He is everything you want and everything you will never have.
He is hot chocolate on a snow day, unexpected rain in the middle of August, and an extra long recess in elementary school. He smiles at you and your heart freezes in your chest, you smile back and restrain the urge to cup his face and bring his lips to yours.
He is your dearest friend and you tell him everything, everything but this.
You remember the night you slept over at his house and banished yourself to his floor because it wouldn't be right to share a bed. It wouldn't mean the same thing to him. You laughed it off and said, "Sharing a bed is a little too gay, Egbert." He laughed and threw a pillow at you and you threw one back, locking up your feelings. He tackled you to the ground and you threw away the key.
You stay up late into the night and John tells you about the girl he likes and his confession is a knife in your chest that burrows deeper with every word. He asks you if you like anyone and you lie through your teeth. You spend every day together but with each passing second you feel further away.
His blue eyes sparkle and your heart is on fire and he will never know. He can never know.
You think about him every day and every night and you imagine a world where he feels the same and you grow old together. Your dreams offer no respite because he is always in your head. Life becomes unbearable. Being with him tortures you because he doesn't know how you feel and being away from him tortures you because the fantasies you invent will never come true.
You decide to tell him. You take extra time in the morning styling your hair and getting dressed. You eat breakfast for the first time in weeks and you leave the house ten minutes early. You anxiously wait outside his door and prepare your speech. When John exits his house your cheeks are flushed from the cold and he pats them, chuckling that you look frozen. As you walk you muster up the courage to tell him how you feel only to be interrupted.
"Remember that girl I told you I liked?" He nervously glances over at you and you nod. "Um, It's…uh," He bites his lip and you stomach clenches in anticipation of discovering the identity of the girl who has stolen him away from you. "She's, uhhhhhh." He inhales, "She's your sister, Dave." He shoves his hands in his pockets as he walks but you are frozen to the sidewalk, an unmoving statue. He glances beside him and notices you aren't there before turning around.
"Dave?" His face is bright red and he fidgets as he gauges your reaction. You open your mouth to speak but your stomach flips and you throw up on the sidewalk instead. You eyes blur and your head pounds and you tell him you're fine, you just need to go home and rest, don't worry about me.
You lay in bed and spend all day staring at the ceiling and fuming at Rose for seducing the boy you love. She comes up to your room after school and asks how you're feeling. She puts her hand on your forehead to check your temperature and suddenly you are yelling at her and calling her names. Surprise, anger, and pain flash across her face before she hides it all behind a blank stare. She watches you until your throat is on fire from screaming and you calm down. You sink to your knees and begin to weep, angry tears flowing from your eyes. She joins you on the floor and pulls you into a hug. You whisper apologies into her ear and she helps you back into bed. As you drift off to sleep you mutter, "He doesn't deserve me, he deserves you."
That night you dream of someone with the same face as you and the same hair color who gets everything they want because they had the luck to be born a female. You wake up wondering if John would love you if you had violet eyes and long hair or if he'd still love Rose. Anger bubbles up in your chest and you want to blame Rose but you can't. She is the only person who truly understands you; she's the only person who knows that you love him.
You forgive her as you walk down the hall and knock on her door. You understand what he sees in her when she lets you crawl into bed with her, no questions asked. You whisper into her hair, "I didn't want to be alone."
As she pulls you close and kisses your forehead you are reminded of the mother you never had. She runs her fingers through your hair and whispers, "I will always be here."