This story follows on from 'Two Hawkes Walked into a Bar' and is co-written by two authors, using 'our' Hawkes and Shepards, who've appeared in several other stories. We had a lot of fun writing this and we hope you'll also enjoy it!
A quick heads-up on the characters: Lorelai Hawke (from story 'Aftermath'), pregnant with Anders's child but married Sebastian after believing she'd killed Anders on the steps of the Gallows.
Fletcher Hawke (Per Ardua ad Astra): Mage (healer) who loves food, fashion and interior design. Romantically involved with Fenris.
Kate Shepard (A Future Earned): Paragon and all-round American hero. Chose to destroy the Reapers and is married to Kaidan Alenko.
Adam Shepard (The Next Great Adventure): Has Renegade leanings but isn't evil, just has no time or patience for idiots. Romantically involved with Steve Cortez.
Sorry for the long A/N but hopefully it'll help familiarise you with the characters. You might also find it helpful to read the prequel, 'Two Hawkes Walked into a Bar'. Okay, enough waffling and on with the story!
Two Hawkes Walked onto the Normandy
It was Happy Hour at the Hanged Man and, as was usual during this wondrous event, ale, laughter and song flowed freely. A few patrons even started up an impromptu dance, so happy were they that the watered-down swill they were drinking was half price. During Happy Hour, the hub of criminal activity and squalid sexual encounters that was the Hanged Man was transformed into an almost mystical place, one where its downtrodden or unsavoury clientele could leave their woes at the door.
Almost all of its clientele, that was. Seated at a rickety table in a corner were a human, an elf and a dwarf who looked like they had the weight of Thedas on their shoulders. All three were staring at a large book as the dwarf turned its pages, shaking his head.
"Will you stop doing that?" Fenris asked irritably. "Do you think the words will magically appear in your book just because you wish it?"
"Four months," muttered Varric, still turning the pages despite the evil look the elf was sending his way. "Four sodding months and nothing! What the hell is going on, Hawke?"
Fletcher blinked and gawked at the dwarf. "Why are you asking me?"
"Because you know what's going on in our author's head. You're the only one of us that's an original creation. You came from her mind, what there is of it."
"If I knew exactly what was going on in her head, don't you think I'd know why I've spent the last four months in this shithole?" Fletcher demanded, his irritation matching that of the elf. "And Fenris and I haven't had it for nearly five," he whined.
"Must you always be so indiscreet?" Fenris hissed, and Fletcher huffed, folding his arms.
"Yeah, fat chance of that!"
"Settle down, fellas," Varric advised. "I get it, okay? You've both got blue balls and you're ready to stick a pitchfork in the eye of the next person who looks at you the wrong way. But we got bigger concerns. What if something's happened to our author? What if we're stuck here for the rest of our lives?"
Two huge pairs of panic-filled eyes fixed on Varric, and he sighed, thumbing to his left. "Why can't you two go out back? There's no one there. Just get it out of your systems!"
"Well, I'd be quite happy to, but someone-who-shall-remain-nameless won't do it in here," Fletcher griped with a pointed look at Fenris, who leaned forward, his chin jutting outward as he prodded the table with a finger.
"You would quite happily disrobe yourself in this rat-infested pit of feculence, wouldn't you?"
"Er… obviously?" replied the mage.
"Well, some of us have higher standards than that!"
"Yes, and some of us will in that case remain celibate! Not to mention, tetchy!"
"Not to mention, childish!" snapped the elf.
"Quit it, you two," Varric groaned as the frustrated pair stared daggers at each other across the table. "Where is everyone, anyway? I told them all what time we'd be here. I thought at least old Frosty Britches would have shown up."
"To whom are you referring, ser?" asked a man speaking in a rich brogue who'd appeared at Varric's side. "Not my good lady wife, surely?"
"Hey! It's, ah… Thingy!" Varric guessed astutely. "Hey, Hawke? You remember uh, Messere…?"
"Sebastian Vael, at your service," he answered with a bow, and Fenris shot to his feet.
"Your Highnesses," the elf greeted with a bow of his own before stepping aside and offering Sebastian's companion his seat.
"Oh, Lorelai!" Hawke chirped, also standing up. "My little sister! Only… you're not so… um… ah… ahaha…" He cleared his throat as Lorelai waddled to the chair and sat down with a thud.
"It's all right, you don't need to beat about the bush," she groused. "I know I'm huge. Wouldn't you be if you were fourteen months pregnant?"
"What?" gasped Fletcher.
"Alas, it's true," Sebastian said, shaking his head with a forlorn sigh. "Varric, we heard ye'd called another meetin' and wanted tae attend as our author has no' updated her story for more than eight months, and ma poor wife just keeps growin' and growin'."
"Yeah, we got the same problem here," Varric muttered. "Only here, balls are growing."
"She let Marie have her baby though, didn't she?" Lorelai interrupted. "Nearly killed her, too, but at least she had the thing! But look at me! Just look at me! I'll give birth to a bronto at this rate! I'm hideous! Waaaaaah!" She promptly burst into tears, and Sebastian immediately moved to her side, patting her on the shoulder.
"There, there, dear," he commiserated, and Fenris, his eyes as wide as saucers, slowly backed away before mumbling something about it being 'his turn' and sprinting to the bar. "She keeps doin' this," Sebastian said to Fletcher. "I cannae seem to console her."
"It's her hormones, your Highness," Fletcher informed him, moving his chair and lifting the princess's legs onto it. "Just look at those ankles, you poor thing. I have just the thing for you. I'll only be a minute," he said kindly to Lorelai, who sniffled and nodded her head.
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before, ser?" Sebastian asked Fletcher, who was rifling through his pack.
"No," he answered abruptly.
"But I could have sworn–"
"He said no, your Royalness," Varric chipped in. "Now, with all due respect of your station and all that, let's get this meeting underway. Broody!" he yelled. "Get your bony ass over here!"
The elf slowly returned to the group, a wary eye on the overwrought woman. "What did you just say?" he demanded of the dwarf.
"I said, 'let's get this meeting underway'. Okay, it seems there's a problem with our authors, and we need to get to the bottom of it. Any ideas?"
A thoughtful silence fell, and as Fletcher gave Lorelai a herbal tonic to settle her nerves, Fenris frowned in their direction. "Are you going to tell them?"
"What, that I had a dream?" Fletcher scoffed, and Lorelai's head snapped up.
"What sort of dream?" she whispered. "Was it about a man with oily black hair who has glowing blue hands?"
"Uh, no," Fletcher mumbled. "I keep dreaming about a really good-looking bloke with dark skin and gorgeous blue eyes. And that smile," he recalled with a soppy grin before his eyes locked with Fenris's.
"Yes, I would also like to know who this man is," said the elf irately.
"You hadnae told me ye'd been havin' dreams, darlin'," Sebastian said to Lorelai. "Aboot a man wi' black hair?"
"I can't help what I dream about, dear," she replied, feeling much better after Fletcher's remedy. "I didn't think it meant anything until Fletcher mentioned dreams."
"And what does this man in your dreams do?" Fenris demanded.
Fletcher shrugged and grabbed a nearby chair before sitting down next to Lorelai. "I think he must be a farmer or something, because he keeps mentioning a shepherd."
Varric groaned. "Look, can we get on with this?" he asked, but Lorelai sat bolt upright, grabbing Fletcher's arm.
"Did you say 'shepherd'?"
"Yes, why?"
"But… that's what the man in my dreams says," she replied, frowning. "It's like he's looking at me, but in a certain way. Like he's in love with me," she confided before glancing at Sebastian. "Can't help it. Dreams," she reminded him.
"Okay," Fletcher said. "This is more than a coincidence. The man in my dreams looks at me like he wants to rip my clothes off with his teeth. And, oh, those teeth…" He cleared his throat. "He keeps waggling his eyebrows and winking at me."
"Excuse me," Fenris growled, standing up. "Fletcher, a word, if you will."
The mage shook his head. "No, Fen, you don't understand. The last time Lorelai and I met, we discussed our dreams then. We discovered that we often dream what our authors are thinking about, and can sometimes predict what's going to happen in our own lives because of it."
"And?" the elf asked sternly.
"Well, don't you see? Our authors aren't updating their stories about us because they're thinking about shepherds and men with oily hair who waggle their eyebrows!" He paused for dramatic effect before standing up and placing a hand on his brow. "They're cheating on us!"
"Those bastards!" Varric replied. "All right, Hawke. Hawkes. What else do you remember? I need names, places. Something I can get down on paper," he said, dipping his quill into an ink pot.
"Um," Fletcher mumbled, looking at Lorelai. "I think they drink at the Normandy pub, or something like that."
"Yes!" she agreed. "And they must be farmers because they also mentioned… reaping? Harvesting? Their crops, maybe?"
Fletcher nodded enthusiastically, re-taking his seat. "That's right. They're reapers and shepherds, and they drink at the Normandy. And they spend a lot of time there."
"Got it," said Varric, who was making notes. "Well, here goes nothing. Let's see if we can't write ourselves into the Normandy pub."
"And put these farmers in their place," Fenris snarled, his nose wrinkling.
"I agree," Sebastian piped up. "Usually, I wouldnae advocate violence, but if need be, we must defend ourselves."
Lorelai and Fletcher looked at each other and rolled their eyes.
"Shh," Varric ordered before clearing his throat and reading from his book. "'The friends strolled out of the Hanged Man and straight into the Normandy, where they met the shepherds'." He closed the book and nodded towards the door. "Let's go. It can't hurt to try, right?"
~o~O~o~
"Are you planning on doing any work today, Mr. Vega?" Lieutenant Cortez shouted across the shuttle bay.
"I am working," grunted James as he completed another pull-up. "One hundred twelve. You need to chill out, Esteban. Checking your inventory for the third time isn't working, it's bein' stupid. One hundred thirteen."
"Oh, really? I'm stupid? You do realise that Shepard's gonna be down here in half an hour, and he'll want his inventory report?"
James stilled on the bar. "That's today?"
"Yeah, that's today, genius," laughed Cortez, walking over to James. "Need a hand?"
James dropped off the bar and rolled his shoulders. "Man, if you weren't… you know, I'd kiss you. But that's not gonna happen. Dream on, lover boy."
"You wish, Vega," Cortez began before his eyes bulged and he suddenly threw himself to the floor behind his procurement console.
"Esteban?" James exclaimed. "What the hell are–"
"Get down!" hissed Cortez.
"Intruder alert," EDI announced. "We have been boarded. Main shuttle bay. Security protocol in effect."
Vega quickly grabbed two firearms and lay down on the floor, crawling along on his elbows until he could see Cortez. "Where?" he whispered, and Cortez pointed to his right before indicating with a hand signal that there were five hostiles present.
James nodded once and slid a rifle across the floor, which Steve grabbed. Cortez's omni-tool vibrated, then, and he activated it, receiving a text-only message from Commander Shepard:
On our way. Ping me once to let me know you're both okay.
Steve immediately confirmed that he and Vega were safe and then got onto his knees, crouching behind his work station, and Vega mirrored his movements.
"Excuse me?" called a loud male voice. "Is this the Normandy? Where's the bar? Where's the bloody atmosphere, come to mention it?"
"Ready?" James mouthed to Cortez, who nodded. "On three. One, two… three!"
Both men sprang up and trained their firearms on a group of strange-looking individuals, who were wandering around, looking bewildered. "Hold it right there!" James commanded as he and Cortez closed in on the group.
"Finally! A person!" Varric exclaimed, looking up at the hugely-built marine. James looked down, and then down some more. And then a little bit more.
"What the fuck?" he mumbled. "Aren't you voluses supposed to wear breather suits or somethin'?"
"It's you!" Fletcher gasped, walking towards Steve, apparently unafraid of his weapon. "You're the man in my dreams!"
"I see," Fenris spat, moving to Fletcher's side and eyeing Cortez suspiciously. The shuttle pilot gave James a puzzled glance and shrugged.
At that moment, the elevator door opened and three men, dressed in identical uniform to Cortez, burst in and strode towards the intruders, their omni-tools lit and pointing at them.
"You okay?" asked a man with dark, cropped hair and blue eyes, and the lieutenants nodded, keeping their weapons trained on the strange group.
"Commander," Cortez said to the dark-haired man, "there's a pregnant lady among them. We should at least get her a chair."
"See to it," Shepard ordered one of the security guards who'd accompanied him, and shortly a chair was brought out for Lorelai, who gratefully accepted it and sat down. "All right," Shepard demanded sternly. "Who are you all and how the hell did you get on my ship?"
"Ship?" Varric mumbled in confusion, and Shepard looked down, and down again.
"What are you supposed to be?"
"I think he's a volus, sir," James answered.
"Yeah, I'm one of those… what he said," Varric offered helpfully. "We came here looking for a shepherd, but I don't see any sheep or meadows. Or dogs."
"You're looking for a Shepard? You've found her," said a female voice from the elevator. Everyone turned to face its source and a woman, also dressed in the same clothing as the others, stepped out, a man with oily black hair at her side.
"Oh, it's my dream man!" Lorelai exclaimed before straightening her face when Sebastian frowned at her.
The two new arrivals walked towards the group, and the male commander met them in the middle. Both Shepards stopped and eyed each other for a moment before they spoke in unison.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Commander Shepard. Who the hell are you?"
"Don't worry, Hawke! We'll save the day!" From nowhere, two spectral figures appeared and drifted over to the two Shepards, who were still arguing. "Wooooooo! Fear us!" Ghost Anders said, waving his transparent arms.
"Yes, tremble in terror!" added Ghost Carver. "We come to you from beyond the grave! Mwahahahah!"
Fletcher shook his head and palmed his face. "Oh, Maker, who invited them?"
Both Shepards paused and looked with disinterest at the two spirits. "Sorry guys," said the female commander, "but humans officially stopped being afraid of ghosts in 2074, when they were proved to exist. Took all the mystery away."
"Yeah," the male Shepard agreed. "You wanna grow about a kilometre taller and shoot death rays out of your ass, then I'll tremble in terror all you want. Otherwise, get lost."
The two ghosts sloped back to the group, looking dejected. "Idiots," Fletcher muttered.
"Okay," the female Shepard resumed, turning back to her male counterpart. "Wanna tell me what you're doing on my ship?"
He folded his arms and snorted. "Your ship? I don't think so, lady. EDI? Who is this? Another clone?"
"No, Commander. That is Commander Kate Shepard."
"What? Then who the hell am I?"
"You are Commander Adam Shepard."
"Are you malfunctioning again, EDI?" asked the man with oily black hair. "There can't be two Shepards!"
"I am at a loss to explain this," the AI pondered. "It would seem that there are indeedtwo Commander Shepards."
"Wait, I think I can explain this," said Lorelai from farther down the shuttle bay. The commanders walked over to her and folded their arms. Then, they gave each other a dirty look and stepped a few feet apart.
"You are aware that you're part of a story, aren't you?" asked the princess.
"Yeah, we kinda figured that out," Adam began.
"Well, your authors used to be our authors," explained Lorelai, "only they've abandoned us in favour of you."
"That's right," Fletcher added sourly. "My author didn't even know about your world until Lorelai's author introduced her to it!" For reasons nobody could fathom, he looked up at the ceiling of the hangar. "Thanks a lot, Bugface, or whatever your bloody name is!" he called out, cupping a hand to his mouth.
Varric held his hands up. "Okay, let's all blame Lorelai's author. Feel better? Good. Now let's work out what we're gonna do about this."
"How long has it been since you were last updated?" Kate asked.
"Eight months."
"Four months."
A loud whistle came from Vega. "That blows, man."
Sebastian stepped forward and bowed to the commanders. Kate returned his bow, while Adam arched an eyebrow. "Ma wife has been havin' dreams," he explained, "about… you, ser," he said to Kaidan.
"Me?" the major asked in surprise as Fenris again positioned himself next to Fletcher, his eyes not leaving Cortez.
"Yes, and Fletcher has been dreaming about you," he said to the pilot in an accusatory tone.
Cortez shrugged, one edge of his mouth turning upward and revealing a hint of snow-white teeth. "I'm afraid I can't help that, sir," he said charmingly, lowering his weapon, and Fenris frowned before turning pink and hastily clearing his throat.
"What did I tell you about that smile?" Fletcher whispered to the elf, who responded by glowering at the floor, blushing furiously.
"Okay, so you're not an imposter," Kate said to Adam, hands on her hips, "but that doesn't change the fact that there are now two Commander Shepards. And that can't happen."
"Damn right it can't," retorted Adam, and the two commanders glared at each other.
"Why not?" asked Fletcher reasonably. "There are two Hawkes, and I have no problem with Lorelai being around. She's kind of my sister," he said with a smile at her, which she returned.
"That won't fly here," Adam replied firmly. "Steve, James, let's find our guests some quarters, and then we need to figure this mess out."
"Yes, sir," answered Cortez, but Vega hesitated.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I take orders from her," said James, pointing at Kate.
"What?" Cortez blurted. "Are you nuts? Adam Shepard is our CO!"
James shook his head. "Sorry, Esteban, but he's not. Kate Shepard is my commander, and I'm her XO."
"XO? Since when?" Adam demanded.
"Looks like one of our authors decided to ignore canon," Varric muttered with a shake of his head. "Again."
Kate sighed. "Whatever's happened, we need to get these people into quarters. This lady – Lorelai? Needs somewhere comfortable. I agree with Adam."
"Don't do me any favors," Adam groused, folding his arms.
Kate stepped forward and stared him down. "I was trying to be conciliatory, but no, you're right. I won't do you any favors. Let's move out, people."
She turned and headed for the elevator, and the small crowd began to follow her. "I don't like you," Kaidan hissed at Adam as he passed by.
"Yeah? Well I don't like your hair, Alenko! You call that military standard? How Hackett allows that is beyond me!"
"My hair? Really? That the best you can do?" Kaidan challenged, pushing his face close to Adam's.
"Kaidan! Let's go!" called Kate from the elevator.
"I got plenty more where that came from, Major," Adam replied, following Kaidan, but when they reached the elevator, Kate held up a hand.
"There's not enough room for all of us," she stated. "I'm taking Lorelai, her husband, Kaidan and a–"
"Who put you in charge?" accused Adam.
Kate folded her arms. "No one. I am in charge."
"And so am I! This is my damned ship!"
"Well, it looks like it's our ship now," said Kate with a half-smile.
Unmoved, Adam shook his head. "I don't think so."
"Okay, then. You be in charge. You obviously disagree that Lorelai needs to sit down and rest somewhere."
"What? Now, wait a minute! I didn't say that!"
"Then you'll have no objections, will you?" Kate turned her back on Adam and walked to the rear of the elevator, Lorelai, Sebastian and Kaidan joining her. "James," she called.
James sighed and walked past Cortez, giving him a rueful look. "Sorry, man," he whispered before tapping Varric on the shoulder. "The volus is coming with us."
"The volus is going nowhere!" Fletcher insisted, hands on hips, looking down as Varric nudged him.
"I'll go with them, see what I can find out," said the dwarf quietly, and Fletcher gave him a discreet nod.
"I'll await you in the Starboard Lounge, Commander," said Kate as the elevator doors closed. "I'm sure you know the way."
"EDI," Adam ordered, stalking over to a terminal and throwing himself into the chair. "I want everything you have on Kate Shepard, right now."
"As you command," answered the AI, while Fletcher, Fenris and Cortez looked on.
"Well, I guess introductions are in order," Steve suggested, offering his hand to Fletcher. "I'm Lieutenant Steve Cortez, shuttle pilot."
"Yes, I know," Fletcher replied, grinning and shaking the man's hand. "Sort of. I'm Fletcher Hawke."
"Glad to know you, Fletcher," said Steve cordially before turning to Fenris. "And you are…?"
"Fenris," rasped the elf before coughing loudly and taking Steve's outstretched hand.
"Just Fenris?"
"Um, yes," he replied, his eyes everywhere but on the lieutenant.
"Woah, you must be pretty important back where you come from," Steve guessed with a brilliant smile, and Fenris yanked his sweaty hand away from Cortez's.
"I… am hardly that," he mumbled, his eyes glued to the floor.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Adam exclaimed angrily from his seat. "She's been awarded the Alliance Paragon Star for three years running? Nobody is that pious!"
"Excuse me a sec," said Cortez, leaving Fletcher and Fenris to join his commander at the terminal.
"You fancy him," Fletcher whispered.
"I… what?" spluttered Fenris, his cheeks stained beetroot. "Don't be absurd!"
"Oh, right, I forgot," said the mage, folding his arms. "You can't possibly fancy him, because you were totally going to 'put those farmers in their place', as I recall. So no, I must be wrong. Your face is the colour of a baboon's arse because it's hot in here. That must be it."
"You were the one who dreamt of him!" Fenris hissed.
"True, but that's something I have no control over. What I can control is how I react when shaking someone's hand. Like, I don't know, not turning into a blushing simpleton? Yes, I can control that. Apparently some can't," he sniffed.
"You know nothing!" blustered the elf.
"You're out of luck anyway, Fen." Fletcher pointed out Cortez, who was leaning over Shepard, his arm around the commander's shoulder. "I think Steve of the Angelic Smile is spoken for."
"And why should I care about that?"
"Hey," Fletcher whispered, looking around. "This place looks really clean, pristine, even. Not like the Hanged Man, eh?"
"What are you wittering on about, mage?"
Fletcher winked at him and, like magic, the elf's scowl melted away. "Oh… I see."
Fletcher sidled closer. "Why don't we wait until we go to the 'quarters' or whatever they are, and see if we can sneak off somewhere?"
Fenris shrugged, and Fletcher knew instantly that he'd succeeded in talking the elf down. He suppressed a grin and walked over to Cortez and Shepard, Fenris following close behind. "Everything okay?" he asked the marines.
"Everything's fine," answered Steve, nudging Adam on the arm. "The commander would also like to introduce himself to you, wouldn't you, sir?"
Adam quietly sighed and stood up, briskly shaking Fletcher and Fenris's hands. "Good to meet you," he said.
"There. That wasn't so hard, was it?" teased Steve.
"No," Adam mumbled. "EDI, where's the other so-called Shepard?"
"If you are referring to Commander Kate Shepard, she is in the Starboard Observation Lounge."
Adam started walking quickly towards the elevator. "With me," he ordered the three men, beckoning with a finger. "We're headed to the Port Observation Lounge, which from now on will be known as the Real Shepard's Base of Operations."
"Adam," Steve groaned, but continued to follow him.
"Isn't this exciting, Fen?" Fletcher asked enthusiastically. "Better than that tripe our author comes up with, eh?"
Fenris said nothing but made a low, morose grumbling sound as he joined the other three in the elevator.
~o~O~o~
"Thank you so much," Lorelai said gratefully to Kate as the commander made her comfortable on a couch.
"Don't take this wrong, lady, but you look like you're fixin' to pop," said Kate, pushing a couple of cushions under Lorelai's ankles. "EDI, I want Dr. Chakwas on standby. Tell her we have a very heavily pregnant lady on board."
"At once," replied EDI, and Kate looked up at Sebastian.
"You her husband?"
"Indeed I am, madam, and we are most grateful for your kindness," he said with a bow.
"Sure." Kate nodded at him in return before standing and looking down at Varric. "And you? You're obviously not a volus. What are you, exactly?"
"Varric Tethras, at your service," he replied with a charming smile. "As far as I know I'm not a volus, but if that's what you need me to be, pretty lady, who am I to argue?"
Kaidan frowned and stepped forward, standing at Kate's side, and Varric held his hands up.
"Hey, you didn't think…? Oh, brother. Look. I'm not here to step on anyone's toes. All I wanted to do was get our story moving along a bit. You guys are a little weird, but it beats the hell out of being stuck in the Hanged Man. Settle down, Whiskers," he said to Kaidan.
Kaidan stroked along his jaw and huffed. "Why don't I grab our pregnant lady a drink of water?" he asked no one in particular before walking into an anteroom.
"Need me to do anything, Commander?" James asked Kate.
"Yeah. Why don't you go see what that other guy's up to? And tell Steve to be careful, and that we're here if he needs us."
"Will do," said James, moving to the door before he was blocked by Varric.
"Why don't you let me take care of that, Pint-Size?" suggested the dwarf smoothly. "You guys have enough on your plates. You do call them plates here, right?"
"Yes we do, Mr. Tethras," Kate answered. "It's okay, James. These people are obviously from the distant past. Not a hell of a lot they can do to us. Let him go."
"Okay," mumbled James, allowing the door to open and pointing down the corridor. "Right at the end, Goliath," he said to Varric.
"I like you, Pint-Size," Varric chortled. "Maybe I'll stand you to an arm-wrestling contest someday."
"Yeah, and maybe someday I'll let you win," answered James with a grin as he stepped back into the room.
~o~O~o~
"Make yourselves at home, fellas," Steve invited Fletcher and Fenris, gesturing to the couches. "You hungry? Thirsty?"
"He is always hungry," Fenris replied with a glance at Fletcher as they took a seat.
"I like to see a man with a healthy appetite," Steve joked, hoping a little flirting with one of the guests would tear Adam away from his laptop, but to no avail. He sighed and activated his omni-tool. "Gardener? Could we have some refreshments sent to the Port Lounge?"
"That's the Real Shepard's Base of Operations," Adam corrected, briefly looking up from the laptop.
"Right. Whatever," grumbled Gardener before the comm. was cut.
"Steve, take a look at this," said Adam, and Cortez took a seat beside him. "This woman's too good to be true. Started off in the Engineering Corps – of course she's an Engineer – saved Mindoir from batarian pirates single-handedly and besides the endless Paragon Stars," he said sourly, "she's won all of these honors! Look! The list is endless!"
"Hey, you've won stuff," Steve reminded him.
"Yeah, Biggest Jackass of All Time award! And the award is shaped like an actual ass!"
Steve shrugged. "Well, you did head-butt that reporter," he said softly, "and beat on Admiral Gerrell, and looted all those ATMs despite shooting two looters for looting on Omega. Oh, and you called Rear Admiral Mikhailovich a nosy bastard over the comm–"
"I thought the comm. had been turned off!" Adam protested hotly. "That was EDI's fault for not being on the SR-1! She was too busy trying to kill us on Luna Base!"
"I apologise retrospectively for that oversight," the AI said dryly.
"Adam," Steve purred, recognising that his man was stressed. "You're still my Shepard, and always will be. If that counts for anything."
"You know it does," Adam mumbled awkwardly, and Fletcher, who was seated just behind them next to Fenris, beamed.
"You've got a keeper there, Adam," he said, ignoring Fenris's frosty glare.
At that moment, the door chirped and Steve inched away from Shepard a little before inviting the caller to enter. The door opened and a grumpy-looking man entered, who gave Fletcher and Fenris a dubious stare before speaking. "I been told we got guests here who want some chow, so I gotta be polite," he said miserably. "I hear you folks come from way back, so just to let you know, we don't have horses roasting on a spit or nuthin'."
"Oh, that won't be necessary," Fletcher said with a charming smile. "Tea and biscuits will do us fine, thank you."
"Tea with biscuits?" Gardener scoffed as Steve stood up.
"Why don't we all go to the Mess?" he suggested. "Save you bringing it back here, Rupert."
"Who said anything about bringing it back?" asked the mess sergeant as he exited, making way for Varric, who swept into the room.
"Varric!" Fletcher exclaimed, happy to see his friend. "We're just going for some grub. Want to join us?"
"No," Adam said, folding up his laptop and standing up. "You three go. The volus can stay here."
Steve placed his hands on his hips. "Adam, he is not a spy. You're not going to grill him for information, are you?"
"Hey, any information I give is given freely," Varric smiled before frowning slightly. "Unless…"
"No deals," Fletcher warned, pointing at the dwarf. "Our friends are in the other room, remember? I'm sorry that the two Shepards don't seem to get along, but the rest of us aren't going to get involved in that. Understand?"
"Of course," Varric reassured him, shooing the threesome out of the room. "Go get some food. The real Shepard and I are going to have a nice chat. Off you go!"
Steve and Fletcher gave Adam and Varric a doubtful look before Steve shook his head and led the others out of the room.
~o~O~o~
Steve made sure his guests were comfortably seated at a table before he approached the counter and waited for their food. A few minutes later, he returned to the table, setting down a tray and taking a seat. "Here you go," he said cheerfully. "Tea and biscuits."
Fletcher and Fenris slowly looked at each other and Fletcher nudged the elf's arm, an insincere, polite smile stretching their lips. "Thank you, that looks, um, very nice," Fletcher mumbled.
"Yes, thank you," Fenris echoed, doing his best not to screw his face up in disgust. "However, I am not very hungry."
"No, nor am I," Fletcher claimed before a loud growl from his belly betrayed him.
Steve's face dropped. "Is everything okay, guys? Did I get the wrong things?"
Fenris glanced at Fletcher, who sat forward a little, wearing an embarrassed grimace. "Well, the thing is… I mean, we're very grateful and everything that you got us some food," he began, Fenris nodding in agreement, "but where we come from, biscuits don't usually have… gravy all over them."
"And we usually take tea with milk," Fenris added apologetically. "Please, forgive our wretched manners."
"Oh! You mean hot tea?" Steve laughed.
"Well… yes," Fletcher replied in confusion. "What other kind is there?"
Steve picked up his glass and took a sip of his tea before sighing in pleasure. "You haven't lived, my friends. This is sweet tea, served ice-cold." He shook his glass, the ice cubes within rattling.
"C-cold tea?" Fletcher shrieked as he broke into a cold sweat. "Fenris! I think I'm having one of my turns!"
The elf leapt to his feet, quickly followed by Steve, and both men stood over Fletcher, watching him in concern. "Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth," Fenris advised softly, stroking the mage's hair before looking at Steve. "He will be fine," he assured the pilot, who looked stricken. "He has experienced a severe shock. Do you have any hot tea? Milk? Sugar?"
"Of course!" Steve exclaimed, dashing to the counter. When he returned a few minutes later, Fletcher had calmed down but looked as white as a sheet. Steve poured him and Fenris a cup of tea which he passed to them, along with a plate of sweet treats. "I got you some cookies as well, Fletcher, in case your blood sugar's low."
"But… this is what we asked for in the first place!" laughed the mage, swiping a cookie and cramming it into his mouth.
"I thought you asked for biscuits?" Steve asked. "Those are cookies!"
"You are very unusual," Fenris commented before averting his eyes and gulping when Steve smiled at him.
"I guess things must seem kinda strange to you both," said the pilot, gesturing at the plate and indicating that Fenris should take a cookie, which he did. "If I can answer any questions you might have, ask away."
"There was one thing," said Fletcher, who'd poured a third cup of tea and passed it to Steve. "That thing we came here in. I heard someone call it an elevator. Does it only go up, then?"
"No, it goes down as well," replied Steve with a laugh.
"So what do you call it when it goes down?" Fenris posed seriously. "A lowertor?"
"You're a funny guy," Steve said warmly, resting his chin on his hand and grinning at the elf. Fenris nearly spat out his tea and looked fearfully at Fletcher, who appeared to be quite disgustingly amused by the whole thing.
"Oh, and on the way to the lounge I saw a sign which said 'restroom'," Fletcher went on, "but I saw a man coming out of it zipping up his flies. Whatever he was doing in there, he wasn't resting. Just what kind of room is it?" he asked cheekily.
Steve laughed again, shaking his head. "What you seem to have in mind sounds like fun, but no, it's nothing that interesting. It's just the bathroom."
"You bathe in there?" asked Fenris.
"Guess again."
Fletcher snapped his fingers. "I've got it – it's the latrine!"
"Now that's a word I'm familiar with," Steve replied, nodding in confirmation. "Most of the jarheads on board call it that, too."
"Jarheads? Do we even want to know?" Fletcher asked.
"It's just a nickname for marines. Adam's a jarhead, and so's James, that big guy you saw in the shuttle bay." He folded his arms and sat back, sighing. "I can't believe he just left us like that. Me and him, we're kinda tight… well, I thought he was my friend. Guess I was wrong."
Fletcher and Fenris looked at each other, feeling sorry for the nice bloke who'd made them feel so welcome. "Why don't we go and see him now?" Fletcher suggested. "You don't need to fall out over this."
Steve shook his head. "No. I won't go behind Adam's back. He's not taking it well that there's another Shepard, let alone that James has 'defected'."
"Drink up, Fen," Fletcher said, and they quickly downed their tea, Steve shaking his head in surprise that anyone could drink something so hot so quickly. "We'll talk to James for you while you join Adam," Fletcher offered as they all stood up. "That way, you won't be going behind his back."
Steve grasped the back of his neck and sighed. "Ah, I couldn't ask you to…"
Fletcher grabbed his shoulders and turned him around, giving him a gentle push in the direction of the Real Shepard's Base of Operations. "We're going. Off you pop," he coaxed, gazing at Steve's arse as the pilot walked away.
"He-hem!" Fenris cleared his throat loudly, looking none too pleased.
"Oh, like you weren't looking at it when he went to the counter!" Fletcher teased.
"I… just wondered where he was going," claimed the elf shiftily.
"A likely story."
"Hey, fellas?" Steve called over his shoulder as he rounded the corner. "I have two cheeks. You can admire one each. My ass starts love affairs, not arguments," he finished with a wink before disappearing from sight.
"I thought he'd gone," Fletcher chuckled.
"I have never felt so humiliated in my entire life," Fenris complained, his head hung low.
"His bum's got nothing on yours," Fletcher whispered.
Fenris shrugged. "Nor yours."
"Why don't we, uh, go and speak to James, and then see if we can find a nice quiet room somewhere?" Fletcher suggested before doing a double-take at Fenris, who was already striding towards the Starboard Observation Lounge. "Hey, wait for me!" he laughed, breaking into a run.
~o~O~o~
"Good afternoon, Princess Vael," said Dr. Chakwas, taking a seat on a small chair next to the couch.
"Lorelai, please."
Chakwas smiled. "As you wish. Lorelai. Now, it would appear that we have rather a tardy youngster here, wouldn't it?"
"Fourteen months," Lorelai complained. "I don't think I can go on like this. I'm absolutely exhausted."
"Well, that needn't be a problem any longer," the doctor reassured her. "We can induce labor without any harmful effects to you or the baby."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," Lorelai groaned, almost in tears of relief. "Please, Doctor, as soon as you can–"
"One moment, dear," Sebastian interjected. "Inducing labor? That doesnae sound natural to me."
"Who gives a fig whether it's natural or not?" protested Lorelai.
"Yeah, you're not the one having to carry that baby, Tiger," added Kate, folding her arms.
Undaunted by the three indignant women, Sebastian continued. "This is no' part of the Maker's plan," he argued. "The bairn will come oot when the Maker decides. As master o' the Vael household and all the province o' Starkhaven, I have spoken. Heed ma words."
Lorelai gave Chakwas a pleading look, and a faint glow came from Chakwas's arm, which quickly faded. "A minute or so," the doctor whispered to Lorelai, who smiled her gratitude.
"As you wish, dear," Lorelai said to her husband, and they all looked up as the door chirped.
"Come on in," Kate prompted, and the door opened, Fenris and Fletcher stepping in.
"How's the patient?" Fletcher asked Lorelai, and he was quickly introduced to Dr. Chakwas, while Fenris approached James, taking him to one side.
"Your friend, Steve, wishes to speak with you," he muttered quietly. "He believes that you are no longer his friend. Kindly disabuse him of that erroneous notion."
James frowned and looked down at Fenris. "I was with ya all the way up to 'kindly'."
Fenris sighed and rolled his eyes. "He cannot approach you directly as he will not betray the one called Adam. However, if you were to make the first move…"
James glanced up at Kate, who was watching Lorelai carefully. "Thanks, pal," he whispered. "Uh, Commander?" he asked. "Mind if I step out for a bit? I need to use the latrine."
"Ha! He said 'latrine'!" Fletcher laughed to a sea of bemused expressions.
"Knock yourself out," Kate answered. "And tell Steve I said hi."
James's mouth gaped for a second before he laughed. "Sorry, Commander. Didn't mean to go behind your back."
"Did I say you weren't allowed to talk to him?" she asked. "Go on, get outta here."
"Yes, ma'am!" he replied, turning for the door.
"Ooh!" Lorelai wailed, clutching her huge belly, and all eyes turned to her.
"Darlin'?" Sebastian exclaimed, crouching down next to her.
"I-I think the baby's coming!" she gasped, and Fletcher immediately rolled his sleeves up.
"Where do you want me, Dr. Chakwas?"
"What are your credentials?" asked the doctor sternly.
"He delivered my best friend's baby and saved her life," Lorelai piped up. "I'd really like him to be here," she added before grimacing and grabbing a handful of couch. "Ah!"
"All right, everyone outside!" Fletcher commanded, to Chakwas's approval. "Except Sebastian, of course, if he wishes to be here."
"Lorelai?" asked the prince.
She held out her hand to him, and he clasped it, smiling as he sat on the floor against the upper end of the couch.
Fenris led the others out and the door closed. Fletcher, meanwhile, stripped a nearby bed and pulled the sheet off, bringing it to Lorelai and draping it over her skirts. "Would you like to stay here or move to the bed?" he asked her.
"I'm… fine… here," she puffed, tightly gripping Sebastian's hand.
"You've delivered children before?" Chakwas asked Fletcher.
"Several, yes," he replied nonchalantly.
The doctor nodded. "Very well. I will administer pain-killing agents while you examine the patient."
"Is that all right with you, Your Highness?" Fletcher asked Lorelai.
"Of course. I trust you," she answered.
Chakwas pointed him towards a nearby sink in the en-suite, where he thoroughly washed his hands. He then moved to the far end of the couch and gently pushed up Lorelai's skirts, ensuring the sheet was covering her legs.
"Excuse me, Your Highness," Fletcher said as he quickly and professionally conducted an examination. Sebastian watched him carefully but Lorelai did not flinch and remained comfortable thanks to Dr. Chakwas's sedatives. "About eight centimetres," Fletcher announced. "Looks like this prince or princess is in a hurry," he said with a smile. "Doctor, would you like me to make the incision?"
"Incision?" Chakwas asked, looking puzzled. "Why on Earth would you need to make an incision?"
"Are you joking?" he retorted as he quickly went to the sink to wash his hands again. "You expect her to deliver naturally? That baby's going to be huge!"
Chakwas laughed and shook her head. "Forgive me. You are obviously unfamiliar with our delivery methods. We no longer perform caesarean sections or episiotomies. All mothers are able to deliver naturally, with no pain and minimal post-natal bleeding." Her omni-tool glowed. "At this moment, I am administering several agents which will help Lorelai to dilate and minimise her discomfort."
"She's right," Lorelai agreed. "I can hardly feel anything, now. Just a bit of stretching, that's all."
"I apologise for that," said Chakwas. "Your child is unusually large. I assure you that any tearing will be repaired instantaneously. If you feel any discomfort, it will be mild and fleeting. Your birth canal will be fully healed within 24 hours."
"That's fantastic!" Fletcher exclaimed, but Sebastian shook his head.
"If you dinnae mind, Doctor, I'm sure that ma wife would prefer her birthin' to be as natural as possible. We have no need of the agents you speak of."
"Bugger that!" Lorelai argued. "When you give birth, you can have it as natural as you like! Until then, shut it and squeeze my bloody hand!"
"Very well, dear," Sebastian reluctantly agreed.
"Are you feeling a need to push?" Fletcher asked the princess.
"I-I'm not sure. I feel like I need to do a poo," she whispered.
"Let's have another look," Fletcher said, quickly conducting another examination. When finished, he stood up and moved to the sink to wash his hands.
"Is everything all right?" Lorelai asked.
"Yes, of course," answered Fletcher calmly. "Dr. Chakwas, would you assist me for a moment?"
A look, unnoticed by Sebastian and Lorelai, passed between the healer and doctor, and Chakwas stood, moving to the foot of the couch, where she and Fletcher crouched down.
"What's wrong?" Chakwas whispered.
"She's gone from eight centimetres to six," he whispered back.
"That's not possible," she replied dismissively. "Are you certain you've done this before?"
"Yes, unless I dreamed about the eight other babies I've delivered," he hissed angrily. "Take a look for yourself!"
"What's occurrin' doon there?" Sebastian demanded, wondering what the whispering was about.
"Sebastian!" Lorelai shrieked. "What's happening? My belly – it's shrinking!"
Fletcher and Chakwas quickly got to their feet and stared at her abdomen, which was considerably smaller. "Good lord," Chakwas whispered.
~o~O~o~
"Make way!" Adam demanded as he attempted to push through the crowd gathered outside the Starboard Lounge. "I'm gonna deliver this baby! Then we'll see who gets your precious Paragon Star!" he said to Kate, who barred his way.
"Stand down, Shepard!" she ordered, squaring up to her counterpart.
"Or what?"
Kate waved her hand and Adam yelped, clutching his arse as he whipped around, the Combat Drone that had appeared behind him firing tiny bolts of lightning at his butt. "Damned Engineers!" he cursed.
"Adam," Steve pleaded, arriving at his side. "There's no need for this."
"There's every need for this! I'm tired of being the bad guy all the time!"
"You can't help that," Steve urged. "It's the way you were written!"
"You should listen to Steve," Kate advised. "You're not settin' foot in here."
"Yeah? We'll see about that!" Adam thrust an arm out, a hazy blue field surrounding him, and Kate was suddenly levitated off the floor.
"Put her down!" yelled Kaidan, and Adam was launched biotically against a wall, where he slid to the floor. Kaidan then gently lowered Kate down and ordered the rest of the crowd to barricade the door while he backed away a few steps, awaiting Adam's counter-strike.
"I've been waiting for this, Alenko," growled Adam as he pushed himself up, "ever since I killed your boring, moralising ass on the Citadel!"
"He's not boring!" Kate protested. "Maybe in your universe, but not this one! Kick his ass, Kaidan!"
"Whatever you say, Commander!" Kaidan replied, a fierce frown on his brow as he and Adam squared off.
They circled each other, both making quick feints but neither making an actual move, until, together, they unleashed two waves of biotic energy, which collided and exploded between them.
"Woah!" Varric laughed, quickly opening his book. "I gotta get this down! Hey… wait a sec… hey, Broody!" he yelled, calling the elf over to him. "You won't believe this, but our author updated! And so did Bugface! You know what this means, don't you? You and Hawke can finally make the beast with two backs! No more blue balls, huh?"
"Must you always be so coarse?" grumbled the elf, his suppressed smile not going unnoticed by Varric.
"I'll give you blue balls!" Kaidan threatened as he threw a sphere of biotic energy at Adam, slamming the commander against a bulkhead.
"At least I have a pair!" Adam retorted, raising his hands into the air and lifting Kaidan off the ground. "I can keep you there all day, Alenko!" he laughed in triumph as the major squirmed, unable to use his powers.
"No biotic can keep someone levitated all day," challenged Kaidan, knowing very well that Adam's strength would soon give out.
"Oh yeah?" Adam replied, doubling his concentration.
"Adam, this has gone far enough," Steve called out, but Kate touched his arm.
"Let him tire himself out," she whispered to him, "then you can look after him. Kaidan won't hurt him, I promise."
At that moment the door opened, and Fletcher gawked at the floating Kaidan before looking around. "Varric!" he hissed, beckoning the dwarf inside.
"What's up?" asked Varric as the door closed behind him.
"Have either of our authors written anything new?" the mage asked. "Look at Lorelai's belly – she's seven months pregnant again! Her labor's stopped!"
"Yeah, they both updated just now!" answered the dwarf, and both Fletcher and Chakwas sighed in relief.
"Everything's fine, Your Highnesses," Fletcher reassured them. "I think this means we can go home, and you'll get your natural birth after all."
"But I don't want a nat–" Lorelai protested and, as Sebastian rose to shake Fletcher's hand, Chakwas leaned in close to the princess.
"I've prepared your birth canal," the doctor whispered, "so you won't feel a thing. When you go into labor again, just berate your husband, vow to never let him come near you again and remember to say 'ouch' now and then. That'll convince him. Oh, and wait about six weeks before resuming marital relations." The older woman winked at Lorelai, who gave her a quick hug before Sebastian returned to her.
"We can't go home yet," Varric muttered to Fletcher, thumbing at the door. "Those two are having some crazy-ass magic fight out there."
Fletcher snorted. "Magic, my arse." He stepped forward, opening the door and seeing that Kaidan was still in the air, while Adam was clearly struggling to maintain his powers. "Enough!" Fletcher commanded, making shapes in the air with his hands while reciting a spell under his breath. At the same moment, the floor started to tremble, and everyone quickly clutched at the nearest bulkhead, while Adam lost his footing, breaking his concentration. He and Kaidan fell to the floor, but the major quickly picked himself up, while Adam remained prone, panting heavily.
"Commander, what the hell is going on down there?" Joker demanded over the comm.
"Standby," Kate replied.
To his credit, Kaidan didn't finish Adam off, but stepped aside as Kate and Steve knelt down next to him. "Here, drink some of this," Kate said, producing a bottle of orange juice.
Adam drank greedily from the bottle before sighing and wiping his mouth. "Damned do-gooder," he rasped. "You really are too good to be true."
Kate smiled. "Hey, without me, you couldn't exist, and vice versa," she stated. "You're as much a part of me as I am of you. Buck up, soldier. Our visitors are going home soon, so we'll be returned to our rightful places as well. I can go back to being a do-gooder, and you can go back to being a badass."
"That's right," Steve agreed, and Adam gave a reluctant smile as Kate stood up and went to Kaidan. "And hey," Steve whispered. "You're a Paragon in bed, that's for damn sure. A fact I'll remind you of once we're back where we should be."
He was rewarded with a rare grin from Adam, and Steve patted his shoulder before standing up and finding Fletcher and Fenris. "Hey there," he greeted them. "Looks like everything worked out fine. It was nice to meet you both. Maybe our paths'll cross again, who knows?"
"I hope so," Fletcher said, smiling. "It's not every day one meets the man of his dreams." Hearing a grunt from Fenris, he nudged the elf's arm. "Luckily for me, the real-life man of my dreams is even better. Isn't that right, Fen?"
Fenris shrugged, and Steve stood in front of them, holding his omni-tool aloft. "How about a souvenir?" he asked, taking a quick picture of the twosome, which he then showed to them on a small screen.
"That's amazing," Fletcher mumbled. "Do you think you could get one with the three of us?"
"Sure." Steve removed his omni-tool and placed it on the ground before positioning himself between the couple, one arm around each of their shoulders. "Ready? Smile."
Once the photo was taken, Steve replaced his omni-tool and entered a quick command, and the mage and elf watched in astonishment as a hard copy of the photo was printed out from the device.
"Here you go," said Steve, passing it to Fletcher. "Put it in a nice frame."
"I will! Thank you so much!" Fletcher gushed before giving Fenris a sideways glance. "Uh, Steve? Do you think I could have another copy of that? Just in case I lose this one?"
"No problem." Steve printed off a second copy and passed it to Fletcher before shaking both men's hands. "It was great to meet you both. I gotta go see to Adam. Be lucky."
"You too," replied Fletcher, and he and Fenris watched the pilot walk away. "You're totally looking at his bum," he said to Fenris.
"Mm?" asked the elf dreamily. "What? Don't be ridiculous!" he huffed, his face reddening.
"Here." Fletcher shoved the second copy of the photo into Fenris's hands. "I can see right through you. Now, I believe there's a huge, empty mansion awaiting us in Hightown. And I'm hungry."
"Of course you are."
"I've really missed my elven sausage," the mage whispered, and Fenris pressed his lips together, his stomach fluttering.
"Ready to go, Hawke?" Varric asked, arriving next to the couple, and the mage nodded eagerly. "Hey, look what I got here," said the dwarf, producing an arse-shaped trophy. "Solid gold, that is! I can live like a king once we get back to Kirkwall!"
Fletcher took the trophy and read the inscription at the base. "'Biggest Jackass of all Time'. Varric, you didn't steal this, did you?"
"You wound me," Varric replied, feigning hurt. "No, I just did a deal with the real Shepard. He gave me that in exchange for information. What?" he asked when Fletcher shook his head.
"And was any of that information actually true?"
"Look, it's been a long day. I can't be expected to remember every little titbit I've said today." Varric snatched the trophy back and tucked it inside his coat before walking into the Starboard Lounge, where he said a quick hello to the prince and princess. He then found a chair and took out his book and quill.
The remaining people said their goodbyes to each other and departed, leaving Steve and Adam alone in the corridor. "Let's get you to your cabin," said Steve as he helped Adam to his feet.
"I gave my ass away to a volus," Adam mumbled blearily.
"Sure you did," Steve replied softly, wrapping an arm around Adam's waist. "Ready, big guy?"
Adam nodded and allowed himself to be led to the elevator, only to come face to face with Kate and Kaidan.
"Commander," she said politely. "Ready to get things back to normal?"
Adam eyed her for a moment before nodding. "I am, Commander."
"Before you go," she continued, "I've got a question. Did you really punch Admiral Gerrell after taking out the dreadnought?"
Commander Adam Shepard stood tall. "Damn right I did. What, let me guess, you didn't even make a fuss that he was willing to blow you to hell for the sake of his own ego, did you?"
She shrugged, smiling. "Well, I've got a spot left on my cabin wall for one more Paragon award, so I just couldn't make myself hit the bastard... no matter how much I wanted to."
"Ha! Did you hear that?" Adam exclaimed, pointing his finger in Kate's face and grinning at Steve and Kaidan. "See? She's not perfect after all!"
Kate rolled her eyes, reaching for Kaidan before they stepped onto the waiting elevator.
"Best of luck to you both," Kaidan said as the elevator doors slid closed.
"Wait," Adam said with a frown. "They took our ride up. Jerks."
Steve chuckled as he spoke to EDI, calling the elevator back and finally leaving with Adam.
Meanwhile, in the Starboard Lounge, Varric had gathered his friends around as he put the finishing touches to a small passage in the book. "Okay, here goes." He cleared his throat and paused for dramatic effect. "The friends walked through the door, all finding themselves back home where they were supposed to be. And their authors updated their stories regularly," he added with a pointed glance at the ceiling.
"Yeah!" Fletcher joined in, giving the ceiling a dirty look. He then moved next to Varric and whispered something in his ear.
The dwarf groaned, shaking his head. "All right… and when Hawke and Broody reached the mansion, no one was home, and they had the place to themselves all night. Happy?"
"Very," nodded Fletcher as Fenris covered his face with his hands.
"Well, we'll catch you again," Varric said to the royal couple. "And if you're stuck for a name for baby Vael, I don't have a problem with you using mine. Prince Varric of Starkhaven. Just saying."
"I hope it all goes well," Fletcher said to Lorelai, giving her a gentle hug. "Dr. Chakwas fixed everything up for you," he whispered in her ear.
"I know," she whispered back, giving him a squeeze. "Thanks for everything."
"Let's get outta here," said Varric, leading the others to the door. "Maybe we'll take our vacation here, huh? I still gotta take that man-mountain down a peg or two. I challenged him to an arm wrestle, but he chickened out."
"I'd quite like to visit that Bugface," Fletcher muttered. "She's got a lot to answer for."
"That can be arranged," Varric replied. "For now, let's just go home."
Everyone agreed to that, and they all followed the dwarf through the door, and home.