Doctor Who: River's Revelation
Disclaimer - I don't own nothing or nobody you know/recognize. Doctor Who is intellectual property of the BBC, afaik.
Characters: Doctor, River Song
Just a little fun with the facts we know about River Song so far and her parallels to another Companion. Totally crack, non-canon, and needless to say, SPOILERS!
The Doctor lay in the sun, reading. The past few months had been hectic and he decided he needed a few days' rest, so Barcelona it was. After all, he had had some confusion on Risa after a certain Commander he had met suggested he pick up a certain idol as a souvenir. He should have realized something was amiss when the man's immediate superior officer nearly choked on his Earl Grey.
The Time Lord hadn't even realized he had dozed off until he felt the glare of the sun being blocked from his body. "No thanks, I don't need anything," he muttered to whom he assumed was a waiter.
"Hello, sweetie."
He sat bolt upright and stared at the blonde woman before him. She wore little more than patches of cloth held together with dental floss, a nearly transparent shawl over her shoulders, overly large sunglasses and a wide, floppy brimmed straw hat. She carried her blue diary and a smug look, as always.
He rolled his eyes as he greeted her. "River."
"Enjoying yourself?" she mused, peering over her glasses as she took the empty chair beside him.
"I was," he muttered. "What brings you here?" he asked casually enough to make sure she got the hint he didn't care.
"You."
"Me?"
"You," she repeated. "After all, you don't show a girl a good time like that and then run off, leaving her all alone all the time, do you?"
He hesitated. "Once or twice," he admitted.
"Even after you...heh," she leaned forward and whispered in his ear.
The Time Lord's face blanched. "Sorry, I don't recall that," he finally sputtered.
She shrugged. "Well, that's the trouble with dating time travelers, sometimes you get things out of order and let slip things they have yet to do," she admitted before adding with a smirk, "especially things like that."
"Oh, I can't wait," he replied in a flat tone, still in shock.
"Just don't forget the handcuffs," she reminded him.
"Oh? Ah, the handcuffs?
She smiled again. "Yes, the handcuffs."
"Well, that explains that."
"Explains what?"
"You've still got them, don't you?"
"You told me not to leave them behind, that I'll need them the next time I see you," she teased.
"Oh. Ah, maybe the next time you see me," he corrected her. "After all, don't you have somewhere to be soon?"
"You mean my expedition to the Library?"
He smirked. "Yes, the Library. Be sure to pack a lunch, will you?"
"Spoilers?"
"Spoilers."
"How about I tell you a spoiler and you tell me one?" she asked. "After all, it is your favorite time of year."
"Is it? I hadn't really noticed," he lied, knowing full well this was meant to be his Holiday Vacation. Oh well, at least he had River to spend the Holiday with, now. "So who goes first?"
"Well, after what you told me the other night, I suppose I should go first, now."
"What did I-? No. Wait. I think I already know, and you can save that bit for later. Trust me."
"I do."
"Yes, but since I haven't shared that with you yet, you can save it for when we meet at the Library."
"Mm?" she smiled. "We're going to see each other at the Library?"
"Spoilers!"
"Yes, well then, I suppose I should share something with you, shouldn't I?"
"I'm all ears," he said, slightly disinterested.
"You will be," she teased. He started to say something but she cut him off. "But that's not what I wanted to tell you. The truth is, we've made quite a game of our, let's say, unique relationship, haven't we?"
He nodded. "You could say that."
"The thing of it is, we met long before you realize we first met."
He held up a finger. "I wouldn't say that, after all you have yet to meet me for the first time, or rather, I have yet to meet you."
"Oh?"
He kept his finger up. "Spoilers."
"Alright then, sweetie, try and guess where we met for the first time," she challenged. "You'll never guess."
"Didn't I just say-?"
"Nope! Even then, I had already met you, but you barely noticed me."
He eyed her cautiously. "So you weren't you then?"
"I'll just say I didn't look like what I do now."
"You can say that again," he quipped, admiring her figure.
"I'll give you a hint, we met me in my future, but you didn't tell me I was meeting future me."
"Well why would I? Spoilers and all that."
"But see, I know now what I didn't know then, and realized you already knew me for quite some time as I looked when you first met me and what I looked like later, that is, as in now," she explained.
"Are you sure you're not a Time Lord?" he asked, slightly puzzled by her statement. "You've just told me you've changed your appearance at least twice, and I knew you in all three appearances, but I have no clue-"
He stopped as something occurred to him. He gave her a curious look. "No?"
She smiled. "Yes."
"If that's true, then we met-?"
"1941."
"1941?" he repeated in disbelief. "Are you serious?"
"Actually, I saw Rose first, dangling from a barrage balloon in the middle of the blitz," she admitted.
"No!"
"Yes."
"NO!"
"Yes, sweetie," she laughed. "How many other people do you know who hail from the 51st Century and have literally run to the end of the universe and back with you?"
"But how-?"
"How does captain Jack Harkness become the Face of Boe?" she retorted. "Spoilers."
"But-?"
"Oh please," she scoffed. "A simple matter of genetic realignment, turning Jack into River and, well, I guess I'll find out how I become Boe, one day," she admitted. "Hopefully, not anytime soon, I quite like this body!" she declared, running her hand along it, teasing him.
"But-?"
"Oh come off it! I didn't hear you complaining when we met up last week," she told him. "Then again, we were a bit tied up," she teased.
"H-how-?"
"Handcuffs, remember?"
"What? No!"
"Oh, yes!"
"What?"
"I've explored every inch, nook and cranny of that delicious body several times over," she teased. "That's part of the fun of you regenerating, remember?"
"I think I need a drink," he finally said.
"I'll be in my room," she smiled. "Coming?"
Who was he to fight fate, he mused before running after her.
A/N: hope you had a laugh at least. The ear bit was a nod to MY future Doctor in ALBION (aka Brendan Gleeson!) and this is just speculation. The only other possibility is that River is either Jack's mother (also blonde!), sister, (daughter?), or a fellow Time Agent. She has to know or be connected to Jack in some way as she first appears with the same gun from Villengard he carries in "The Empty Child" and hails from the same time period, among other commonalities. My theory is she *IS* Jack in the future, and becomes Boe after being freed from the Library. How else to explain his comment about giving birth before, much less the casual mention of Boe giving birth in the future? If Jack has access to technology that gives him pheromones, why not technology that can reverse gender in a society where omnisexuality is the norm? After all, he seems to already know about the nanogenes in his first outing. Who's to say a simple gender realignment wouldn't be out of the norm for them?