I don't want to give him time! I want him to make up his mind, I know I sound impatient, but why do I have to wait around for his answer? Why can't he just either break me even more so that I'll hate him, or get back together with me? I hate that he's giving me hope."

"So then don't wait, spend time with friends, especially awesome ones, like me," and he gave me that dorky smile that I didn't even realize I missed so much.

"Oh, Tai! I missed you...why did we ever stop talking?"

"Sora...You know why..."

And I knew...I still remembered that day when I stood outside debating whether or not I should give Matt the cookies. The look on Tai's face and the sound of his voice still made me cringe. I felt so guilty, but I didn't have feelings for him. I had...at one point, but he never made a move and it was just frustrating...and besides...after finally seeing Matt when everyone met up again, we just started talking more and I eventually developed feelings for him instead.

"I'm sorry."

"Its okay, Sora, we're talking again now, and that's all that matters."

I smiled, I felt grateful to have Tai come back into my life again.

Another few days went by without hearing anything from Matt. I deleted his number off my phone knowing that I'd have more time to stop myself from calling. It hurt so much inside...there was a part of me that didn't want to let go of my hope, I wanted to keep holding on, I wanted to wait for him. But the longer I waited, the more I cried. It wasn't the sobbing that I did weeks ago, instead now it was tears running down my cheeks anytime during the day. Just when I was starting to feel numb, the pain would hit me again.

Then he called. Being the idiot that I was, I picked up.

"Hey, Sora...how are you feeling?"

"...I don't know."

"Well...you know I'm always here for you right? I'm worried about you."

"Why?"

"Because, Sora, I still care about you...just because we're not together, it doesn't mean I don't care. We can still talk to each other, and you can tell me how things are going in your life. I still want you in my life...as a friend."

I sat there in silence, "...I gotta go, Matt," and I hung up. I kept my phone in my hands for about five minutes, hoping he would call back, but he didn't.

I wanted to talk to him, so bad, but I told myself I shouldn't, because it was simple as this, he doesn't love me anymore and it was time to move on.

When that harsh reality hit, I felt the pain all over again...but this time I knew that I couldn't be alone. So I called Tai.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Tai, can we get together?"

"When?"

"Right now...I really need someone to talk to."

"Uh, sure, Sora, I'll be right over, give me about thirty minutes."

We hung up and I walked over to my mirror.God I look like such a mess. So for the first time in weeks I wanted to make an effort. If Matt was going to leave me, I should make him regret it. I stared at myself, and studied my features. I wasn't ugly...I was pretty. Sure, I'm not top model material, but I know that I am attractive, I had to be. I mean...a rock star like Matt did fall for me one point. I smiled weakly at my reflection and then got out my makeup. Slowly I improved myself...first the foundation...at an attempt to cover up the dark circles I was starting to develop over the lack of sleep...then I put on mascara and eyeliner...it made my eyes not so sad anymore...then I put on blush and lipstick...finally some colour to my face after weeks of looking pale. I brushed my hair out and straightened it, I took off the frumpy clothes I was wearing and changed into a pair of shorts and a fitted t-shirt. I looked into the mirror again and felt slight happiness. I didn't look that bad anymore...I looked almost like myself again.

Then the doorbell rang, I opened it up and Tai greeted me with a hug. "Hey! You actually look good today!"

"What do you mean 'actually'?"

"Uh...I mean...you know...uhh...heh heh sorry!"

I smiled and gave him a light punch. "Yeah...I know. This must've been the first time I wore makeup in weeks."

"I mean! It's not that you look bad or anything without it! I just meant that you look better than usual. I mean! Ah! Okay there is no way that this is gonna sound right."

I giggled. "Tai, it's okay! Everyone knows girls look better with the proper makeup on, and anyone who can't admit it is deluded."

"Alright...so what did you want to talk about?"

"Well...let's drink first!" I walked over to the alcohol cabinet and pulled out some vodka, went to the fridge and pulled out juices. He followed me to the counter and sat a stool.

"Uh...what are you making?"

"Sex on the beach...it's my favourite drink...want one?"

"Not really...it sounds kinda girly."

"Fine, you can have straight shots of the vodka then." I poured the vodka into a shot glass for him and he drank it right away. "Hey! You didn't even wait for me to get my drink yet!"

"Ha ha sorry, couldn't help it."

I smiled and mixed my drink first and then poured him another one. "Well...this is to you, and your awesomeness and me and my awesomeness!" We downed both our drinks and I sat down next to him.

"So, Sora, what's with the spontaneous invite over?"

My smile disappeared, "oh...well..."

He looked into my eyes which were starting to form tears. "It's Matt again isn't it? Sora! I thought you told me you were ready to move on, or that you've already started to!"

"Well...I kept telling myself that! I thought that by telling myself, I'd be able to...but then he called me today..."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing really...that he was always going to be there if I needed a friend to talk to..."

"And that's not what you want."

"No...It's too hard to be a friend with someone you love."

"Yeah...I know." I looked over at Tai, for the first time in these past weeks I saw him look sad, but a split second later he was smiling again. "Come on Sora, let's have another drink."

The two of us moved to the living room couch and drank and talked until we were both too drunk to carry on a normal conversation. Then the sleepy part of the drunken phase hit us and I started to fall asleep on the couch sitting next to Tai.

"Mmmm, Sora...Isn't your mom gonna kick my ass if she finds out that I let you get drunk?"

"No...she's away...visiting dad."

"Oh okay...yay..." Five seconds later, I heard snoring next to my ear. I passed out as well.

I woke up the next morning when I felt a strong bright light going through my eyelids. I groaned. Slowly I opened my eyes and saw Tai sleeping next to me on the couch...although I was about to fall over. I was about to get up and brush my teeth and get myself looking decent...before Tai had to wake up to my morning monster, but something stopped me. I was comfortable lying there next to him. Maybe I just missed having the company...and waking up next to someone. So I laid there for another hour with Tai sleeping peacefully before I finally got up. I walked over to the cabinet and took two aspirins and drank them down quickly, the last thing I needed was a bad hangover. I walked over to the coffee table next to the couch and set a glass of water and the bottle in case Tai woke up while I was showering. I brushed my teeth and took a quick hot shower. When I walked into my room to find something to put on, I noticed my phone beeping on my dresser. I walked over to it and saw that I had 10 missed calls, and they were all from Matt. The peacefulness that I felt when I woke up was suddenly gone, all that I felt right was anger. I threw my phone onto my bed when I heard it ring again. It was Matt...After a few seconds of hesitation, I picked up.

"Hello?"

"Sora! Where were you...I was getting worried."

"What does it matter to you Matt?"

"Sora, just because we're not together, it doesn't mean I don't care about you! After you hung up, I realized that I might've made you feel even worse...so I got worried...I heard from Mimi...what you did...to your arm."

"I'm fine Matt."

"Are you sure? I'll come over."

"Matt, I said I'm fine!" But he had already hung up. I tried to call him back, but he didn't pick up. Sighing, I slowly dressed myself and brushed out my hair. Suddenly I realized Tai was still sleeping. I ran out into the living room about to wake him up, but found him there sleeping so peacefully. Besides...waking up someone the next morning when they've drunken that much wasn't always pleasant.

Then I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and there stood Matt. This was the first time I saw him in weeks...and as always...he looked amazing. I felt the pain hit me again. "Hey, Sora," he gave me a hug.

I backed away from him quickly. "Hey, Matt..." I was unable to look at his eyes...those amazing eyes...I bit my lip. "Matt, I told you I was fine, you didn't have to come."

"I know...but I just had to know that you were okay...and make sure you weren't lying about it."

"I'm fine."

We stood there silently for a while. "Alright...well I got to get to my band prac-" I noticed him looking on the hallway mat. His eyes were on Tai's shoes. "Someone's over? A guy?"

"Matt, just go." I tried to close the door on him but he stopped me, he had the look in his eyes...the jealousy...he hadn't looked that way in years.

"Sora! Answer me! I know you were hurt but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with some random person!"

Feeling furious I yelled back, "I didn't have sex with anyone! You know I'm not like that! You of all people should know! And it's not some random guy! It's Tai! And why should it matter to you anyways if it was anyone else? You broke-"

"Tai's here?" Matt's voice cracked. "I thought you haven't talked to him in years..."

"Yes! Goodbye Matt."

"...Bye."

I closed the door and fell to the floor and tears started to roll down my eyes. Tai walked over and sat down next to me. "Hey...Sora...don't cry again." He put his arms around my shoulders.

"It hurts, Tai...I still love him..." I sobbed onto his shoulder. I couldn't believe that he would think that of me...I thought he knew me.

"It's okay...you'll move on...you're a strong and an amazing person Sora, you'll be okay. I'll be here for you." He stayed there for another hour as I wept, then he left because he had to go home to do some errands.

The following day after class, Matt was waiting for me outside the lecture hall. "Can we talk, Sora?"

"About what?"

"Come over to my place, Sora, so we can talk privately."

"You're not telling me what you want to talk about."

"About us."

"There isn't an 'us' anymore, remember?"

"Please, Sora, let's talk somewhere alone, alright?"

I sighed. I guess he was right, talking about anything on campus wasn't going to give us the privacy we needed, especially if it would lead me to tears again. "Fine."

When we got back to his place, we sat down on the couch. "Sora, I miss you."

I stared at him...it was what I wanted to hear him say for so long, and here he was...telling me those words. "...You do?"

"Yes, but...if we're going to make things work, we have to fix our problems...that is...if you still want to."

I nodded in agreement. I still loved him, I would do anything to have him back. He leaned over and kissed me passionately. I had been craving this for weeks. I kissed him back and the kissing became more aggressive and needy. "God...I missed you so much, Sora." His hands ravaged my entire body and I let him, before I knew it, we were having the best sex we've ever had.

Afterwards, he let me cuddle with him, I looked up at him and he smiled and gave me a soft kiss on my forehead. I turned away from him so that he could hold me, but before I knew it, tears were falling down my eyes. We were back together...but I still felt empty, I still felt the pain...did he still love me? Not being able to answer yes to my own question made more tears cascade down. And the entire time, Matt, the man that I loved, had no idea.

To be continued...

I know, it was very emo the first chapter. But that's how break ups are and that's what a girl can go through.