.So Much More.
rating: M
pairings: CB
status: in progress
length: two-shot with an epilogue
author: nat.kat
summary: What happens when what started out as a way of escape turns into something...so much more?
note: A two-shot of songfics, about Blair, and what happens when what started out as a way of escape turns into something so much more. Dark fic. Takes place after ATLBCN.
.An Escape that Turned into an...Eating Disorder?.
Help. I have done it again
She cries as her finger pushes its way down her throat, for the third time that day.
I have been here, many times before
Ever since her 'dethronement' she had been binging and purging more regularly. Every meal, every day. It was the one, last thing that she could control, and it was no longer used as an escape, but a form of control.
Hurt myself again, today
How could this happen? She thinks, as she watches the toilet's colourful contents swirl. She had been doing so well. She hadn't done it since...Thanksgiving. The sessions had been going well, though she hadn't been going every week, but every month. She was doing so well, why should she need to waste an hour every week?
And the worst part is, there's no-one else to blame
She blames Chuck as she crawls across the plush white rug. He should have never told Gossip Girl, he should never have taken her virginity in the backseat of his limo, and he definitely shouldn't have left her when she needed him most.
She blames Nate as she curls up against the wall. He should never have let her go, he never should have turned her away because of something he agreed to leave in the past.
She blames Serena, as the tears start falling again. She should never have slept with Nate, she never should have started this destructive chain of events, and she should never have left Blair in the first place.
But, most of all, she blames herself, as her eyelids start to droop. She never should have stuck her finger down her throat in the first place.
--
Serena sighs in exasperation as she drags Chuck out of the limo.
"Tell me again, sis. Why am I here?" He drawls as she tugs him along the pavement.
"Because you are going to apologize to Blair, you broke her now fix her." She looks back, only to catch a glimpse of his seemingly confused face.
"Have you seen her lately, Bass? She doesn't laugh, she doesn't smile, and she stays in her room all day. She doesn't watch Breakfast at Tiffany's anymore." Her voice cracks at the last sentence, and she stays rooted to the spot, outside the elevator.
He remains standing behind her, shocked, because Breakfast at Tiffany's was Blair's one escape. She watched it whenever she was upset, angry, happy, whatever emotion you could name. Blair not watching the movie meant something really was wrong.
He frowns slightly as something he had tried to drown in scotch and nameless, faceless, women, flutters in his stomach.
No, he thinks to himself. She needed his help, and he was helping his friend. Nothing more, nothing less. But just seeing her, would help to mend the hole in his heart.
He takes the lead, noticing that Serena had become a waterfall at the mention of Blair's, erm, condition?
Stepping into the gilded elevator, he only has one thought.
He really needs a drink.
--
Serena gasps as she enters Blair's spacious bathroom.
Curled up, in front of the toilet, was Blair Waldorf herself, looking as tiny, and perfect as a broken china doll.
Be my friend
She collapses onto the doorframe, sobs racking her tall frame, as Chuck Bass moves forward. He makes his way towards Blair, his breathing erratic, his pulse racing. He reaches her enveloping her tiny frame into his arms, cradling her to his chest.
Hold me, wrap me up.
He walks out of the bathroom, and Serena follows him, still sobbing quietly. He feels tears burning his eyelids, and holds them back, biting his lip as he notices how dreadfully pale she looks.
Unfold me
He lays her on top of her silken covers, still staring at her face, pale, and devoid of all color.
I am small
He can hear Serena in the background, gathering her wits about her. He continues to stare at her, noticing how tiny and fragile she looks.
I'm needy
He reflects back to the time she came to him, and he spoke, out of anger, instead of truth. He really was the one who broke her, because he was the one to deliver the final blow that knocked the mighty Blair Waldorf off her pedestal. The haze of scotch in his brain, coupled with the anger that he was her last resort, once again.
Warm me up
He tucks her under the covers, pulling the coverlet up to her chin. He brushes a strand of her chocolate hair out of her eyes, letting his fingers trail longer than necessary. He sighs, and moves into a more comfortable position beside her, stroking her hair.
And breathe me
--
She never imagined he would be here. Sitting by her side, stroking her hair.
Her eyes are closed, though she can feel the feather light touch of his fingers in her hair. The scotch in his breath, and the essence of something so very, Chuck.
She opens her eyes slowly, not wanting her dream to go away, but he's there, watching her pensively, circles under his eyes.
How long has she been asleep?
Ouch, I have lost myself again
The next moment, she's in his arms, Serena patting her back, while he lets her cling to his shirt, and she just cries and cries. She doesn't know how long they stay like that, with him just holding her, and Serena running her fingers through her hair.
She doesn't know how they come to this, and she feels another wave of tears take over as he hugs her closer to him.
"Shh..."
She doesn't think she's ever heard that sentiment fall from his lips before.
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
"It's going to be okay, B, it's going to be okay"
Serena's crying too, she realizes, and with that realization comes a bigger one. She's not the only one who's lost herself on this journey to self-preservation.
"No, S."
Yeah I think I might break
"B?"
"Everyone's gone, leaving me behind in the dust. Daddy's gone, Mother was never here in the first place, and then I lost Nate, I lost everyone."
"You've got me, Waldorf."
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
His confession brings another wave of hysteria, and she hugs herself closer to him, managing to choke out the words that had been building up inside her.
"But-tonight, at the bar..you..I..whore...don't...want, me"
Her sobs break up her sentence into unintelligible mush, but he understands. He always understands.
Serena, however, doesn't get Blair's garbled message, but does get that Chuck must have said something to her tonight.
She glares at him, and his head is bent in shame, resolve in his eyes.
"I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry too."
"I didn't mean it"
"Then why did you say those things, Chuck, why?"
Serena's glare turns fiery as Blair pushes herself away from him and cuddles herself into Serena's arms.
His gaze is cast downward as he speaks, "Because I was your last resort." His anger from the bar comes back, and his vision is blurred as he continues. "Because I was always your last resort! You said it yourself, everyone was gone. I'm Chuck Bass, and I'm not the one you fall on when everyone shuns you. No, Blair, you can have me, but don't use me when your precious so-called friends-"He says this with a glare directed at Serena, "turn their backs on you, or when your perfect gentleman cheats on you again."
Blair looks at him, eyes red, and meets his eyes for the first time that night.
"You were my last resort, Chuck, but only because you were the only one who never judged me. You never let me down. And, I'm-I'm sorry."
As he turns to leave the room, he spits out one final remark.
"Yeah, I was sorry too."
With that he slams her bedroom door, and staggers to lean against the wall. He can hear her inside, weeping to an agitated Serena, who, by what he can hear, is not too happy at the moment. He stays there, outside her bedroom door, feeling torn.
--
Serena wakes up the next morning , looking over at sleeping Blair, and sighs.
She starts towards the bedroom door, and opens it to reveal a tired Chuck Bass sleeping against the wall.
"What are you still doing here?" She spits at him, anger in her eyes as she looks down at him.
He's left speechless, but tries to look behind her, to catch one final glimpse of Blair before he leaves. She blocks his way, and closes the door behind her.
"Leave Chuck, she doesn't need scum like you around her right now."
"I haven't done anything to her that you haven't already done."
Eyes downcast, Serena replies sadly, "But to her, it means so much more coming from you."
And then she takes off to find Dorota, to get a healthy breakfast for Blair, but she knows she won't eat it.
Once out of sight of Chuck, she leans her forehead against the wall, sighing.
"What's it going to take for us to get back to normal?" She wonders aloud.
--
Chuck's left standing outside her door as Serena flees, thinking about what she just said.
"But to her, it means so much more coming from you"
It was true, wasn't it? Everything he said had so much more of an impact on her than what everyone else thought, or said.
He should be honoured, he thinks, but all he can feel is the crushing responsibility in his chest.
Damn it, Waldorf.
--
She was not asleep, like Serena had thought.
In fact, she was quite conscious, and had listened to their conversation outside her door.
She hated the fact that he was still there, even after everything that had happened after last night. She felt so dirty, so used.
She could hear her heart hammering in her chest as she wobbled up to the door, and put her ear against it.
She could hear his breathing.
Maybe this was what it felt like, to be separated by something so small, so easily removed, yet she felt as if there was a void between them. A void of swirling darkness, threatening to do them in.
She leans up against the door, willing her fingers to close around the doorknob. He must be tired, she thinks, and wonders how long he spent outside the door.
What time was it anyways?
9:30, the blinking blue lights of her alarm clock read.
As she stares, mesmerized by the numbers, the glow, she feels something building in her chest.
She looks around the room again, and reaches up to lock her door.
--
As soon as he heard the lock click, he broke.
He knew that her locking the door meant only one thing.
And he walked unsteadily to the door, placing one ear against it, hearing her sobs on the other end.
--
She glanced around the room slowly, her eyes unblinking as she took everything in.
She walked to her vanity, to the small crystal vase, with three violets inside. She takes them out slowly, placing each one in order from longest to shortest.
The shortest one looked a bit dull, she thinks. While the others looked brighter, more vibrant. The taller ones were always better, while the shorter ones stood in their shadow.
Why was she always in a shadow?
She reached for the crystal vase, bringing it up to her eyes. How pretty it looked.
The light fell on the many-faceted vase perfectly, and the crystal was shimmering, glowing.
She closes her fingers around the cool vase, the cold crystal matching the cold she felt. She brought her arm back experimentally.
She released the crystal as she brought her arm forward, releasing it from her grasp, prying each finger off slowly, and letting it shatter against the mirror on top of the vanity.
As it shatters into a million pieces, the mirror breaks, slowly, as if time had stood still for a few seconds. The light caught the crystal, and the glass, creating something pretty.
Pretty lights, she lets herself think.
Some of the shards bury themselves in her arm.
She looks at them unflinchingly, as the glass falls on top of her vanity. And stays there, in a pile of shards, reflecting the light over her head.
Blood runs in streams down her arms, but she still doesn't feel.
She turns slowly, and notes another, taller, ceramic vase by her bedside. This too, was filled with violets.
She notes the color variation this time, instead of just dark purples, there were indigos, and lavenders.
She doesn't bother removing the violets this time, just picks up the heavy vase in her right hand, curling her fingers around the thickest part. She swings her arm this time, letting the vase hit the opposite wall.
This vase, too, shatters, but the light doesn't catch the pieces, and she feels unsatisfied.
The next thing she knows, tears are streaming down her face as she throws everything. Decorative pillows, table lamps, and the framed photo of her and Serena, she throws it all, everywhere, until there's nothing left, and she collapses into a pile of glass, feathers, anything she had thrown.
She thinks she sees a fallen iron rose somewhere, a remnant of a photo frame which held the four of them captive in their happy states.
Those people were gone now, she thinks mildly, as she reaches for the photo.
Without thinking, she rips it into tiny pieces, tears running down her face, collecting in a pool in front of her.
She still doesn't think.
--
He was on alert as soon as he heard the first crash.
Then everything happened so quickly, a frenzied symphony of sounds.
He pulls back from the door, staring at it in horror. He stays like that, unmoving as he hears more crashes, yet nothing from her.
The crashes have not yet reached Serena, who is probably still picking breakfast for Blair.
Damn, sound proofing, he thinks.
As the sounds slow down, and he thinks he hears a sob, and is that paper ripping? His mind is clouded as he slams his shoulder into the door. Her lock isn't that strong, he thinks, as the door swings open.
She's hunched over a pile of tiny, tiny pieces of paper, surrounded by things he knows she broke. He looks at her, really looks. There's blood running down her arms, he thinks in horror, and she turns to him, tears falling slowly down her face.
He finds himself next to her, cradling her, feeling broken himself.
She just lets him hold her, silent sobs racking her body.
Serena comes in, afraid of what she might see after she heard, things. The plate in her hands drop, adding to the pile of shattered remains, of what her best friend's life used to be.
She's crying, holding onto Chuck, who just holds her, unmoving.
Serena starts crying too, as she notices the blood on her best friends arms.
Oh,B.
She joins the two, careful not to embed anymore glass into Blair's skin, and hugs her too.
She notices something in Chuck's eyes. A fierce determination to protect her, to actually fix her, and yet he still looks so damn broken.
Blair cries harder, and Serena pulls back, her arms light on Blair's arm as she pulls out the glass.
Chuck still doesn't move, just holds her tighter, as Serena rids Blair of the glass, quite a feat, considering that the room was blurring around the edges.
And when she's done, she nods to Chuck, and they stand, and support Blair between them, brother and sister working together as they trod across the room, careful not to step on the shards of, well, everything.
In the bathroom, she nuzzles her nose into Chuck's neck, and he holds her tight, as Serena starts up a bath. Warm, with that bubble bath that Blair loved, no bath salts, or fizzers today.
The bathroom is soon steamy, smelling of something sweet, and for the first time, Blair feels at peace.
Chuck picks her up, cradling her to his chest, feeling sick as he notes how light and fragile she feels. He steps into her spacious tub, and sits lowers both of them in, both fully clothed.
Serena sits on the edge of the tub, watching as the water turned red, and then turning her eyes to Blair.
Her eyes were closed, her breathing even. There was a tiny look of contentment on her face, with Chuck's arms still wrapped firmly around her, her face in his chest.
--
They stay like that until the water becomes cold, and Serena idly wonders if she could track down Dorota.
The maid had been on a break today, which was why Serena had to look for Blair's breakfast by herself.
Chuck steps out of the bath and wraps the thick white towel around Blair, and another one around himself. He holds her as she staggers into bed, turning to look at him with red eyes.
He understands, and lays down next to her as she cuddles into his chest.
Serena's left in the bathroom, and she drains the tub, watching the red water swirl down the drain, and then takes something she never thought she would use, a sponge. Puts a generous amount of soap on it, and cleans the bathtub until it shines.
Not bad for a first time, she thinks to herself as she gets the vacuum out. She thanks Dorota for getting a top of the line vacuum, which is so quiet it bothers neither Chuck nor Blair.
Her best friend's never been a heavy sleeper, she thinks as she cleans up the shards of glass and ceramic.
--
When she's done making cleaning Blair's room, she smiles a little to herself as she positions herself on the other side of Blair.
Well maybe they were all a little broken, but she could try to fix them.
--
She hadn't felt this good since, well, waking up in Chuck's arms. His breath is sweet on her face, and she turns to find Serena on the other side, her blonde hair fanned out on her pillow.
She squirms a little bit, she was still wet, despite the thick white towel wrapped around her. Chuck's hair is wet too, she thinks as she looks at his troubled face.
She sits up quietly, not wanting to wake either of them as she glances around the room.
Dorota must have cleaned up, she thinks, before remembering that it was her day off.
Serena she thinks sadly, noticing how tired her best friend looked. Her best friend did too much for her, yet she only repaid her by making things worse.
"I'm sorry" she whispers to her sleeping companions.
She smiles a little as she notices Chuck's arms tightening around her waist, and falls back down between the two.
"Ouch, Waldorf"
"B! That hurt"
"Oops"
Her giggles ignite something entirely different in both Chuck and Serena, and S pulls her into a hug, before relinquishing her to her dear brother.
"I'm sorry Chuck,"
"I'm sorry" Again he thinks to himself.
"So..." Serena looks over at Blair, a little more worried than Blair would have liked.
"I'm okay S, really I am."
"Liked the clean up job? I know it's not Dorota-level perfect, but hey, this is me we're talking about"
"It's perfect."
"Thanks"
"Anytime"
"Blair.." He starts to speak, then stops himself, with a pointed look at Serena.
"I'll be going, but B?"
"Yeah?"
"We're going to talk later."
Blair just turns her head, still not ready to face her problems, until she dealt with this one, of course.
"So, what do you say to starting over?"
"I don't know Chuck, so much has happened and I don't know if I can ever do that again..."
"I'll always be here for you."
"I know."
And they shared a smile, as Chuck leans forward and brushes his lips against hers delicately.
--
Serena smiles from her post outside the door.
Her work here was done.
She just wondered what the future would bring, because she knew that this was just the calm in the middle of the storm.
She just hoped she had enough strength for both her and Blair.