THE MISSING PIECE
"When you see a dead body that looks just like you, all of a sudden you're aware of how alone you really are... It's funny, because when someone commits suicide, the people he left behind just stand around and ask, "Why didn't I say or do something different?" But the only person I blame is myself..."
"Your face
Will always be etched in my mind
Your eyes
Will be carried throughout time
Your soul
Will always be here by my side
For you are always with me
And I will never
Forget your life
You are my angel
Shining down on me
You are my saviour
Oh, how could this be?
It was a miracle
That you came to me
You are my angel
And I will never
Forget you"
Kira composed that song herself. Rei was shocked when he heard it. He didn't know Kira could sing, much less write music. Apparently neither did Kira. It all started when Rei finally earned enough to buy Kira a nice apartment on the good side of town. The place was beautifully furnished, and a friend of Rei's father gave them an upright piano as a housewarming gift. It was strange to the couple, neither of whom were musically inclined, but they accepted it graciously and put it in their front room. It remained unused, until one day Kira was dusting and noticed it, all alone. She sat down and started tinkering with the keys, and before she knew what was happening, she was playing and singing that song. When Rei came in from work that night, she played it for him. He was so excited at his wife's talent that he suggested they try to get her a recording contract and make her a big star. Kira only laughed and said she was shy of the spotlight and would much rather stay home with Rei and just sing for him only. That satisfied Rei, and he scooped Kira up into his arms and kissed her. The happy couple laughed and laughed.
Kira doesn't know it, but I know who that song is about. It's not about Rei...
It's about me. Sei.
I know that sounds strange, and maybe a little eerie, considering the two of us have never really met. But I've watched Rei and Kira for years now, whether they're aware of my presence or not. I think Rei is. Sometimes I catch him glancing over his shoulder, like he felt a breeze of cool air pass over him and he wanted to see where it was coming from. I doubted Kira was for a long time, until that night she spent in my old bedroom reading my suicide note. I knew she'd find it. Granted, at the time I didn't plant it there for her; it was for Rei. But after I first saw Kira I knew she'd be the one to see it. After she read it, she began to understand me. I could tell. I can't read her thoughts, but I know she understands me very well. Kira and I are a lot alike, you know. That really freaked Rei out at first! I think he was scared to get close to Kira. For a while Kira thought Rei only wanted to replace me with her, since she reminds him so much of me. They both see now that it wasn't the case. I'm happy the two of them are together in love. I don't think I could be happier...
Unless, of course, I could be with them.
I always wonder what it would be like if I could interact with them. I fly over them, heck I even walk right through them, and all they get is that eerie chill. All I can make them feel is fear and hurt. I'm not capable of talking to them, or laughing with them, or touching them, or loving them. I'm nothing but a memory to Rei, and nothing at all to Kira. After all, she's never seen me. She only sees me through Rei.
Every day I hate myself more and more for killing myself. I don't know why I did it. It was selfish. Because of my selfishness, Rei will always be missing a piece of himself. But I wasn't strong enough to handle the blows life dealt me. I should've looked to Rei for help. I should've done something different. It's funny, because when someone commits suicide, the people he left behind just stand around and ask, "Where did I go wrong? If only I'd said or done something..." Forever and ever they will dwell in the land of "If Only." Everyone I left blames themselves. But the only person I blame is myself. I'm the one asking "Where did I go wrong?" Why didn't I do something? Something. Anything. Anything!
I know these thoughts are abstract. They flow in and out of my mind in no particular order. When you're dead, your body is the same way. It flows in and out of time.
I know they think of me often. That is my one consolation. My father is still grief-stricken. He takes most of his meals alone, and often looks to the places where my mother, Rei and I should be sitting. By the way, our mother killed herself too. That's what probably put me over the edge. Well, it was a combination of things. My father wasn't my real father. My mother hated him. My mother was crazy. Rei was crazy. I was crazy. I'm crazy now.
I just want it to stop... Stop this endless stream of thoughts.
STOP!
It's dinner time at the Kashino's apartment. Kira made teriyaki, and Rei whines and jokingly asks for hot dogs instead. Kira responds by playfully swatting him with her chopstick.
They laugh.
And laugh.
And laugh.
I haven't laughed in a really long time. Even while watching Kira and Rei have a good time, I still can't laugh. Even when Rei tells a joke that he thinks is the funniest one of all time, I can't laugh. I am completely bereft of... well, everything. I'm bereft of life.
I'm angry. Something special was stolen from me before I was old enough to appreciate it. But then I remember... I'm the one who stole it. I stole my own life from myself. Does that make any sense?!?!
Rei invited Harumi and Tatsuya over for dinner. Those two aren't married. They've dated on and off for the past couple of years, but are mostly just friends. Friends... If I were alive, would those people be my friends too? Would I still be with Shiori? I could only hope.
Shiori's the other person I watch. I sort of haunt her bedroom. She's in college now, and she's doing well, high grades and all. But she's depressed. She misses Rei and me. Maybe if I hadn't killed myself, she would've ended up dumping Rei and coming back to me. I should've told her how I felt instead of telling her to do whatever she wanted. I forsook my own feelings for her happiness... Then I ended my ultimate pain. She still blames herself too. But it wasn't her fault. Not one bit.
I still love her.
I know she still loves me too. She prays every night before going to sleep. Her roommate thinks she's a religious fanatic, but Shiori keeps praying. She asks God to spare my soul. I scream to her that I'm here, that I'm right next to her! She can't hear me. She keeps praying. Tears cascade down her cheeks like waterfalls. I lift a hand to her face to dry her eyes, but they keep falling. Nothing happens. She feels that same, icy wind and covers up with her blanket.
"Sei?" She sniffles. "Oh, Sei!" Then she goes back to praying.
I never should have left her. I'll never ever forgive myself.
Back to the Kashino apartment. Rei convinces Kira to play her song for Tatsuya and Harumi. She shies away at first, but finally gives in. She settles herself at the piano and plays away into the night. She doesn't know it, but it's my song. I gave it to her. It's how I hope people will always remember me.
"Your face
Will always be etched in my mind
Your eyes
Will be carried throughout time
Your soul
Will always be here by my side
For you are always with me
And I will never
Forget your life"
The song touches Rei as the deeper meaning finally sinks in. Sometimes it takes a while for things to dawn on him, but that's my twin for you. He looks out the window and tries to disguise a tear slowly rolling down his cheek.
"Sei," he whispers. "I know you're here. I'm sorry we can't talk like we used to, but I know you hear me. Just hang in there, bro, and we'll be together again someday."
Rei never thought he could live without his other half. I knew I could never live without him. So maybe it's better this way. Maybe our separation has made him stronger. I can only hope... It's all I have left. As long as Kira stays with Rei and continues to make him happy, then I can rest in peace. For a long time after I died, Rei was lonely. I know that sounds obvious, but when you see a dead body that looks just like you, all of a sudden you're aware of how alone you really are. So for two years Rei felt a deep void in his soul... He missed me. Someone had to take that place. I know that Rei would be the first to tell you that no one could take my place and that he'll always miss me. But every time I see him with Kira, I realize that she's the missing piece (and peace) Rei needed all along. That's why I gave her my song. I hope every time she sings it, Rei will remember this night. He felt me beside him, which is right where I plan to stay until we're reunited again someday.
Someday...