Ashes

Stevie Hall stood on the cliff top…..thinking, wishing, remembering…..

She paced back and forth, unable to keep still. She pulled her jacket close around her.

It was raining hard…. But it seemed so appropriate. The dark clouds in the sky matched her dark mood.

The last time Stevie remembered it raining so hard was the night…that night….so many years ago…..she stopped herself, not wanting to revisit that time in her life…..she promised herself not to ever think of it again….it was so many years ago….but last night something happened to bring it all back….and as hard as she tried she couldn't get it out of her mind this time.

It would be so bad if she knew for sure what had happened that night…..but there were now so many questions. What happened, what really happened? How?….why?….yes those endless "why" questions were what was driving her crazy. ….

So many thoughts rushing through her mind…Things she remembered, or did she imagine them? It was so long ago, another place, another time, and it was getting harder and harder to remember. But what happened last night was so clear in her mind….she re lived it over and over again….

She stood still suddenly, and looked over the edge and for a moment, just a brief moment, she considered what it would be like to step off the edge.

She quickly snapped out of that, they way she always did, by thinking of Rosie, sweet beautiful precious Rosie. The reason Stevie had kept on going, despite all the troubles….despite the number of times she had sat on top of cliff like this one, or held that handful of pills in her hand, or sat behind the wheel wondering just how easy it would be to crash into that tree, or over that embankment……….and wondering if anyone would even notice she was gone.

But then there was Rosie, her reason to live, her reason to keep putting on that good front. How she longed to have Rose with her, to be her mother. But once again Stevie silently reminded herself that Rose was so much better off with Michelle—so much better off without Stevie, at least for now, and maybe forever. She reminded herself of all the reasons she had let Michelle take Rosie, as she had done so many times since that day her heart broke. But she couldn't let go of the dream…..that reunion…..when everything would be restored and made right….but that day seemed so far off, and Stevie wondered if it would ever come.

Stevie liked to pretend she didn't care, but that comment from Claire had really cut deep. She shuddered as she remembered that day Claire had asked her to leave Drovers because Tess was upset by Stevie being there. Sure the three of them had worked out their differences- since the car accident, Stevie and Tess worked together while Claire recuperated, now they had a good working relationship, a friendship, ….even more, a sistership…something Stevie never had with her sister Michelle. Tess and Stevie became close, Stevie confided in Tess and Claire about Rose, and their support was so valuable. And Claire and Stevie had been long time friends. When Claire came home from the hospital the three of them got on well, but still that comment hung in her mind….and she knew that to Claire she would always come second, she would never really be a part of the family.

It was part of the reason she couldn't tell them what had happened last night, or asked them to help- because she felt like the outsider. Surrounded by all these people and she felt so alone. More alone than ever before.

And partly she just didn't want to bother them with this, they had their own issues to deal with. And no one really had time or energy to deal with another crisis in the life of Stevie Hall. Claire had just got out of hospital after the car accident and was busy with Charlotte….

Sweet Charlotte, who was like a second daughter to her, who she had a chance to watch all those milestones she missed with Rosie. …..and Charlotte adored Stevie, loved her unconditionally.

But mostly, the reason she couldn't tell them about last night was that she was scared…. ….scared that after all they'd shared, her long friendship with Claire, and her new friendship with Tess as they managed the property while Claire was in hospital, after all their proclamation of how this was her home, and the only person who could change it was Stevie……she was scared they would reject her when they found out everything that had happened…and she would rather leave than have it come to that….

Leaving didn't seem like an option either. Because Stevie Hall, the gypsy who had never stayed in one place for more than three months,….Stevie Hall had found a place to call home, and it would tear out her heart to leave Drovers…..especially to leave under these circumstances.

She slumped against a tall tree and cried. It was something Stevie didn't do often, she didn't think it achieved anything, but she didn't know what else to do. She hung her head in her hands and cried like she hadn't for years.

She wouldn't have done it if she had known that she wasn't alone. She didn't even hear anyone come up behind her until she felt the hand on her shoulder………

To be continued….